AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

[ustbxh]

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

Yes, it I think it should be her role to organise childcare. You criticised her, she took offence and became defensive.

You have much bigger problems than this one incident, however. I can't really understand why you are going on holiday together when you don't even seem to like each other much at present. I think you need to try to take control more and think what you want rather than hanging on and leaving decisions about the relationship and family to her. She doesn't sound particularly nice (from what you have posted which is one side, obviously) and you sound as if you have become more and more fed up and are over reacting to some things which would otherwise be minor.

man hating bitches

I've always found organising the childcare for weekends away (never been away for a week) really stressful. Knowing that I'm going to come home to mess, washing, etc. Planning all the food, activities... Arranging where and when everyone has to be. Giving instructions but knowing that I might be judged by my MIL if she's looking after the children for anything and everything but that I ought to be grateful. I hate having people in my house, especially when I'm not there. Also the expectation that I can suddenly spring back into my pre kids persona and "have a good time". That might sound pathetic to some (more able) SAHM, but I know I"m not the only person who finds this stressful. So being presented with time away as a "treat" with all those factors in mind has always been difficult for me. If my DH wants to go away for a night as a "treat" for me, I have explained that I need his support in getting things organised for these reasons.

Wow there’s a lot of man hating bitches on here today.

well, it's MN but that's a bit harsh!

wow, calling everyone "man hating bitches" makes you sound so reasonable, definitely the sort of person who's advice I'd take

BTW if I'd agreed to organise the childcare, I'd do it. But in the early days of having kids, it really reinforced that my DH didn't "get" the complications of childcare and also made me feel at some level that he wanted the old me, not me the mother. Bt it doesn't sound like these are necessarily the issues for the OP and his DW.

I said a lot I didn’t say everyone 😁

OP I lost the will to read a few pages in, so I can see your frustration. There is always a lot of projection in Aibu, it’s human nature to fill in the blanks and come up with 2+2=5.

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable. Her job is childcare, she organises the nursery slots usually. Yours is outside the home. I can’t see any logical reason for suggesting it could be your job, unless she has specifically said she was really busy and would you mind sorting it.

If you are having a tough time anyway, it’s much easier to say ‘ well you didn’t do it either!’ Than accept the blame graciously. I hope thIs time away allows you to have open honest discussions about your relationship and come to a happy agreement.

I organise childcare when I'm hundreds of miles away for work so she can go to the gym.
Really? It sounds more like you asked your Mum if she could give your wife a bit of time off because you were away from home???. Most people do things like that when they HAVEN’T organised childcare.

People are so brilliant at spinning perfectly normal into “important work” now.

This morning I
Supported two children with schedules (reminder them what classes they had today)
Organised childcare for my at home child (woke elder child up and said I had to go out)
Organised the purchase of a car over 40 miles away (said “yes just buy it” to dh on mobile)
Attended a support group (sat drank tea, told people how to get a dla form)
Organised lunch (phones dh and asked him to buy lunch on the way home)
......fuck me I'm super woman! .

In my read up to page 6 so don’t know if I’ve missed something but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. A Sahm with a 6 year old in school and a 3 year old in nursery 1.5 days with a cleaner should have lots of time for life admin. It’s not bloody hard to ask nursery to extend hours so it’s not like you’ve been asking her to do anything difficult or time consuming.

But, by the sounds of it you’ve got bigger problems with your relationship at the moment though so while I think you’re right, you should probably let it go!

Me and my partner had a conversation where I said being at home all day with a toddler is like a full time job - till he said
‘do you get to sit down with a cuppa and chill for 5 minutes’

‘Do you get to eat when you like?’

‘Do you get peace while he’s asleep?’

‘Can you have a nap with him?’

Yes to all, he made his point and said well I don’t have that option I’m on the go all day.
And it’s true I do have an option to sit and have a cuppa instead of mopping or hovering.
I don’t even have a cleaner, stuff still gets done and I have time to myself.

Give the guy a break.

Op it might be cheaper and easier for you to learn to respect women the first time around. If you are going to have to learn the hard way on your second or third marriage then be my guest.

I suspect your lack respect and entitlement is behind the problems in your marriage, until you can address the issues no amount of holidays etc will make a difference.

Your wife certainly had my sympathy. She has a newborn and a toddler to contend with whilst you are away around the clock, with you berating her for not booking childcare!! There is no way I would consider still going away with you!!

And yet do you have the option to take a phone call, read a letter or go to the toilet uninterrupted? Can you pop out to buy a sandwich? Do people throw up on you and do you get to go and wash/change if they do? Do you get the day off when you’re sick? Can you go to the Dr without an audience? If you were to break your leg would you still be expected to do your work while waiting for an ambulance?

b3 what a charmer you are.

ManHatingBitchesNet™

Funding the stay at home lifestyle?
How about funding the care and welfare of your children? its a cost whether your wife gives up work to do it or pays a childminder.

I agree with @herculepoirot2 that does emit a tone of contempt.

Checking out of this thread now as its going in circles.

On a side note, I think that there is often naturally more empathy for the woman when a man posts. If this was a full time working mum and the SAH dad hadn't booked nursery it might be less harsh on the mums expectations.

And yet do you have the option to take a phone call, read a letter or go to the toilet uninterrupted?
Yes, more at home than at work actually.

Can you pop out to buy a sandwich? why on earth wouldn't you if you have kids?

Do people throw up on you and do you get to go and wash/change if they do? I am not sure you can compare a baby being a bit sick on you and an adult throwing up, clutching at straws here

Do you get the day off when you’re sick?
Most of us have to drag themselves to work when sick, at least when you are home you can plonk the kids in front of the tv.Still easier.

Can you go to the Dr without an audience?
Are you concerned about privacy because a 6 month or toddler can hear?

If you were to break your leg would you still be expected to do your work while waiting for an ambulance? How often does this happen and how many partners/ friends/ neighbours would not help with the kids if it does!

My point is that your arguments are ridiculous. Having done both, yes, it's much easier and relax to be home with the kids.

I have done both too and "relaxing at home with the kids" is not a fitting way to describe my experience of the staying at home part.

My experience is that you do most of the things you do at home when you work anyway, and you have a full day of work on top! You are also rushing endlessly from drop off to pick up and work.

I love holidays so much because It is much easier to be home with the kids than being at work, and my maternity leaves have always been so much easier and less tiring.

I am not looking down at SAHM at all, but it's an easier life than going to work because you have a lot more free time and flexibility.

ustbxh - I think comments from previous posters have highlighted the main issue here.

You're separated, your wife isn't interested in fixing things, she has disengaged from your marriage and as a result, she has no need to "play nice" with you any more. So every little thing you do, she will react to in a less pleasant way.

In decent relationships we all work to "fit together" - we maybe play down some aspects of ourselves that don't work so well in the relationship, and maybe enhance other aspects. We forgive more because we love the other person.

Once the relationship is no longer that important to us (male or female), then we stop bothering with that "fitting together" thing - and we stop forgiving because it no longer matters, we don't love that person in the same way any more and we don't worry about their feelings in the same way.

The point I'm making is that it's not relevant what the rest of us would have done, or would normally do - we're not in the same situation of being separated but still living together. The dynamics in your household are totally different now, and you need to understand that.

Your choice is really to either accept that your wife has already "left the building" as far as your marriage is concerned, or to pretty much lay down and do everything you can to try and convince her that she is the most important thing in your world (and your DC, of course).

So any level of criticism (and yes, while "you could have done it 2 weeks ago" is very low on the critical scale, and standard response in most normal relationships, it's still criticism) will be perceived as just another nail in your coffin.

Do you really want to be clinging onto this relationship with your fingernails, while your wife is ready to let it go?

If you were happily married this would be a non issue. If you are unhappy everything is an issue.

There is no love or respect for your wife in your posts, there is a definite 'tone' in the way you speak about her that undoubtedly puts her back up - and maybe she would have exactly the same tone if it were her posting.
I would go your separate ways and both find someone else you can be happy with.

In answer to your AIBU - it doesn't actually matter - partnerships work together, pick up each others slack and don't make blame games out of trivial oversights.

My point is that your arguments are ridiculous. Having done both, yes, it's much easier and relax to be home with the kids.

They’re not ridiculous at all.

I can’t do any of those things. Maybe it would be different if i didn’t have twins and / or my kids weren’t disabled, but going to work is far more relaxing!

I understand that may not be the case for some but I can’t think of a single day since they were born that could be classed as “relaxing at home”.