'I'm basically a single parent in the week'

[sittingonacornflake]

I'm a lone parent of a 15mo and I'm in quite a lot of different Facebook support groups for little ones such as gentle parenting, breastfeeding, travel groups, Food related ones all sorts.

Something I see quite a lot which drives me mad is people posting a query or asking for advice and add in the caveat 'I'm basically a single parent in the week'. Usually because their DH works long hours out of the house. The most recent example of this was someone saying that their DH was out of the house working Monday - Friday 7am -6pm so they were basically a single parent during the week.

I don't comment but AIBU to think this is just SO insensitive and couldn't be further from the truth.

You have a husband. Your child's father comes home every day. If your child is ill and you can't even have chance to make yourself a meal during the day it's ok because your husband will come home and can take over cuddling or whatever so you can get some food and a shower. If you're at the absolute end of your tether with exhaustion and just want 5 minutes to yourself you just have to wait for your husband to come home and you can do this!

Being on your own during the day with kids is exhausting and had work I'm not taking that away from anyone but it's simply nothing at all like being on your own ALL. THE. TIME.

Every single thing is on you - keeping the house clean, laundry done, food in their bellies, stimulating activities, love, everything. There is simply no comparison to someone doing this 24/7 and someone who parents on their own during the day 5 days a week.

I probably am BU. Now I'm typing this out. But a few nights of teething and hardly any sleep i just want to pull my hair out with tiredness and reading these posts just grinds my gears!

Rant over. Be gentle with me. I know I'm BU really. I've got it easier than most (despite that rant making it sound otherwise).

For me it's that lack of emotional and mental support as a lone parent. You want to share everything your baby does with the one other person on this planet that's supposed to love them as much as you do- but they're not around.
I'm a pads brat, my dad was away for very very long stretches of time, and whilst my mother couldn't even speak to him, she knew he was going to come home and they'd be a family, but she does say she 'felt like a single parent' even though it was, and still is decades on, a happy marriage. There's often an emptiness with being a lone parent, and for me I felt like I had failed my child because she didn't have a dad. Obviously this is not the case for every lone parent.
When DD was a bit older, her dad came into her life and those feelings subsided somewhat. We excitedly shared milestones and celebrated birthdays together, I felt like we were a team. I definitely didn't feel so alone anymore.

I've had a partner too, not DD's dad obviously, until very recently- and parenting was just so much easier. It was really lovely, we were all more calm, things ran a bit more smoothly and his presence is missed in our home now we've spilt.

@bmbonanza
Single parent by choice? I did not choose for my DD's dad to run off with a 16 year old when I was pregnant but hey ho

I have been a single parent on and off and recently for the last six years it's bloody hard work I don't think people in couples married etc genuinely understand even if they try. For me it's the financial pressure that is the hardest if I don't work we will be homeless and it's the day to day struggles that you cope with alone.
That's not to say married people struggle as well I just think having a second person whether it's physically or financially makes a huge difference . Not sure who agrees.

Incidentally I'm not saying that parents whose other halves are absent through work etc don't have it hard, I'm sure they do; but don't pretend it's like something you can have no comprehension of. Likewise my exH is a pustulent festering Lino of shit BUT he does pay some child support and has the boys so I've no idea what life is like for a totally self-reliant love parent. It's not a competition and a little empathy goes a long way.

Barring death of a partner, how can you find yourself as a single parent so soon after a child's birth? Did you not know the father of the child very well when getting pregnant? Did you just fancy a baby and not think seriously about the lifelong commitment it entails?

I would wake up in the night with him having sex with me without consent. He threatened to kill me, I was covered in bruises, he would coerce me into sex by threatening to wake the baby and toddler if I didn't, knowing I was so sleep deprived I was barely coping. I had 2 kids under 3 and we went into refuge to get away, meaning starting new in a different town where I knew no one.

Screw you and your judgemental opinions.

@lotusbell the lie in threads get to me too because I never get one (well 7.30 is a lie in if I'm lucky) but I can remember the arguments and verbal abuse over lie ins with my ex.

My mum never understood about lie ins. Her thinking was that once you had a family lie ins went out of the window because you had children and needed to get up. No one opted out of a morning with the kids. Lying in bed was frowned upon. The day is wasted they'd say.

We were raised in the 60s and 70s and 80s and back then I think daily routines were more traditional for want of a better word. Up at 7, dinner at 5/6pm, bed at 10.30om for the adults as there was nothing on tv after the 10 o'clock news and in my family that was watched after dinner at 6pm. There was nothing to stay up for. No phones, no laptops, no gaming, no 24/7 tv (wtf at peppa pig at 11pm?!) no online shopping etc. We played board games, dominoes and cards and the tv was only on for something specific like Dallas, Dynasty, Magnum PI. I loved those when I was around 9/10 and have fond memories of watching magnum pi with my dad whilst playing dominoes or cards. The pubs kicked out at just gone 11pm. Night was night. Day was day. Life was simpler. Everything these days seems rushed, full, stressed. Everyone is exhausted trying to earn enough money for big houses, 2 cars and Disneyland Florida each year along with a package holiday in October half term and Center parcs at Easter or Whit. The latest phone, designer clothes, extra curricular activities ad nauseum. The modern world sells the money and consumerism equals happiness lie. No wonder modern day parents are so bloody tired. I wish we could slow down the world sometimes and stop equating success with money and material things. Id like to keep the good bits of both modern life and the "olden days" as my cheeky children call my childhood years! Blend them together to get a better balance. maybe then marriages might stand a chance and mental health would be better.

Sorry, waxing lyrical there and derailed myself and the thread

As you were.

Whenever this has been said to me I say 'no, you're like a married mum in a rubbish relationship'. I think sometimes that is really what the person is trying to communicate themselves. One of my friends says this kind of thing and actually I think she underestimates that the companionship her husband brings and maybe she's slightly envious of his working life. Grass is always greener!

I also like to point out they don't get the silly stigma attached to single parents.

And well done for being an awesome mum! Don't worry about other people's negative comments too much, it's usually about them rather than you!!

@DtPeabodysLoosePants, I agree with every word you've said!

@DtPeabodysLoosePants love the name

It’s all relative, you can’t tell someone how to feel! My husband works away weekdays, our families live hundreds of miles away so I do everything on my own with our house and kids during the week so that he can relax on the weekend when I go to work. I have a good friend who is a single parent to 3 kids, her XH did nothing when he was around and barely keeps in contact now. However, she has siblings and parents who do as much as they can to help her out regularly, so she doesn’t feel alone. I step in to help when they are not available and she does the same for me and my kids when I have weekday commitments.

There are days when we totally smash it and there are days where a bit more support would be really appreciated, either way we look out for each other, we don’t compete over who has it worst!

I think the crappy husband that ditched his wife and left her alone with multiple children was probably the crappy husband who did fuck all while they were married.

I honestly think in many families it's the female extended family the woman has that makes the difference more than the husband.

BanginChoons - obviously that's horrendous but what I'm trying to say is - was he always like that? or did he become like that after the kids were born? Not judgemental, just trying to understand why women have children with men who they don't want to be in a relationship with soon after the child is born? Does it all fall apart that quickly?

Em, to the above poster, plenty of children of single mums have fathers too

Yep. Mine do have a father. But he was only present every second Saturday because the absent parent has that choice. (And how often was I told that "You're so lucky he still takes an interest") The single parent carries all the burden of responsibility. The single parent can't pick and choose when they have their children. There were upsides - we had great fun, I never had to consider another adult, I had total control over my children's lives - but largely, single parents are on their own whilst the NRP chooses how much involvement they have. That's tough.

There is no ranking any of it really.

Single mum to one child but with a good job and family support is infinitely better than two parents with 3/4 kids and no financial or practical support.

My younger twos dad has decided to fuck off to another country to live. He’s going to come back once a month

We were together 12 years and the youngest has asd and I had to give up my career. I would never have thought he would just up and leave his children though

And I say that as someone who had her first at 16 and worked from when he was 10 months last child at 34. I’m 41 now

I did all my training/uni with a child, I have no idea what I’m going to do now. I guess I’m at the mercy of the tax payer now and who they vote for

I can tell you though, you wouldn’t want my life . And it could happen to any of you. If not you then your children because we have no history of asd in the family.

@duchessofballybrack has got it. Women saying that they feel like a single parent means that they don’t feel part of a team with their partner. So either things will have to change or they will become single. (Luckily when I have felt like that, things have changed for the better).

Op not every person in a relationship has a partner who is helpful. Whilst its not the same as being a single parent, you shouldn't assume.

Having a lazy husband who does nothing is much harder than being a single parent I can tell you

BanginChoons - obviously that's horrendous but what I'm trying to say is - was he always like that? or did he become like that after the kids were born?

Before i was pregnant, it thought things were fine. I had freedom and my oen income. He became more controlling throughout the pregnancy, and the first time he hit me was when my eldest was 6 weeks old. He had been to a funeral that day, and I allowed him to stay as we stayed up all night talking and he was so sorry and we had a baby and I wanted us to be a family. But the cycle of abuse continued.

@pinkstripeycat how is it harder to have a lazy husband than no other adult in the home?

It's also hard to have your children crying about why their daddy has left? when is he coming back? Why isn't he coming back? Why does daddy have a new family? Doesn't he love us anymore? He loves his new family more than us doesn't he mummy? Why does daddy not come to my special event when he said he wasn't at work today?

Or from my youngest- why don't I have daddy? He does but he's not interested and only saw him once when he was one.

The older ones required constant reassurance when he first left and still ask those questions now except they are old enough to see through most reassurances and know he's a feckless father.

LO went through a stage of asking of asking why his dad didn't love or like him.

It's bloody hard emotionally to deal with all that.

@pinkstripeycat yeah having another income and kids who don't keep asking when daddy is coming home and why you don't love daddy any more is way harder

I wish we'd all stop competing for who has the tougher time and just try to support each other, none of us knows what life is like for anyone else.

@MyGastIsFlabbered

In response to my previous post you asked me “why not”. I’m not sure what you’re asking for me to respond

@JacquesHammer I was asking why you wouldn't describe yourself as a 'lone' parent.

Single mum to one child but with a good job and family support is infinitely better than two parents with 3/4 kids and no financial or practical support

I agree. I know several single parents who have lots of family support. They are able to work because grandparents look after the kids. They also go on holidays with their friends and lots of nights out. I'd imagine two sets of healthy willing grandparents is far more useful than one lazy husband.

I was asking why you wouldn't describe yourself as a 'lone' parent

Because I don’t believe I am. My ex is a very good and involved dad.

I am, however, a single parent