Have a 4th at 47 or not?

[baby4ornot]

I will be turning 46 this year and have been on the fence about conceiving a 4th child.
Back story, we had a difficult time getting pregnant due to my endometriosis. We finally had our first child via IVF at the age of 40. Then we had twins (boy&girl) at age of 42. I was wiped out after the twins and had a severe umbilical hernia which I was told by my dr that I needed to get fixed before I ended up in an emergency room. I opted to get full muscle repair with no mesh. I was 44. At the time I couldn't think of having a fourth. Now my oldest is about to start K, and the twins will start next year.
We have 1 embryo left in storage. I have this immense guilt about leaving it in storage and that I should attempt to go through and try having this baby. The embryo has already been tested (after initial MC with first 3 IVF, we had all the embryos go through PGD testing), so it should be free of chromosome defects which would lead to a MC (miscarriage) or birth defects. It would just be a matter of it surviving the thaw and implanting.

I go back and forth on if I can physically handle a 4th at 47 (assuming I start the process this year and give birth next year)? When I was pregnant with the twins at 41-42, my BP was a concern, now I will also have to factor a pregnancy with a sewn stomach. Also we would be going back to square 1 baby stage and infant daycare costs. My husband doesn’t want to give the embryo up for adoption but I don’t want to destroy it either. Hence my dilemma. Anyone w similar situation or thoughts?

@Aprillygirl you sound like a lovely empathetic person! Useful comment!

So many bitchy posts.

OP I personally wouldn’t have a 4th at 47, as kinder posters have said, I would think about your health first and the affect it would have on your family. But I know it’s not as easy as that and think maybe some counselling would help you. 47 is not old, I’m 46 and fitter and healthier than when I was in my twenties.

Sorry Krazykitty but It is a fact that at 47 the menopause imminent. I don't see what is so wrong in pointing this out.

@KrazyKitty

47 is not old.

It is too old to have a baby. And there is nothing 'bitchy' about stating facts.

You can't just start mud-slinging and accusing posters of being bitchy, just because they have differing opinions to you.

@crazyasafox ok perhaps I was wrong on ‘so many bitchy posts’ but when one poster put “Lol 😂 47 😂😂😂” it just seemed a bit mean, like they’re just laughing at her. Just stumbled across the wrong one I guess.

I’m not “mud-slinging” at all, just some posts seemed insensitive, of course I don’t expect all opinions to be the same.

Anyway I’ll consider myself told off

@Krazykitty

Fair enough, you're right, there was no need for that poster to laugh and mock.

Didn't mean to 'tell you off,' sorry.

Fucking hell there are millions of women have a baby in their early forties and lots in their mid forties

But in your shoes OP with your history then at 47 no I would not

It’s very unusual, but if you are in great physical shape and can afford it it time and money and love then I’m going to go against the flow and say why not? Any child is a blessing. Apparently 20 women over fifty have babies in the UK every year.

@Ginlinessisnexttogodliness

Fucking hell there are millions of women have a baby in their early forties and lots in their mid forties.

A few posters keep saying this, but I bet MOST posters on here, can count on the fingers of one hand, the amount of women they know who have had baby in their mid 40s. It may be a tiny more common now than 30-40 years back, but it is still quite rare.

Only in the parallel universe of mumsnet do people know LOADS of women who have got pregnant and given birth in their mid 40s. In real life, most people know very few women who gave birth in their mid 40s. And certainly not in their late 40s... that is massively uncommon, and a bad idea for many different reasons.

Very few women will conceive naturally in their late 40s. Thankfully. There are so many reasons to not have a baby when you're knocking the door of 50. And they have nearly all been listed on this thread.

@Ginlinessisnexttogodliness

Fucking hell there are millions of women have a baby in their early forties and lots in their mid forties.

A few posters keep saying this, but I bet MOST posters on here, can count on the fingers of one hand, the amount of women they know who have had a baby in their mid 40s. It may be a tiny more common now than 30-40 years back, but it is still quite rare.

Only in the parallel universe of mumsnet do people know LOADS of women who have got pregnant and given birth in their mid 40s. In real life, most people know very few women who gave birth in their mid 40s. And certainly not in their late 40s... that is massively uncommon, and a bad idea for many different reasons.

Very few women will conceive naturally in their late 40s. Thankfully. There are so many reasons to not have a baby when you're knocking the door of 50. And they have nearly all been listed on this thread.

I've just had DC4. I have had "textbook" pregnancies, normal vaginal births and no stitches and I still feel like this last pregnancy took its toll in a way others did not. It was hard work being pregnant with three small kids around. I found the anxiety about something happening to me in labour very hard - I worried how my kids would be cared for if I was ill or disabled or died.

Four children is a lot at the best of times and I think becoming a mother at 47 by choice is not ideal.

I do understand the having to make a choice with the.embryo, though. Friends going through similar have either ignored the letter at renewal of the storage (do nothing approach somehow more palatable than making a choice to destroy) or donated the embryo to science.

I think we need to be honest when quoting figures.

0.3% of live births in England and Wales were to women over 45 in 2017.

That’s not millions. It just about two thousand. It’s not common, it’s less than 1%. It’s unusual.

I’m not saying OP shouldn’t do it purely because of age (and yes there are lots of wonder older parents), but i think it’s naive to pretend it’s not an issue.

I work at an antenatal unit in a busy city and I can tell you that there aren't a lot of women in their mid to late forties having children and the few that do often have ivf with egg donation. Early forties yes there are quite a few. But not mid to late forties.

@bibliomania

I have 3 children and am now 46. I would rather crawl over cut glass with pins in my eyes than to go through those early sleep deprived days with a baby again.

You'll be knackered

Please think of your poor body. You will be eternally tired, and possibly recovering from hellish complications.

I realise there is an ethical dilemma and I do not envy your position in that respect. Perhaps donating the embryo may be a compromise to your dh May reconsider? (Does he really want a 4th child Or are you the driving force?)

@Dippypippy1980

I think we need to be honest when quoting figures.

0.3% of live births in England and Wales were to women over 45 in 2017.

That’s not millions. It just about two thousand. It’s not common, it’s less than 1%. It’s unusual.

Thanks for that.

As I said, I - and everyone else I know - can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of women we know who have given birth in their mid 40s.. (not that many in their early 40s either actually!)

It is quite rare, despite some posters on Mumsnet claiming they know LOADS of women who have had a baby in their mid 40s. Hilariously, some posters claim they know some women who have had 2 or 3 babies in their 40s!!! Some as old as 48-50.

The babies were fine, everything went smoothly (pregnancy AND birth,) and the woman (now in the early 50s) has 2 or 3 kids under 10, including an energetic infant child, but it doesn't matter, because she has the energy of an 18 year old and can cope better than most mums half her age! (And she always has a husband who is on £200K and is more than happy to keep her in a luxurious lifestyle!)

@cushioncovers

I work at an antenatal unit in a busy city and I can tell you that there aren't a lot of women in their mid to late forties having children and the few that do often have ivf with egg donation. Early forties yes there are quite a few. But not mid to late forties.

Thanks for this too.. ^ Again, confirmation that it IS quite rare to have a baby in your mid to late 40s...

@crazy myself and six of my friends have all conceived naturally over the age of 40
It does happen

Stop being so uptight about it

I would t have another baby at 47 I had my last at 42 and I’m done. All three of mine were conceived naturally and two were while I was on contraception.

Not all women in their late thirties and forties struggle to conceive or require ivf. They just don’t.

Fuck me that's my absolute worst nightmare. You'll be working forever to pay all the school /uni/ extras fees.

@wally the way this country is going you will be working until you’re almost dead anyway

Nobody is saying it doesn’t happen. About 4% of live births are to women between 40 and 45. So while it’s significant more common that the highly unusual 45 plus birth, it’s still a relatively small amount each year.

Let’s not pretend that figure is higher than it is because of anecdotal evidence. Let’s at least try to ground the conversation in reality.

I have no strong opinion on your age or the environmental impact but in terms of your medical history, I think that the risks are far too high. Sorry OP.

If your DH doesn’t want another couple to use the embryo (it seems sad that he doesn’t tbh, because what an opportunity it would be to do a good turn for someone) perhaps it could be donated to medical research. Not sure if that is possible.

I had my sixth when I was nearly 45.
I had ivf for my first (ironically!) and went back for my frozen embryos soon after I had my DD1 but they didn't "take".
Only you can decide. I couldn't have left an embryo or had it adopted. But that's just me.
Feeling a bit ☹️☹️at the reaction to older mums. I think I am every bit as good a mum to my 8 month old now I'm nearly 46, as I was to my eldest when I was 35. In fact better , as I have more experience. I'm calmer and if anything, more loving. And the love in our household between the siblings is totally amazing.
But I do do a LOT of cleaning, washing, homework supervision, food shopping, ferrying about....

No.

Oh @crazyasafox I had two babies in my 40s. (41 and one month off 45).
No one medical even raised an eyebrow at me!! I was disappointed 😂😂
I did have several miscarriages between those two babies though , so that's the reality.

Your life, your body, if you want another baby you have the opportunity to have 1. If that works for you & your family then go for it.