'I'm basically a single parent in the week'

[sittingonacornflake]

I'm a lone parent of a 15mo and I'm in quite a lot of different Facebook support groups for little ones such as gentle parenting, breastfeeding, travel groups, Food related ones all sorts.

Something I see quite a lot which drives me mad is people posting a query or asking for advice and add in the caveat 'I'm basically a single parent in the week'. Usually because their DH works long hours out of the house. The most recent example of this was someone saying that their DH was out of the house working Monday - Friday 7am -6pm so they were basically a single parent during the week.

I don't comment but AIBU to think this is just SO insensitive and couldn't be further from the truth.

You have a husband. Your child's father comes home every day. If your child is ill and you can't even have chance to make yourself a meal during the day it's ok because your husband will come home and can take over cuddling or whatever so you can get some food and a shower. If you're at the absolute end of your tether with exhaustion and just want 5 minutes to yourself you just have to wait for your husband to come home and you can do this!

Being on your own during the day with kids is exhausting and had work I'm not taking that away from anyone but it's simply nothing at all like being on your own ALL. THE. TIME.

Every single thing is on you - keeping the house clean, laundry done, food in their bellies, stimulating activities, love, everything. There is simply no comparison to someone doing this 24/7 and someone who parents on their own during the day 5 days a week.

I probably am BU. Now I'm typing this out. But a few nights of teething and hardly any sleep i just want to pull my hair out with tiredness and reading these posts just grinds my gears!

Rant over. Be gentle with me. I know I'm BU really. I've got it easier than most (despite that rant making it sound otherwise).

Considering there is disagreement on who actually qualifies as a single parent

It’s only ok MN that I have ever seen such disagreement!

Yabu and judgey and jealous.
Get on with your own life and stop worrying about others.

I find threads like this quite irritating as the implication is that single parents always have it harder to the point where someone who isn't a single parent shouldn't even dare make any comparison to these mythical beings as it's so incredibly insulting to actual single parents.

As JacquesHammer said why the need for comparison though? I think the problem is the 'label' rather than what it stands for so to speak. Single parent tends to conjure up beliefs and ideas that aren't true of all single parents, the same as being a married parent does. Doesn't mean either is correct. However when the stigma stops towards those that are single parents, maybe single parents can get the respect they deserve just for being an engaged and good parent, and support given instead of pointed fingers.
Being an engaged parent is bloody hard work, why on earth are we now separating degrees of singleness to find the most and least worthy of respect and understanding? Anyone engaging and doing their best for their children should be respected and supported and those shirking the responsibility the ones held to account.

LadyDamon

What is the OP jealous of?!

My point is - why compare it? There is literally no need and parenting alone whilst your DH works long hours to provide an income for the family really, really isn't the same thing as doing the whole thing on your own, for so many reasons. It's hard I'm sure, but it's not remotely the same
If the extent of the other parent's contribution was merely financial then the parenting experience might be very similar to a single parent that was independently wealthy and didn't have to work.

@JacquesHammer I was wondering this too! I hope I'm enlightened soon

HRTT but I found over the years when I was married people assumed you had lots of help from your spouse. I had none -- he avoided being at home as much as possible and put us heavily in debt. I have a better life and more money now than when he was here.
On the other hand I have known a lot of single parents who had child free weekends and lots of help from family/friends. I have never had any of that regardless of relationship status.

You cannot compare people unless you know them well, although admittedly some people don't know how lucky they are.

I hear you OP. Being a single parent is tough. I'm not in that category any more but it was not easy.

These days, if I sometimes say I feel like a single parent in the week its because my DP often works away from Monday morning to Friday afternoon . I do know though that its not every week and also that I get that break at the weekend. I also have the security of 2 s alaries coming in.

I don't think people mean to be insensitive when they say it - they just genuinely dont appreciate the reality

I've learned to roll my eyes at these people and carry on...

They should be saying that they feel the way that they assume single parents do, as they clearly don't understand what being a single parent actually entails.

I think people make comparisons because:

1. Sometimes it's the easiest way to explain what an experience felt like even if not completely accurate. Using the disability analogy, a lot of people who suffer from time limited conditions that have symptoms that are similar to a disability may well say that they "felt like they had X or Y". Of course the reality of living with a lifelong disability could be different in so many ways, but that may be the closest they are going to get to having the disability and they would have got some insight into what it's like.

1. People like to show empathy and look for shared experience to show they understand someone else's issues. I think this sometimes leads to clumsy comparisons as people try to relate their limited experience with another person's.

1. They may actually be making a very fair comparison and they do in effect act as a single parent even if their particular circumstances don't meet the technical definition. Abusive relationships, uninvolved partners, sick partners or simply non-contributing partners can create a situation where one parent can easily be carrying the whole of the parenting burden despite technically having a partner around.

1. Because there is some disagreement about what a single parent actually is, some people might be drawing a comparison to a version of single parenting that you don't agree meets the definition of a single parent. It will therefore seem completely inaccurate and insensitive to you but might actually be quite accurate when using the other person's references.

Shallowhals I feel like you do, my husband is the same, he makes me feel like he's doing me a favour if he has our child, and I often think it would be easier just being a full time single parent as it would be my rules, and I wouldn't have another adult to cook for and clean up after. I also wouldn't get woken up in the night when he came in at stupid o'clock then snores all night cos he's been out on the piss then has a lie in, then lazes on the couch watching TV til he feels like getting up.

I know it must be hard being a single parent 24/7 but not all people who say they feel like a single parent / might as well be one are exaggerating.

Because there is some disagreement about what a single parent actually is, some people might be drawing a comparison to a version of single parenting that you don't agree meets the definition of a single parent. It will therefore seem completely inaccurate and insensitive to you but might actually be quite accurate when using the other person's references

I always tend to go by the pretty much accepted definition of “single parent”. Bringing up a child without spouse/partner.

Which is of course different from a “lone parent”.

@Bumpitybumper very tactfully and thoughtfully explained. Thank you.

find threads like this quite irritating as the implication is that single parents always have it harder to the point where someone who isn't a single parent shouldn't even dare make any comparison to these mythical beings as it's so incredibly insulting to actual single parents.

I don't think that was at all implied in the post. OP wasn't saying that people can't complain unless they're a single parent. Life can be difficult for all kinds of reasons. However complain about your actual situation if you want to but don't pretend it's similar to being a single parent when it isn't.

I agree wholeheartedly OP. Its insulting.

I am a lp. I do everything alone. Any worries/upset/troubles are mine and all of the financial burdens are mine.

Equally, all the good stuff is also mine, which doesn't sound bad, but it can be awfully lonely when you want to share something funny/cute/amazing about your DC and there isn't anybody to do that with.

I knew someone once who gleefully told me she felt like a single parent but with a married couples bank account. Wtf?!

YABU because you are whinging.

Who cares really? People are people. Some have tough lives, some don't. Some have a loving support system and some do not. Some single parents have chosen to be single, some are forced by circumstances. Some people earn well and some people don't.

There isn't a "one cap fits all" for living. I expect they are clumsily trying to be sympathetic or are saying that their lives are not as they want it to be.

If you have it tough then that's a shame and I hope it gets better for you at some point, but that doesn't mean other people don't have it tough too.

No way are you unreasonable. I have a 7 month old and s husband who works long hours and travels abroad, in no way do I feel like a single parent. For instance I got sick when DH was away and DD was 8 weeks - I could hardly get up to breastfeed her and I was able to ask him to get on a flight home asap.

my mum was a single parent to me and my sister (12 years younger!) So basically she did it by herself, twice. I frequently get upset thinking how hard it must have been for her. The small things like all your married friends going quiet at the weekend (one actually said to my mum that she couldn't call at weekends as it's
'family time') and sending pictures of your baby throughout the day. To obviously the bigger things like finances, making decisions for your childs future etc. It's totally different and people should appreciate that. I think single parents are superheros. And obviously their are some benefits of being a single parent too, but when times are tough it's a totally different situation.

I have heard the line “I’m basically a single parent” from a mum at private school, she worked 2 days a week, had a full time nanny and didn’t have to worry at all about expenses. She was complaining about her parents supporting her sister whose husband had left her with the sole care of the children and an amazing amount of debt.

I so enjoyed clarifying why she was NOT a single parent but a simple wimp with a workaholic husband. I wish keeping the kids constantly busy and entertained was the worst of my worries.

I agree, I’m a single mum and many of my friends have husbands who work away or work long hours and say they understand how I feel but they don’t realise how lucky they are: an extra income, help when their husband is home, someone to share life with etc it is a hurtful comparison

I've been both and yes I did feel like a single parent during the week. I was on my own from wake ups to around 6pm. Often my then dh would come home grumpy and tired and didn't have much interest in doing anything with the dc when he got home.

I looked after them when they were ill, dh certainly wouldn't have taken time off work. I even had to look after them when I had recurring strep throat.

I got them up, made sure they were fed as well as cooking dh an evening meal, I did all the housework and shopping for food, clothes and toiletries. I did all the play groups, the school runs, the after school clubs such as swimming lessons and brownies. I did it all and I got to a point where I just couldn't do it all anymore.

I find it far easier now being a single parent after divorcing my ex dh. I now don't have to endure a grumpy man walking in the door each evening and if I just want to give the kids pasta for tea and eat a bag of crisps myself then I can. I don't have a man to pick up after either. I get more "me" time now too because he has to step up and have the kids instead of me doing it all.

Everyone's circumstances are different but mine is I find it way easier and less stressful being a single parent then when I was married.

I see it from both points of view. For a few years my OH worked from before they woke up till after they went to bed. Usually 6 days a week. Fair enough the kids and I had him for a day a week but apart from that 🤷‍♀️ of course he was bringing money in but it was dreadfully lonely.

I did find it easier to take care of DS after exH moved out, no more nagging, no grown up child to care about.

But for the finances, before we could relax knowing that we had plenty of money coming in at the end of the month. After the split it was knowing that with the meagre income of that job of mine that enabled him to profess his career, DS and I had hardly enough to keep a roof over our heads. That’s were the difference between a single parent and a wife of a workaholic/traveling business man was clear.

I always come back to the same conclusion about this. Being a parent is incredibly tough. The thing that helps is support. The more support you have the easier it is. The assumption is that in a partnership you have a great big dollop of support that is financial, emotional and physical and if you are single you have no financial, emotional or physical support. The reality is it varies a lot.

I do think that a lot of the 'like a single mum' comments are overly focussed on the physical stuff though which is insensitive and for that I think you are not at all unreasonable to feel its not the same.

I hope things get easier for you and you can build up a good support network.

From randomers who don't know the ins and outs of my life I just let it go. For friends who know what I've been through and what a lot I have on my plate day to day, I do find it thoughtless of them to complain when their partners are away so they can't do x, y or z, knowing that if I want to do x, y or z (and some of these are actually with them) then I have to get sitters. Every Single Time.

I'm not a single parent but I 100% agree with you OP. I take my hat off to all single parents, I honestly don't know how you do it.