Last minute drop outs? CF’s? - Wedding

[Spiceupyourlife]

(I am not a ‘bridezilla’. I have been pretty chilled out to this point!)

However....

Dp is a quiet softie (huge heart).
He has a really good group of old uni friends and we travelled all over the UK to their weddings.

When DP sent out our invites we got a couple of declines. Sad- but ‘it’s not a summons’ and people have lives - totally understood.

But the rest RSVP’s yes. Awesome.

We now get married in 5 days and over the last couple of weeks 4 more of his ‘friends’ have dropped out! The most recent today and I’ve already sent the seating chart to the printers 🤔. We’ve heard some wonderful excuses but nothing critical or unforeseen.

What’s worse is it’s a reasonably small wedding so their absence definitely will be felt.

I’m so sad for DP but also it’s just shit wedding etiquette. You don’t have to come, but if you RSVP yes...

AIBU to think that you’re a CF to RSVP yes and then ‘drop out’ so close to the big day?!?!

Very very bad manners to rsvp yes and then cancel. I expect it’s a case of people realising others in the group aren’t going and then dropping out themselves. Bad form!

We had a few drop out in last week and actually on the day! One was my Dad's girlfriend of 8 weeks who he'd insisted on inviting... that's a whole other story!

It's annoying as you simply lose money for the empty seats/food/drinks

However.... The people that really mattered to me were there and I had a fab day.

Just enjoy your wedding day and write off the non attenders - they have their reasons and it is no reflection on you :)

I love a hog roast!

YANBU. That's really vile behaviour. If it were me, I wouldn't bother making any attempt to meet up with them in the future if they didn't have a valid excuse.

My husband had two close friends from school, he asked them both to be best man as he couldn’t choose between them. They both dropped out a week before the wedding citing money as the issue ☹️ Now they are no longer friends. We still had a lovely wedding (also small).

It’s rubbish and I imagine will change the dynamic of the friendship somewhat, but you will still have a beautiful wedding x

I told people that were a bit flaky that if they cancelled in the last week then they would have to pay for the cost of their meal if we couldn't find someone to replace them as we didn't think it was fair to foot the bill for someone else's casual incompetence. Obviously major emergencies were not included but general laziness and can't be bothered attending/travelling they were told they would have to pay. Maybe this is the way forward?

I remember not a wedding, but a 50th birthday party about 5 years ago.

45 people were invited (including me and DH,) and 9 turned up. I felt so bad for the person whose party it was. The people invited were a mix of work colleagues, neighbours, friends, and extended family - cousins, aunts, and uncles and his sister and her husband, (no parents, as they were dead.)

I have no idea why it was such a catastrophic failure, because this guy and his wife were pleasant enough people (we were neighbours.) Of the 12 extended family members - one turned up - a cousin. Of the 13 colleagues, 2 turned up - one with with their partner, (4 people so far.)

Of the 12 neighbours invited 3 turned up - me and DH, and an old chap from down the road. (7 so far.) And then out of the 6 or 7 friends he invited, one came, with his partner. (They made up the 9 people.)

36 out of 45 not turning up - 80% of the guests invited - was humiliating. This guy and his wife and their 2 kids (aged 10 and 11,) moved away a few months after. Completely humiliated, he felt his work colleagues, neighbours, extended family, and friends gave zero shits about him.

And apparently, when they were all invited, (3 months earlier,) every single one of the 45, except 2, said they were definitely coming. 3 or 4 dropped out a few days before; but the rest (still more than 30 people) just didn't turn up.

The ones who didn't turn up didn't even apologise either, OR send a card or gift. Not ONE of them. Can't say I blame him (and his wife and kids) for moving away, when most of the people in his life thought so little of him.

So yeah, people are dicks; nasty dicks. Saying they are coming to your party or wedding, and then not turning up. Terrible etiquette, mean, selfish, thoughtless, and cruel.

I often wonder what this chap and his wife and kids are doing now, where they're living, and if they're OK. I hope they're happy and have people in their lives now, who treat them with more respect and kindness. I have looked for them on social media, but they are not on there (or they are very well hidden.)

You’re not getting married in Devon by any chance are you OP?

Not an ideal situation but can you issue plus one invitations for some of your closest guests? That way you can fill up empty spaces without losing money.

That’s really not on - what was their excuse? I’d be fuming!

Some of mine didn’t even bother to let me know so I could fill their seats with replacement people. They just didn’t turn up. I was livid at their rudeness - it was £40 a head.

If it’s in London I’ll come

Me too! And I don't like hog roast so will support your catering choices

But, please don't do this at least they've told you so you could invite some people in their place

Nothing worse than being a second choice!

Not as bad as them saying they'll come but then not turn up on the day and never get in touch with you again- happened to me. Your DH will get over it.

Well if there's a mumsnet table I'm on it.

I'm a very cheerful guest and have lots of hats...

What's so wrong with a hog roast?

We had a few like this. DH culture is very different and the lack of official rsvp and then last min cancellations were a pain! In the end I just said to DH draft in people who might come last minute who weren’t on our list, if the seats are filled and meals eaten I am not letting it stress me out. So I would say don’t let it get to you and just focus on having a wonderful wedding day

My friend had the perfect excuse we were just wondering where they were at the reception when a photo popped up on my phone a baby three weeks early, she was actually getting ready when things got serious they did not want to worry us beforehand so waited until baby was safely delivered. That is one birthday date I will never forget.

I think with night dos you will get drop outs. For the actual meal you really need a bloody good reason to back out. My DS was really ill for one night do we were invited to, OH showed his face for a few hours though to show willing.

Sounds like my 18th and m Hen night - these days to celebrate something I choose something I want to do since I have been used to be flaked out by people turning it into a cancel-themed party instead -cars broken down/wrong date/forgot/taking the bins out/running head first into a wall etc. So now only people who do give a shit turn up because cancel-themed parties are FUCKING SHIT.

I got married at 3pm. Someone dropped out at 1pm.

A friend rang my future in-laws to say she wasn't coming three days before my wedding. No one told me so walking down the aisle was very stressful .

Agree with you OP, it is very bad form to change your mind once you've RSVPd to say you are attending (except in case of serious illness obviously or something completely exceptional that couldn't have been foreseen)

Similar happened at our wedding - but it was 4 of DH 6 siblings who dropped out with less than a week to go!! And one of mine only replied less than 2 weeks before the wedding when chased by my DM about dietary needs!!

One had already returned the apologies when we sent out invites as they were out of the country at the time. One had a job that was weather dependant and the summer that year was wet and meant lots of work cancelled so no spare money for a wedding in a London when they lived in rural Wales. Another had a car breakdown (apparently) but was posting lots of ‘out and about’ posts the weekend of the wedding; the 3rd had arranged for pre teen DSC to be cared for by an adult sibling who refused at the last minute (like the Thursday!!) and couldn’t find alternatives; and the other decided that it was more fun to go to Butlins with mates than to a wedding they’d already accepted the invite to.

My sibling that dropped out did so as they ‘had’ to be at the airport to meet some people - sibling wasn’t car driver, wasn’t personally related to those arriving and weren’t hosting said people - and we knew they couple as a family so, had we known with more notice that they were flying in, we’d have invited them to the wedding as well!!

By the time the total numbers were taken out of the equation we had spaces in the registry office we would have offered to others (who we wanted there but had to invite relatives in preference to!!) to come and see us getting married rather than to just the reception where numbers were much more relaxed!!

@OnlyLittleMissOrganised

I would never have the guts to do that but I think you're totally justified. I can't believe people casually drop out at the last minute anyway - wouldn't even cross my mind to do that.

We had a relative who rsvp'd yes then a month before said she wasn't coming due to health reasons (but wouldn't tell anyone what) then two weeks before asked if she could come so I ran round like a headless chicken to arrange. A week before she dropped out again and then half an hour before the ceremony rang my mother to ask could she come after all. I was furious. I have never met someone so attention seeking and unthinking.

People can be so rude. When my DD got married her MIL popped up at the last minute wanting her DB invited as they'd suddenly reconciled after years of not speaking. That was agreed but did need a table plan change. Then he said he wouldn't come without his 6 stepchildren. They pushed back on that as it doubled the number of children at the wedding and needed a major table plan rejig, but ultimately agreed. He didn't turn up on the day. They just left the empty spaces complete with children's goody bags to speak for themselves but that was £400 that could have paid for something else. Arsehole.

Just ignore them and enjoy your wedding.