To think leaving a 12 year old alone each day from 3-7pm is too much?

[embarrassedbymyhouse]

I'm trying to find a new job.

One involves a 50 mile commute by car. It pays quite well, and annoyingly my work is quite niche so it's hard for me to find local jobs.

DS is 12 and an only child, I'm a single parent.

I wouldn't be home until 6.30-7pm each night and I think it's too long for him but he doesn't want a childminder.

AIBU to think this is too long and we need an au pair or god only knows what else?

Fine now and again but not 5 days a week every week. Does he not have any after school activities he'll need taking too? Will he be allowed out with friends or friends in? If his whole week, every week will be waiting at home alone for you to come back and make a late dinner it doesn't sound good.

Who will be his emergency contact when he leaves the care of the school and you are still 50 miles away? Can he go there instead?

Getting a friendly 6th former in to keep him company might work. We used to have an older friend keep dd company for the odd days when I was working and she was on holiday, when she was 11-13 ish. They both had a good time. It really depends on the child.

If he's happy with it, you're comfortable with it and if he has the phone number of a nearby friend/neighbour who could lend a hand in an emergency, then I think it's fine.

In our house, 3 days a week:

15:15 - DD10 is the first home to an empty house.
15:55 - DD12 arrives home
16:45 - DH home from work
18:15 - Me home from work

The girls enjoy the freedom (and peace and quiet!) to change out of their school uniform, grab a snack and get started on their homework. DH works 5 mins away so can be home very quickly if he's needed and our DDs feel confident enough in their own abilities to cope, so it's the simplest option all round. I agree with others that 12 is too old for a Childminder.

12 is not too old for a childminder if that's what your child needs.

Most of the children I have had from yrs 7 and 8 come here because they prefer not to be alone, or they have started winding down childcare and do a series of popping in here after school, sometimes staying for food and a natter, then going home to wait for their parents, eventually going straight home themselves knowing I am here if they need anything.

I have had 2 boys (at different times) stay until they were over 14 because they didn't like going home to an empty house. They slob around on my sofa, interacting with my own teens or playing on their phones quite happily.

Empty houses are not for everyone and no-one should be made to feel childish or stupid if they don't feel comfortable with it.

I'm amazed at so many people saying it's fine. I think it would be really miserable. And most teens are more needy than toddlers.

Compromise on a childminder a few days an Alone s few? That placated my older ones when I was in a similar position.

Bibbitybobbityhat it depends on the child surely? My eldest at 12 was a huge of her own company, my youngest at 12 actively asked to go to the childminders.

After I left my OH DD had to be left at home alone.She was 12 ,I work 3days leaving at 7am home 7pm and one 9-9.30.
I phone at about 4pm to make sure she is home OK.
She is now almost 16 and has coped well.
At the beginning we went through what to do in emergencies,getting neighbours help etc.She uses the time to do homework and as it is GCSE time can come and go as she wants.

I don't think it's fine for any child for thst long very single day.

To the pp saying she was cooking the family dinner every night from the age of 9 - you do know your parents were neglectful don't you?

Compromise on a childminder a few days an Alone s few? That placated my older ones when I was in a similar position.

This is sensible

Au-pair seems a good all round idea?

I didn't leave my DD at that age, but I would've been fine doing so. As a child, I was never left until 7pm but from, say, 9 - 5/6 , from year 6 onwards during holidays, and from 3:30pm on school days. I loved it!
I would encourage DS to do after school activities, or homework in the school library, so that he gets home a little later and so has less time alone if you are worried. Could he call in at your public library on his way home, and get some homework done there?

I think it’s sad a 12 yr old would be spending so much alone time with nobody to go to for help.
You wouldn’t be around the corner either - you’d be 50 miles away so could not easily get to him if he was injured or in trouble.

I don’t think many 12 yr olds would be calm enough to cope/know what to do in an emergency. They might seem like they could but that’s when you’re with them you see the confidence in them. When they’re alone, it’s often not like that.

Skim read the thread but is the job requiring you onsite everyday? Can you work from home 2 or 3 days per week on premise you can work more in office as he gets older?

I was left alone from that age for the same amount of time, until my parents got in from work. In all honesty I didn't like it and was frequently quite frightened, especially in winter months when it was dark. One time I came home to find my house had been broken into and ran to a friend's house. The police told me that when I came home the burglers were probably still in the house. For this reason I don't think I'd be happy leaving my child to come home alone every day and stay there for several hours. I'll have them brought home or they can go to a club, a friend or family members house until I can get back.

Most workplaces are becoming more flexible. Can you request to start early, finish early on 2 or 3 days?
What are the standard hours if means you don't get home until 7?
I'd only go for the job if there is flexibility, but if you don't ask you don't get...

Honestly, providing your child doesn't have special needs and is reasonably sensible, it is fine. I think it is only on Mumsnet that their is so much angst about leaving tweens alone for a few hours.

You can look at school activities, youth clubs, and local activities, eg scouts to reduce the time at home alone if you desire.

Only you know your own son.

I have a 12 year old and in the holidays, he's home alone 2 days a week from 8am until 5.30pm. He sometimes meets up with friends or goes out with my friend for the day. He's mature, sensible and perfectly capable of cooking himself something basic for lunch. He'll be 13 in a few weeks and I've been doing this with him since last year's summer holidays.

If your son is happy, maybe give it a trial run. He could always break it up by going to a friend's or doing an activity.

Theres a huge difference in my mind between being alone for half an hour (as some posters are comparing it to!) Or even 5.30 and 7pm

5.30 means home alone for over 2 hours (which is what I did and hated..) which is perhaps manageable.

Home til 7 is 4 hours and most of the afternoon/early eve. That seems completely different to me. They'd have to take themselves to and from sports clubs/out/dinner. Would feel to me like they're living almost independently.

Really hibble?? Theres a difference between "leaving at home a few hours" s a one off and being home alone 3-7 every single day. Noone to talk to about school, eat dinner with etc. What if they start to struggle with school etc its a lot of responsibility at 12.

I dont know anyone irl who would, and I was seen unusual as being home til 5.30 everyday as a kid, so its not "only on mumsnet."

Personally no, I wouldn’t go this. Apart from the loneliness factor, anyone could follow them home. We have all sorts of people knocking on the door late pm. Yes you can tell them to not answer the door, but what if they didn’t shut it properly or were seen through a window. Also, it’s dark in the winter. How would you know they were even going home? As time goes in, they’re far more likely to be hanging out on the streets rather than going straight home to an empty house.

If he is happy then its fine. I stayed on my own from the age of 10 and it never bothered me, i even travelled from Scotland overnight on the train to London then on to Kent on my own from the age of 12, i was fine and no i dint need therapy years later

It might be practically okay if he's sensible but it's emotionally neglectful. Who does he talk to if he has had a bad day? Can he get to any activities he is interested in?

I think it depends on the child.

Many single parents don't commute long distances but because they rely on public transport don't get home until 6 or 7pm.

I also think this would be a good VI former job, go round after school, make sure ds is fed/watered and started home work.

It's not emotionally neglectful, quit trying to make the OP feel guilty.