Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Last minute drop outs? CF’s? - Wedding

159 replies

Spiceupyourlife · 02/06/2019 17:58

(I am not a ‘bridezilla’. I have been pretty chilled out to this point!)

However....

Dp is a quiet softie (huge heart).
He has a really good group of old uni friends and we travelled all over the UK to their weddings.

When DP sent out our invites we got a couple of declines. Sad- but ‘it’s not a summons’ and people have lives - totally understood.

But the rest RSVP’s yes. Awesome.

We now get married in 5 days and over the last couple of weeks 4 more of his ‘friends’ have dropped out! The most recent today and I’ve already sent the seating chart to the printers 🤔. We’ve heard some wonderful excuses but nothing critical or unforeseen.

What’s worse is it’s a reasonably small wedding so their absence definitely will be felt.

I’m so sad for DP but also it’s just shit wedding etiquette. You don’t have to come, but if you RSVP yes...

AIBU to think that you’re a CF to RSVP yes and then ‘drop out’ so close to the big day?!?!

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 03/06/2019 18:12

People did this to my son's 7th birthday. Two came from 9 acceptances. The worst was a woman who sent this long involved story about a hellish issue with work, and I felt so sorry for her I offered to help if I could. Then I saw her and her boys in the background of photos another friend took with her baby at the local farm park, at the time of the party.

No issue with declines. Annoying when people don't respond. But to say yes, and just not show up, when it's a small child? Arseholes. I have no idea how people can do that.

I sympathise, OP.

Queenoftheashes · 03/06/2019 18:12

Some people know some right wankers!

Haven’t had a wedding but twice I’ve had two empty seats at my table. Once it was a good excuse as one of the missing couple had just had an op, another time was a no show. But it was great because I ate their food 😂

TheCherries · 03/06/2019 18:14

I had one person message me on the morning to say he had just looked at the map and directions to the venue and decided it was too far to travel (it was 20 mins from church and we put on transport for everyone)

There will always be disorganised people and people who don’t get the need to stick to an RSVP response

MLMsuperfan · 03/06/2019 18:16

It is stressful throwing a party, worrying it will be ruined by late cancels and no-shows. A wedding is 10 times worse.

Funnily enough I've just been lecturing one of my kids (teenaged) about how you can't just not go to something you've accepted an invite to, because you don't feel like it on the day.

EmeraldShamrock · 03/06/2019 18:19

Yanbu. It is so difficult to get people to commit nowadays.
I hope your DP is ok, it is shitty of them. I hope you all have a lovely day.

Bettybeautiful28 · 03/06/2019 18:19

Focus on having a wonderful day. Focus on all the love that will be there for you both and all the people that are with you.

I understand you feeling sad for him. These kind of things do reveal the people that really care about you. I had someone cancel the morning of the wedding with no real reason, and although I wasn’t too bothered at the time, for me that was the end of the friendship.

Enjoy your day x

Notabedofroses · 03/06/2019 18:25

These people really aren’t your friends, they are old uni buddies that have not invested in you or the friendship very much. Move the seating around, and I doubt you will notice or care that they aren’t there.

Have a lovely day op, focus on your day and all the guests that are excited to be invited.

Pugworld · 03/06/2019 18:31

One of my best friends didn't turn up to my wedding. She didn't even have the balls to phone me, just sent a card with a message saying she wasn't coming which arrived on the day. The reason? She spent all her money on a suit for her son to wear to the wedding, then couldn't afford transport to the venue.

Two meals wasted with no time to invite anyone else. I was annoyed because it was a small wedding and she knew we hadn't been able to invite everyone we would've liked to be there due to a tight budget. I never spoke to her again after that.

RosaWaiting · 03/06/2019 18:32

I'm curious to know what the reasons were....

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 03/06/2019 18:33

Mil didn't show at ours....
Because she wasn't invited!!!!
Grin

Hollowvictory · 03/06/2019 18:34

Did they go on the stag night? Did something happen there? What excuses are they giving?

justeatasalad · 03/06/2019 18:34

I think it's so rude to confirm your coming to any party especially a wedding then cancel last minute or not turn up at all .
I'm still fuming from my dh birthday party a few years ago , hardly any members of my family came just didn't turn up then got a message to say all ready to go but someone was ill so the whole side of the family couldn't go Hmm . The thing is you know it's rubbish as not even a birthday card was sent so you'd at least pass that on with apologises.
I honestly couldn't be so rude if I said I was going I'd go unless it was a emergency and then I'd feel terrible for letting people down .

Whisky2014 · 03/06/2019 18:39

I'd definitely send out an invite to some other folk. I had one couple pull out a week before our wedding and my mum asked a couple she knew if they wanted what she calls a "fiddlers invite".
Mum told me that years ago this couple had asked my parents to be last minute guests at a wedding and so we did the same with them :D they were lovely and had a great time.

It is rude of the people to say yes and not pull out. Sometimes illness or an important work thing gets in the way but even so, for both people of a couple not to come is pretty shitty

di2004 · 03/06/2019 18:48

I think it’s very rude of them to just drop out last minute.
Whatever their reasons, hope you both have a lovely day x

Crapplepie · 03/06/2019 18:53

Aw that's crap. Only ever bailed on a wedding once as I was in hospital, and in emergency surgery when the ceremony was taking place! Even then I sent a fucking expensive massive bottle of champagne to say sorry and congratulations afterwards!
I hope you have a lovely day CakeFlowersWine

Bishalisha · 03/06/2019 18:56

I had
Night before wedding: friend texting to say her boyfriend wasn’t coming as he had work- she would have known a long time before that

On the day: 1 cousin not show up, 1 other friend not show up (no explication or apology)

Only about 20% of evening guests arrived

Zilla1 · 03/06/2019 19:07

If it is a small wedding, their absence will be felt, they have already RSVP'd, your DP would be upset and is a softie then would you be willing and able (with compassion) to unleash your inner bridezilla?

If so, get in touch by telephone rather than email Ask them if they are fucking mental. Tell all of the four 'friends' (even those who declined a couple of weeks ago) and any DPs for which they accepted are expected, are catered for and had better fucking turn up or a maelstrom will arrive.

You should scare the living shit out of them so they either turn up or never fucking forget how much they've decided to shit over a bride after RSVP'ing and after you attended their weddings. It is an invite not a summons until they accept and let the time elapse until weeks or days before the wedding.

You don't have much to lose as the 'friendship' may be relatively shallow if they are willing to treat you both like this. If you are usually understanding and mild, try and enjoy giving them a verbal slapping. You'll either get the attendees your DP deserves or they will think twice before being a CF with you again.

SystolicSyster · 03/06/2019 19:10

One of my (fairly close, I thought) friends just plain never showed up, either. It was the weirdest thing. We had talked about the wedding the day before, and everything. I obviously assumed something horrible must have happened, but she went totally uncontactable by everyone we knew, and we never ever found out why. She seemed to use the night before my wedding as her cue to cut ties to our whole friendship group and never talk to any of us again. We all already lived in separate places, so there was never any bumping into each other, either. Rumour tells me she's fine - married with kids and has a nice, academic job and a nice home and all. I haven't tried to stalk or hound her or anything, but it was weird.

katers85 · 03/06/2019 19:25

I had people randomly turn up with their kids who had been invited but they had declined. Trying to sit 4 additional people with no notice was stressful. They offered no explanation or apology. They were distant relatives of my husband who we never speak to.

Punkyinpink · 03/06/2019 19:26

At least they let you know. My husbands friends didn’t give us any notice they just didnt turn up on the day. Ended up with 1 table of 7 empty looked really bad. But we had a great day anyway.

StrawBeretMoose · 03/06/2019 19:34

That's so rude of them, I feel sorry for your DH. In future don't make the effort for them.

I have been invited at short notice before, I knew it was because there were drop outs but was happy to go and celebrate.

I had 2 CFs who weren't invited turn up.
DH's bellend of a brother had told 2 people they could bring their partners (who weren't invited, weren't living together and were invited as part of a family group).

Piglet89 · 03/06/2019 19:43

One of our ushers dropped out (admittedly over 2 months before TBF, but still) citing a “scheduling conflict that he could not resolve”). That “scheduling conflict” turned out to be his own fucking wedding, which ended up being on the day before ours (though in a different country). Our best man alerted us to it by text as we made our way to the airport for our honeymoon a couple of days after we got married.

Un-fucking-believable.

Hoolahoophop · 03/06/2019 19:52

Me and dh were last minute benefactors of a drop out once. The bride promoted us from evening to day guests as she thought we wouldn't be offended. She was right, we were very pleased to be there all day and it was a fantastic wedding. Also love how roast and hot dogs at weddings!

MachineBee · 03/06/2019 19:53

At my first wedding, my DSis (who was my chief bridesmaid) brought her sports kit and planned to leave wedding early. Until my DM found out and put a stop to it. I knew nothing until after the honeymoon but I did remember a joke in our Best Man’s speech about her having her kit on under her bridesmaid dress. And her blushing too her roots Grin

At my second wedding, my MIL to be demanded a shopping trip to buy a dress, three weeks before the wedding and then deciding it needed sleeves - which I did - but she never took her jacket off throughout the day. My eldest DSS decided he wanted a waistcoat like his (much) younger brothers - so I duly obliged and he changed his mind on the day.

I agree with PP that some people act weird about weddings. Enjoy your day - ask someone you couldn’t invite (explain the whole situation). Good friends will understand. I would never be offended at not being on the ‘A’ list.

Attitude84 · 03/06/2019 20:01

I got married almost 4 years ago, and to some people, other people’s weddings don’t mean much to them, unless they have an important part. We had 20 no shows who had RSVP’d. I still post subliminal messages on Facebook today. They are all CF and you are not being unreasonable!