'I'm basically a single parent in the week'

[sittingonacornflake]

I'm a lone parent of a 15mo and I'm in quite a lot of different Facebook support groups for little ones such as gentle parenting, breastfeeding, travel groups, Food related ones all sorts.

Something I see quite a lot which drives me mad is people posting a query or asking for advice and add in the caveat 'I'm basically a single parent in the week'. Usually because their DH works long hours out of the house. The most recent example of this was someone saying that their DH was out of the house working Monday - Friday 7am -6pm so they were basically a single parent during the week.

I don't comment but AIBU to think this is just SO insensitive and couldn't be further from the truth.

You have a husband. Your child's father comes home every day. If your child is ill and you can't even have chance to make yourself a meal during the day it's ok because your husband will come home and can take over cuddling or whatever so you can get some food and a shower. If you're at the absolute end of your tether with exhaustion and just want 5 minutes to yourself you just have to wait for your husband to come home and you can do this!

Being on your own during the day with kids is exhausting and had work I'm not taking that away from anyone but it's simply nothing at all like being on your own ALL. THE. TIME.

Every single thing is on you - keeping the house clean, laundry done, food in their bellies, stimulating activities, love, everything. There is simply no comparison to someone doing this 24/7 and someone who parents on their own during the day 5 days a week.

I probably am BU. Now I'm typing this out. But a few nights of teething and hardly any sleep i just want to pull my hair out with tiredness and reading these posts just grinds my gears!

Rant over. Be gentle with me. I know I'm BU really. I've got it easier than most (despite that rant making it sound otherwise).

I usually find that many people find it difficult to understand "hard" or other concepts without comparisons.
Maybe it's a teaching perspective.

Conversely, I think most people will understand that a broken leg isn't a disability, even if it's a temporary one. And that anyone who is in a relationship isn't quite the same as being a single parent.

Although my DC are grown up I was a lone parent from them being 4 and 5 and still live alone
The world isn’t set up for lone adults - it’s more expensive hence I am likely to have less savings, lower pension etc
I’m doing ok but had to prioritise DC over career so less likely to be a high earner etc
What people don’t get even now though is that sometimes you just need someone to share decision making or bounce ideas around with and it’s tiring doing everything
I work full time and am carer for elderly parents - do some voluntary work etc and still try and keep on top of DIY, garden, housework etc
My couple friends just don’t understand
Big hugs to all lone parents - you are doing an amazing job
I echo those commenting on useless DP or DH - that would be equally frustrating - hugs to you too

However I have another friend whose children go to their Dads every weekend so she gets 2/3 days and nights child free which is more than people in a relationship get

What do you think she'd rather?!

I think in the main you are right but sadly lots of women are married to men who don’t care for them well, don’t listen to their worries instead emotionally abuse them, don’t come home from work but go to the pub, don’t support them financially or their children but spend their money on gambling etc.

I have a 2 friends who honestly honestly who be far better off (by all measures) single.

But being a single mum is exceptionally hard. You’re awesome.

She is a single parent and is married to a deadweight. Worst of both worlds

This is the worst of both worlds because there is no freedom! Lonely but not alone. Resentful rather than accepting. curtailed by the marriage that suits somebody else, and without liberty or space to to adapt to the situation and grow and suit oneself.

It is of course the worst of both worlds.

It's interesting about the mental load as well. DH works long, inflexible hours and sometimes overnight and at those times I am a "single parent" in terms of physical presence. However, we are 100% a team - when he is home, we discuss everything to do with the kids, home, future together, etc.

My aunt, on the other hand, is raising my cousin on her own. No money issues and tonnes of help including full-time childcare. However - she really struggles without someone to discuss decisions with, it's not just that the buck stops with her, it's that the mental load is 100% on her all the time with no prospect of this ever changing (DCousin was adopted at birth so no father on the scene). She also finds discipline very hard as she can only ever be bad cop and when combined with managing adoption attachment issues etc it is exhausting. It made me realise how much more confident and secure I am in my parenting decisions because I know DH and I are a team, even if he isn't present. She reaches out to the wider family to discuss stuff but that comes with different kinds of emotional baggage, eg. I know she doesn't always like to hear parenting criticism aka "advice" from her bossy older sisters (my other aunts), or me having changed my nappies as a baby!!

You can't generalise. I would agree (hope) that life is easier if you are part of a couple rather than a single parent but I don't think that is the case for everyone at all. There are men that do nothing other than create more mess/work for the SAHM to do. It's true that they don't undertand your life (yet) but you don't understand their either. I have met plenty of single parents who said they found it easier once their DH left home. For some it is the first time they get a rest while their ex has the child (who he takes to his mother usually because can't do anything on his own).

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if it's already been suggested but get in touch with home start to get some support from a volunteer.

Agree 100%. It winds me up when women with a partner say this. Its so ignorant.

YANBU

Having a good partner/ father at the other end of the phone or coming home whenever is a huge emotional support.

Having a good partner/ father at the other end of the phone or coming home whenever is a huge emotional support.

But the comparisons with single parents are rarely done when people have a good partner or father.
That is the point. That they are in a relationship, but it's as if the other person is not there. Perhaps that's a better expression than being "like a single parent", but both distinguish between good and useless partners.

My husband has always travelled lots for work. He certainly wasn't able to come home in the day when I was ill or the babies were ill. They are both autistic but that wasn't diagnosed until much later. They certainly needed more of me when they were little (still do but I can have a shower now!) than most of my friend's babies. Having a shower or washing my hair could be a struggle. He was away many nights so I couldn't rely on help during a bad night. The house was always untidy.

Both my father and my father-in-law became unwell during these years so neither my mother nor my MIL were in any position to offer any help even though they were both retired.

A lot of it was extremely hard work physically and very tiring. BUT he was away 'supporting his family'. I had emotional support, love and care and enough money.

Yanbu

I am single 8 months pregnant, trapped nerve so I'm on crutches, working full time still to get money to pay for nursery, bills food etc. I am trying to manage household chores, get ready for next baby, look after my toddler and survive.

No one to fall back on financially
No one to give me a break
No one to speak to re when child is ill or need to make important decision for child
No one to take over Ever ( with or without nagging)
No one to sort out remortgage, changing to cheaper supplier, getting cheaper phone line etc
Car battery when flat last week so googled how to recharge, ordered it and while on crutches googled videos to check how to attach to battery so I didn't electrocute myself.

Feeling like a single parent is not being a single parent.

I love my child and soon to be baby and wouldn't change anything but it is tough and when people think they know what it's like I'm
Not sure they do.

Saying that everything is relevant if it helps them thinking that so be it, it doesn't change my life xx

I also found being a single parent easier to be honest. I did everything anyway. If I was ill and asked for help I had to expend so much energy explaining why he needed too help, with him still expecting me to oversee and micro manage everything that it was more stressful than just handling it myself. Plus the fights and the tension left when he did, meaning our home environment immediately became more peaceful.

I get what you're saying, and if you are a single parent truly on their own day and night, working as well, it can't get any harder than that.
However, I know a number of single parents who share care 50/50 with their ex and that looks decidedly easier than parenting full time.
My sister for example has a Wednesday evening, a Friday evening and all day Sunday and Sunday night free. Plus her ex will take their daughter for whole weekends so she can go away with her new partner. Meanwhile, my husband and I, who have three young kids, both work full time, commute and have numerous after school activities to co-ordinate, haven't had a night away together in three years.
I think what I'm saying is that yes, we have that end of the day, someone to share the load with feeling, but in my experience less opportunity for a total break regularly. Obviously only true if the ex- partner is an involved parent though! But parenting is always hard and we always compare to those who seem to be better off/have more help. For me, it's people who have cleaners/nannies/!

It's just a turn of phrase. I'm a single parent to 6 dc. I've been on my own for years with them, I do everything at home and I work, but I can also recognise that people struggle whether they are in relationships, single, working, not working, have family support or have none, this parenting lark isn't easy at all, we all have our own struggles, turning it into a competition doesn't do anyone any favours at all.

Getting wound up over a turn of phrase that isn't even aimed at you isn't going to enhance your life at all and it gave someone struggling a chance to vent so just shrug and move on.

Hmm that is a good point about single parents who have an involved other parent. One of my friends is a single mum but the dad has the LO for 4 nights every other week plus other days and weekends very often so she gets a lot of completely child-free time to do as she pleases. I have another friend with absolutely no support, dad completely out of the picture. I wouldn’t say they were both single parents in the same sense.

*Feeling like a single parent is not being a single parent.

Saying that everything is relevant if it helps them thinking that so be it, it doesn't change my life xx*

You have it particularly hard. But a single parent with an actively involved ex cannot and does not know how hard you life is, any more than someone married can.

In your situation I’d be as equally pissed off with a “lone parent” with 50:50 shared care plus family support trying to say their life is as hard as yours is because you are both “single parents”

The same sort of people that say they know how I feel being widowed because they are divorced. Someone actually said to me that at least I don't have to deal with an ex. I would rather he be alive and have fucked off with another woman than be dead. People just don't think.

I don’t think you are BU.

My dh often works away, so I’m parenting on my own but I still have him on the end of the phone, if something awful happened (hospital admission/family bereavement etc) he’d come home, financially we’ve still got his wage (I sah but you know what I mean). Apart from what we eat, watch on tv & having the bed to myself we’ll not really dc3 usually decides she wants his side not an awful lot changes when he’s away.

I'm a single parent of a toddler who studies full time and works part time nights with no contact or support from my ex (or my family) so I understand your feelings!

However, since being on mumsnet I'm quite shocked by the posts from mums with partners, but they do actually sound like single parents. They seem to be taking decisions, about schools ect, on their own, and need mumsnet for support. I would like to think if I had a partner I wouldn't need the wider support of mumnet very much, but I see mums who are taking primary responsibility for their babies, households, working part time, and also for their husbands! At least being single, I don't, for example, worry about evening meals, I let housework go, and I can go to bed with my toddler, rather than worry about keeping a marriage alive. I think the biggest advantage of a partner is financial support.

So yes, I think being a single parent without much support is a uniquely difficult situation - but I think women with partners also often do not have the support they should.

This is why I've become such a feminist since having a child :p

Who has it harder?

(1) A single parent whose ex contributes financially and has the DC 2 to 3 nights a week.

(2) An army wife and DM whose DH is away and not contactable for months at a time?

(3) A SAHM whose DH works 8-11pm every day, most weekends and is frequently abroad for work.

Not denigrating the achievements of single parents, just saying it is not black and white.

I can see how that's frustrating to hear OP. I barely see my DH during the week but I think it makes me appreciate it when he is around.

Although, I'll be honest I do have moments when I get frustrated by his absence but I'm guessing that's fairly normal. All part of juggling family life.

I usually find that many people find it difficult to understand "hard" or other concepts without comparisons

That's a very good point.

Silvia

I've been (and am!) 1 (although my ex doesn't have her 2/3 nights a week) and I've been similar to 3.

1 was undoubtedly harder financially, emotionally, physically.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners

the insensitivity of people absolutely astounds me.

I had a "friend" who told me she knew how I felt when I was told the m/c I had suffered had caused damage that meant another baby was very unlikely to happen because she wasn't sure she wanted another one