'I'm basically a single parent in the week'

[sittingonacornflake]

I'm a lone parent of a 15mo and I'm in quite a lot of different Facebook support groups for little ones such as gentle parenting, breastfeeding, travel groups, Food related ones all sorts.

Something I see quite a lot which drives me mad is people posting a query or asking for advice and add in the caveat 'I'm basically a single parent in the week'. Usually because their DH works long hours out of the house. The most recent example of this was someone saying that their DH was out of the house working Monday - Friday 7am -6pm so they were basically a single parent during the week.

I don't comment but AIBU to think this is just SO insensitive and couldn't be further from the truth.

You have a husband. Your child's father comes home every day. If your child is ill and you can't even have chance to make yourself a meal during the day it's ok because your husband will come home and can take over cuddling or whatever so you can get some food and a shower. If you're at the absolute end of your tether with exhaustion and just want 5 minutes to yourself you just have to wait for your husband to come home and you can do this!

Being on your own during the day with kids is exhausting and had work I'm not taking that away from anyone but it's simply nothing at all like being on your own ALL. THE. TIME.

Every single thing is on you - keeping the house clean, laundry done, food in their bellies, stimulating activities, love, everything. There is simply no comparison to someone doing this 24/7 and someone who parents on their own during the day 5 days a week.

I probably am BU. Now I'm typing this out. But a few nights of teething and hardly any sleep i just want to pull my hair out with tiredness and reading these posts just grinds my gears!

Rant over. Be gentle with me. I know I'm BU really. I've got it easier than most (despite that rant making it sound otherwise).

I’m not sure lone parent necessarily means you do it all alone though. I considered myself a single parent for 4 years after my divorce but their father still saw them so I had time to myself, still contributed financially and helped out where he could.

My current husband is a long distance lorry driver and I find it easier when he is not here despite him helping just because it’s another adult in the house, getting in the way, eating, making a mess etc.

I agree it’s an insensitive thing to say as I have learned on MN but presuming a lone parent equates to being completely alone and without support is rather presumptuous and unreasonable and possibly adds to the stigma of ‘single parenthood’.

You have a husband. Your child's father comes home every day. If your child is ill and you can't even have chance to make yourself a meal during the day it's ok because your husband will come home and can take over cuddling or whatever so you can get some food and a shower. If you're at the absolute end of your tether with exhaustion and just want 5 minutes to yourself you just have to wait for your husband to come home and you can do this!

But you're assuming that's true? My sister is married with a 2yo. From the outside, you'd think her life was great. The reality is her husband, the baby's father does SHIT ALL around the house or for the kid. She is responsible for everything while working an FT job (making more than him so no breadwinner argument). He makes her life so much harder beacuse as well as doing everything, she has to take care of him. Not a chance in hell he'd make dinner if she was exhausted, split childcare if DN is ill, take over with bedtime when he gets in. She is a single parent and is married to a deadweight. Worst of both worlds.

My husband goes away for weeks at a time (full weeks including weekends) so I can't rely on him for childcare or help at all. It was hard when my children were babies. I remember one time that I nearly vomited on my son when he was on his changing table. He went away last year for 40 days straight. In that way it is probably similar to being a single mum.
However I could still speak to him by phone and his earnings paid the bills so I never had to worry about being the one bringing in money. So it's not really the same, as single mums have that worry too.

YANBU it is an insensitive thing to say.

However, growing up my DF worked very long hours and when he was home he did almost nothing in terms of childcare for us. He never put us to bed, gave us baths, etc. That was women's work in his view. Other than financially she basically parented us alone. So I would echo a PP that sometimes when people say this, they're talking about their emotional experience of being the sole responsible parent while their partner is checked out.

Ikwym op, I was a single parent for 8 years to 4, I worked full time, ran myself ragged, I used to get infuriated by people saying that, it's not the same at all, as a single parent you carry everything alone, I'm now married and even if dh is away then I know he'll be there at a point in time to crack on with parenting , or sharing the mental load, or whatever needs doing

No idea. I'm a hostage in my own home when the kids have gone to bed. I can't even take a walk around the block to stretch my legs and get some fresh air. I can't pop out for milk. I can't go to the gym at 5am. It's ME who worries if there's enough money coming in or not. It's me who needs to wash the dishes when my eyes are crossed and I can barely stand up. It's me who needs to do everything.

I do wonder if there's some truth in the "I'm basically a single parent" comment though - along the suggested lines that the woman has already mentally checked out and just doesn't want to upset the bank account status quo.

YANBU. I am married but these statements wind me up. I think it's because it used to get on my mum's nerves. She brought up me and my siblings alone on what was, for a while, a very tiny income. She would say that the women who said this could look forward to their husband's company at the weekend and his income at the end of the month.
Sometimes I've almost been tempted to say it myself because my DH works insane hours and it gets wearing doing it all Mon to Fri. But I know it's not the same at all.

I can understand why you’d feel like that.

DH works away one or twos days a week. I actually enjoy the time by myself - the house stays cleaner and I catch up on chores I wouldn’t do if he was here/ watch all my tv. It’s not that he doesn’t do housework! It’s just not having an extra person to make all the mess.

However, I know that he is at the end of the phone if I need him and that he’ll be back in a few days. He always does the food shop/ prep before he goes so I have everything I need.

I have been guilty of saying I’m ‘flying solo’ this week but I know it’s not the same thing. I can only imagine how knackering it must be to be a single parent, I’d like to think I’m an independent person but honestly losing DH it’s one of my worst fears.

She is a single parent and is married to a deadweight. Worst of both worlds

Just wow. Being a single parent is the worst thing in the world? Really? I am a single parent but there are far worse things that have happened to me in my life. Says it all, doesn't it? That single parents and single parenting is inherently 'bad'. It isn't. Not by a long shot.

Being with someone useless is harder than being a single parent in a lot of ways.

YANBU but I have to admit during the long days DH works I do find myself jealous of the set up his ex has (she is with someone new). When DSD comes to us for 4 nights on the trot she has complete freedom. Whereas for me it means DH is occupied with DSD and I’m left with the baby again. DH saves his day off for this time so I don’t get any help in between either. DH wouldn’t contemplate a holiday without the kids but we often have DSD whilst his Mum holidays for a week or two.

But yes, sometimes I can walk the dog for half an hour, send someone to grab milk (though more often than not he forgets) and I do have the emotional support. So it’s not the same and certainly not worse and i wouldn’t swap it.

Even in the rare instances where the other parent works away for extended periods it’s still nothing like being a single parent because you have the finacial and (if you require that sort of thing) emotional support as well as the (again if you give a shit) the social validation. There have been periods when my husband hasn’t so much asseen our childremfor a couple of weeks because he’s been too busy. I Amy sermon delusions that this is even remotely similar to what my life would be like as a single parent.

@Foxmuffin that does sound tough. And frustrating.

Unless you count the 30 minutes supervised contact he has at my house once a week ex does nothing with DC. I hope he sorts his act out and this changes in the future.

Yes. It's tough don't get me wrong but it is nothing like being a single parent.

Especially when the husband works away/long hours to provide a fabulous income - I mean I do understand that it's stressful to do all of the parenting alone and money doesn't magically make that easier (though it can buy you some shortcuts, TBH) but it's nothing like actually being a single parent, where you do have all those money worries, loneliness, nobody to share stuff with on top! Seriously.

Nobody needs there to be some kind of hierarchy of hard parenting but find another phrase.

@canileavenow the phrase worst of both worlds means you have the worser elements of each thing not that it’s the worst thing in the world

@BertieBotts this is I think what I've been trying to articulate. I've no doubt they've got it tough. Maybe harder than me who knows. But it's NOT the same thing as being a single parent or a lone parent and there's just no need to try and say it's the same.

YANBU.

I've been married for years but I was a single mum for 7 years before that. It gave me the rage when women said that because it was kind of a stealth boast too - husbands who were away a lot were often in very high flying well-paid jobs. The difference between that and being an actual single parent responsible for everything is immense. It wasn't all bad for me- I was young with loads of energy and I enjoyed the independence (marriage has its own challenges!). But it was hard and stressful and scary at times. I have huge respect for anyone doing it.

YANBU

DSIs is a single parent, her child has a father, great grand parents, both sides of parents are divorced/remarried so 4 sets of grandparents, Dsis has 3 sisters (including me) she works and has loads of babysitters including overnights, she went out loads and had free weekends etc

Child was with her father one night a week and every other weekend -

I’ve never had a child free weekend

Her single parent is very different from yours - it’s still hard - she still needed to provide food clothes deal with school and medical stuff on her own, but it was offset with free time to get on with stuff

Some people I’ve noticed can’t cope with life without a partner and do everything together, you see them out shopping, or at the doctors etc - neither great is it?

When DSD comes to us for 4 nights on the trot she has complete freedom

I would swap the “complete freedom” in a heartbeat to not being separated from my child.

My “complete freedom” is when I work most hours to support me and DD because we only have one income!

Unless you count the 30 minutes supervised contact he has at my house once a week ex does nothing with DC. I hope he sorts his act out and this changes in the future.

That’s so disgusting. I think if two parents actually share the parenting being a SP doesn’t have to be quite so shit.

the phrase worst of both worlds means you have the worser elements of each thing not that it’s the worst thing in the world

which is still saying single parenting is 'worse'....for some people, maybe. But not for all of us. And it's not the worst thing that could happen. It is used in a negative way - and whilst difficult, there are up sides as well. I get fed up with people who see me constantly in a negative light because of my circumstances. I am not unhappy. My life is hectic. It is not worse than anyone else's life because I am single.

I get fed up with people who see me constantly in a negative light because of my circumstances. I am not unhappy. My life is hectic. It is not worse than anyone else's life because I am single

If only society would catch up! I hear you totally!

OP YABU in assuming you’re winning at the difficult-parenting-situation game. There are lots of mums who do literally everything single handed while also having to look after at best a man child, but at worse a man child who abuses them. They just mean that they parent alone, and lots of women with husbands do parent alone. Single parents on The other hand sometimes have wonderful family support and some have an ex who takes their child/children for a few days every week which can be a great situation (or horrible one) depending on the individual case.

So every case is individual and feeling incredibly alone and under great pressure as a parent is not exclusive to ‘single parents’.

So OP, give other mums a break and try to to feel like they are stealing your thunder. Every case is individual.

YANB the least bit U. I have a 6 month old and a husband who leaves the house at 8 and is frequently gone til 9. I have always done all night feeds/duties. But I would never compare this to being a single parent for all the reasons you give. I’m angry on your behalf!