To think leaving a 12 year old alone each day from 3-7pm is too much?

[embarrassedbymyhouse]

I'm trying to find a new job.

One involves a 50 mile commute by car. It pays quite well, and annoyingly my work is quite niche so it's hard for me to find local jobs.

DS is 12 and an only child, I'm a single parent.

I wouldn't be home until 6.30-7pm each night and I think it's too long for him but he doesn't want a childminder.

AIBU to think this is too long and we need an au pair or god only knows what else?

You know your DS best and how he will handle it. Once you're in the job there may well be some flexibility re working from home or slightly less hours (as you say it is a significant salary increase). In your situation I would go for it, considering my DD is sensible and would love the independence / extra screen time.

Good grief DS dislikes it when I am home after school He prefers to come back and spend some time alone. He has been coming back to an empty house since year 7. I have repeated asked him if he would prefer to go somewhere else and he is adamant he doesn't. His home is his sanctuary and he doesn't tend to get lonely as far as I can see.

He was spending 4 -5 days a week at home alone from 3.15pm to around 6pm, and was fine with it .

Nowdays it is only 3 days a week as I only work 4 days, one of them from home but sometimes on my day off I am not home when he gets in anyway as I am out doing things etc, so he still only consistently has someone at home when he arrives on one day a week. He is often disappointed to arrive home and realise it is my day working from home as I use his PS4 screen for work and he can't have it until about 4.30pm/5.00pm when I finish!!

If this will double your household income, and you have a spare room - an AP would be perfect.

I should think that most 12 year olds actually need the time alone to learn how to be independent.

DH works from home but is working, often has telephone conferences or is otherwise not to be disturbed sot DD is normally left totally alone unless there is a huge emergency. She comes in, makes herself a sandwich or cereals, she then gets her books out and does homework. When that's done she is free to do what she likes. The only thing she is not allowed yet is the hob and microwave.

One day she also has to make sure she gets her drama club items ready and has to leave the house again to catch her bus on time.

At least once a week is comes home to an empty house and every 6-8 weeks she is on her own as DH is working away for a week. She actually prefers being on her own.

I come home shortly after 6pm but I don't cook dinner until 6.30pm.

One of her friends had to go to the childminder after Y7 started (the one her younger brother goes to) but very fast was staying at home as it was too noisy to do her homework.

Our school has several clubs after school and the library is open until 4.30pm with homework help available, so some of DD's friends use this instead. Another school just moved to full days, school grounds are open until 5.30pm. That is a good option as well but I would worry that DD wouldn't really do her homework but chats the day away.

I was left for the same amount of time when I was his age. I don't see a problem.

Honestly it's not a great idea. I'm pretty laid back and the dc have been left for 4 hours in the evening if we have an event to go to. However I've found they really need me (or someone they know and trust) around after school. Secondary can be tough and they regularly need advice or a sounding board and have come home in tears needing a hug. Practically what you are suggesting is probably fine but emotionally they need people around more in their teens IMO.

I would have no problem doing this with my twelve year old. Depends very much on the child, you know your son op, better than any of us.

Not ideal, but if you need to work, you need to work

Titsywoo - I found that it is easier to talk to DD about the day after she had some time alone processing it.

I would worry that a teen would need immediate support nearly every day. I do understand the odd day but not working or being alone in the afternoon for the odd day something went wrong is a strange concept in my opinion.

DD knows she can (and does) call us all the time. She texted DH during a meeting that the school was evacuated and hazmat team on the premises and he called her back as soon as he was able to slip out. Knowing that you can contact someone is in my view more important than having a parent on physical standby each day.

Velvet spoons - you talk about your sons - for me there is a big difference between a single child on their own and a couple of children together.

Depends on the child, but if they're OK with it, then really at 12 they should be fine.

And in the holidays too?

No, holidays can be sorted. I wouldn't expect to leave a child much below 15 for 12 hours a day!

Out of interest what will your DS do in the holidays? I have a 12 year old DS too so I'm looking for new ideas

@NotEnoughTime there is a local childminder who offers contracts for older kids, but she'll let them go out to meet their friends if parents agree. That's £30 a day.

A sports club nearby does occasional football clubs 10-3 so he will go to those to break up the day.

I have a holiday with him, his Grandma often takes him away for a week.

There are PGL type camps for older kids but DS not keen!

It's a struggle though at this age.

Thanks embarrased. I agree 12 is a tricky age. My DS went to Supercamps last year but I think he will be too old for it this year. Over the Summer holidays I average a three day week so it's not too bad to find cover.

I think it's fine as long as he's happy. As you say, in 12 months time he will be that bit older etc.
There's 2 issues I think tho. Will he have to cook for himself every night and will he be lonely?

My son is a little younger than yours but I wouldn't want no to be cooking food if home alone.

Is there anyone that would maybe have him to theirs the odd night for tea? Could a grandparent come over one evening etc?

I don't think it should stop you taking a good job and if your son is happy then I'd say go for it. Maybe just say to your son we'll see what happens but if it doesn't work then look into the childminder/au pair.

12 is definitely a tricky age. Dd is saying she is too old for childminders but I don’t trust her to be on her own for any length of time. Up to an hour she would be fine but longer than that she would struggle. I do think it depends on your child but Mine is very needy.