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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp lack of availability next two months

133 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 10:20

I'm in a grump, prob as exhausted and just missed ds swimming lesson as i missed up the time!, so prob am being a bit unreasonable
Dp is away for 10 days holiday, at a hobby related thing with his dad, not child friendly at all so me and 10mth old ds are at home. I've had to take some leave to cover his normal childcare, which is fine.
I've just realised, not sure how I missed it but, he's working away every single weekend Friday to Monday(self employed) plus weekdays working as normal for the rest of the month. He has one weekend free in July where we have his other 3 dc (my dsc) then he's working away evry weekend Friday to Monday in July plus a full week away 'working' - put in commas as two days is working rest is events and beer.
I'm exhausted. I know it's work but it means I am literally am either working (I work ft) or looking after ds on my own for 2 months! I know single parents do this all the time and hats off to them, but I'm dreading it and it feels unfair.
I know I have to suck it up, but I am feeling slightly hard done by

OP posts:
croprotationinthe13thcentury · 02/06/2019 14:48

wonki he has zero incentve to change as OP he so desperate not to be single she will allow this chancer to treat her like a doormat.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 14:52

Err not really, but nice jumping to conclusions. I obviously have been single before, and I've previously been married and divorced and lived alone. It was fine.
Im just not willing to to throw away my family unit without trying to resolve issues and be reasonable. I owe that much at least to my partner and my child.

OP posts:
AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 02/06/2019 15:00

So what are you doing to resolve the issues?

What is your partner doing?

Cuppaand2biscuits · 02/06/2019 15:01

How sure can you be of where or who he is with? I'd definitely be suspecting another woman with so much time away.

EL8888 · 02/06/2019 15:02

I don't think you do need to suck it up. It sounds like a summer of hard graft and no support to me. I would be fuming. Like l say to my partner though, if it's good for the goose then it's good for the gander. What's your plan for your 10 day break? Shopping with the girls, learning a new skill, cycling holiday? In all seriousness if you can accommodate it for him, he can do it for you. Why do you need to "be more organised", it sounds like you do everything else?! He isn't making you or your child a priority, l don't see why you need to put up with it all

You talk about being reasonable but he's not. I'm confused why you post on here, defend and explain his short comings away. Then sweep stiff under the carpet and don't challenge him

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 15:09

To get an idea if I am being reasonable, pre baby I wouldn't have cared if he went away for a week. The baby changes stuff massively. And I'm100% sure of where he is, so it's a non issue.
In answer to. The what have I done. I've sat down and explained to him that it's almost 2 months, I mention the month and he pointed out it was two and said I don't think it's reasonable and if it comes up again it would be a no as it's too much time without any rest for me at all.
He's seemed okay though was you go away, I pointed out taking time. Off work to care for baby isn't a holiday regardless of where I am! He seemed to take it on bored. I've really talked to him but he seems to think my pnd is back and that's why I'm struggling as he has to work and it's normal with kids to be tierd.
Thats what I mean about job thing is like banging my head on a wall tbh, he loves his job and its his dream (his words). I don't want to force anyone to do anything. I've explained how I feel and that something needs to change.
He's agreed to have baby for a long weekend before the end of the year provided he's weaned otherwise it will be next year. Time will tell again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 15:10

(sorry that was nearly illegible due to phone issues!)

OP posts:
wonkidonki · 02/06/2019 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 15:20

I suggested counselling actually but he won't as did it with exw and didn't work. I did one session on my own and I could find the money to do more if he was willing.
Maybe he's as frustrated as I am? I ask and he's says he's happy so no idea

OP posts:
Vulpine · 02/06/2019 15:23

Now he's trying to blame your feelings on pnd?! There is no way I would have been happy with my dh going on holiday for 10 days leaving me with at 10 month old. And no way I would do that to someone else

blackcat86 · 02/06/2019 15:30

So hang on, does that mean he's still making time to look after your DSC but bowing out of the childcare he usually does for your 10 month old? You need a serious discussion with him if that's the case. On a practical note, I have a 9 month old and we've bought (2nd hand so not too pricey) a shower seat so she comes in the shower with me (we had the obligatory rolling off the bed moment) and a robo vac. I just trap the hoover in a room and let it get on with it. I also pick a task to do each evening once shes in bed so it might be cleaning a bathroom or boil washing the cats bedding. I also get all of our shopping online which helps

Boysey45 · 02/06/2019 15:36

Well your obviously not a priority at all, hes just doing as he likes.
I'd be wanting to know more about working away at the weekend as to me this smacks of bull. I'd think he has another family or woman on the go.
If your not happy then talk to him again, if he wont change then leave him.

GlossyTaco · 02/06/2019 15:36

I get the feeling that your 'pnd' would disappear if the two of you broke up.

As i said before op , when I was drained due to being in an abusive relationship I had a couple of health professionals suggest pnd. This was only because I had an 18 month old at the time as I didn't mention any wrongdoing by my exh , just the tiredness of being a mum. I felt much better when I admitted that exh was the issue and left him.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 02/06/2019 15:37

Why can’t he have your dc whilst he has his other dc? I think I read you’re breast feeding, can you express for him?

You need ‘time iff’ Otherwise your pnd ‘will’ come back. He’s being vvvu!

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 15:37

In the next two months? Yes for work reasons, he's missing 4 weekdays with our ds. He is missing one day with dsc but paying for afterschool club for them and then their mom is having them. That's the only day he is missing though.
The shower seat sounds like a good idea. He's napping now so I've prepped dinner for later of tagine, as can leave it in a pot! Stuck a load of laundry in and folded and popped clean laod away. I'm shmlessly sitting on sofa with a coffee now as I just can't face more nad don't want to wake him

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 15:39

Thank you to everyone BTW for being mostly helpful and supportive. I sound like a bit of a wet blanket but I'm really not normally!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/06/2019 15:40

Surprisingly he's found the money for this trip

That does make him sound very selfish.

Teddybear45 · 02/06/2019 15:41

It sounds like he probably lied to you about what a ‘good’ dad he was with his kids. Honestly I would suggest you leave this man child, you deserve better, but you sound like you have self-esteem issues if knowing how bad he was you chose to have kids with him anyway.

MeadowHay · 02/06/2019 17:52

these threads always make me so sad. You KNOW his behaviour is unreasonable otherwise you wouldn't have posted the thread. Everybody is here to tell you the same. And yet you ignore everyone. This man is a total wasteman and your life would be easier without him, by the sounds of things. You'd probably be financially better off alone as well depending on how much he is earning (as PP say it is not a lot).

Why do so many women continue to enable these total tosser?! It's so sad Sad.

Answeringonlyyesorno · 02/06/2019 18:37

Wouldn't the money for the trip have paid for a cleaner? Where did it come from?

CruellaFeinberg · 02/06/2019 20:40

@C8H10N4O2
Six posts in and the OP is already being told to book herself a "lovely spa break" as the panacea for any relationship issues.

The OP was told this as the 'D'P is away every weekend and she should have one to balance it out

DeeCeeCherry · 03/06/2019 03:22

he's missing 4 weekdays with our ds. He is missing one day with dsc but paying for afterschool club for them and then their mom is having them. That's the only day he is missing though

So is it the case that he's actually a good dad normally around for all his children and YABU by painting an untrue picture of him? & that he does earn a reasonable amount of money (even though you are implying that he doesn't) since he can afford to go away for what is a long time and also pay maintenance for his children?

All this, for the sake of a man. It's a lot of thinking to do isn't it. He must be made of solid 18k gold.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 03/06/2019 03:53

Deeceecherry- your post made no sense to me at all.
You can pay maintenance even on a low income, many people manage and I didn't say he was a bad dad at all. I said he was away for 2 months worth of weekends giving me zero breaks or help for that long
I don't ewally understand, was the gold comment sarcasm?
His job is all encompassingand low salery. At least if he earned a lot it would make sense though tbh it would still be very frustrating

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 03/06/2019 04:13

That's ok, OP. You've had several threads & the sum of it all doesn't make sense to me either. You complain about him a lot but say he's a good dad and in the long time he'll be away he won't actually be missing out on much time with DCs, the way it works out. So he will be around, in a way.

At least it seems that's what you're saying. Posting on a forum in ongoing fashion as you have it must be apparent to you that equally it may not be clear what you are really saying either. He seems to earn, pay CM and be a good dad hence, my wondering.

But it's your situation so, you know best. If you get it to work for you and as you say he's not missing out on all family time during this extended holiday + will actually be working too, then it's all good and worth it isn't it.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 03/06/2019 04:23

His a good dad to the dsc. He isn't here for our child. He earns but under min wage but pays a large proportion to ex, as I keep our living costs low.
He works away a lot n a lot generally for low pay n is a bit lazy.

I'm not sure how that's incomprehensible

OP posts:
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