'I'm basically a single parent in the week'

[sittingonacornflake]

I'm a lone parent of a 15mo and I'm in quite a lot of different Facebook support groups for little ones such as gentle parenting, breastfeeding, travel groups, Food related ones all sorts.

Something I see quite a lot which drives me mad is people posting a query or asking for advice and add in the caveat 'I'm basically a single parent in the week'. Usually because their DH works long hours out of the house. The most recent example of this was someone saying that their DH was out of the house working Monday - Friday 7am -6pm so they were basically a single parent during the week.

I don't comment but AIBU to think this is just SO insensitive and couldn't be further from the truth.

You have a husband. Your child's father comes home every day. If your child is ill and you can't even have chance to make yourself a meal during the day it's ok because your husband will come home and can take over cuddling or whatever so you can get some food and a shower. If you're at the absolute end of your tether with exhaustion and just want 5 minutes to yourself you just have to wait for your husband to come home and you can do this!

Being on your own during the day with kids is exhausting and had work I'm not taking that away from anyone but it's simply nothing at all like being on your own ALL. THE. TIME.

Every single thing is on you - keeping the house clean, laundry done, food in their bellies, stimulating activities, love, everything. There is simply no comparison to someone doing this 24/7 and someone who parents on their own during the day 5 days a week.

I probably am BU. Now I'm typing this out. But a few nights of teething and hardly any sleep i just want to pull my hair out with tiredness and reading these posts just grinds my gears!

Rant over. Be gentle with me. I know I'm BU really. I've got it easier than most (despite that rant making it sound otherwise).

Well said fast lane 46.

I think Vulpine sums it up, every situation is different.

“every situation is different. You could be in a lonely unhappy marriage where you do every thing alone or you could be a single parent who has lots of support and is happy. Having been both there are most definitely pros and cons to each”

I was in an abusive relationship with my ex so my life is easier withy him.

People miss the point on these threads though. It isn’t about what is harder it is about recognising common struggles for a group of people. Not unique or that apply to everyone.

One of the hardest things for me is no one really cares the way I do when I am proud, amused or frustrated.

I have one income , one set of holidays , no one to take over when I am ill or at the end of my tether. Not unique to all single parents , not all apply but many do.

Lone parent here- I hear you!!!

I have I friended people that spout such rubbish. It’s demeaning, ignorant and highly insensitive to ACTUAL lone parents.

As a single parent it does irk me a bit but I wouldn’t dream of saying those with partners have it easier because that isn’t always the case. I wouldn’t say I find it harder being alone with my dd than when I was with her dad. The difficulties are still there they are just different.

As a lone parent now I can say that it is 100% different to having a loving partner who happens to work long hours. Thats just part and parcel of being a SAHP. You dont want to do that? Fine, get child care and go to work! A single parent has no choice in the matter.

That said, I felt far more lonely, far less supported and far more put upon when I was in a miserable marriage to a man who did literally nothing that wasnt for himself. I had the life I have now, doing everything, being responsible for every thing, but with the added insult of sharing a house with a man who shoul dhave done stuff but didnt. Being single is far preferable to that, so anyone in a miserable marriage to a lazy cunt may have be lone parents in all but name.

YANBU, parenting is hard but to that without any help from a partner would be so much harder and my children are nearly teenagers. Of course there are some husbands that are more work than help as I hear from some of my friends. But still... I understand your point. Try to keep in mind that it gets easier ( in some aspects) as your child grows up.

You know, you don't break your leg and say you're basically disabled for a few months because it's not the same

People absolutely do say this. And use disabled facilities too.

I spent 8 years as a single parent of 2 then met my hubby and had another baby . He works bloody hard , long hours but i would never say im basically a single parent .....As i'm not!!!
The people saying that probably have no idea what being an actual single parent feels like ....

We've just found out were expecting, and the work hours have become an ongoing compromise.

My DP work every day a 9-5 job, but he gets up at 5am and doesnt come home until 8 at the earliest, he does a lot of work for family and friends, he officially works every 3rd Saturday of the month, although for as long as ove knows him we've only spent 3 or 4 whole weekends together he will usually get up at 7, go to work until about 6pm most Saturdays, sometimes he will even go and 'look at a job's on Sunday.

I spent the majority of my time alone at home, I've explained it's fine that he works for more money to support us both, especially when I'll be on maternity, but I've asked him to please consider the help I'm going into need with a newborn for the first few months.

That said, I would never intentionally call myself a single parents during the week.. just do isn't home so I spend a lot of time on my own.

Another thing, even if the father is away most of the week the support can still be there, financially, on the decision making, to go on holidays together. I've never been a single parent but I am very aware of how hard it would be not to have someone to share the load. My brother is in the army but when he is away he still contactable even if only by phone or email and will be in touch with his kids and wife. Someone to have a chat if a problem occurs. And there is the small matter of financial support too ...

No-one's difficulties trump.someone elses.

Actually, I think you'll find that some people's difficulties DO trump other people's difficulties. Not all difficulties are the same.

YABU for being in gentle parenting groups

I’m with you, even if your partner works away during the week or is in the military you still have someone you can ring and bounce ideas off and someone there to reassure you or advise you or be a shoulder to cry on. For me it’s not the physical demands of being a single mum but the emotional demands of doing it alone.

And use disabled facilities too

But sometimes, to be fair, that’s totally unavoidable.

My dh often worked out of town when dc were young. When dc were teens too.

Dm didn't marry until I was 5. So I know the difference.

I understand, OP, i agree. But I also think that it's difficult with dh out of town for other reasons. Like dc angry bc df isn't home.

There was a transition time when dh arrived home Friday night. Household dynamics change.

Overall, I have often thought of my dm and how grateful I was to have dh to lean on.

OP. No piling on from me.

I think it depends. For the past year I've definitely felt like a single mum in the week. Husband not getting home till 7, and when he did get home definitely no help with bedtime or take over for a cuddle or whatever. I did 100% of the childcare and the cleaning. The weekend he would go out with friends. I now am a single mother and the only difference is i really can't get him to pick up dd if something comes up at work.

@flowergrrl77 that sound tough but still doesn't count, sorry. You 'only' have to do it alone for so many weeks and then you've got your partner, the other parent back. There is 'an end in sight' always. IMO anyway.

You are completely right and I agree 100%.
My dad worked away up to 7 weeks at a time and my mum never compared herself to a single parent because she had emotional support just a phonecall away and obviously financial from work. She would place us in groups when she was working and just got on like most mums and dad's out there.

I used to feel like a single parent at times because me exH was useless. Then I was a single parent and the huge sense of responsibility I felt at everything being down to me took me a while to get used to. But it was easier with him not around as there was no hope or expectation of anyone else doing anything regarding the children or the house. Then I got pregnant after ending my subsequent relationship and have been single since. I love it. I read all the feckless OH posts and deeply sympathise but feel a huge sense of relief that that's no longer me.

What really pisses me off though is the "I'm like a single parent" mum (could be dads too but I have only experience of mums) who are out every weekend, the grandparents have the kids overnight or for the whole weekend, they are away at spas and doing all sorts of relaxing/fun things and having time alone. Their mum helps with housework/laundry, their dad does their diy, they go on holiday with their parents and basically get lots of time to themselves. Those single parents really make me roll my eyes when they talk about how hard it is and how tired they are. Is it jealousy? A little maybe, as my time alone is a bike ride once a week when all 3 are at school. I love that, I treasure it and am grateful for that 2 hours of me time. But mainly I think a lot of parents don't realise how lucky they are to have so much help on tap because a lot of us haven't. Single or not.

Overall though, life is easier without a shit husband. If I'd had a good one I might think being a single parent is really hard work though.

Here's to everyone who's struggling, whether single or with an OH

What's a gentle parenting group?

There are loads of circumstances when you are married or with DP and you have to live as if you are single eg Off shore workers, the forces, contracts overseas so you don't need to be single to feel you ha e to do it all. Many have a choice in the matter whether or not to be a single parent but there are those who do not.

The big demographic change that's occurred in society over the last 30/40 years is not people who have a partner who works long hours, but generations of families becoming more physically distant across the UK. In decades past, men got less parternity leave (if any) but new mums had their own mother, aunties, sisters etc nearby during the day - so probably more many people more daytime support and less loneliness. Jobs, housing and the economic pull of the south east have pulled family's apart and cause this feeling of "I'm a lone parent".

The thing is, when you're with a partner who is the father of your children you know that if the shit hits the fan you can generally get hold of your partner no matter where he is. You've got emotional support from another adult.

You have none of that as a lone parent. And if the split is particularly acrimonious you'd rather stick pins in your eyes than run to your ex unless you absolutely had to.

It's worlds apart and it really fucks me off.

YABU - they are going through the same issues as you on a practical level, but also have the potential stress of another person to please.
Unless bereaved you are a single parent through choice - whether you chose it initially or chose it later as better than a poor relationship, but you only have to answer to and please yourself and your children. Not all husbands are going to come home and take the burden off their wives - a lot will just add to it by demanding tea or whatever.