To think leaving a 12 year old alone each day from 3-7pm is too much?

[embarrassedbymyhouse]

I'm trying to find a new job.

One involves a 50 mile commute by car. It pays quite well, and annoyingly my work is quite niche so it's hard for me to find local jobs.

DS is 12 and an only child, I'm a single parent.

I wouldn't be home until 6.30-7pm each night and I think it's too long for him but he doesn't want a childminder.

AIBU to think this is too long and we need an au pair or god only knows what else?

I currently do it with my daughter . "Latch key kid " from when she gets home from school ( approx 5 mins away ) until I get home at 6.30pm .. she's year 6 and totally fine ( we have rules she has to follow)

It's absolutely fine.

I was left home alone for most of the school holidays at that age!

I think it's fine. Plenty of people have commutes of over an hour; especially if you work in big cities, so getting home at 7 or even 7.30 isn't uncommon for lots of parents. I know I did for many years. If you are a single parent and don't have the luxury of family support or even living relatives, then kids (from sec school age) have to be on their own, that's just the way it is.

I was home alone after school at that age. I was required to call my mother the moment I got in the house. I was not allowed to have any friends in or to go outside. I could walk the dog in the fenced backyard only. I was to do my homework and then start dinner (my mother would leave written instructions about what to do). This was the schedule for six years, until I left for college.

That seems a bit extreme! Fair enough at twelve, but a 15/16 yo should be able to take the dog out or go to the shops or library or pop round to a friend's after school.

What I don't understand OP is how he's home at 3pm. I think 3pm to 7pm every night Monday to Friday is too much to be fair and I am quite lax about these sorts of things and was working full-time when dd started Y7 but she had a bit brother of 14 and a half.

However, I worked a very short way a away and compromised over salary for years to do that. Also, even though dd's school was very local, she didn't finish school until 3.45 and wasn't home until 4.15 at the earliest. She would often have a schmooze round the shops on her way home too.

Mondays was usually after school music/choir practice until 5pm
Tuesday she went to drama club (left at 5.30 for 6pm start) and I collected her at 8pm
Wednesday she had a language club at another school until 6pm (and the mums collected on a rota)
Thursday was quiet day
Friday was youth club and she got the bus for 6pm.

All up she was rarely at home alone for more than an hour. Fridge was always stocked with ham, cheese, other tasties and we had dinner at about 8ish.

She made the decision not to have the au-pair when she went to high school.

For context we were in London in a very safe area and had excellent neighbours

I just don't understand how he'd be at home from 3pm to 7pm every single day - that would just be soul destroying.

I used to get home at about 4.50pm and my mum got home some evenings at about 6.30.

@CodenameVillanelle
Move!? I imagine the OP and her son would rather stay where they have friends and their lives!

I would not commute 50 miles (away from my DS). If the only job i could get was 50 miles away i would move.

It's far too long, I wouldn't do that with my teenagers because it's a long time to be alone.

I think 12 is a reasonable age for most kids, but not all. set up the rules about things like kitchen use, internet use, not having company, keeping the door locked. He should know how to get in touch with you and a couple other trusted grown ups as well.

by next year he should be starting dinner.

but then again, I am old and the idea of responsible 12 year olds and 13 year olds cooking was normal when I was that age.

Love the naivety of posts saying move or compromise on salary, or that 'it's too long' without suggesting a realistic alternative.

As a single parent the financial buck stops with you. I don't know about the OP but in my case I never got a penny from my Ex so the entire financial weight was always fully on my shoulders. In our case there was no option to move as anywhere that would have reduced my commute would have been more expensive. And there simply were no jobs closer to home. And a long commute doesn't always have to be a long distance. I currently work 7 miles from home. The absolute quickest I can do the journey is 45 mins. It's normally closer to an hour.

I find the answers here odd. There was a thread the other day where the OP was being told it was fine to leave a similar age child all day every day in the school holidays, and if you wouldn't do so then you were wrapping them in cotton wool.. FWIW I think it depends on the child, my ds1 would have been fine with this, but ds2 is 12 and I'm not sure he would be.

i was home alone at that age until about the same time - when i got in i'd wave in to my neighbour and sometimes she'd pop in and if i needed anything i could go to her. could anything like that work?

Hi OP, I use to do one hour a night babysitting for a child in a similar situation. It was when I worked at the after school club and then as the child went to secondary (so 11-13 until I stopped) there wasn’t an afterschool club for him. I was 19 at the time so it was a great way for me to earn extra and ensure he wasn’t alone.

I think it's fine to leave a 12 year old for that length of time. However, 5 days a week is a lot. I also think for many children spending each evening alone until 7pm would be very lonely, once the novelty wore off.

I bet he could find a friend to go to after school at least one day a week
Sure. The parents of his friends will have no problem providing childcare without there being an agreement. 🙄

Laughing at au pair/cook suggestions, not everyone has salaries that cover these, especially if one salary coming in.
The OP suggested an au pair. Not every single parent is skint. If I were a single parent, my salary would cover an au pair.

I think you need a mothers help. You would be much more relaxed about leaving him then.

😂 at everyone who says children aren't home from school until after 4pm. Schools here (West Yorks) finish at 2.30 onwards, my kids are home by 2.45 after they've walked home.

I think leaving them for a few hours completely depends on the child. DS1 would be happy to have 4 hours on the PS4 on his own, DS2 would hate it and likes to know who's going to be home and at what time.

No, a 12 yo can take care of themselves for a few hours. They might actually prefer some quiet alone time.

Dd is the same age and on her own after school once a week while I take her brother to gymnastics. I get home at 8.15pm and she has usually done her homework, tidied and prepped dinner (she eats at school that day and has sandwiches or soup or similar while I'm out). She loves it but I couldn't do it every night. She would cope but I would miss our family evenings.

@yabbers every holiday if I'm off and not away I offer to have friends kids. We all do it where I live. Some days I have 3 extra kids, some days my kids are out with my friends when I have to work. Quite often we have people's kids for a weekend so their parents can go away and visa versa

Lots of my friends (including us) have no family close by, or are single parents so we help each other out.

I think it depends on the maturity of your child. Mine would have been ok especially if you have a neighbour or auntie who could help in an emergency.
Your problem will be how will you manage in the School holidays or if your son is ill?

Sure. The parents of his friends will have no problem providing childcare without there being an agreement. 🙄

Ah be fair @Yabbers, I remember being that age and going to friends' houses all the time - it was never "childcare" to their parents, we'd just be watching films or playing on the Playstation or going to the park etc.

I don't know if it's too long for your child, it would be for some and not for others.

I am a childminder and I have had lots of children between the ages of 11-14 for after school. I don't "look after" them. They hang out at mine and I feed them. I love having them around and they enjoy each other's company.

I'm sure there are plenty of other childminders who do the same.

I think technically it's not an issue, I would happily leave my 12 yr old after school for that amount of time if necessary. But as a one off or a couple of days a week. If it's 5 days a week term time, and possibly some long days in the holidays too then I think that's a bit much.
Is there anyway you could finish early 1 day a week and he stay at school in a club or the library or take himself to an after school activity for say 2 days? Then he'd only be home alone for the longer hours 2 days a week, that seems like a compromise.

I agree he's too old for a childminder unless special needs are involved.

I collected my 2 younger siblings from school. Took them home and put dinner on. My Mum got home about 6.30 - 7pm.
None of us come to any physical harm.

I personally wouldn't expect a 12yr old to be by himself for that long every day. Presumably, he'd need to get his own tea & wouldn't be able to do after school activities etc. What about if he wants to go out with friends or have them back to your house? Will he do homework or just stare at a screen the whole time? This would make me very nervous & I don't think it's fair on him at all. What if he feels unwell when he gets home?