'I'm basically a single parent in the week'

[sittingonacornflake]

I'm a lone parent of a 15mo and I'm in quite a lot of different Facebook support groups for little ones such as gentle parenting, breastfeeding, travel groups, Food related ones all sorts.

Something I see quite a lot which drives me mad is people posting a query or asking for advice and add in the caveat 'I'm basically a single parent in the week'. Usually because their DH works long hours out of the house. The most recent example of this was someone saying that their DH was out of the house working Monday - Friday 7am -6pm so they were basically a single parent during the week.

I don't comment but AIBU to think this is just SO insensitive and couldn't be further from the truth.

You have a husband. Your child's father comes home every day. If your child is ill and you can't even have chance to make yourself a meal during the day it's ok because your husband will come home and can take over cuddling or whatever so you can get some food and a shower. If you're at the absolute end of your tether with exhaustion and just want 5 minutes to yourself you just have to wait for your husband to come home and you can do this!

Being on your own during the day with kids is exhausting and had work I'm not taking that away from anyone but it's simply nothing at all like being on your own ALL. THE. TIME.

Every single thing is on you - keeping the house clean, laundry done, food in their bellies, stimulating activities, love, everything. There is simply no comparison to someone doing this 24/7 and someone who parents on their own during the day 5 days a week.

I probably am BU. Now I'm typing this out. But a few nights of teething and hardly any sleep i just want to pull my hair out with tiredness and reading these posts just grinds my gears!

Rant over. Be gentle with me. I know I'm BU really. I've got it easier than most (despite that rant making it sound otherwise).

Having being a single parent of 3 boys for many years before meeting my husband and having another I can absolutely sympathise! My boys dad left when I was pregnant with ds3 and having my child with my husband has been a totally different experience, wether he’s at work or not!

But......they don’t know any different. Don’t let it get to you, just enjoy not washing skiddy pants and having clean smelling sheets xx

you are right. I have a single fiend with two very young children. She works and gets no support from her exh so has to pay all nursery fees. I don't know how she does it. How old are yours? Hope you are ok.

I was a single parent for a while until I met my DP and I don’t think it was any harder than when my exH was around tbh. He worked long hours during the week and when he was around he was pretty useless so I always felt alone hence the divorce.

If your child is ill and you can't even have chance to make yourself a meal during the day it's ok because your husband will come home and can take over cuddling or whatever so you can get some food and a shower. If you're at the absolute end of your tether with exhaustion and just want 5 minutes to yourself you just have to wait for your husband to come home and you can do this!

I hear what you're saying OP but this ^^ doesn't always happen.

Most people's lives when they have small children are difficult. No-one's difficulties trump.someone elses.
Can you speak to your HV to see if there is support you can access? The hardest thing I have found is accessing healthcare for myself, as it's just impossible to have time to see dentist/gp/smear etc.

YANBU. I'm a new mom (DD is 19 days old today) and my OH went back to work following his paternity leave on Friday.

Parenting is hard work and I've said at least 10 times over the past two and a half weeks that I have absolutely no idea how single parents manage at all. Becoming a mom has given me a whole new respect for all parents!

I'm with you OP. And even the women whose partners are useless with the kids still have the benefit of someone else to help with finances.

Yes! This bugs me soooo much! My husband works away Monday - Friday and is still never say that! I've seen the emotional and physical strain my single parent friends go through, I am in no way a single parent, even when not around, my husband and I are a team!

I have experienced both and I would say neither was worse than the other. It’s exhausting mentally being the only adult holding down all the responsibilities.
It’s also exhausting being the only adult holding down all responsibilities while your husband works all week then if probably exhausted at the weekend so no help at all, he makes more mess, laundry and general chores.
Not all marriages are equal! Not all jobs are equal and each situation is different X

@Thehop wow hats off to you. I don't know how you did it! This is what I mean when I say I don't have it that hard in reality - I've only got 1 (but I do find it hard!)

@Greyworm I just have 1 - 15 months.

@Corroboree Thank you but I'm ok really. Just. Need. Sleep. 

@HK2009 Wow 19 days - a proper new one congratulations! You're properly in the thick of it at the moment I bet!

I've been a single mum (for 7 years) and am now in a relationship. I found it so much easier as a single mum than I do in a partnership, and I find things so much more difficult now when my partner goes away for work. I guess one point is that maybe they are struggling too, it's not a competition over which is harder.
You get used to what's normal for you and then when things change it can be really difficult.
There are plenty of parents out there who wont come home and take over cuddles, or who dont get home until kids are in bed, who dont help out with housework or dinner or the mental load.

It is completely different of course it is as they are still a team no matter how the labour is divided up. Their husband's income is usually more than a single mother would have left over after childcare!

BUT in my decade + of being a single parent (now working, and now very happy) I've realised that the people who say this aren't very happy in their marriage and they may be verbalising their thoughts as they take stock. Deciding whether or not to stay in a marriage where you're doing all the giving is obviously a process.

So I wouldn't get too hung up on it. Just shrug, and laugh. ''Yeh apart from the husband in your bed putting money in your joint account, snappseez''

@DuchessOfBallybrack that made me laugh. I might do that!

Yanbu at all. Someone i know does this and it really pisses me off.

dh is never home before 10pm/often travelling/never took paternity leave etc so i know it can be hard esp the first few months when DC would cry 5-11pm constantly and i was alone at home.

HOWEVER

1. Dh's job might be crazy but it pays well so im not worrying about money on top of all that.
2. Even if he's not around dh does still exist so i didn't have to worry about finding a new partner who would take on DC/make a sibling with
3. I didnt have to worry about handing my child over for contact and having to spend a weekend away from them.
4. When he is there in bed we can have a nice hug and not feel lonely

Those things make a huge difference (particularly the ££) even when DH isnt there the knowledge he is around makes a huge difference.

But yes it is shit when you have to wait days to do your hair because you never have time for a cold shower/cant feed yourself properly etc

You are right OP.
But at least you are the only grown up you have to consider. I often find having another grown up in the house much harder than the kids.

I do understand why that can be grating for you but for some people it is true. Obviously not the case where the persons husband is helpful when he’s there but in my case I was very much a single parent, though married.

He was out of the house 5:30am until 7pm so wouldn’t lay eyes on the children during the week. Would come home and laze on the couch watching tv, rinse and repeat.

Weekends were spend “helping” his father with his father’s business. If he was home during the day he’d again laze about having “naps” and I’d have to demand and cajole until he’d clean something/watch the children. Honestly it’s been easier doing it “officially” on my own and without those awful feelings of regret and resentment.

But I know it’s hard OP

I was a single parent for 8 years to 3 dc. I'm re married with 2 more children. Dh works long hours and I'm a sahm. I basically do everything apart from "work" dh has never got up in the night to the kids, he cooks occasionally but I literally do everything. I actually think my life was easier and less complicated when I was a single mum tbh. At least then you haven't got to resent them for what they don't do. When your single you know it's on you. When you have a partner and they don't pull their weight at home it makes you angry and upset.

I found being a single parent easier in many ways. I don't think they mean any harm by it.

Those of you saying it's actually harder having a partner are missing the point of the OP's gripe. I presume people who are complaining that they are 'basically a single parent in the week' have partners who do contribute to the household in a positive way, otherwise they would be happy to not have them around.

OP, it pisses me off too. The buck stops with me.

Yes, the last two posters prove that when women feeeel this way, ie, start verbalising out loud that they're practically single parents, often (if they have any self-efficacy at all) they're on the first step to becoming single parents. So it's a symptom of that phase in your life when you're taking stock.

Nobody in a happy marriage who genuinely knows they're part of a team (ie, sparkles07 up thread) would say it even if their husband isn't there much of the week. As she said, she knows they are a team. The mothers who say this, they know they're not in a team. That 's why they say it.

What the space OP, woman who said that, she may well be single soon.

Well, two posts don't ''prove'' anything! ykwim!

Vulpine

My mum used to say the same,she was a single parent.

I kind of understand but it's not healthy to get annoyed by what other people say when it's just a figure of speech and it's not directed at you. Ignore it and keep nailing being a super hero single Mum as there are more important things to get irate about!

@DuchessOfBallybrack I hadn't thought of it that way.

YANBU OP.