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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dp lack of availability next two months

133 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 10:20

I'm in a grump, prob as exhausted and just missed ds swimming lesson as i missed up the time!, so prob am being a bit unreasonable
Dp is away for 10 days holiday, at a hobby related thing with his dad, not child friendly at all so me and 10mth old ds are at home. I've had to take some leave to cover his normal childcare, which is fine.
I've just realised, not sure how I missed it but, he's working away every single weekend Friday to Monday(self employed) plus weekdays working as normal for the rest of the month. He has one weekend free in July where we have his other 3 dc (my dsc) then he's working away evry weekend Friday to Monday in July plus a full week away 'working' - put in commas as two days is working rest is events and beer.
I'm exhausted. I know it's work but it means I am literally am either working (I work ft) or looking after ds on my own for 2 months! I know single parents do this all the time and hats off to them, but I'm dreading it and it feels unfair.
I know I have to suck it up, but I am feeling slightly hard done by

OP posts:

GlossyTaco · 02/06/2019 11:01

@Foxmuffin the op's partner earns very little as his job is more of a jolly/hobby. That's probably why they can't afford to get cleaner etc. So for all of his time away , she has no option but to do the graft herself , after a full time week at work , and caring for a baby.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/06/2019 11:10

I don’t think you get to go on 10 day holidays if you have 4 children and work away a lot. He does not sound like he has the right priorities at all.

Nanna50 · 02/06/2019 11:11

Oh yes I remember now, I've read a couple of OP's threads previously. OP he's a twat and not even earning enough to go on all of these hobby/work events. Change the locks, I'm sure I read somewhere that it is your house.

Candleglow7475 · 02/06/2019 11:15

I remember you now OP , he’s 100% taking the piss.
It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s arranged all these ‘work’ things over weekends to dodge childcare duties.
Seriously how much more are you going to put up with??? From your previous threads I recall it’s not even equivalent to a FT paying role, therefore it equals hobby / holiday in my mind, leaving you to pick up all the slack whilst he swans off.

LillithsFamiliar · 02/06/2019 11:16

Does he have to work away or is he choosing to? I've worked in roles with lots of travel but there was always the option to re-arrange or get a colleague to go instead if all the travelling wasn't compatible with family commitments.
If he sees his other DC during the week, why are you having all the DCs when he comes back?
He's treating you like a nanny/housekeeper. You need to draw a line under this or it will keep happening. Either he re-arranges his work commitments or he drops the hobby holiday. Isn't it strange that there's no money to provide support in the home but there's money for him to go away with his DF? Don't be a martyr OP.

INeedAFlerken · 02/06/2019 11:16

If he acted like this while with the mother of his fist 3 children, I think it's obvious while she's now his ex.

He said he would change. He hasn't. So what are you going to do about it.

He's taking HOLIDAYS on top of expecting you to pick up the slack, on top of an already insane schedule.

You are on your own.

You need to spell out what he has to do or the relationship won't work.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/06/2019 11:22

He sounds like a shit dad. If he wants to go away that much he shouldn’t have had children. Didn’t you notice how little he saw his dc before you had your ds? If you had thoughts he would magically change just because you have a child when he was crap with his existing kids, that was unrealistic.

TapasForTwo · 02/06/2019 11:26

"I'm nearly caught up on washing I think."

So, you catch up on your washing, and the baby's washing, and leave his. You "don't have time" to do his because he isn't there to support you. Something has to give.

I agree with Nanna50's comments about men and their selfish, all time consuming hobbies.

LillithsFamiliar · 02/06/2019 11:30

I've just remembered your other thread. OP you need to call time on this relationship. He will run you into the ground whilst taking as much time, support and money from you as he can.
You may get him to make some small concession about the next two months but it's doubtful and not sustainable. Pack up his stuff when he is away, send it to his parents and tell him its over. Your life will be so much better

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 11:31

He has his dc 40 percent. I kid you not. Two days a week and normally eow. And half school holidays.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 11:32

I have given baby a balloon so that's amusing him so I can do housework. Hats of to. People on their own full time. I don't know how you manage!

OP posts:

mindutopia · 02/06/2019 11:34

My dh and I work normal weekday jobs (dh has about 8 weekends working away each year and we all go together as a family - they are to events that are family friendly but where he is promoting his business, he's self employed as well). But generally we have weekends off and are home together pretty much every weekend. Even given that, there is no way either of us would take a ten day holiday on our own. We do each have weekends away without the family, but it's about 3 days max and we are both home fully engaged in family life. He either needs to change his work situation so that he can be more engaged with his children, or cut out the hobby time and holidays alone. Surely, the whole point of being self employed is so you can have flexibility and enjoy life more than if you were working for someone else?

MRex · 02/06/2019 11:40

2 days / week and EOW is not 40% of a 7 day week.

He isn't earning much from the job, so it isn't worth causing you this stress. That means he'll have to cancel the weekend work and look after DS while you rest and have some time to yourself. He's just had a 10 day break and you need the weekends to recover. You work full time and have DS, so he needs to do over half what you're doing in the home to make up for the breastfeeding time. While you're breastfeeding, he can then clean up the house and garden too. If he won't do that, then you are not important to him and need to reevaluate the relationship.

Nanna50 · 02/06/2019 11:42

Hats of to. People on their own full time. I don't know how you manage!

Many single parents don't have the drain of a DP like yours, you could manage perfectly well without him, you just have to believe it.

Figure8 · 02/06/2019 11:42

I'm genuinely shocked at people saying " leave him" for working.
Gosh.

I would be grumpy at the hobby thing though- was it just bad planning? I do that constantly.

MRex · 02/06/2019 11:49

@Figure8 - the man can't even be bothered to wash a bottle before using it for his baby and his "work" isn't actually bringing in money. He needs to reprioritise good time massively so that OP isn't left working full-time while looking after a baby and their home, you can hardly think it's fair or reasonable for her to be expected to continue like this? So, you see that reprioritisation of what he does is needed. Now, what if he refuses?

C8H10N4O2 · 02/06/2019 11:49

Six posts in and the OP is already being told to book herself a "lovely spa break" as the panacea for any relationship issues.

Is this a new record?

LannieDuck · 02/06/2019 11:50

If he's self-employed, does that mean he's choosing to work every weekend? How much would your finances / his business be impacted if he didn't choose to work every weekend?

How reasonable is he about such things? Will he be horrified when he realises he's left all housework/childcare to you for 2 months? Or did he plan it that way? (if the former, time to sit down and have a proper conversation. If the latter.... he's a selfish wanker, and I would question the future of the relationship.)

On the two days a week that he has his other children, does he take your two as well? So at least you get a break 2-days a week?

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 02/06/2019 11:51

Sounds a pretty one sided arrangement to me. When has he offered to take them so you can go off for a break? You mean he hasn't ? Excuse me while I faint from shock.

LannieDuck · 02/06/2019 11:51

Is he the tatting guy?

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 11:51

It's 40% udue to holidays eg school holidays he does 50 of those plus extra so his exw doesn't have to pay for holiday clubs ect. He's generally good with them and pays his maintenance on time.
He's much better with older ones. Not defending him but genuinely I wouldn't have had a child with someone who didn't see his other dc regularly and care about them.
I think it was bad planning I hope rather than anything else. I've taken time off to go away but always with ds and usually to help him out eg when he can't do childcare days that are his (nursery runs etc). Better than trapped in house at least on holiday there is a pool and animals etc to distract bbay.
I think I need to be much more assertive, his exw is and he accomadtes her ref kids so I think I just need to be much firmer. If that doesn't work then god knows!

OP posts:

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 11:53

On a side note any practical tips for housework and garden work with a youngish mobile pre toddler? I can't take my eyes off him as he's trying to walk so basically bashes himself of anything and he won't sit in a puschair/walker anymore which is what I used to do with him

OP posts:

C8H10N4O2 · 02/06/2019 11:56

On a side note any practical tips for housework and garden work with a youngish mobile pre toddler?

Yes. A huge amount of it doesn't need doing - at least not immediately.

Focus on the essentials and leave the dust to gather and the grass to grow until hobby boy gets back from his jolly.

DerelictWreck · 02/06/2019 11:57

But OP even if it's 40% it sounds like he leaves them with you to go to work/away on hobby holidays? I much time will he actually spend with them in the next 6-8 weeks given his schedule?

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 12:01

Not a lot in next 8 weeks tbf-10 days maybe. But in August he has them 3 weeks and more in October and Sept and over Xmas and New year. It evens out
They are away on holiday for half term. With maternal family anyway so the holiday coinsides with that. If that makes sense

OP posts:

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