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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have a 4th at 47 or not?

335 replies

baby4ornot · 03/06/2019 16:19

I will be turning 46 this year and have been on the fence about conceiving a 4th child.
Back story, we had a difficult time getting pregnant due to my endometriosis. We finally had our first child via IVF at the age of 40. Then we had twins (boy&girl) at age of 42. I was wiped out after the twins and had a severe umbilical hernia which I was told by my dr that I needed to get fixed before I ended up in an emergency room. I opted to get full muscle repair with no mesh. I was 44. At the time I couldn't think of having a fourth. Now my oldest is about to start K, and the twins will start next year.
We have 1 embryo left in storage. I have this immense guilt about leaving it in storage and that I should attempt to go through and try having this baby. The embryo has already been tested (after initial MC with first 3 IVF, we had all the embryos go through PGD testing), so it should be free of chromosome defects which would lead to a MC (miscarriage) or birth defects. It would just be a matter of it surviving the thaw and implanting.

I go back and forth on if I can physically handle a 4th at 47 (assuming I start the process this year and give birth next year)? When I was pregnant with the twins at 41-42, my BP was a concern, now I will also have to factor a pregnancy with a sewn stomach. Also we would be going back to square 1 baby stage and infant daycare costs. My husband doesn’t want to give the embryo up for adoption but I don’t want to destroy it either. Hence my dilemma. Anyone w similar situation or thoughts?

OP posts:

AlaskanOilBaron · 05/06/2019 14:56

When my son died at age 16 I was 46. In that first absolutely horrendous year afterwards I thought of nothing else but another baby.

I've read about this before, I think it's a fairly common phenomena. I'm sorry for your loss.

JessieTalamasca · 05/06/2019 15:10

Very, very, very bad idea given your health and irresponsible to the children you have who are already here.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 05/06/2019 15:13

@alaskan yes you are right white a few women do have babies aged 40/41/42. I have said I wouldn’t consider another and I’m not 47
My issue was some of the unnecessary comments aimed at **all women in their forties.

DuMondeB · 05/06/2019 17:10

When my son died at age 16 I was 46. In that first absolutely horrendous year afterwards I thought of nothing else but another baby

We almost lost my youngest DD (then 6) last year. I definitely had ore than a few thoughts of babies when she was in PICU - I’m 42, my DH is 50.

Fortunately, my little is now in remission and making a good recovery, and i’ve had some mental health support too. A new baby would’ve been incredibly impractical and unfair on my 18 yr old and 12 yr old, but it was a very strong emotional urge at the time and I can see that feeling being even more intense when dealing with an actual bereavement.

I am so sorry for your loss ❤️

Encorecockerel · 05/06/2019 17:27

I think you’ve probably got enough children.

teyem · 05/06/2019 17:35

Enough children to achieve what, Encore?

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 05/06/2019 17:51

Enough children to maintain financial stability? Health? Time for everyone? Opportunity? Etc etc.....

teyem · 05/06/2019 18:03

None of those things are aided by having any number of children. You could argu that further children may have a detrimental effect in the way you describe but that has nothing to do with the concept of 'enough' children, which is vague and I'd like to know what encore means.

PotatoesPastaAndBread · 05/06/2019 18:14

Op the phrase that stands out to me is "i can't seem to let go of the 'what if' "

I think this is so common, whether it's grief or bereavement or career or whatever, that's hard to deal with.

It doesn't mean you have to have another child. But dealing with the 'what if' is important.

I'm in a similar situation, this is your thread so I won't go into it, but it's a bitch.

Good luck x

crazyasafox · 05/06/2019 18:32

@TapasForTwo

As an older parent myself (admittedly I had DD at 41 not 47) I am fit and healthy, and don't look old enough to enjoy the benefits of my senior railcard.

You may be fit and healthy, but I'm afraid you do look your age. Everyone looks roughly their age.

DD will be off to university this year, and while I am not as young as the parents of her peers, I don't think I look old enough to be her grandmother.

You will almost certainly look old enough to be mistaken for your DD's grandmother if she is just starting University, (so still a teenager,) and you're over 60. (You said you have a senior railcard - so you must be over 60 years old.) And you saying you had her at 41, and that she is just about to start University, also suggests you are around 60.

Proves my point from earlier in the thread though, (11.48 Tuesday 4th June,) where I said that some people assume that they look much younger than they are. As I said though, everyone looks roughly their age when you look properly. Even you ............

You may be fit and healthy (and FEEL younger than you are,) but I guarantee you look roughly your age. Everyone does. (Maybe not in their flattering, photoshopped pics online, but in real life they do!)

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/06/2019 18:54

You may be fit and healthy, but I'm afraid you do look your age. Everyone looks roughly their age

So what.

I didn’t realise parenthood was a beauty pageant.

I have the brain of a teenager and the face of a 70 year old. It doesn’t mean I can’t be a mother

And FWIW dcs friends think I am a great mum

sobercuriouskind · 05/06/2019 19:01

Everyone looks roughly their age
Sorry @crazyasafox I have to completely disagree with this comment. I know a couple in their early 60's who don't drink booze, eat very healthily and presumably rub some kind of magic lotion into their skin on a night (!) and honestly look mid 40's tops.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 05/06/2019 19:24

@crazyfox no you are not correct
Bit everyone looks their age. Perhaps you do, but no not all of us do. Many many women look something different to their actually age younger or older.

You come across as having a bit more than an issue with this post and I wonder why

Justgorgeous · 05/06/2019 19:26

Had my 3rd at 44. Would not have contemplated it after that.

Saharasunset · 05/06/2019 19:30

I wouldn't personally at 47, however, also understand the 'guilt' you feel at having one unused embryo in storage. I don't know much about the IVF process but is there anyway the frozen embryo can be taken from storage and donated to a couple in need? It could potentially be a life for a couple in desperate want of a family, and you know yourself how much you wanted one and the process was not straight forward

teyem · 05/06/2019 19:30

There's a lot of posters whose cut off point is fractionally after their last child. It's very convenient.

Justgorgeous · 05/06/2019 19:35

Yes, convenient for my family.

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/06/2019 19:35

I think there are a lot of mothers who could not cope with having children later in life and think that just because they aren’t capable no one else is.

If you feel fit and healthy, have looked into the complications and want to try I don’t think it is anybody else’s business.

crazyasafox · 05/06/2019 20:26

Why are people so desperate to look much younger, and for people to assume they look much younger? Why is it such a bad thing to look your age? Why is it a cardinal sin (in the eyes of SOME) for someone to state most people look their age?

Weird.

Only on mumsnet do people look 20 years younger than their age.

@sobercuriouskind

Sorry - I have to completely disagree with this comment. I know a couple in their early 60's who don't drink booze, eat very healthily and presumably rub some kind of magic lotion into their skin on a night (!) and honestly look mid 40's tops.

LOL, no they don't. Get your eyes tested!

@Ginlinessisnexttogodliness

no you are not correct, not everyone looks their age.

Yes I am. And yes they do.

Perhaps you look your age, but not all of us do..

And yeah of course I look roughly my age, why WOULDN'T I?? And yes , 'all of us do look our age...' within 3 or 4 years.. Everyone does. Why wouldn't they?

As I say, why the desperation (with some) to want to look much younger, and want to appear younger to other people? Why are you ashamed of ageing?

You come across as having a bit more than an issue with this post and I wonder why.

Some people have some issues.. but it ain't me... It's these people (usually women) who are desperate to be thought of as younger... As I said, why? What is so bad about ageing? Why are some people so embarrassed and ashamed by it?? How sad. Some people do not have that privilege. How sad to be so ashamed of ageing.

Some people are coming across as very angry and defensive at me pointing out that most people look their age. Wonder why that is?

Aridane · 05/06/2019 20:39

You may be fit and healthy, but I'm afraid you do look your age. Everyone looks roughly their age

Generally but not invariably. I look my age (or older) but I know a few outliers who really don't look their age

crazyasafox · 05/06/2019 20:50

@Aridane

A few people you know may not look their age at first glance. But when you look closely/properly, most people do look their age. (roughly.......)

What is wrong with looking your age? Why the desperation (from some) to look much younger??? Like it's some kind of special achievement if you DO look a bit younger than your age???

Aridane · 05/06/2019 20:51

Most, but not all

Isitmybathtimeyet · 05/06/2019 21:10

Crazy you come across as having an issue with this because you and you alone keep talking about how old a 47 year old mother will look. No other poster cares. It’s not really the issue. You know one woman who is fed up with being called a grandmother. Like others, I live in an area where quite a lot of primary school mums are in their 40s so no one blinks at it, and really, anyway, does it remotely matter in the context of this discussion?

And my mother was in her 40s when she had kids, and no one ever asked me if she was my grandmother, ever. Others may have thought it to themselves but it was never an issue at all for me or her.

OP I think regardless of your age, it feels like a PP hit the nail on the head by saying you wouldn’t be looking to have another child now if that embryo didn’t exist. I can imagine how hard it is to let that potential go and I think it would make me feel very upset indeed. I think the idea of going to talk to a counsellor, ideally one who specialises in fertility issues (could your clinic suggest anyone?) would be a great idea. to you.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 05/06/2019 21:32

@crazy your quite frankly crazy and yes still incorrect reply confirms my suspicions

There are many people that look older or younger than they actually are

Get a grip
And why does it matter so much to you if someone else wants another baby? People do what they want to do no matter whether they look their age or not and that applies to a great many issues in life not just the conception and delivery of a baby

AlaskanOilBaron · 05/06/2019 21:44

Probably best to set aside the 'does 47 really look 47' nonsense.

There's a lot of posters whose cut off point is fractionally after their last child. It's very convenient.

I had my youngest at 33. I am au fait with women becoming mothers in their 40s, it's normal to me. 47 is bonkers.

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