Have a 4th at 47 or not?

[baby4ornot]

I will be turning 46 this year and have been on the fence about conceiving a 4th child.
Back story, we had a difficult time getting pregnant due to my endometriosis. We finally had our first child via IVF at the age of 40. Then we had twins (boy&girl) at age of 42. I was wiped out after the twins and had a severe umbilical hernia which I was told by my dr that I needed to get fixed before I ended up in an emergency room. I opted to get full muscle repair with no mesh. I was 44. At the time I couldn't think of having a fourth. Now my oldest is about to start K, and the twins will start next year.
We have 1 embryo left in storage. I have this immense guilt about leaving it in storage and that I should attempt to go through and try having this baby. The embryo has already been tested (after initial MC with first 3 IVF, we had all the embryos go through PGD testing), so it should be free of chromosome defects which would lead to a MC (miscarriage) or birth defects. It would just be a matter of it surviving the thaw and implanting.

I go back and forth on if I can physically handle a 4th at 47 (assuming I start the process this year and give birth next year)? When I was pregnant with the twins at 41-42, my BP was a concern, now I will also have to factor a pregnancy with a sewn stomach. Also we would be going back to square 1 baby stage and infant daycare costs. My husband doesn’t want to give the embryo up for adoption but I don’t want to destroy it either. Hence my dilemma. Anyone w similar situation or thoughts?

My vote would be no for all the reasons mentioned. I have a similar set up to you and then a 4th (Singleton, twins, Singleton), and honestly it feels like a lot, while there may not be any detected issues with the embryo, it doesn't mean thing can't go wrong and an advanced material age increases those changes massively. Enjoy your lovely family, I personally wouldn't consider adding more if I were in your shoes.

Hello! I'm pregnant with my second and will be 44.5 at delivery. I had my first at 41. I'm as sympathetic as you can be really to older motherhood. I understand the way you must feel, although I never had IVF. At our age the thought of 'what could be' can feel so final and pressurised. I find myself wondering about the chances of a third when I'm 45 even though the age gap would be silly, if it was even possible. I do wonder maybe if I were 10 years younger and had more options and time I'd see it more objectively and think two children was enough. My thoughts are that 47 would be fineif you were trying to provide your only child with a sibling or maybe even if you were hoping to experience a different gender with this 4th. But you do have three young children which is quite a handful and twins must have been tough, and you have both genders too. More importantly you'd be risking your health. You need to ask yourself if the worst case scenario in terms of a deterioration of health caused by a pregnsncy would honestly be worth it. You need to be able to say you don't care because you want another baby so badly. I am definitely not getting that from your post. I say stick with three.

I can see why you'd be considering it... Please ask your husband to think again about embryo adoption instead, though. Although the embryo sounds healthy, to be blunt, it doesn't sound like a pregnancy would be easy or straightforward for you. Or even safe - what if, god forbid, you died and left your three/four children childless?

If it’s guilt over ‘wasting’ the embryo, is there an option to donate it?

This is probably coloured by my family’s experience (many of whom have gotten naturally pregnant at your age) and I would say do it.

My aunty had her 4th at 46.

She had a heart attack 2 years later.

She passed away when her child was only 18, this time from a stroke.

Please appreciate what you have. Dealing with the fallout of her decision to conceive at such a late stage hasn't been pleasant for anyone, least of all her youngest child.

No.

Hell no

Good god no way.

The pregnancy is fraught with risk at your age, and the health of the baby too.
Your existing children need to be your priority op, there is no way I personally would risk it.

You will be sixty before the child even becomes a teenager, assuming it all goes well.

It’s an emphatic no from me.

I had one at 45 and coped well BUT I didn’t have any medical issues, a problem-free pregnancy and I didn’t have any other children.
I’ve worked hard to stay very fit and it’s fine, but I know I would struggle with 2, never mind 4.
Your existing children need you fit and healthy. Isn’t that more important?

But it's ok to be an old dad?

And I don't know much about it but don't PGS embryos have to be frozen and refrozen twice? I read they were less likely to survive thawing as a result. I could be wrong but if that's the case then does it help to think that even a perfect embryo wouldn't necessarily make it?

With your history, it doesn't sound advisable. And as this is MN, think of the environmental impact another child will have, also.

What a ridiculous comparison Vulpine.
Is the dad going to Carry the baby and put their body and health at risk.

It's completely different being an old dad, @Vulpine. Dads don't get pregnant.

I see your point with the embryo .
You have a healthy family which is great.
The only ones who can really decide are you and dh .
You had bp problems so perhaps take medical advice, but at the end of the day you must do what is right for you and your family .

I had my 4th surprise DC at the age of 36. 3 DCs felt completely manageable, busy, but manageable. 4 children is ridiculously complicated and noisy and overwhelming. There are 6 sibling relationships and it's more crowd control than parenting. Enjoy the children you have. Babies are gorgeous and I totally understand wanting another one, but they grow up and it is relentless hard work having 4.

Shouldn't the children you have already come first? You're at high risk and the kids you have need you around.

I wouldn't, mine are 12 and 10 now and I'd be way too knackered to go through all the sleepless nights again and I didn't have any health issues. Be happy with the kids you have, a healthy embryo is no guarantee of a healthy baby or a healthy mum at the end of it.

No.

I had a incisional hernia with my third baby (2nd c-section) repaired with mesh which failed so had a second repair using my own muscles. I was told it would be extremely dangerous to get pregnant again. We had planned to have four children so I was pretty upset but thankful for the children I have. I can't say I never regret not having a fourth and having the decision taken away from me was hard but the alternative was that I, and the baby, may not have survived pregnancy and birth. My husband had a vasectomy and the finality of it was like a kick in the teeth, but in reality I have had other problems with my hernia and pregnancy would likely have caused even more.

No.

But then, my mum died of Ovarian Cancer at 54 - the only comfort I have about that is that I was in my 20’s, not at primary school.

One poster said you'd be 70 when they went to university. Why is that ok for the dad but not the mum?

I think having a baby at 47 is incredibly selfish!

Just concentrate on the three you have.