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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think leaving a 12 year old alone each day from 3-7pm is too much?

168 replies

embarrassedbymyhouse · 02/06/2019 19:56

I'm trying to find a new job.

One involves a 50 mile commute by car. It pays quite well, and annoyingly my work is quite niche so it's hard for me to find local jobs.

DS is 12 and an only child, I'm a single parent.

I wouldn't be home until 6.30-7pm each night and I think it's too long for him but he doesn't want a childminder.

AIBU to think this is too long and we need an au pair or god only knows what else?

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 02/06/2019 21:48

I think its fine

Nanny0gg · 02/06/2019 21:50

It's not the physical harm, it's the loneliness.

I don't think it's fair every night at 12.

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 02/06/2019 21:58

Would he be able to do after school activities some days and do homework at the library on others? I think it's ok but it's lonely if it's everyday.

janetforpresident · 02/06/2019 22:01

It's not the physical harm, it's the loneliness

I don't think it's fair every night at 12
I agree with this

Also find it strange that everyone is laughing at the idea of the op moving but there's another thread going at the moment where people are telling a woman she is being selfish because she doesn't want to move to Australia for her husband's niche job. Is it just women's jobs that aren't important enough to move for?

If the job is a dream job and moving is a possibility then the op could consider it surely?

BlueSkiesLies · 02/06/2019 22:05

I think it’s quite a long time every day.

Would you be able to look for a ‘mother’s help’ type role where someone is there for when he comes home from school and can sort dinner, do some laundry, keep and eye on him etc?

Stiffasaboard · 02/06/2019 22:09

No I absolutely wouldn’t sorry

For too long esp in winter when it’s dark.
Will he make and eat tea on his own?

That’s. really overly existence five mints a week for a kid that isn’t even in his teens.

I can see why he wouldn’t want a CM so what other solutions are there? Friend/neighbour/ sports clubs?

LyndzB · 02/06/2019 22:10

My parents left me at that age and I really enjoyed that time to myself (only child here). It really does depend on what kind of person he is. I also brought my best friend round a lot. It would be great if he could have a friend over. A house for a couple of hours to themselves is very appealing to them at that age!

babbi · 02/06/2019 22:17

I did this with DD at that age and she loved it .
Never lonely at all .
Sometimes she would have a friend round others she would do homework quietly with TV in the background.

She understood I had to work as I’m a single parent and very happily got on with it ( she actually didn’t mich like when I was working from home as I “ got under her feet 😄🙄”).
She’s an independent responsible girl now and we are very close ...

If your son is fine with it then go for it ... never feel bad about working to support your child ..

However if he’s not keen or anxious you will have to think of something else ...

jayho · 02/06/2019 22:19

This is a useless post as I can't remember the name but there's An agency that matches you with students looking for part time caring. A same sex sixth former or uni student might be perfect and hd wouldn't feel babied?

blackcoffeeinbed · 02/06/2019 22:30

I have a friend who pretty much does this with her son. I think the trick is communication, get him to call when he leaves school, when he gets home and keep checking in with him regularly until you're home. She has a key safe outside with a code for him to get the key out so there's no chance of him getting locked out. You could get like a nanny cam to keep in your front room so you can see him at home and what he's up to? It really depends on his maturity and how much you trust him. Is he responsible enough to make himself tea or at least heat up something you can leave him?

TheVanguardSix · 02/06/2019 22:33

It's not fine at all.
It's too long, too lonely.

Original poster
embarrassedbymyhouse · 02/06/2019 22:38

Unfortunately moving is not an option. I wouldn't want to live in the area where the job is, I have all my friends here, my son's friends are here, and it's in the opposite direction to family.

He only does clubs after school in Autumn and Spring terms, and then it's only one or two nights per week.

Holidays would be a mix between my annual leave, he normally goes away with his Grandma for a week, his dad's annual leave, and local sports clubs which run for 5 hours to break up the day.

I really think that either taking a lower paid part time job or getting an au pair might be my best options but when touting the idea of an au pair to DS he was worried it would be too sad having to say goodbye to someone he'd grown to like over the course of a year!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 02/06/2019 22:39

Then I think the 6 former/college student is a good idea.

Can also help with homework...

InsertFunnyUsername · 02/06/2019 22:42

It wasn't too long for me when i was younger, or my siblings. We were fine and knew what to do in emergency.

MinervaVause · 02/06/2019 22:42

Can you see if there’s an after school club or youth centre around for him?

My dc (8 & 10) go to after school club at the local youth centre where there’s ratio’s, activities and supervision but the centre is open to kids from the local college. They have their own floor with tv and games consoles, bean bags and sofas. Some go to the skate park next door. They are pretty much left to their own devices but there’s always an adult around for them if there’s any problems. A couple of the youth leaders now used to be the kids that would spend their time their after school helping out with the younger ones.

Otherwise, I think a 12 year old would be fine at home for a few hours after school. They can make themselves a snack, do homework and chill out until you get home.

IndigoApple · 02/06/2019 22:44

What nokidshere said.

DD went to a childminder until she was 13.5 and hung out/got fed rather than being looked after. Worked well. When we (and she) felt she was old enough to go home by herself the childminder was happy to be on call for any emergencies but this was never needed.

SmellMySmellbow · 02/06/2019 22:46

His reason for not wanting an au pair is very sweet but not really a valid one for throwing it out! I'd get an au pair and he can keep in touch after the year is ended if he gets close to them!

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 02/06/2019 22:47

I was home alone in the evenings for about that length of time from that age and I was physically fine and definitely would have said at the time that I enjoyed it.

Looking back...I never really had a chance to chat my mum (or anyone) about my day, no one to interest themselves in my homework, talk about anything that was bothering me, etc. I suppose I could have tracked my mum down and confided in her, but evenings were busy. Mornings were busy. Weekends were busy. And so I was able to hide just how far off the rails I was getting until I was in my late teens. And as an adult, I still assume that I am expected to just "get on with things" and it rarely occurs to me to ask someone for help.

Obviously I had a lot of dysfunctional stuff in my childhood that wasn't just being alone after school. I guess it depends on the kid. And I understand that the OP may not have a choice - my mother's options were limited as well. I'm just saying that, just because a situation is unavoidable doesn't mean that therefore all negative consequences vanish.

fairydustandpixies · 02/06/2019 22:51

I was cooking the evening family meal from the age of 9 as parents were both out at work FT so I had to get everything ready for when they arrived home. Also had a younger sister to look after.

My DS were alone from 8am to 5pm weekdays (apart from school hours!) and fended for themselves quite safely - from Yr 7.

Think we're all getting a little too precious...I'm 47 btw so not talking about past Victorian times quite!!

Coffeeonthesofa · 02/06/2019 23:00

Where is his dad in all this, I had assumed that he wasn’t around from your Op but if he has him during holidays, can he work more flexibly and have his DS one or two afternoons/ evenings a week? What about his family can they help? Could you work out an arrangement with one of your DS’s friends parents if they are home during the week, could your DS hang out one afternoon a week at theirs if the friend hangs out for a while at yours at a weekend.
Can you sign up your DS for more after school activities I would check out what is available locally, would he benefit from a tutor one afternoon a week?
It’s hard i’ve been there with teenagers but every afternoon is too much in my opinion. If you could find ways to fill up even two afternoons a week it would make such a difference, even if it was just until he was a little older. The money you are not spending on childcare now, could be used for this year of transition til he is 13 / 13.5.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 02/06/2019 23:03

I think that it's too long. You would be unable to monitor who came round, what he was up to, what he was doing on the internet, what he was eating (or worse -drinking). Or, if he's very sensible and well behaved, then there is the worry of loneliness. Also, does he need any lifts anywhere after school (clubs etc)? Of course he doesn't want a 'child minder'. That sounds too childish as does ,'baby sitter'. But he's not an adult. He's not even a teenager. Could you instead hire a tutor to break it up or sign him up to a homework or after school club? I think that you need to put something in place.

Yabbers · 02/06/2019 23:07

@goodwinter

But it is childcare. My mum had the same problem, our house always had visitors but she soon put a stop to it when she realised all those other parents were working and she usually ended up providing snacks and even meals for them. We were skint because she couldn't work. It irked her she was looking after folks kids for free whilst the parents were out making money.

C0untDucku1a · 02/06/2019 23:08

We have a youth zone in our town that pree teens and teens can attend in the evenings and do different activities. Like biker grove Grin Maybe check there is nothing like that? Or sign him up for classes?

Yabbers · 02/06/2019 23:09

@Yinyen But this isn't a reciprocal agreement, is it?

Solo · 02/06/2019 23:11

My 12yo Dd comes home from school, lets herself in and I get home at about 5:30/6pm. I've also, a couple of times gone out for an hour or two straight from work so, not been home until 7 pm. She's sensible and we can speak/text by phone. I don't think it's an issue for a mature 12-year-old. I'm also a lone parent.

I looked after my younger brother when I was 9 for an hour or so after school and in the holidays and he was a nightmare!
Just make sure he has a back up if he needs one.

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