Have a 4th at 47 or not?

[baby4ornot]

I will be turning 46 this year and have been on the fence about conceiving a 4th child.
Back story, we had a difficult time getting pregnant due to my endometriosis. We finally had our first child via IVF at the age of 40. Then we had twins (boy&girl) at age of 42. I was wiped out after the twins and had a severe umbilical hernia which I was told by my dr that I needed to get fixed before I ended up in an emergency room. I opted to get full muscle repair with no mesh. I was 44. At the time I couldn't think of having a fourth. Now my oldest is about to start K, and the twins will start next year.
We have 1 embryo left in storage. I have this immense guilt about leaving it in storage and that I should attempt to go through and try having this baby. The embryo has already been tested (after initial MC with first 3 IVF, we had all the embryos go through PGD testing), so it should be free of chromosome defects which would lead to a MC (miscarriage) or birth defects. It would just be a matter of it surviving the thaw and implanting.

I go back and forth on if I can physically handle a 4th at 47 (assuming I start the process this year and give birth next year)? When I was pregnant with the twins at 41-42, my BP was a concern, now I will also have to factor a pregnancy with a sewn stomach. Also we would be going back to square 1 baby stage and infant daycare costs. My husband doesn’t want to give the embryo up for adoption but I don’t want to destroy it either. Hence my dilemma. Anyone w similar situation or thoughts?

At 47? No way.

OP I understand the issue with having spares in storage - I had a round of (slightly accidental) ivf - I have PCOS and they were just trying to get me to ovulate to ttc naturally but I ended up growing lots of eggs so we converted it to ivf. I ended up with 11 chromosomally normal blastocysts. The first of those became DS, then I fell pregnant naturally with DD so I have 10 in the freezer. Obv I’m not going to have 10 babies but you do think about the potential there. We have decided that we will keep our embryos in case one of my two sisters needs them (one sister wants kids but hasn’t started ttcing yet, the other doesn’t have a partner) but wouldn’t donate “outside the family”. Mostly for the children’s sake, but also because I’d want any genetic child of mine to have a similar financial and emotional standard of living to our existing kids and there’s no guarantee of that with donation. So we will donate to medical research. Hopefully it can contribute towards something positive for others who come after us.

One thing to think about is that just because the embryo is pgs tested there’s no guarantee it will stick - there are plenty of women who have had pgs fets fail. How would you feel then? Relieved or gutted? If the former, that might be your answer.

I have to say that in your position with the health challenges i would be thinking twice about another pregnancy. Do you have the cash to buy in help if eg you were put in bed rest early in pregnancy, or had a v difficult birth? Or required ongoing medical help?

Either way some counselling might be a good idea. Best of luck.

Oh, and ignore all the PPs boring on about looking like a grandmother at the school gate. Nasty, small minded and irrelevant.

No way

I am 50. No way could I cope with a toddler now. I feel a lot older now than I did at 47.

How likely is the procedure to be successful?

It could well be a hypothetical question

As the mum of four kids ( last conceived at 37 years) I can't begin to imagine how exhausting this would be although I appreciate that everyone's energy levels are different ! You would be nearly 70 when that child goes to University ??

Only you know the answer to this OP, only you know how fit you are. Take no notice of anyone on here telling you not too. They do not live with you or live with the guilt of leaving one behind. You only live once, my mum is 67 and is very fit and active still working in the Emergency Services. Not all 67 year olds are crippled with old age!

crazyasafox maybe I am deluded, but people tell me all the time that I don't look my age. Perhaps they are being polite, and I just want to believe them

I am past caring at this point, but I do try and stay healthy.

Facially I don’t look my age. I could easily get away with mid 40s. (I’m mid 50s).

The give away is the sagging chin, wrinkled neck & liver spots on my hands

It depends, is your partner the same age? If so I’d say no as the child is likely to be an orphan from a pretty young age.

No way, I'm knackered with 2 teenagers and I'm 33 My mum is 54 and had my little sister at 42, she was diagnosed with cancer at 44. Thankfully she beat it, but it has left her with some complications and I know she beats herself up that she can't do as much with my sister as what she did with us older 3.

What a lot of ageist rubbish is being spouted on here by some people, OP. And also rubbish from people who have not been through IVF and don't understand the preciousness and potential of a frozen embryo to many of us who have been through it.

I have been in a similar position to you - first IVF baby born when I was three months short of 43 after 10 years ttc and on our third IVF cycle, severe pre-eclampsia and baby delivered by c-section early but thankfully fine, We had three frozen embryos left and I agonised for three years about what to do with them because of the experience of the first pregnancy and the fear that the same thing might happen again.

I knew there were risks to me, the baby if the transfer worked, and also for DD and DH, but I also knew that I could not leave the frozen embryos to perish or donate them for research. I'm pretty sure my age ruled out embryo donation too.

I went ahead with the transfer the day before my 46th birthday and DS was born healthy and at term when I was three months short of 47, with no pregnancy complications. Part of me had hoped when I had the transfer that it would be unsuccessful but I also felt that I had to make the decision that was right for me and then deal with whatever happened.

I consider myself very lucky that things worked out OK, and all I can advise is that you get good advice from your doctor on the risks and then make your own decision. That's what I did.

In terms of having another baby at (almost) 47, well, my children are 12 and 8 now and no-one has ever ridiculed me or them about my age. Only twice in twelve years have I been mistaken for their grandmother and you know what? I don't care! My children are happy and well cared for, and I do loads of stuff with them. I have no idea if I look my age but I can tell you that, because of my children, I am younger in my levels of activity than people I know who are younger than me.

Obviously I'm aware that I am an older parent and I wish I had been able to have them earlier but that is not the way it worked out. You have to take the cards life deals you and make the best decisions for you and your family that you can. For me, the frozen embryos were part of my family and I could not have dealt with the guilt of not giving them a chance. I accept that other people might feel differently but my feelings about my embryos were also valid. And when I look at my beautiful DS, I am so glad that I chose to give his embryo a chance.

Apart from getting advice from your doctor, I also think you also need to work through the various scenarios about what would happen if things went wrong for either you or the baby in some way, and see if you are willing to take the risks, especially given that you have three children already. You need to talk it through with your DH too but ultimately I think the choice has to be yours.

The suggestions about getting counselling and re-considering donation might help but, in the end, it will be down to how you feel about things.

I get where you are coming from entirely, and I hope you can reach a decision that you are comfortable with.

@bibliomania said Would it help to have a private farewell ritual to the fourth embryo? I suppose for environmental reasons we shouldn't release balloons, but something that involves a symbolic letting go - release a candle in a paper boat or something. Let go of the possibility.

I don't know what you believe about souls, but if you think of this embryo as a soul-in-waiting, it doesn't mean they never get their chance. Release it so it can seek another life.*

I don't understand why another poster put a humphy face in response, because it's not bad advice; it does sound like you need to give yourself permission to relinquish the idea of using the embryo.

You have health problems, and you want to be the best mother you can be to your actually existing children. You are not in any way morally obliged to make yourself an incubator- as other posters have said, where would that end if you'd had more embryos in cold storage? Yes, those cells have the potential to grow into a new life, but just now they are not. The cells are not sentient, and your first responsibility must be to the real living children you have already, and to yourself as a person who exists in the world of social relationships with all the human connections that involves.

Let yourself live in the best way for you and your family.

47 is getting too old to have a baby imo, lots of women are starting the menopause which should tell you something.

And stop throwing around the ageist BS. Sometimes age is relevant. Like you wouldn't expect to see a 20 yo sucking a dummy

You've 3 DC, try thinking of them

Entirely up to you OP, your body etc. However I was a Gran by time I was 47, and whilst I adore looking after my grandchildren, it was utterly exhausting. No way could I go back to that full time. Just no.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to be 52 when my child was starting reception. You will almost certainly be mistaken for the child’s grandmother. So what? many people may say, but the child might not like it.
I had my last at 37 & I was one of the oldest mums when my dc started school.

I know someone who had a baby at 47 however they did not have health problems and it was a donor egg baby. She is struggling a bit now they are a toddler. She does not have other children in the mix though to look after, she manages with some nursery support and a maid / cleaner.

My mum had 4 kids by 30 whereas I have 2. I do not think yabu at all to consider having a 4th especially with the concerns over what to do with your embryo. I would definitely speak to a gp, ask for a referral to see a consultant and talk through your options. Will the level of scarring impact a birth? What would your birth options be like and how would you be monitored through a potential pregnancy? These are the questions I would like answering/ to be discussed before making any decisions. Also what is your health like currently, your partner's, what is your lifestyle like and have you thought about the financial impact?

I cannot imagine having a child even in my late 30s as I am just so exhausted now with two little ones close in age . I do however appreciate that life doesn't work the same for all of us and plenty of women have children later due to different circumstances. I think it is a shame when posters berate a parent with a child for wanting any more, each child is unique and brings a joy of their own to your family. Hope you come to a decision that works best for all of your family x

Thanks this was very helpful. Fortunately I have thick skin and found some of the comments entertaining. I am also blessed w not looking my age and still get carded, so not at all concerned about looking like a grandma. . My husband is 4 years younger than me. We are active people.
Both my husband and I have struggled on the topic. We wish we the funds to get a surrogate which would be ideal but we dont. Hence we either take the risk (which does concern me as I will be the one carrying) or continue to pay for storage and keep wondering “What if”. I do know the center will only store up yo when I am 51,
My BP has been good, but it has always been monitored closely during pregnancy and when I was pregnant with the twins it started to go up in the last trimester. I never had preeclampsia or gestational diabetes but there is no guarantee if I decide to procede that my luck may change. We are still deeply things through. He really wants the 4th as he keeps mentioning to people we could have a 4th. I would like one too but I’m worried about the risks to me. I have mentioned the possibility of adopting but there are also a lot of things to think about with that too. What age is good to introduce to our kids? Should the child be the same age, younger or older, what trauma if any would said child have been through and would we be fit to deal w it, etc.
I have the flexibility to work from home should I be put on bed rest. My boss and company is very progressive, so fortunate for that.
We shall see....thanks all for your thoughts, even the poopoers 😆

We wish we the funds to get a surrogate which would be ideal but we dont. Hence we either take the risk
The fact you would even consider surrogacy is crazy. I doubt a surrogate would do it for a 4th DC, unless you are Kim and kanye. 💷
I think you will go ahead, It is an awful risk.
I have mentioned the possibility of adopting but there are also a lot of things to think about with that too. What age is good to introduce to our kids?
The adoption process takes years, I don't think you could start the process at 47.
I think you are completely overwhelmed with the idea, you need to step back and see the big picture, 4 teenagers in your 60's.

It sounds like you've made up your mind. I really wish you the best of luck.

My DH’s parents were older when he was born. DH was never taught to ride a bike, or swim, because they frankly were exhausted. DH never went on playdates because by the time he was 5, his parents were in their 50s and all his friend’s parents were 30 and they found it awkward. All in all he had quite a lonely and unfulfilled childhood due to his parents’ age. We had our own DS when we were 34, and they were already in their 80s. They have zero relationship with him as they
Simply don’t have the energy to play and interact with a toddler, and as my own DF is dead, it means DS effectively only has one grandparent.

I would never recommend having a child so late. The PP who did this says that it’s worked out well. It’s worked out well SO FAR. But this isn’t just about if you could look after a baby/toddler now. It’s about the quality of parenting you could offer this child throughout their entire childhood, and you will be nearly 70 by the time this child goes to university.

47 is very, very old to have a baby.
Aren't you worried that the child might be born with a disability?
And you'll be drawing your pension when the kid is 21.
Surely the three you have already is enough, in this instance.

Do you really need a fourth child? FOURTH! You have three healthy children. You’ve struggled to conceive so you cannot possibly fail to understand how lucky and privileged you are to have them. And yet you are considering jeopardising your health and therefore their future by having another child?, And little ones are hard work but when you are almost 60yrs you’ll have a gaggle of teenagers and let me tell you they can be EXHAUSTING. The emotional toll, the constant ferrying around and the cost.

I honestly think that having a fourth child in your situation would be a mistake.

I hated having an older DM

And she had me 10 years younger than you.