'I'm basically a single parent in the week'

[sittingonacornflake]

I'm a lone parent of a 15mo and I'm in quite a lot of different Facebook support groups for little ones such as gentle parenting, breastfeeding, travel groups, Food related ones all sorts.

Something I see quite a lot which drives me mad is people posting a query or asking for advice and add in the caveat 'I'm basically a single parent in the week'. Usually because their DH works long hours out of the house. The most recent example of this was someone saying that their DH was out of the house working Monday - Friday 7am -6pm so they were basically a single parent during the week.

I don't comment but AIBU to think this is just SO insensitive and couldn't be further from the truth.

You have a husband. Your child's father comes home every day. If your child is ill and you can't even have chance to make yourself a meal during the day it's ok because your husband will come home and can take over cuddling or whatever so you can get some food and a shower. If you're at the absolute end of your tether with exhaustion and just want 5 minutes to yourself you just have to wait for your husband to come home and you can do this!

Being on your own during the day with kids is exhausting and had work I'm not taking that away from anyone but it's simply nothing at all like being on your own ALL. THE. TIME.

Every single thing is on you - keeping the house clean, laundry done, food in their bellies, stimulating activities, love, everything. There is simply no comparison to someone doing this 24/7 and someone who parents on their own during the day 5 days a week.

I probably am BU. Now I'm typing this out. But a few nights of teething and hardly any sleep i just want to pull my hair out with tiredness and reading these posts just grinds my gears!

Rant over. Be gentle with me. I know I'm BU really. I've got it easier than most (despite that rant making it sound otherwise).

Parenting isn't a competition. Its a phrase, will annoy some people. Lone parents dont have the monopoly on parental hardships. I'd rather be a lone parent than have an abusive partner.

@Jacqueshammer

Mum in this case holidays for a week or two on her own. She is quite happy with the freedom. The maintenance is very generous she has never considered working more than 16hrs which i assume was for tax credits. I’m not saying this judgementally, but factually. I can appreciate that set up isn’t ideal for everyone. Like anything there’s so many variations.

Hats off to those that really are on their own and supporting their family themselves. You’re all hero’s

Single parent here OP and YANBU.

I totally understand how some women who are not single parents do feel alone (I was in that situation previously) but it isn't the same. I find the day to day much easier generally without someone getting under my feet and being a PITA.

But,

When its 10pm and you can't just pop to the shop.
When you've only one income.
When you can't have a rare night away as you have no one to help.
When your kids need new shoes, new uniform, new anything and it's you that needs to find the money as you don't get any help.
When it's the weekend and your watching everyone enjoying family time.
No chance of a holiday abroad as one adult and one child is so expensive.

Just a few examples!

That's when I feel it

Yes, my life is good now, but that is because I'm financially independent and my children are teens, I have a job I like, a boyfriend I like. I have nothing in common with a woman struggling on her own (husband or not) with young children.

Being brave enough to take the step and become a single parent is indicative of the character that will lead to a fulfilling life though (whatever that means for you). Being a single parent struggling with very young children is never more than a phase. Even though it is very tough AT THE TIME

ANYbody looking down on single parents thinking ''at LEAST that's not my life'' forgets that it gets better when the children get older and if you're on your own, every decision that you make can be with your own future in mind. If you're trapped in a marriage that's structure to suit another person then everything will just get more and more frustrating.

@PompeyBez yes yes yes. Exactly this actually!!

My day to day is SO much easier without my useless dickhead of an ex around but all those things you mention - ahh! So true.

I haven’t read every response but it always makes me laugh when people say oh I’m a single parent because my husband works long hours during the week too. He is out working presumably to support his family and bringing in income which is of course part of being a parent.
I’m a single parent and I mostly love it, I don’t think it’s harder or easier than being in a two parent family, just different in different ways.

YANBU. DH went away for one night and I was on my own with DS. I barley had time to eat, the house was a tip and I couldn't sleep.
Honestly, I have so much respect for single moms, I don't know how you do it. Also the financial side of things, I can't imagine how hard it is with all the pressure on you.
for being amazing.

The way I see it is that:

It's easier being a single mum than having an uninvolved husband (unless he earns so much that you have no money worries whatsoever). But if you have a good, caring, useful husband walking through the door at 7pm who will willingly do bedtimes or cook or tidy toys and be supportive to you then you are infinitely better off than 'I'm basically a single mum during the week'.

There is a huge difference between knowing that although he's out at work that you have support versus knowing that it will only ever be you dealing with every wake up, every bill, every tantrum, all the housework, all the cooking and (the thing I find hardest) every single decision relating to your children and your household.

derelict yy, single parent and married to a deadweight is common. I always have to bite my tongue and not accidentally tell them to LTB.

YANBU. When my two were much younger, DH (a teacher) went away on a week's residential. I remember at the time saying to a friend who was, at that time a single parent, "I do not know how you do this, day in, day out".

Now that they are older (8 and 10) I work away a lot and DH handles everything; it is a LOT easier once they can do stuff for themselves: dress themselves, toilet themselves, announce they are going to vomit before they do so the laundry isn't so hectic when they're ill, get themselves snacks/drinks, put their own laundry away (under duress) etc etc. Hang in there OP, you're doing an amazing job, and no, I don't know how you do it on your own.

I've been a single parent for many years and I don't see the issue.

For most people complaining about their OH's long hours, when they get home the children are already in bed, so no taking over for cuddles or doing bed time. Those same men tend to be the ones who simply can't wake up in the night because they work hard and need their sleep. Same for house work.

And the key word is "during the week". Nobody is saying that it's the same as being a single parent all the time.

But in many cases, those absent weekday fathers offer little support during the weekend anyway.

TBH, I prefer having all the work and sleepless nights because I'm on my own, than sharing a home with someone else and still having to do all the work and sleepless nights.

I suppose it is indeed harder if there is no support network, but having to take days off work because there's nobody else still feels less grating than still having to take days off work because "he can't possibly".

@canileavenow the phrase worst of both worlds means you have the worser elements of each thing not that it’s the worst thing in the world

Exactly. Canileavenow I was not saying single parenting was the worst thing, and you know I wasn't.

I was saying she had the hardest parts of each situation, the worst of each world. That is not the same as saying each world/situation was the worst.

The money side is a huge thing and things I cannot do, not stuff I have to pay for someone to be my husband basically.

The worry is the main thing, knowing there’s no plan B, this won’t get better if anything it’ll get worse once the kids leave home because you’ll have no support at all

megletthesecond yy, single parent and married to a deadweight is common. I always have to bite my tongue and not accidentally tell them to LTB.

I don't bite my tongue, she knows how I feel but it scared of 'breaking her family'. The world is conditioned to make her feel that staying in this marraige is better than going it alone, and she isn't ready to get past that yet. It's heartbreaking watching her mental health take a nose dive though. The stress has sent an otherwise managable condition into overdrive and is really effecting her life.

I think people just say it without thinking. Try not to let it annoy you.

I'm married. My husband works 180 miles away and is home at weekends. Lots of people have said to me that I'm 'basically a single parent'. I think they're trying to tell me I'm doing well in a funny kind of way.

I know I'm not though. He earns well and is a very good provider. That makes the being on my own a little easier. I can pay babysitters if I want to go to the gym (for example). He can be on the phone when the boiler isn't working- someone to talk to and help you formulate a plan is invaluable and taken for granted in relationships.

We've discussed separating this weekend. I'm shit scared. So at the moment, for now, I am not basically a single parent.

Try not to get annoyed. People struggle to see past their own small view of the world.

I completely empathise with what you're saying. But I do feel in certain situations it is like being a single parent. My OH is in the forces, has recently just got back from a 7 month tour away.
He isn't based local and we don't see him until weekends / he often works weekends too.

So although I understand what you're saying. Depending on a husbands job sometimes it 'can' feel like you're alone.

IMost people's lives when they have small children are difficult. No-one's difficulties trump.someone

You cannot define it as lone parents vs. Couples.

There too many shades of grey.

Some women might be in a relationship but have an alcoholic/uninterested/cocklodging partner so they actually have more work and responsibility.

Some “lone” parents are on excellent terms with the involved ex partner so get financial and emotional support, plus weekends/holidays off.

Sometimes it’s easier to be the lone adult making decisions and not have a second adult to consider.

I have known lone parents actively exclude ex partners from decisions and child responsibility as it was just easier to decide rather than phone calls/emails, disagreements over the best course of action etc. I have known lone parents that prefer it as their ex is a reliable dad so they can go on girls holidays, have weekends off, take up cycling and other stuff they couldn’t do when married.

So unless you know all the intimate details of someones life, you can’t say whether someone has it easier. My mum was a lone parent with absolutely no contributions from my father, financial or otherwise. She was never interested in a new relationship as she preferred being by herself- control freak i think and other people just interfered!!!

But when does a parent get to complain about how hard it is?

What if they have an ex who pays good maintenance and is involved with their child, perhaps shared custody or EOW etc? Does that mean they no longer count as "single parents" despite not being in a relationship?

Or what about if they have supportive grandparents or other extended family who do childcare or provide help and support day to day? Does that mean they can no longer complain about being a single parent?

The reality is that any parent, regardless of their relationship status is going to struggle if they have little or no support with their children. I don't actually think that a single parent automatically has it harder than one in a relationship - there are too many variables. Number of children, disabilites, working hours, support network, finances etc.

I think any parent who is struggling has the right to say they are struggling.

. If your child is ill and you can't even have chance to make yourself a meal during the day it's ok because your husband will come home and can take over cuddling or whatever so you can get some food and a shower. If you're at the absolute end of your tether with exhaustion and just want 5 minutes to yourself you just have to wait for your husband to come home and you can do this!

Yeah thats great but not every husband does that do they? I do 100% of child care I'm lucky if I get a lie in on mothers day, but I also have a man child to pick up after as well as the kids 🤣 !

My friend is a single mum and gets more breaks than I ever have shes out every other weekend on the piss! So don't take offence to it everyones situation is completely different 1 single mum could have no help what so ever were as another could have her mum or sibling baby sitting every weekend, 1 mother in a relationship could have 50/50 with DH when it comes to childcare whilst another may do absolutely everything....

I often find having another grown up in the house much harder than the kids

Oh so true! My OH would sometimes go off for the week with school outdoor pursuits groups, it was bliss, not having to take another adult into consideration, doing what I wanted when I wanted.
Not at all the same as being a single parent I know, I didn't have to worry about finances for example, but still I recall those times fondly.

I think any parent who is struggling has the right to say they are struggling

Absolutely. But how hard is “my husband is working long hours and I’m struggling” rather than “I’m basically a single parent”.

YANBU. DH worked away Monday-Friday when Dc were small. That meant that I did have SOME of the issues single parents have like never being able to go out, nobody to help with night wakings, nobody to pick up slack if you were will or running late from work. BUT it just made me realise how tough being a single parent must be, as I found it hard even with respite at the weekend, the financial security of two incomes and a partner to talk things through, albeit mostly on the other end of the phone

I think it's just grating on me that I can't see any need for the comparison to be drawn. You know, you don't break your leg and say you're basically disabled for a few months because it's not the same. Your leg will heal. That's extreme and I'm tired so can't think of another comparison. But there's just no need. Just say you've broken your leg and it's hard! You don't need to says it's basically something it isn't. We all know a broken leg is hard - you get no more or less sympathy trying to say it's something it isn't!

I have said this before because it's how I felt at the time. My DH works away and the daily grind is down to me, and sometimes you have a shit day a need to get it off your chest. We are a team and happily married, so don't make those assumptions about people.

Everyone’s circumstances are different. Some people call themselves single parents when their DC actually spend 50% of the week living with their dads!

A single parent (no dad on the scene at all) must be horrendously difficult. One of my friends does it and finds it difficult to even go out for a run as she has her DS with her all the time. However I have another friend whose children go to their Dads every weekend so she gets 2/3 days and nights child free which is more than people in a relationship get!