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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp lack of availability next two months

133 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 10:20

I'm in a grump, prob as exhausted and just missed ds swimming lesson as i missed up the time!, so prob am being a bit unreasonable
Dp is away for 10 days holiday, at a hobby related thing with his dad, not child friendly at all so me and 10mth old ds are at home. I've had to take some leave to cover his normal childcare, which is fine.
I've just realised, not sure how I missed it but, he's working away every single weekend Friday to Monday(self employed) plus weekdays working as normal for the rest of the month. He has one weekend free in July where we have his other 3 dc (my dsc) then he's working away evry weekend Friday to Monday in July plus a full week away 'working' - put in commas as two days is working rest is events and beer.
I'm exhausted. I know it's work but it means I am literally am either working (I work ft) or looking after ds on my own for 2 months! I know single parents do this all the time and hats off to them, but I'm dreading it and it feels unfair.
I know I have to suck it up, but I am feeling slightly hard done by

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/06/2019 10:24

Did he have this job before you planned a child? If so, YABU and knew what life was going to be like.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 10:25

Yep but he promised to change it and normally is away one or two weekends a month max. Two months is mental

OP posts:
WhiteRedRose · 02/06/2019 10:26

So tell him to change it, OP. He has family commitments, so he needs to adapt his working life too.

CostanzaG · 02/06/2019 10:28

Well no Ice when you have children sometimes things need to change. Women change their working patterns after children all the time. Men need to start thinking about how their work fits with family life too

And a 10 day holiday isn't work.....

He is taking the piss OP. Serious chat time when he gets home.

Looneytune253 · 02/06/2019 10:31

The weekend he's free in July book yourself a lovely spa break and go away for recuperation for a couple of nights and leave him with ALL the children. I'm sure he'll love that!!

Candleglow7475 · 02/06/2019 10:31

He needs to knock the ‘events & beer’ parts of these 4 days weekend on the head. Massive piss take IMO, he’s acting like a single man.

GabriellaMontez · 02/06/2019 10:32

Why do you have to suck it up? When is your break?

stucknoue · 02/06/2019 10:32

Sometimes things fall close together and depending on industry it can be very heavy at times of the year. Tell him that you will need a break at some point and he needs to look at his work schedule before booking holidays

GlossyTaco · 02/06/2019 10:34

Op , how much will you put up with before you ditch him?

I have no advice , as I've offered it before.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 10:36

I know.
Praticaly, how do u do everything alone with a clingy under 1 year old. I've been doing the garden at 9pm as no way to fit it in and having to shower with ds

OP posts:
Hooferdoofer37 · 02/06/2019 10:40

He had 3DC before you had one with him, if he didn't change his selfish life for the 1st 3, why did you assume he'd change for the 4th?

It really doesn't matter what he says, it's what he does that's important.
He didn't take on 50% of parenting for DC1, nor DC2, nor DC3; that was your clue to the type of father he would be.

This man has brought 4 children into the world that he barely sees, let alone parents.

I'm assuming you wont be having any more kids with him?

RestingBitchFaced · 02/06/2019 10:44

Get the calendar out and mark some time off for yourself, he is being selfish

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 10:47

He was a sahd for dc1 until he was 1. That is true n a fact. Its the hobby related all consuming job that's the issue which he didn't have until dc3 I think.

OP posts:
ememem84 · 02/06/2019 10:48

If I was in your situation I’d be hiring people in to do the “stuff” - garden cleaning etc. That’s the only way I’d see it being able to get done.

The free weekend you have I’d be going away by myself. And leaving him with the kids.

GlossyTaco · 02/06/2019 10:50

A sahd that cba to wash and sterilise bottles for his baby? I'll bet he wasn't a great one.

Wake up. This , what you see now , is what your life looks like as long as he is in it.

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/06/2019 10:51

This may be why he's someone's ex.

Put your foot down!

NCforthis2019 · 02/06/2019 10:53

Well - either he changes it or surely you need to reconsider this? It’s like he thinks you’re a single parent? Does he respect you even? A father of 4 and feels it’s ok to just leave on a hobby with his dad - so you get to do this as well do you?

CanILeavenowplease · 02/06/2019 10:54

Have I understood that correctly - that your partner will be having his 3 children from another relationship only one weekend between now and July?

And you are OK with that? What about his ex - is she OK with that?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 10:55

I can't afford to hire help at the moment.
I am trying to be more organised and get ds to help (eg dust) or tidy up time etc.
I'm nearly caught up on washing I think.
The weekend in July is ds birthday so I can't go away and I breastfeed still at the moment or I really would!
Ive said once ds is weaned he owes me a few girls only weekends away without ds.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 10:56

No he has the other 3 ds one or two days a week. Other than this 10 day stretch and week in July. He will be having them in the week still as normal.

OP posts:
Foxmuffin · 02/06/2019 10:57

I agree, with pp he needs to start factoring you and your DS into all this. You need some time set aside for yourself. Even if it’s just an hour once a week. But otherwise you’ll wear yourself down and become resentful.

I also agree with comments re getting hired help. My DH works long hours and so we have a cleaner, he contributes very little to the household in terms of housework and I give him the choice of paying or doing it himself. He gets a home cooked meal everyday and I do everything else house related. When your DC gets to bed you should be able to catch half an hour on the sofa!

Hooferdoofer37 · 02/06/2019 10:58

And what about the time he owes his children?

Does it not bother you that he barely sees them (especially his 1st 3). They must be so unhappy that their dad can make time for "child-unfriendly" holidays & hobbies, but has no time for them.

Poor kids.

Foxmuffin · 02/06/2019 10:58

I also have a DSS and it means that DHs time off is devoted to him. Which then means, again, I’m left holding the baby. I know how relentless it can feel!

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 11:00

Thanks foxmom. Can't see why he can't take baby and step kids though, tbf I make my dp now bbay is older.

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 02/06/2019 11:00

hobby related all consuming job what is it with all of these men and their hobbies? So many men out doing hobbies while the wife picks up the slack.

A hobby is something to enjoy during down time, to me that means it comes after work and family.

If he is self employed can he not, to some degree, choose when to work and when to take time off?