'I'm basically a single parent in the week'

[sittingonacornflake]

I'm a lone parent of a 15mo and I'm in quite a lot of different Facebook support groups for little ones such as gentle parenting, breastfeeding, travel groups, Food related ones all sorts.

Something I see quite a lot which drives me mad is people posting a query or asking for advice and add in the caveat 'I'm basically a single parent in the week'. Usually because their DH works long hours out of the house. The most recent example of this was someone saying that their DH was out of the house working Monday - Friday 7am -6pm so they were basically a single parent during the week.

I don't comment but AIBU to think this is just SO insensitive and couldn't be further from the truth.

You have a husband. Your child's father comes home every day. If your child is ill and you can't even have chance to make yourself a meal during the day it's ok because your husband will come home and can take over cuddling or whatever so you can get some food and a shower. If you're at the absolute end of your tether with exhaustion and just want 5 minutes to yourself you just have to wait for your husband to come home and you can do this!

Being on your own during the day with kids is exhausting and had work I'm not taking that away from anyone but it's simply nothing at all like being on your own ALL. THE. TIME.

Every single thing is on you - keeping the house clean, laundry done, food in their bellies, stimulating activities, love, everything. There is simply no comparison to someone doing this 24/7 and someone who parents on their own during the day 5 days a week.

I probably am BU. Now I'm typing this out. But a few nights of teething and hardly any sleep i just want to pull my hair out with tiredness and reading these posts just grinds my gears!

Rant over. Be gentle with me. I know I'm BU really. I've got it easier than most (despite that rant making it sound otherwise).

Career progression, time to study, ability to SAVE, pension continuity, greater likelihood of starting again with a younger partner with NO kids herself. Society colludes massively in stitching up mothers.

@wallowinwater I hand over my kids so I can go to work. Breakfast club doesn’t open early enough. I drop them at bed time, or they’re picked up at tea time, and they’re dropped at school by 7:30am. I collect them from after school club when I finish my 2 days at work. I agree some single parents drop them off at the other parent for the weekend and go and enjoy themselves with friends. Not everyone though. I appreciate that some people have less support than others but it doesn’t make you less or more single.

Plenty people hand their kids over to grandparents, child minders etc.

It is insensitive, you’re absolutely right, I said it once and my friend said sarcastically “yeah you’re a single parent but without the money worries.” So I don’t say it anymore.

But, that said, my husband has never done a night waking. He has never prepared a hot meal for our child. He does not clean or shop and cooking is probably twice a month. He works crazy long hrs and also travels a great deal in the week, sometimes I actually forget which country he’s in. So, when I am ill there is no-one to help out, I’m still puking in a bucket with one hand and looking after our son with the other. And I find myself groping for words to describe the situation and sometimes the single parent phrase feels like a fit. Except it isn’t. Because if I was divorced then maybe he’d have to look after our son at weekends a bit! Instead of working/dozing all the time. And maybe I would get a date occasionally 🤣 And I wouldn’t have to try to keep meals stocked for someone who may or may not suddenly turn up before midnight expecting to eat. God it’s ridiculous I know. But maybe when people use that ‘single parent’ phrase they are feeling sad in the same way you sometimes feel sad and maybe feeling offended about it or getting competitive about who is sadder isn’t helpful to anyone.

My friends no longer invite me out. Dad has them mid week so I can work. He works weekends. If I want a night out it has to be forward planned so they can be dropped with grandparent. The only person I do go out with is my mum so we no longer go out together to the places we used to as one of us has to look after my children. Dad wants to go out he does, just messaged and says he can’t have the kids as going out. Whenever I’ve tried that back to him I usually get told he has plans. Before he met his partner he went out a lot with friends.

You are not being unreasonable.

My experience is that my wife died last September leaving my DS's of 18 and 13 - who are about as easy to deal with as you could hope. I still find the responsibility of remembering everything overwhelming at times. I guess we all want to be heroes of our own life stories so are minded to want to display how brave we are but there is a difference between having a partner who comes home late and tired - who you can at least share things with - and doing it all on your own. And I am having it pretty easy on the parent front

@Mycatwontstopstaring in reality it doesn’t work like that. He doesn’t have to have them at all, you make arrangements to fit and ours are made around working and not socialising. Not had a date in 5 years.

I get where you’re coming from as I loved a married life with someone who worked away a lot and would not be home for tea when planned etc, who made time to go to the gym on his days off and meet his friends and attend his hobbies. At least now I’m single I know I’m not expecting help. I get that. But it’s still not the same.

Maybe all those people complaining how hard it is with their husbands who do nothing should just leave them!! Clearly your life is harder than us single folk, so join us.

DH gets home on a Friday night (this is every other weekend btw not weekly) and sets off back to work on the Sunday night. So I'm not lying when I say I am basically a single parent during the week, it's true

Is your DH not a parent while he's away? If you were to die, become inacapacitated would he not take compassionate leave to look after his children? Does he not fund some or all of the family expenses? If there was a big family issue, would your DH not come home to support you?

The reality is for single parents is that you're IT. I couldn't do anything that jeopardised my job because it would mean I couldn't pay my bills (CM didn't even cover childminder). I spent years in jobs I hated because I needed the money. I had a health scare and my worst fear was that I would die and the DCs would go into care. But you know what was worse? Seeing my DCs being brilliant at school plays/carol concerts/shows and having no one to share that joy with. Teenage years were hell. No support, only blame that it was my fault.

So no. If the other parent is present in your DCs family life, whether they are physically located or not, then you have no fucking idea what it is like shouldering that responsibility totally on your own.

parenting is so lonely at times, friendship is about giving your friends the benefit of the doubt when they're sharing their worries even if expressed crassly - you're very rarely equal across all comparable bases with a friend.

I do find it sad that so many of the looser friendship arrangements involve people judging each other - why bother?

Em, to the above poster, plenty of children of single mums have fathers too.

I meant OllyBJolly.

Yes, life can be difficult for all mums but that doesn’t mean people should call themselves single mums if they aren’t. It is disrespectful and the op is not being unreasonable.

itsabongthing Our situation is somewhat similar. But DH does provide for us well financially, and is good in emergency situations. He also sometimes has a crisis of guilt and spontaneously does something random like clean all the windows, do a massive pile or ironing or steam-clean all the carpets. Not very often though!

My friend did die. She was a single parent. Her eldest 2 were over 18 so just had to get on with life. Her middle child was living with dad as this was what the court decided. Her younger child was not wanted by dad who had parented several other children by the time she was born by another mother. Youngest was in care whilst mother was dying and was about to be adopted and then suddenly a relative appeared and took her in. A relative the mother had nothing to do with most of her life. Whilst alive she was dealing with getting access to see the child who had been taken from her and was living with dad and parenting the younger child who’s same dad didn’t want to know. So just because the dad is around it doesn’t make it easier for everyone.

I found myself described as a single parent the other day. I am separated and co parent 50:50 with my ex.
I was not offended for myself but did correct the person - i am NOT doing this on my own and to compare me with someone who never has a day off does a disservice to genuine single parents.
(In fact, since we separated, he does fat more than he did when we were together - WIN!)

I opened this thread as a lone parent and admit to only skimming it because it now several pages long.
I became a lone parent very suddenly four years ago when DH died.I have no family support within 200 miles. I was discussing this only today with colleagues because until this happened I really had no idea what bwing a single parent was really like like until it happened to me. To put it in context we have come through it to an okay place but I was discussing how oDD's life is very different to the one she would be living if her father was alive and whilst I do my best the following has been inevitable;

• financially we are much worse off. Our household income has halved and I cannot change that. I earn an okay salary but we had just got to a place to start splurging a bit. Now it is more about getting through each month.

-my r relationship is far too intense at times, it is just the two of us. Also DH has achever sainthood and the fact he was the better parent has at times been thrown back at me! -I am totally responsible for everything, financial, practical and emotional whilst working full time plus hours. So house, garden, meals, shopping, lifts etc.This is never enough. -I have absoulutley no respite from this, maybe an occasional sleep over but they are as likely to be at our house as they are to friends and often last minute

• the biggest thing I missed when DH died was that there is no longer someone else in this world who is invested in DD as much as I am. So when lovely things happen there is not the shared laughter or pride. The routines and bustle in our house totally changed. Everyone thinks christmas and birthdays etc are the big deal but it is actually having your every day changed with nothing you can do about it thay flaws you.

Sorry loads of typos!

I'm always surprised by how young OP's kids are when OP say they're a single parent. Barring death of a partner, how can you find yourself as a single parent so soon after a child's birth? Did you not know the father of the child very well when getting pregnant? Did you just fancy a baby and not think seriously about the lifelong commitment it entails?

I guess everyone’s situation is different and can’t really be compared. Not all single parents have the same experience as with married or living together parents. Some people love being the single parent and some resent it. Some get support and others don’t. Some people living with partners find it difficult and isolating. People become single parents for many reasons. What I find interesting is that I have several sets of friends who see my life in different ways. Some think I’ve got it easy because dad pays a bit and takes them over night. Others see the struggle I babe making ends meet and not being able to do anything for myself as the overnights can be suddenly cancelled and plans rearranged. Some people think my ex is a complete idiot who treats me like dirt and others think he’s wonderful as he hasn’t abandoned his kids. I get sad when single parents turn against each other to compete for being worse off. I even got a letter off tax credits asking ‘are you still single? Please use our checklist to make sure!’ The day that came I was feeling great but that letter could have tipped me over. According to hmrc I am single. According to the court I am single. According the the electoral register I am single as no other adult lives in my house. According to my bank account I am single. Let’s not get bogged down with technicalities of being single. And as I said further up the thread I acknowledge that there are many circumstances where married couples are truly living apart for long periods and can feel single. Parenting is hard.

@NoImNotSpecial

@NoImNotSpecial. My friend has been with her partner for several years. They planned their child but when she became pregnant he became aggressive and she eventually left him before their baby was born. She hadn’t chosen to be a single parent or only had a one night stand. Life can throw alsorts at people. Try not to judge.

It's not a competition though and as someone said earlier, it's what is normal for you. I was a single mum until DS12 was 6 and even though I'm now with someone, plus I always had help from the ex and my parents (very fortunate), I'm still the main carer for my son. Yes, we live with my partner but I still do the mum bit on my own. Someone posted last week about an argument with DH and taking it in turns to have lie ins at the weekend and while i didnt post, i thought "pffft, try being g a single parent and never getting a lie in" but then I thought "yes, but it's not OP's fault that I was a single mum and didnt get lie ins, that is her normal and it's an issue for her". It might sting to read these things because of your own personal situation, but these are genuine issues for people.

@NoImNotSpecial, my husband dumped me at 8 months pregnant. The pregnancy was planned, but wasn't enjoyable due to his behaviour and yes, there were issues which effectively led to a big row and him leaving me. Lots of things came to light afterwards but it was only several years later when he had grown up a bit and took responsibility that I got some answers. It was traumatic losing my marriage and becoming a single parent, not to mention a first time parent. I was 26. We get on great now and he's a great dad but theres no way i could've foreseen that at the time. You're incredibly judgemental.

Barring death of a partner, how can you find yourself as a single parent so soon after a child's birth? Did you not know the father of the child very well when getting pregnant? Did you just fancy a baby and not think seriously about the lifelong commitment it entails?

Did you mean this to sound so fucking nasty and judgemental ?

@NoImNotSpecial do FOTTFSOF. Honestly. I was desperate for children when I married DH. So much so that it eclipsed everything else. I had no idea when I fell pregnant with DS1. And then I thought that somehow it would all be ok in the end. DS2 was 2 when I became so mentally unwell because of exH'a abuse that I had to leave. I NEVER envisaged life as a single parent, never. Somehow I blindly though him being a parent would be enough to make him behave like a decent human being. It wasn't. But now I can't put the kids back where they came from. An error or judgement? Definitely. Would I be without my boys? Never.