'I'm basically a single parent in the week'

[sittingonacornflake]

I'm a lone parent of a 15mo and I'm in quite a lot of different Facebook support groups for little ones such as gentle parenting, breastfeeding, travel groups, Food related ones all sorts.

Something I see quite a lot which drives me mad is people posting a query or asking for advice and add in the caveat 'I'm basically a single parent in the week'. Usually because their DH works long hours out of the house. The most recent example of this was someone saying that their DH was out of the house working Monday - Friday 7am -6pm so they were basically a single parent during the week.

I don't comment but AIBU to think this is just SO insensitive and couldn't be further from the truth.

You have a husband. Your child's father comes home every day. If your child is ill and you can't even have chance to make yourself a meal during the day it's ok because your husband will come home and can take over cuddling or whatever so you can get some food and a shower. If you're at the absolute end of your tether with exhaustion and just want 5 minutes to yourself you just have to wait for your husband to come home and you can do this!

Being on your own during the day with kids is exhausting and had work I'm not taking that away from anyone but it's simply nothing at all like being on your own ALL. THE. TIME.

Every single thing is on you - keeping the house clean, laundry done, food in their bellies, stimulating activities, love, everything. There is simply no comparison to someone doing this 24/7 and someone who parents on their own during the day 5 days a week.

I probably am BU. Now I'm typing this out. But a few nights of teething and hardly any sleep i just want to pull my hair out with tiredness and reading these posts just grinds my gears!

Rant over. Be gentle with me. I know I'm BU really. I've got it easier than most (despite that rant making it sound otherwise).

But they're not a single parent, they are merely alone with their dc for a period of time. My partner leaves the house at 6.30am and gets home just before 6pm. I don't think I'm basically a single parent during that time. He's at work ffs. It's hardly an unusual situation. I don't know any families where both parents are physically present 24/7 and not at work at some point
The tipping point between just being a parent and feeling like a single parent is the proportion of the parenting responsibilities and work that falls to one parent. That's why I took exception to you saying that someone who looked after children alone for the vast majority of the day was exactly the same as someone that spends anytime with their children alone. It blatantly isn't. Do I think the person that spends 10/11 hours alone with their children is automatically like a single parent? No. Do I think their situation is comparable to someone that just spends a few hours alone with their children? Also no.

My DP works away from 9am Monday to 7pm on a Friday. Thank goodness DD is a teen and not a toddler, as even now I find it hard (a lot of running her here and there at present that we usually shared plus she’s getting right mardy these days and misses him terribly).

their DH was out of the house working Monday - Friday 7am -6pm

But these are not even unusually long or unsociable hours to work. It's perfectly standard. If one person is the sahp and the other works then it is totally ordinary to be looking after your DC for that amount of time. It's not even worthy of comment surely.

I'm sorry but I think you're analogies are really awful. The person who has a partner that's out of the house between 7am-6pm is parenting their child(ren) alone for potentially almost all of the child (ren)'s waking hours for five days a week. That is a completely different proposition to someone nipping out to the shops with their children alone.

Utter horseshit.

That's as bonkers as any woman who works out of the home - be it FT or 2 hours a week in Oxfam - denying she's a parent because she's "basically away from the kids so isn't a parent".

Absolutely fucking insane.

Just admit it. Single parents are single parents. If you've got a partner you are not a single parent.

What about all the single mums who are dating?

What about all the single mums who are dating?

what about them? You're still a single mum if you are dating!

and is it always assumed that that a single parent has an ex somewhere?!

Maybe some single mums have a supportive ex AND a live in partner to share the load at home.

I’m not sure, I definitely think being a single parent is better for me.

That’s because he was crap though and rarely here. As for support financial, not really when the bailiffs constantly turned up because he didn’t like to pay bills 🙄

Haven't RTFT but I completely agree with you and YANBU. I ended a friendship while I was a SM (EXH left me with 18mth old twins for another friend of mine) with someone after she kept going on about "basically just like being a single mum" but her OH brought in a huge salary which enabled her to hire a nanny. She really didn't get it.

I can see how annoying that is, the only people I would be more understanding of are offshore workers and those with partners on deployment in the armed forces, they are alone for weeks at a time whereas many (admittedly not all) single parents get Wednesday nights and every other weekend free (or whatever). I had my girls 7am to 7pm at least alone but he would be there later and occasionally bring in tea if I wasn't feeling like cooking, it's not the same as being on your own

OP I agree with you. I’m a single parent. My ex worked long shifts but was usually home at some point and would be able to help with the housework, cook, take the kids out somewhere etc and I usually had someone to talk to of an evening and have a mutual moan about life with. Now I’m a single parent and it is so very different. When my kids are misbehaving there is no one to back me up, worse still ‘they don’t behave like that at mine’ comes the ex’s response. I sit alone when they go to bed watching my soaps and end up ringing my mother more times a week than she would probably like just so I can let off some steam about my day. When I’m ill I just plod on, no one to take them out for a few days if me being ill happens to fall on my days and not days they go to the ex. If I don’t hoover and put the washing in and tidy up then the house remains a tip. I did used to have to nag my ex to get things done some weekends or days off but usually he was more than capable of giving the house a quick tidy.

It’s just not the same as having a husband who works long shifts. The only people I’d have any sympathy for really are those whose other halves physically work away - offshore, armed forces or jobs that take them away for weeks at a time. But again, at least they have the option of still discussing things on the phone and getting some back up (probably not armed forces but most other jobs).

I get cross when my own mother often comments she was like a single parent as my father was useless round the house or with us. No, she wasn’t a single parent. He came home and she was able to have adult company. He did take us out - apparently at her request - and we did loads of things as a family on weekends and holidays.

@stucknoue getting every other weekend and ever Wednesday off!! Some may, not all. My ex works weekends so will pick them up for tea on a Sunday. He does have them in the week but they literally sleep there and he takes them to school - breakfast club. I collect and drop back to him one night after feeding them and taking them to activities, his partner collects the second night. The third morning he drops them I pick them up and bring them to mine. Those are the days I work. The rest of the time are my non working days and I look after them, take them to activities etc. As I work in a school I look after them for the holidays. He takes the odd day off but not much and uses his holiday allowance for himself. Apparently I’m lucky according to some of the single parents I know as at least he has them over night regularly. Many don’t.

I’ve done both and I personally find it more frustrating the fact that I have a partner and 6 days a week his not really here. He comes in baths eats sorts work clothes and goes to bed at around 9pm to get up at 4pm and do it all again. He does half days Saturday and then so far has gone to the pub for a few. I have 4 kids I very very rarely see friends months can pass between seeing 1 friend and the next, it’s bloody lonely and frustrating to know I work, sort the kids, shop, clean, make sure bills are paid, if someone’s ill I’m there, if I’m ill I’m still there. I understand his job is hard but that’s literally what he does, work. I feel like a single parent 6 days a week 🤷‍♀️

Single parents are super heroes, and having a hard working partner is nothing like the same thing, end of discussion!

I absolutely hate when people compare themselves to single parents just because their partner works long hours.

I've been a single parent since my son was a year old, he turns 8 in 2 weeks.

No matter how hard someone finds parenting, a single parent should not be used as a comparison. We don't have a partner helping with the bills or the childcare, we're doing it on our own no matter how tough it can be.

Happyspud a single mum with a live in partner is not a single mum

@loz85 I bet he’s earning a decent wage though for those 6 days a week he works. You don’t say if you work or not. As the single parent I work 2 days and am constantly skint. A second person bringing an income into the house would be lovely. Or if I didn’t work, then one full time income would be lovely!!

SittingOnACornflake

Yes to all of it. The difference between being home along with your children whilst their dad works long days/away and being an actual single parent is huge. Those who say crap like this need to stop, it’s insensitive and utterly infuriating. You are NOT at all unreasonable.

🤦🏼‍♀️ Home alone.

(I’ve been a single parent for 8 years, my children are now 12 & 15)

Just chiming in to say I agree completely OP. My children are all grown now, but from the time they were newborns until they went off to uni, my husband left the house for work before 6am most weekdays and returned home between 9pm and 10pm. Nevertheless, I never considered myself a single parent. He was home at night when he wasn't travelling, and a full-time parent most weekends. I have a couple of friends who raised their children alone, and that was an utterly different proposition.

I totally agree that having a husband out of the house at work during the day in no way makes you a ‘single parent’ during the week.

My husband works away a lot and for 9 months straight he worked in Sweden from 5am Monday to 11pm Friday (he slept most of the weekend as he was exhausted) and I am probably guilty of considering myself a ‘single parent during the week’.

I have several close friends who are single parents 24-7 though so I was never insensitive enough to say it out loud!

I’m curious how I’d fare in your terms...

Husband worked away, when he first worked away I’d only see him for a week or every 6 ish weeks.

After that he only came back at weekends, not necessarily every one.

I used to call myself a weekday single parent, this living situation went on for around 10 years.

Would I have been one of the people who have been irritating you by calling myself that?

Just curious, ;)

I've been a single parent for nearly 8 years and dd's dad hasn't even seen her since she was 6mo. It is not the same, although I hear it countless times (usually in school play ground). People like to moan and say how busy they are in a competitive way; once you see it like that it is just annoying.

However I have one parent left and he comes up x1 a month to visit. They have a great relationship but tbh it is a lot of effort on my behalf to have him - bedsheets, he brings his washing, eats all of the food (1 loaf a day!), takes out every toy and leaves them where they fall, forgets to use a plate - yes, the bread [anger], wears muddy shoes in the house, keeps her up late and lets her watch TV all of the time. SO after all of that I do sometimes thank my lucky stars that I don't have that every day

I have a husband and he does none of the things you say. He watches telly that's literally all he does. But I am not a single parent and wouldn't say I was till I really was.