'I'm basically a single parent in the week'

[sittingonacornflake]

I'm a lone parent of a 15mo and I'm in quite a lot of different Facebook support groups for little ones such as gentle parenting, breastfeeding, travel groups, Food related ones all sorts.

Something I see quite a lot which drives me mad is people posting a query or asking for advice and add in the caveat 'I'm basically a single parent in the week'. Usually because their DH works long hours out of the house. The most recent example of this was someone saying that their DH was out of the house working Monday - Friday 7am -6pm so they were basically a single parent during the week.

I don't comment but AIBU to think this is just SO insensitive and couldn't be further from the truth.

You have a husband. Your child's father comes home every day. If your child is ill and you can't even have chance to make yourself a meal during the day it's ok because your husband will come home and can take over cuddling or whatever so you can get some food and a shower. If you're at the absolute end of your tether with exhaustion and just want 5 minutes to yourself you just have to wait for your husband to come home and you can do this!

Being on your own during the day with kids is exhausting and had work I'm not taking that away from anyone but it's simply nothing at all like being on your own ALL. THE. TIME.

Every single thing is on you - keeping the house clean, laundry done, food in their bellies, stimulating activities, love, everything. There is simply no comparison to someone doing this 24/7 and someone who parents on their own during the day 5 days a week.

I probably am BU. Now I'm typing this out. But a few nights of teething and hardly any sleep i just want to pull my hair out with tiredness and reading these posts just grinds my gears!

Rant over. Be gentle with me. I know I'm BU really. I've got it easier than most (despite that rant making it sound otherwise).

@bmbonanza but surely in an equal partnership it's not down to one partner to 'please' the other

You've got another adult to shoulder the burden. Lone parents done have that luxury. Plus often there's extended family on both sides to help out. I know a lot of in laws drive us potty, but they can be invaluable.

Single. Same house as when married. Same mortgage (in my name) and in negative equity so can’t move. Same utility bills, insurances etc. Maintenance and upkeep of the property remain, possibly increase with wear and tear. 3/4 of the mouths to feed. Half the income. 3/4 people to buy clothes for - costs for children increasing as they grow.

Even on a practical level it’s not the same as having twice the income for all those things.

Reading through this thread, it seems there’s an assumption that non-single parents have it easy - support, financial security, emotional support etc, but it’s not that clear cut. I have single friends who have family nearby, who have far more emotional and practical support, then others who are married who’s dps work long hours, provide no emotional support, don’t have family nearby etc.

@bmbonanza are they single by choice if their OH has left them for whatever reason? Doesn't seem like choice to me. I certainly didn't have a choice when my exH waltzed out of the door.,
I did have a choice to have my baby and raise him alone though and I own that choice proudly.

I do see what your saying but 'I am basically a single parent during the week', DH gets home on a Friday night (this is every other weekend btw not weekly) and sets off back to work on the Sunday night. So I'm not lying when I say I am basically a single parent during the week, it's true.

I think one of the biggest things for me was knowing that at the end of a shitty day or week that someone else would be there to share some part of the parenting with me. Yes he was useless in the main but he did adore his daughters and was fairly active with them. He'd make more work for me in general but at least for a hour or so no one was demanding mummy. Knowing there was that small bit of respite was a comfort. Being truly single means there is never that. Even if your OH is on tour or away for weeks at a time, there's an end to it. Being a single parent means it's never ending.

My Mum does this constantly. I am a single parent of 3 working full time to make ends meet. My mum was a stay at home to look after me and my siblings and my Dad worked abroad earning a lot of money. She constantly says "I know I didn't too" no you didnt mum.

My husband used to travel a lot when DD was small and we have literally no family support around. I used to say I was a single Mum with two salaries but sometimes it was extremely difficult.

Fair enough @sittingonacornflake I was BU most of the time then ;)

(I say most cause for 2 of those years he left me and had a girlfriend- so THOSE years I was actually a single mum - felt exactly like the rest of the time though)

Good luck to all, whether doing it alone or not

I work with a bloke who says his wife is basically a single parent - and IMO he's pretty spot on, too.

Yes, there's a difference between always being on your own and usually being on your own. When the DH's absence is due to career commitments, there's also the financial aspect.

Having said that, the colleague I was referring to is basically loaded (I am and he's more senior and better paid than myself) but quite probably spends more time with me and the rest of the team than with his family.

And while I actually admire his frankness regarding what it means to be the mother of his children, I'd have killed him long ago if we were married. I'd also have killed most of my other male colleagues (all married fathers with executive jobs), who do the same thing but don't have the same personal largesse to at least admit to what they're doing.

So, aside from the money aspect: yes, I do think there is such as thing as a single but married parent. I work with their OHs and can confirm that the're never there and, from an outsider's perspective, would seem to be so preoccupied with their careers that they're bound to be shit dads and husbands.

Being a single parent the hardest thing is having no time to yourself and not having anyone there at the end of a crappy day. I totally feel you on this one. Get up, sort the kids, go to work, come home, cook tea, do the house work and all the things inbetween, on repeat everyday. No lie ins that's for sure. Everything is on our shoulders with no one to fall back on. All mum's whether in a relationship or no work hard, but it's damn lonely sometimes having no one else there

As usual no one knows what it's like unless they have actually experienced it themselves. You can experience similar but if it's not the same situation then you cant know. You can sympathise sure, but you can't know how it actually feels because you haven't been in that situation. It's quite insulting to pretend otherwise. Like pretending you know how it feels to have lost a limb just because you broke yours once and couldn't use if for a few weeks or months.

With due respect @TellerTuesday4EVA you presumably have your partner's salary going into your 'pot' and you can contact him and have a vent when it gets too much? Even if it's just an e-mail to say 'fucking hell the kids are driving me nuts'

It's nowhere near the same.

I'm not a single parent, but I completely sympathise. I also find it odd when divorced mums say they are "single parents" when I know their children have a father who sees them all the time, shares the parenting and pays child support and maintenance. That too, seems insensitive to mums like OP who are really on their own, all the time, bearing all the financial pressure as well as caretaking alone.

Hang in there, OP, and if you find anyone offering to give you a bit of help so you can take some time for self care, please grab it! I'm sure it will get easier -- older children and teens bring their own challenges, but at least you get to face those challenges on a full night's sleep!

So I'm not lying when I say I am basically a single parent during the week, it's true.

Argh, no you're not. Being a single parent isn't just about doing all the day to day parenting/running a home, which plenty coupled up women do. It's paying for it all as well. It's making all the decisions without any input from anyone else. It's never getting a break. Well certainly in the case of lone parents anyway. I know there are many variables and yes some lone parents have lots of support, some single parents share custody and get plenty breaks and some get maintenance.

I fall into the lone parents category and consider myself extremely fortunate to have a supportive family closeby, 1 very easy child and a decent job.
I do recognise that many women in relationships have it tough. I know for a fact I have it easier than a lot of my married friends, mainly because they either have multiple children or hands off partners who don't do their equal share. Personally I would find that much harder. It's not a race to the bottom but the only thing that is 'like' being a single parent is actually being a single parent.

I was a single parent from when my 2 DSs were born, 9 years between them and DS2 is still with me (at 30 yrs old DS1 isnt)
No family nearby when the boys were little, no contact or maintenance from either father.
Believe me, it was bloody hard.. times when you all came down with bugs and you still had to look after the kids while vomiting, having nothing to eat of an evening because feeding the kids came first, rushing DS2 to A&E in the night and having to wake up DS1 to come too as he couldn't be left alone, making really big decisions by yourself with no-one to shoulder a part of the responsibility.. i could go on..
Yes i'm now proud as anything, i did a good job, but in no way is having a decent partner around but out at work is similar! No bloody way..
YADNBU!

@EllenMP. Divorced parents are single parents if they are living alone with their child/ren and making all the parenting decisions themselves. I’m divorced. I get a small amount of maintenance but that’s no where near the same as having 2 salaries. They stay there a couple of nights a week - happens to be when I work so when I actually want to do something for myself I have to make arrangements with my mother and her busy social calendar. His family don’t live close. My sister lives at the other side of the world. I have a single income running the same household that used to have 2 incomes. School holidays are down to me as I work in a school. Definitely not a week of rest. I take my child to all her medical appointments as she has additional needs. I take them both to the dentist, opticians, hobbies. I get home exhausted and have no one to chat to in the house on an adult level. I can ring my mother but that’s not the same as talking to a partner. My child’s PDA outbursts only happen at my house and not daddy’s house as that’s not home according to her, just a place she goes for tea and a sleep over, where she feels like a guest and where she has to ask when she wants a drink/snack rather than where she helps herself when she’s with me as she’s more than capable. Home is with me and where she’s safe to combust after holding it in all day at school or for a few days at dad’s. Dad has a partner so they have 2 incomes into their home, another child who he sees every day. My child keeps asking why we can’t all just live together. She doesn’t understand why daddy wanted to leave our family and start a new family. His parenting choices differ from mine - possibly as the partner has her own house rules too, so there are two sets of house rules to understand and follow.

Divorced parents living alone with their child/ten are most definitely single parents. I am single. I don’t have a partner to share intimate thoughts and feelings with. Single is one parent. I am one parent.

I also find it odd when divorced mums say they are "single parents" when I know their children have a father who sees them all the time, shares the parenting and pays child support and maintenance

I’m a single parent. I live alone, I have no partner. I’m single.

Ex-H pays maintenance, whilst the CMS level it is nowhere near 2 salaries.

I would never describe myself as a lone parent

celticprincess cross post!

Oh and the other slap in the face comes from family - ‘you chose to have kids’ - when feeling down and fed up. Yes I chose to have kids when I was married and financially well off. As a joint venture to create a family. I did not choose to be the only parent in my house and the only income. I did not choose to pack my children off a couple of times a week and only hold conversations with the person I had chosen to marry via text message. There are some people who choose to have children alone and do it all alone. Plenty people go down the ivf route whilst single or adopt whilst single. Those people made a choice. Use divorced people did not make the choice to parent our children apart from their other parent.

What used to bug me, actually is people saying they are a single parent when they hand over there kid to the other parent every week. I never had that, there was no handing over to anyone. On the other side, I think being a single parent can be so much easier than being in a relationship sometimes. It does get lonely though.

@JacquesHammer glad I’m not on my own little band waggon

@JacquesHammer why not? My ex has regular contact with DCs and pays £8 a month above the CSA minimum. But I'm still a single parent. My ex isn't interested above his scheduled contact and I have to deal with the fallout and day to day problems.

I get incredibly fucked off that my exH gets away with the bare minimum yet I'm supposed to be grateful for what he does do because some mums have it even worse.

I think YANBU.
My husband is out of the house 7am- 8.30pm most nights and tbh does piss all with our 3 gorgeous DC in the evenings or at the weekends. He travels a lot with work too so is some times not back all week.
It is tough. But even so I would not say that I am like a ‘single parent’.
His contribution leaves a lot to be desired but when the chips are down and there is a crisis he is there for us.

Yes, I have nobody to hand my DC over to either. And I'm more envious of single parents who have their freedom a few days a week than I am of conventional families. The freedom seems more appealing. But my married friends would probably find that hard to believe/understand.

Parenthood sure does cost mothers more than it costs fathers and that is a fact. Earnings, expenses, freedom, choices....... You name it.