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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

544 replies

ustbxh · 04/06/2019 11:17

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/06/2019 15:46

I'm with Sink. My stressful, high pressure, 'people might end up in dire straights if I don't do it properly' job is a picnic compared to toddler DD at home. She does have some SEN but still.

MorondelaFrontera · 05/06/2019 15:50

then we should be ashamed on how little we pay for childcare providers in this country if little kids are so much hard work. It's not right, is it.

Original poster
ustbxh · 05/06/2019 15:59

Evidently a lot of SAHM here have a very different life to mine and that's sad I guess.

As I've said many times on this thread, we all forget things and that's not the issue here at all. The question was simply about expected roles and responsibilities.

My wife quite rightly would be disgusted if I claimed she didn't work or have a job.

Also I'd like to point out that arranging life admin such as child care for a holiday and parenting are absolutely unrelated. All the people saying parenting is an equal responsibility as totally right. Arranging childcare is not parenting. It's admin.

I parent 100% of thr time when I'm at home. I don't expect my wife to parent at all when I'm around. She does enough of that when I'm not.

I won't be replying anymore on this thread.

OP posts:
SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 05/06/2019 16:03

I think it was her job. I dealt with all school and nursery when I was on maternity leave, why wouldn’t I? Made more sense than dp who was in work.

Franklymydearidontgiveaham · 05/06/2019 16:19

Before you go OP did you manage to get away?

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 05/06/2019 16:48

My point is that your arguments are ridiculous. Having done both, yes, it's much easier and relax to be home with the kids.
Grinmmost people don’t have partners who can just race home faster than an ambulance, some of us have children who are older than six months, personally work would be considerably easier for me than being a SAHM, though my situation is a little niche. Take the blinkers off, not everyone has as easy a life as you.

MorondelaFrontera · 05/06/2019 16:50

Take the blinkers off, not everyone has as easy a life as you

sounds to me like some people have very cushy and relax job if they find it easier than their kids. It's a bit sad if you consider them to be such a hardship though, but probably moan about the cost of childcare.

Some of us do have children older than 6 months, indeed Grin

Original poster
ustbxh · 05/06/2019 16:52

@Franklymydearidontgiveaham

Yes and having a great time (as friends). Plenty of beers on the beach and relaxing.

As a side note I'm actually quite sad at the amount of people who said she didn't want to go away and intentionally forgot the childcare. It's a very petty attitude to a very adult problem. I can only presume that the people who commented as such would behave as such and that's very very sad. Why would you go to those lengths rather than having a mature conversation (as we did) about not going on the holiday because it was too much. On the end we have gone, but it has been a very open and clear discussion throughout.

I feel people have presumed because of this one issue that my wife and I don't communicate and that couldn't be further from the truth. We talk, even now, more than a lot of our "happy" friends.

I want to reiterate that this thread was only ever about understanding roles of a SAHM.

It seems that SAHM don't like to be told its a job but likewise don't like to be told thwey don't work.

It absolutely is a job, it's a full time vey complex and demanding job, and why anyone would try to claim it isn't is beyond me.

My wife not contribe financially to the household but she contributes in many other ways. Although not directly related to being a SAHM she is financially rewarded quite well, she has over 400/month of pure disposal income for her self.

The overall issue though like numerous people have said, is our marriage is broken and this would never be a point if it wasn't broken so trying to critique my marriage based on a simple yes/no AIBU post is a never ending pile of crap.

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 05/06/2019 17:01

I'm guessing you get paid breaks & a lunch break in your job & regular start/finish times?

I know loads of people who don't get paid breaks. What makes you assume this?

Notabedofroses · 05/06/2019 17:03

I sincerely hope you guys have a wonderful time, and are able to find a way back as a couple. It is great news you managed to get away, and I hope it does you both the world of good Wine

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 17:05

she is financially rewarded quite well, she has over 400/month of pure disposal income for her self.

Cringe.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 17:08

Here’s the problem: you sound like you think you employ your wife, like a petty and officious little manager. It’s horrible reading. You’re meant to be a partnership, and the money you earn belongs to both of you equally because you are married with a family.

Safiya7 · 05/06/2019 17:33

Can people just back off with jumping on every word and vicious generalisations about two people that nobody on here knows from Adam. It’s disturbing to read. How the hell can anybody presume to tell anyone that their marriage is over? Based on what - a few posts on a thread? Who do you think you are - “Relate Voundelling” or something? Even if you knew these people personally, you’d have no right to make such assertions,

They are on holiday. If they were ever going to sort things out, this thread isn’t helping is it? None of us know the wife - she might be a total nutter. Who can tell? Same with the OP. But I think whatever the situation, some (a lot) of posters have overstepped the line here. It must be very stressful going through a separation and I’ve no idea why people feel they need to stick the boot in and be spiteful at someone else’s time of crisis.

Newmumma83 · 05/06/2019 17:44

I think she should have, but maybe where you have both been busy the expectations around who does what has got blurred.

And perhaps you both need to appreciate each other a little more and recognise you both work hard, and think about what you both do for each other as perhaps you both feel a little taken for granted

Plus if you kids sleep as well as mine sleep deprivation can make us all cranky... well done for getting a plan b.

Put a line under this particular grievance and recognise that you both are annoyed but job distribution / recognition ... use the time to reconnect ... and of course the kids are safe with the grandparents please don’t let anyone guilt you

Newmumma83 · 05/06/2019 17:46

Sorry i did stop reading a few pages in so a missed a lot I believe hope you had a fab holiday x x

Original poster
ustbxh · 05/06/2019 18:20

@herculepoirot2

Why cringe? She gets 400/month of absolutely disposal income. I don't know many people, even who work full time who gets that? She also has complete free reign over all our income and savings.

I'm sick of people making out SAHM have it hard. It's absolutely not easy, but neither is working 9/5 and having a family if she was a working mother.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 18:38

ustbxh

I am cringing because of your insistence on treating your wife like you employ her. There is no need for it and it’s not casting you in a great light.

Original poster
ustbxh · 05/06/2019 19:22

@herculepoirot2

I don't employ her but you have to appreciate I wouldn't do this job (and earn no where near as much) if she worked so yes, I do pay for her lifestyle.

Curiosity has gotten to me now, how much disposable income do SAHM get? I mean pure disposal, to splurge on whatever you want each month.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/06/2019 19:28

Fairly obviously, it depends on your income and expenses. Money in, money out, savings, spare.

GreenTulips · 05/06/2019 19:29

Gosh! £13 a day!!

Doubt that goes all on her though?

BarrenFieldofFucks · 05/06/2019 19:30

I just run and spend from the joint account. 🤷 We don't really do allowances.

Original poster
ustbxh · 05/06/2019 19:33

@GreenTulips

Absolutely does.

We have accounts and budgets for each child, for food, fuel, and savings for unexpected outgoings. That is 400 for her to piss up against a wall on a night out if she wants. That is not an allowance

OP posts:
Safiya7 · 05/06/2019 19:34

We don’t do allowances or “personal money.” I guess we just have a pattern of spending that’s developed and we trust each other. We don’t keep track.

mbosnz · 05/06/2019 19:39

Um, why are you on here, arguing about SAHM'ing, rather than off enjoying your holiday with your wife? Which of these two things is likely to profit you more?

Safiya7 · 05/06/2019 19:42

So hang on - out if this £400 a month, does she have to buy her clothes as well? What about haircuts or treatments? Or make up, toiletries etc?