To think leaving a 12 year old alone each day from 3-7pm is too much?

[embarrassedbymyhouse]

I'm trying to find a new job.

One involves a 50 mile commute by car. It pays quite well, and annoyingly my work is quite niche so it's hard for me to find local jobs.

DS is 12 and an only child, I'm a single parent.

I wouldn't be home until 6.30-7pm each night and I think it's too long for him but he doesn't want a childminder.

AIBU to think this is too long and we need an au pair or god only knows what else?

IMO it is. I wouldn't say that if it was once a week or occasionally but he is going to be on his own until 7pm every day. I wasn't trying to make OP feel guilty, I was looking at it from the 12 year olds perspective.

Fairy dust- I think the big difference is that you still had company. It might not have been ideal to have a 9 year old looking after a younger sibling, but at least you weren’t all by yourself. I think for the OP, it sounds like a very sad, lonely existence being alone for that length of tome for a 12 year old, so i would keep looking for ways around it.

I used childminders until the end of Y8 (aged 13). The childminders I used for the secondary years had teenage boys of their own & it worked. Only stopped because CM2 moved away & the only CM left in our town was focussed on small children. My son does have some additional needs, but it won’t have been obvious to any observer, so I doubtless looked over-protective.

I know I am referencing another thread but I would see it as less of a problem for the 16 and 12 year old to be left together overnight on one occasion. OP doesn't need to feel guilty, just to rethink.

I should add, not every day. Once or twice a week after school until 6. On the other days, I initially flexed to get home by 4pm & gradually built up his time alone.

@Goodenough06 me too but mid 90s, I literally just put on the telly (which we were seriously limited to watch) and stared at it, loved it!.

Single mum nursing and she was back by six ish, me and my brother were actually always a bit gutted on her return as she'd be like 'out of your uniforms and telly off now please!'

I think if the right safety measures are in place it's fine. We had a home phone and numbers, imagine he probably has a mobile? And our neighbors knew the situation.

In the winter we always cranked the heating up as well

Mine does this, although most days I am back a little earlier. He spends his time on the PS4, although now the weather is better he strolls back through the park with his friends. It is a fair old walk back from school, so the exercise is good for him.

He has been doing this since year 6, and his younger brother is about to start doing this too.

I think it breeds independence and initiative. The money I save on childcare goes to our "fun fund" which I spend on treats so long as the house isn't wrecked after school and all is well.

I think some are over dramatising the effect on the 12 year old. OP knows his maturity level. If she, and he, feel it's doable then go for it. Obviously, if problems arise then it can be looked at again.

I've seen words such as neglect used. That just isn't fair, whether you're viewing it from a 12 year old's perspective or not.

OP, how do you think your 12 year old will cope; is he just 12 or nearer 13?

Taking out everybody else's opinions on this, what do YOU feel?

I'm in a similar situation with an 11 year old and recently turned down a job with longer hours/commute. I'll happily leave mine for an hour or 2 a couple of times a week but personally I think 3-7pm 5 days a week is too much. The distance would worry me too in case of emergencies.

I’ve commuted those sorts of distances before. What’s the traffic like in rush hour? You might find yourself leaving at 630 am, there are frequent hold ups which means it might be closer to 8 some nights. I’d never do that sort of distance again esp by car.

OP knows his maturity level.

I don't think the maturity level is the most important factor in all of this. I think once the initial excitement wears off he will end up very lonely.

It totally depends on your DS and whether he would feel ok or not.Personally I don't think it's that extreme but why not try it and see how it goes. I left DH when DS was 11 and we had to move. He hated coming home to an empty house so I went on a child care web site and just got someone who would come over for 2 hours twice a week, not to look after him, but just so there was somewhere there. The other days my NDN used to go in the house with him and once he was in he was ok.I did this for about a year so till he was 12-13 and then he was absolutely fine. Maybe this is a option. When you're a single parent responsible for keeping a roof over your kids head it's not as simple as whether it's ideal or not, sometimes there is just no other option.

I suppose the thing that concerns me is that there is another option, which would see me out of the house for 2 hours less a day. But this option will almost double our household income.

I think I'm going to consider carefully whether this is the right job. It's made harder by the fact that I know in 12 months it will be a non-issue and he'd be fine alone.

I do think an au pair or perhaps even a nanny housekeeper for those few hours a day might have to be the solution for the first little while.

Thanks all for your opinions!

OP if this is the job for you, I seriously wouldn't turn it down for the sake of 12 months. There WILL be a way, good luck!

I have a 12 year old, he has after school activities, goes to the park after school with his friends, so is often not back until 6. I can't see it being a problem, just make sure there is proper food around that he can heat up/eat when he comes in so he doesn't snack too much.

Could you find someone to come on for one hour 5-6, to break the time up. Ideally they could spend the time cooking dinner for you both- so something is ready every night when you get in.
They don't need to "look after" or supervise your son directly. Just say hello, check he's ok, confirm he's home safely and there are no probs- plus cook the tea, then leave.

It's fine. And normal for kids I know. It doesn't harm them at all

He needs a routine. Ideally after-school clubs or tasks at home. He'll probably end up surprising you with how well he manages

My 15 and 18 year olds have bad days at school sometimes. Sometimes they go through a bad patch and have bad weeks. I would hate the idea of them having no one to talk this through with until 7pm if that.

Don't you (general you) find teens need you more than ever (even if they don't appreciate it and you're not doing nappies or playdates any more)? They need a level of emotional support which can be very demanding at times.

The thought of a young teen coming home and brooding for 4 hours after a stressful day at school - makes me feel a little sad.

If your wage is doubling you should be able to afford someone to be available at home for that time?

If you've got a spare room I'd say an au pair would be perfect. Just someone to be around and hang out a bit with him. Also hand if you get stuck in traffic or something like that.

Feeling sad about a teenager spending time on their own is a luxury most single parents don't have. There simply isn't an alternative. It's the same as when people say they cant imagine how you put a baby in childcare for 10 hours or more a day. You do it because that's the way it is. Many people don't have a choice and single parents (mainly but not exclusively mothers) shouldn't be made to feel bad for going to work and supporting their family.

Yes I would have loved my sons to have been able to go to their grandparents or other relatives after school, so they werent on their own every day. But we dont have family living. That's how it is. I have to work ft to support us financially and working from home is not a concept particularly favoured in my area of work (and is a v recent development anyway). So you do what you can, because you have to. And saying how sad it is when you've never been in a position of having no option but to eke and leave your kids is not in the least helpful.

VelvetSpoon - OP asked for opinions, not unconditional support if you care to read more closely.

Firstly, there is a choice in this matter. She can work shorter hours, it is not as though this job a 50 mile commute away is the ONLY job.

Secondly, if she decides to take the higher paying job with longer hours, then she can find ways for her child to spend fewer hours alone and has had some good suggestions on this thread which I hope she considers.

My mother was a single parent who worked and I lived alone with her and came home to an empty house from about the op's child's age. However, I was not alone until 7pm every night 5 days a week! I had other things to do, I had friends to go home with sometimes. My mother got home a little earlier (more like 5.30ish) and we would cook dinner together or she'd cook while I did homework. It's just a question of what is reasonable and 4 hours every night seems excessive to me and some other posters on this thread. No one is trying to be unhelpful. I am also thinking it will be very hard on the op herself!

No need for the lecture. And young children in childcare 10 hours per day - they are not alone, they are being cared for!

Some people have been unhelpful, but it has been mainly people offering suggestions.

Could you find a compromise then if you're not keen on leaving him for that long? Maybe an after school club, sports club or other activity to break it up a bit? Maybe go to a mate's one or two evenings?

Not sure on the cost of an au pair, but might be doable for you.

My son's school has a homework club that the pupils can stay at until about 4.30.

4 hours?! it will be fine!