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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Last minute drop outs? CF’s? - Wedding

159 replies

Spiceupyourlife · 02/06/2019 17:58

(I am not a ‘bridezilla’. I have been pretty chilled out to this point!)

However....

Dp is a quiet softie (huge heart).
He has a really good group of old uni friends and we travelled all over the UK to their weddings.

When DP sent out our invites we got a couple of declines. Sad- but ‘it’s not a summons’ and people have lives - totally understood.

But the rest RSVP’s yes. Awesome.

We now get married in 5 days and over the last couple of weeks 4 more of his ‘friends’ have dropped out! The most recent today and I’ve already sent the seating chart to the printers 🤔. We’ve heard some wonderful excuses but nothing critical or unforeseen.

What’s worse is it’s a reasonably small wedding so their absence definitely will be felt.

I’m so sad for DP but also it’s just shit wedding etiquette. You don’t have to come, but if you RSVP yes...

AIBU to think that you’re a CF to RSVP yes and then ‘drop out’ so close to the big day?!?!

OP posts:
Catsinthecupboard · 03/06/2019 20:37

When we were young, my dh's 2 friends and I decided to throw him a surprise birthday party for a milestone bd.

One was lovely and brought dh to party. It was a great surprise.

The other? Had "other plans." Two days before.

I regret calling him about it. He's a superficial egotist. His wife (who didn't like me back then) has a photo of HERSELF on her desk. 8x10.

Invite others. Let these people go. I have decades on you and from our experience, these uni friends will never change.

Your dp sounds lovely. Concentrate on him. Don't give them another thought.Flowers

PompeyBez · 03/06/2019 21:34

I wouldn't be offended by a last minute invite if the B&G were honest about itGrin

drspouse · 03/06/2019 21:38

My aunt and uncle told me they were coming months in advance and then didn't. Plus at least 3 who made sorry excuses very near the day. So you've paid for those meals.
And my DB booked a flight that would never have got him and my SIL there on time and she was supposed to do a reading. They got there for the meal though Hmm

Echobelly · 03/06/2019 21:39

I think if you're not someone who's organised a fully catered wedding you might not realise how much cost and complication is involved, and if you're the sort of person (like too many these days), who feels free about flaking out on social things, you might just assume it's no big deal.

So yes it is rude, but also they may just think it's like dropping out of a party and hey, it won't matter and they don't realise the cost.

Littlestlily · 04/06/2019 06:03

The day before the wedding (to now Exh) his Mum and Dad called him and said they, bil and Grandad wouldn’t be attending unless he paid bil back some money he owed him, I think it was about £40!

It caused us enormous stress and upset and sadly proved to exh that his brother was clearly the favourite son and his parents had very little regard for his happiness.
The £40 was paid back, so they did come, but only stayed to the ceremony, the meal, then left as soon as they could, missing the cake and evening do.

A very odd family dynamic all round , very egotistical and emotionally cold mother.

chubbylover78 · 04/06/2019 07:11

We had similar happen to us last year, my dh has 3 brothers and 2 dropped out last minute one didn't give and excuse his wife sent a message through fb to say they can't make it and the other one wife sent dh a text saying they needed a new hot water tank so couldn't afford it. Our evening guests never turned up either, we had just 12 out of 45 turn up, total waste of time, effort and money, the amount of food that got wasted because we catered for everyone would of fed a small army and not one person that didn't turn up gave any excuse or has ever said anything about it since.

Playmytune · 04/06/2019 07:46

My sil planned a largish 21st birthday bash for her dd. They hired a function room, hired a band and organised a fancy buffet. They invited limited family, as she had a huge number of friends, so there wouldn’t be much room after they came!
Turned out she wasn’t as popular as my sil thought! One friend turned up and she left to go to work, in a nightclub, half way through! It was awful, being only aunts and uncles, plus a few cousins left! I felt so sorry for her, especially as they had (mostly) all said they were coming.
Turned out another girl (dn hadn’t invited) had got engaged the day before, so they had all went out on an impromptu engagement party!
Very poor behaviour!

DogHasEatenTheSqueaker · 04/06/2019 09:22

When we got married DH uncle just didn’t turn up on the day. His uncles wife did, and when we asked where uncle was (assumed illness!), reply was ‘oh, he didn’t fancy it’.

Righto! 😂

Kaddm · 04/06/2019 09:23

Sometimes it’s true. I dropped out of the wedding of 2 close friends on the day because I was vomiting horrifically. 15 years later we are still firm friends because they understood that it was the truth. Life can be stressful, particularly when you have or are having children etc. Another close friends wedding, I had my 3yo in A&E with a mystery illness. Again, it was true, she understood, we are still good friends. Another of dh’s friends got married other side of world when we had a young prem baby. We couldn’t go, he understood why, we are still friends. So that’s 3 weddings we have missed, all for good reasons. This stuff happens. I don’t imagine my life is much different to anyone else’s.

Fantail2018 · 04/06/2019 11:53

Some of the excuses above are terrible and there are dwfinitely some cf out there but I know a few people who may 'flake out' but due to social anxiety of themselves or partners. I also know a friend who did attend a mutual friends wedding but spent the day before sobbing in a hotel room due to stress and depression - if he hadn't already travelled to get there he probably wouldn't have turned up.

Mousetolioness · 04/06/2019 12:11

I always wonder if there isn't a percentage of 'no-shows' who felt they didn't have anything suitable to wear - especially if the wedding itself or the reception venue is a bit Ritz-y... I hated wedding invites because I never really had anything appropriate to wear. I'd be fanny-ing around trying to fashion an out-of-necessity individual look with whatever I could find near suitable

I would always have gone out and bought an outfit but inevitably hated it come the day before! Or the outfit might look fine but I hadn't thought about or got appropriate footwear. I'd be as stressed as f**k and resigned to looking very 'not together'. The lame duck; especially so if my effortlessly stylish and together Mum and sister were at the same do. I always went to the wedding or party though.

justasking111 · 04/06/2019 12:33

But mouse, it is not about them or how they look. It is a celebration of love.

Banhaha · 04/06/2019 12:53

I had to drop out the day before a wedding due to D&V (I had to travel that day and I wasn't going to be able to get the train in the state I was in). The bride's family member who I called was rude to me and told me a bit of nausea would be fine surely. So I explained in more graphic detail what the problem was. She still wasn't happy and the bride never forgave me and didn't thank me for my rather expensive wedding gift I had already purchased.

I think 2 days before due to illness is fine to cancel.

hibbledibble · 04/06/2019 12:59

I agree that it is very rude to accept then decline, unless there is a genuine reason that is unavoidable and unforseen eg sickness. I had to because of chicken pox, it wouldn't have been fair to expose a wedding full of people to that!

I'm guessing that the reasons given are not the above. I'm curious to hear what the excuses are.

hibbledibble · 04/06/2019 13:08

For my wedding I had two not show up with no explanation. Another guest RSVPed yes, and then didn't turn up to the evening, missing both the ceremony and the wedding breakfast. She had asked her friend to 'save' her the wedding food. It was totally bizarre behaviour. If she had said that she couldn't make it to the evening then we could have made arrangements, and invited someone else to the day. Particularly rude as we had a small wedding.

crazypsychedelictrifle · 04/06/2019 14:24

It is rude but I had people RSVP that they were coming to our wedding and they just didn't turn up (they were a family of 4 and we're all on one table so it was definitely noticed). They've never apologised either.

weegiemum · 04/06/2019 15:28

A couple we are friendly with didn't show up for our wedding. They were involved in a car accident on the way there! That's a good excuse.

They were both ok after getting checked in hospital. And we're still good friends 25 years later.

Pinkvoid · 04/06/2019 15:32

YANBU, I wouldn’t consider these people friends after this.

Dropping out at the last minute for a real reason such as illness, a death in the family etc is understandable. For no real reason is not and it’s a rude and shitty thing to do.

Attitude84 · 04/06/2019 15:35

Naturalbornwoman, I’d have sent that arsehole the bill!!!

Whoops75 · 04/06/2019 15:35

That’s very rude.

Having been there for them it’s crappy that they aren’t bothered for ye.

Attitude84 · 04/06/2019 15:38

@Chubbylover- I had the same, I feel your pain!!! If I could do all my invites again, I wouldn’t invite over half.

foreverhanging · 04/06/2019 15:48

I had 2 people not turn up to my wedding.

1 of which rsvp'd no, then changed his mind and (this is probably the worst bit) his MUM told my mum that he was actually coming, no contact to me at all, and I had to then text them to find out what he was bloody eating. Then him and his brother didn't fucking turn up on the day! £80 a head!

Still a bit annoyed to this day.

arganlady · 04/06/2019 15:57

Why are people being snobby about hog roasts? Sad

Hollowvictory · 04/06/2019 16:01

Because they're generally not very nice and chosen only for cheapness.

HappyDinosaur · 04/06/2019 16:01

I don't understand either, I quite like a hog roast.

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