Have a 4th at 47 or not?

[baby4ornot]

I will be turning 46 this year and have been on the fence about conceiving a 4th child.
Back story, we had a difficult time getting pregnant due to my endometriosis. We finally had our first child via IVF at the age of 40. Then we had twins (boy&girl) at age of 42. I was wiped out after the twins and had a severe umbilical hernia which I was told by my dr that I needed to get fixed before I ended up in an emergency room. I opted to get full muscle repair with no mesh. I was 44. At the time I couldn't think of having a fourth. Now my oldest is about to start K, and the twins will start next year.
We have 1 embryo left in storage. I have this immense guilt about leaving it in storage and that I should attempt to go through and try having this baby. The embryo has already been tested (after initial MC with first 3 IVF, we had all the embryos go through PGD testing), so it should be free of chromosome defects which would lead to a MC (miscarriage) or birth defects. It would just be a matter of it surviving the thaw and implanting.

I go back and forth on if I can physically handle a 4th at 47 (assuming I start the process this year and give birth next year)? When I was pregnant with the twins at 41-42, my BP was a concern, now I will also have to factor a pregnancy with a sewn stomach. Also we would be going back to square 1 baby stage and infant daycare costs. My husband doesn’t want to give the embryo up for adoption but I don’t want to destroy it either. Hence my dilemma. Anyone w similar situation or thoughts?

I personally can’t imagine much worse, I am 46 and would abort if I fell pregnant now. But then Cherie Blair had Leo at 47 which obviously worked for the Blairs so only you and your partner know what’s best for you. The odds of things going wrong at 46/47 must be significant though?

And maybe I’m hideously unsentimental but I don’t get the embryo guilt either. I’d just have it destroyed. It’s hardly going to have any feelings or awareness

Ok its a potential for pregnancy -you have had a difficult time conceiving so you feel attached to the idea but - imagine if you didn't & the little potential was still in your body (if you see what I mean) how would you have felt? would you be considering this? in a way the little potential is the same its the emotional connection - perhaps if you think of it this way it might (I hope) help. you have your 3 beautiful dc :) & your health to look after & love them - you know the pregnancy will make this difficult & could be risky for you & as a mum for your dear babies

by the by I don't think they accept eggs from women over the age of about 35 for donation

ComeAndDance - Honestly, I woulnt do it. Its just me but the first thing tat came to my mimd was that when that child who turn up 20yo, you would be 68yo. Past retirement age.

Barely - retirement age will be 67 for OP

My view on this has changed I think over the last couple of years.
I’m 48 and we lost a close (male) friend to cancer last year aged 50. Two dear friends and former classmates are going through horrendous treatments for cancer, one of them knows she will not recover. A third friend younger than me is being treated for uterine cancer. A (male) friend aged 56 has hopefully made it through colon cancer although it’s still very early days.
DH has lost a number of former rugby mates in their late 40s early 50s (strokes and heart attacks), a colleague’s Mum has rapidly accelerating dementia at 62 and is already almost unmanageable.
I’m keenly aware of the fragility of our health as we age. Of course statistically you are more likely to enjoy reasonable health for the next 20 years than not, but the chances of a debilitating illness are not low enough to make it easy to discount.
I know having young children made it much harder for our friend when he realised he was dying. His three younger children from his second marriage are struggling nearly two years on, the littlest particularly. She was 6 when he died and her mum says she’s suffering.
I wouldn’t do it but it’s your body. I wouldn’t negatively judge you.

No, I'd focus on the other three.

I think if you had a huge age gap between your children and the new baby I would definitely think twice however your existing children are still very young and I don’t think it would be so much of a reach to go for it again.

I would worry things might go wrong as your body is that bit older and you might not be able to carry your child to term.

However friend had her 3rd at 46 and she ran the London Marathon so still had plenty of energy

@crazy myself and six of my friends have all conceived naturally over the age of 40
It does happen

Of course, you should know that there's over 40 and there's 47.

Alaskan my thoughts exactly

Having children when you're closer to fifty whilst also working until you're nearly seventy looks doable on paper but in reality not many would successfully manage both. IMO

I seem to recall that Cherie Blair had a miscarriage not long after Leo. NOMB I know but I’ve often wondered whether that was an accident or whether they wanted Leo to have a sibling his own age.

I'm a bit at some of the comments about being a geriatric parent. As an older parent myself (admittedly I had DD at 41 not 47) I am fit and healthy, and don't look old enough to enjoy the benefits of my senior railcard. DD will be off to university this year, and while I am not as young as the parents of her peers, I don't think I look old enough to be her grandmother.

That said, the OP is 47, not 41, and from the sound of it another pregnancy could be very risky health-wise. As she already has three children her responsibility is towards them. I know this sounds a little mean, but I only had one child due to infertility issues, so my thinking is "don't be greedy", and quit while you are ahead.

This sounds like an extremely bad idea in every way. From what you have written it would be a selfish choice too.

Cherish what you already have. Why risk your health/ your children's mother.

I'm a bit hmm at some of the comments about being a geriatric parent. As an older parent myself (admittedly I had DD at 41 not 47)

Well, there's your answer. There is a huge difference between 41 and 47 in this context.

World of difference between 41 & 47.

Fertility drops significantly in mid 30s and as hormones change the body changes, e.g. joints, making pregnancy harder. In early 40s these changes would be lower than late 40s. The menopause starts at around 50 years and for some earlier. It is a significant time-frame!

@alaskan I have said I wouldn’t have another baby at 47
May comment was more generalist in that having a baby in your forties isn’t that shocking and quite a lot of women do manage it without assistance

I really wouldn't do it. The risks to your health are too high, and if you became pregnant (which is unlikely at 47), the chances of a mc are high.
Enjoy your 3 beautiful children.

Good grief, all these women agonising about whether to have a fourth or fifth child. Why not be satisfied with the ones you already have? Some of us would give anything just to have one. I know that will sound bitter, but what do you gain from child no. 4/5/6 that you didn't get from nos. 1, 2 or 3? I genuinely don't understand. Not to mention the issue of overpopulation. And people say childless women are selfish...

Well said Una!

May comment was more generalist in that having a baby in your forties isn’t that shocking and quite a lot of women do manage it without assistance

I know quite a few women who have had babies at 40/41/42 - absolutely no one at 47.

I'd be shocked if one of my late 40s friends had a baby, although I guess it might happen at some point given the direction of travel.

When my son died at age 16 I was 46. In that first absolutely horrendous year afterwards I thought of nothing else but another baby. However I saw sense, it would have been for the wrong reasons and frankly I was too old to go through the baby stuff again when my DD was an adult. I hope you can put a potential child’s needs before your own

@aprilshowers12

OP, even without the medical issues I wouldn’t go ahead.