AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

[ustbxh]

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

Op,

This isn't about the nursery place though is it, your marriage is totally over from what you say, and the anger and resentment is bubbling just under the surface.

Your wife wants to stay together for the children perhaps?

Have you had an affair op? You are in separate bedrooms for what reason? I am not judging you if you have, but your wife it would seem really does not want to be around you. You work away alot.

I would call it a day if I was either one of you, your marriage has become so toxic and unpleasant, unless you think you can salvage something meaningful surely it is better to remove the gridlock and move on?

I think if you were in a good place this would be a non issue. She’s been defensive cos it feels like you’ve said she’s not doing her job as a mother well (I could be completely wrong here. I’m putting myself in her shoes).

If I was going away I’d probably sort everything as a sahm but that would include jobs for my husband like ‘can you arrange someone to get ds on a Wednesday after football at this time and place’ or ‘can you ask your mum to pick our dd up on this day’. But for me I see it as my job I guess.

I hope you have a great trip!!

Just as a general view, I do think this thing that many couples have of "your job" "my job" is a bit daft and short-sighted. I'm probably a bit older than you but I've had a couple of friends who have had partners who've been incapacitated at short notice - heart attacks, appendix and accidents etc. Some of them had never paid a bill in their lives, opened the post, cleared a blocked drain that kind of thing....and have now had to learn under stress to get these things done. So it's a good idea really for both sides to be able to do as much as possible if needed. V lazy if you just can't be arsed.

Tricky one I work part-time and sort all the childcare generally. But I think that's a bit of control freakery on my part, as I have a better idea than dh of when they can be picked up etc.

Going forward you should definitely agree whose job it is and I would argue that it makes more sense for her to do it.

@ustbxh I think you are getting a very hard time on here because you are a man asking about your wife/ex wife to be's responsibilities.

I have been a SAHM for well over a decade. I have 2 children who are now in secondary school.

DH is as hands on as he can be with the job he has, but of course it would be my responsibility to arrange the childcare especially when it only involves extending the current day the child attends for the morning and I am visiting said nursery to drop off/collect my child anyway.

Living together whilst separated is just plain weird but you are funding what many consider to be a luxury ie SAHM.

@pearses

Its sounds a bit like you are waiting on her to make her decision about your future and you will just do what she decides - just my interpretation and I could be wrong. Do you want to stay together?

Exactly what I'm doing. She's made it clear she isn't interested in "fixing" anything to do with our relationship.

I absolutely want to save our marriage but there are issues in both sides and at the moment she's unwilling to try.

I think you're both unreasonable tbh, it's just not kind to remind her she should have done it 2 weeks ago, she obviously realises that. And I would see it as a 'holiday admin' job so could have been done by either of you although she agreed to do it so it was her job on this occasion.

I totally agree with @Mrsterrypratchet, I have the same issue. I organised a kids birthday party last weekend, my first ever so didn't know what I was doing and was nervous to be in charge of 10 3 year olds!

My STBX partner didn't do any prep or anything to help, but in the morning kept wandering into the kitchen moaning that I'd got too much food, did I sort pass the parcel, etc etc. I knew what I was bloody doing, didn't need someone being so condescending over me.

He's happiest when he's lording over, but not actually doing any real work. Like a really shit manager. God forbid I make a mistake, he'd be so happy to point it out.

So when you describe the argument and how you said 'you should have booked it 2 weeks ago', I can imagine the tone you might have had. None of us were there obviously, but if you were honest with yourself does this type of gleefully pointing out mistakes happen often?

“She's made it clear she isn't interested in "fixing" anything to do with our relationship”

But are you sure about this OP? Why would she leave the kids and agree to be on holiday with you if she thinks it’s all over?

When you ask her why she’s in a separate room - what does she tell you?

Have you had an affair op?

I noticed that op swerved my question.

So I'll ask again, why isn't your wife interested in saving your marriage?

And have you had an affair?

@Notabedofroses

No,but she met someone on a girls holiday last year. Claims nothing happened but dunno.

She’ll be out meeting someone on this holiday too if you don’t get off Mumsnet ...

Do people actually go on holiday for a week without their kids?

@Sonicknuckles

We both do individually, and have done for years, this is our first time together for more than a night or two.

I totally agree with you. I think by choosing to be a stay at home mum you are choosing make parenting your 'job' as it were. She could work and contribute to your finances as you are clearly in a position to pay for childcare, but she chooses not to, in favour of being responsible for the children full time. So I think she should sort stuff like this, yes. If you're going to share parenting responsibilities totally equally, as a pp has said, there's no point having a stay at home parent - you might as well both work, both share childcare, and both contribute to the houses finances. It's not fair for you to be working full time AND responsible for sorting the children when this is what she has decided to stay home to do. I'll probably get flamed for this but I believe this 100%.

You are both parents and are both responsible for organising child care. It’s not your wife’s job!!! I feel sorry for her.

Op I think you should let her go. Holding her in this toxic situation is unhealthy for both of you.

You both deserve to be happy.

YANBU. I think your wife isn't very invested in you or the marriage sorry.

Lots of judgements about SAHM mums here. It's not always a choice. She must have had a newborn and a 3 year old.
Sometimes your type of profession, your salary, the cost of childcare for two under fives, particular needs of one of the children, availability of child care you are happy with, availability of a partner who doesn't work long hours or go on lots of work trips or lack of flexibility about taking time off during school holidays, commuting time and availability of suitable part time work ( in some professions it's not always possible to work part time unless you go freelance, which has its own problems)
All of these things come into play, which is why some mothers of young children find it is more cost effective to be a SAHM mum.
Thus it is not always a "luxury" or a "choice" many have said on this thread.
The tone here is I give her the choice to be a SAHM whereas, maybe in her circumstances it is more effective for her to be a SAHM mum until both children are in full time school, which will be in about 1 or 2 years. Then she would have more options. Many mothers who are able to will take the option of being at home whilst the children are still too young for full time school, but return to work once they are settled. I agree they are lucky to have the option, but it is at least worth considering the decision is based on many individual factors and is not always just the easy option.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

You're e completely right, for some it simply makes more sense. In our situation she never wanted to return to work, even when it made financial sense. The only reason I do the job I do which involves working away is to fund SAHM lifestyle.

It's not easy being the full time carer of small children. If she forgot to do this or just didn't get the chance then I doubt it was deliberate. I'm guessing you get paid breaks & a lunch break in your job & regular start/finish times? She doesn't, her day depends on the whims of children & some days she'll not even get a hot cup of tea. So, perhaps it might be sensible for you to take on similar extra responsibilities in future if they're vitality important & time sensitive.

SAHM lifestyle.

Your posts drip contempt, OP. Sorry, but they do. If you really want to save your marriage, you have to consider your underlying attitude to your wife. At the moment I wouldn’t want to sort things with you either.

I totally agree with whatareyoutalkingabout but on the other hand ustbxh saying The only reason I do the job I do which involves working away is to fund SAHM lifestyle.

Oooofff - surely what you mean is to fund your families lifestyle.

I have sympathy for you and have read the entire thread but reading into your responses, i think your wife is enjoying a nice lifestyle that you feel you are simply working too hard to pay for and you resent it.

Your wife throwing arranging childcare back at you understandably annoys you but you have over reacted.

I think the issue is your wife being a SAHM and your resentment of it.
Either she goes back to work, you accept it or you separate.

I think we can all agree that, unreasonable or not on this issu, you're really setting the scene for a successful "make / break" / reconciliation from separation type holiday.