Dp lack of availability next two months

[Spanglyprincess1]

I'm in a grump, prob as exhausted and just missed ds swimming lesson as i missed up the time!, so prob am being a bit unreasonable
Dp is away for 10 days holiday, at a hobby related thing with his dad, not child friendly at all so me and 10mth old ds are at home. I've had to take some leave to cover his normal childcare, which is fine.
I've just realised, not sure how I missed it but, he's working away every single weekend Friday to Monday(self employed) plus weekdays working as normal for the rest of the month. He has one weekend free in July where we have his other 3 dc (my dsc) then he's working away evry weekend Friday to Monday in July plus a full week away 'working' - put in commas as two days is working rest is events and beer.
I'm exhausted. I know it's work but it means I am literally am either working (I work ft) or looking after ds on my own for 2 months! I know single parents do this all the time and hats off to them, but I'm dreading it and it feels unfair.
I know I have to suck it up, but I am feeling slightly hard done by

What's the point of posting about him over and over? Everyone says to get rid of him, he's a lousy partner and dad. Then you defend him. What do you want? We can't make him change. The only thing you can do is leave him, which you won't.

Thanks. If your in a situation I think it's hard to see if your being fair or not. I was just checking as a lot of people's partners work away a lot.
I know I had pnd, so I was concerned it was skewing my view of things as I do find baby hard sometimes (as I'm sure a lot of parents do.)
Everyone is 100% correct something needs to change to make this tenable and I need to work out exactly what that is, hopefully it can be resolved as that what I want. But if it can't then I will have to face that.

Thanks to ppl who have been supportive.

OP don't allow yourself to be used like this.

You are dumped with kids that are not even yours.

Your life will be happier with just you and your baby.
He aldready had too many kids begore he met you.

Get out while you can.

A lot of people’s partners do work away, it’s true...but not for less than minimum wage ffs. I mean I know...money isn’t everything and all that...but there’s absolutely no financial justification for his absence from his family here. It’s a big old Me-fest, in which you are left to pick up his responsibilities so he can pursue his dream of earning fuck all and having fun. How nice for him.

Ehhh....looks like you’ve been smacked squarely with the shitty end of the stick.

Does he deliberately earn a low income in order to not pay much child support? I haven't read other threads.

How does he earn below minimum wage?

If a husband and father earns less than minimum wage he has no right scanning off on jollies leaving his wife to cope on her own.

Ever wonder why his first marriage broke up?

I agree with the previous comments.

This man has 4 children, earning less than minimum wage and is buggering off on holiday as a treat to himself.

He sounds a catch.

Op, his behaviour is not reasonable or normal for a parent. Hope this helps (genuinely).

Thanks it does. Sorry if I came across as a bit snappy, been a genuinely shitty morning so far and its not even 8am.
I know it isn't okay. I really do. In rl though I ahve my family etc d saying he does more than some dad's too, eg my own dad but that was on the 80's, and to try and make it work for ds.

Spanglyprincess1 But in "trying to make it work for DS* you are again educating your son theat this is an OK way for a father to behave. It isn't , and it is a dreadful role model.

If he is away for most weekends in the next 2 months how is he not missing more weekends with his other children?

The dsc are away for two weekends with maternal family then with dp for the one weekend he's free.
He didn't do eow due to work. Some months he does 3 weekends and some 1. Calsnder is agreed a year in advance - its very confusing.
So in August we have them a lot of weekends plus extra week days and again in October (not sure if that makes any sense)

It works out to roughly eow by end of the year, its bizarre but seems to work for him and exw

Hold on he works that much for minimum wage and sends most of it to his ex

His job is all encompassing and he won’t do counselling because he is happy with the way things are

He is probably a big part of your pnd and this isn’t about him as a dad it’s about him as a partner and he isn’t one

So kind of you to enable him to ‘live his best life’ and do his dream job. Which isn’t a job but appears to be a hobby with a few spends thrown in so financially doesn’t contribute to your family unit. And means he isn’t around to contribute to your family unit in other ways but gaslights you suggesting you have PND if you voice displeasure at his selfish ways.
Was this your ‘dream’ life OP? Or is only your partner allowed to dispense with all his responsibilities to follow his dream job hobby?

Why would you have 4 children and have a job where you earn less than minimum wage?

When I married DH I knew it meant a life of him flying off overseas with sometimes not much notice in an irregular pattern. I worked FT and DH carried on being his workplace main man in Asia for ten years after dc came along.

But we always had a cleaner and gardener and I maintained my own hobbies and he was very supportive of this. He did ask if he could tack on the occasional day or two extra if flying somewhere he wanted to visit, but it wasn’t that often. He does Bear Grylls type crap like canoeing down the Amazon. I have no interest in this so it meant he still got to do it.

I actually found all previous relationships suffocating I was engaged twice before but ended both due to what I feel was them being clingy.

But yours is taking holidays and earning hardly anything and you get to do nothing but work and chores. Plus you don’t want to be alone so much, I actually need it. Sounds intolerable for you.

*ictish

A lot of people’s partners do work away, it’s true...but not for less than minimum wage ffs. I mean I know...money isn’t everything and all that...but there’s absolutely no financial justification for his absence from his family here. It’s a big old Me-fest, in which you are left to pick up his responsibilities so he can pursue his dream of earning fuck all and having fun. How nice for him.*

This. My DH has an all encompassing job but it’s allowed me to take a years mat leave with no worry monies and so there’s some pay offs for the family.

If he’s staying away from his family for no benefit, only his own, he’s incredibly selfish. He’d surely be better getting an office type job and devoting some of his spare time to his hobby but much more to his family.

Wake up and smell the coffee.
He’s below min wage, gives most of it to the ex and whatever’s left he fucks off on his jollies.. How does it feel knowing you are paying for all this?
But I suspect the business is earning more than what he says.
His dream job doesn’t pay the bills. He needs to get a proper job

So he's saying you have pnd and that is why you are finding it difficult he is absent for 2months....

Ok so take him on his word. Go to your GP, tell them your situation and how you feel about it and ask if it is pnd. Then you will know without a self interest or Internet diagnosis.

Then whether it is depression or him gas lighting run with the idea... So you need to have a plan a focus to help get you straight.

Next comes the money. Assuming he is an adult, and he is working over 40 hours a week he needs to be bringing home £328.40 which is minimun wage for 40hrs.

From which he looses £37.06 in tax and NI. And should be paying £40 a week in maintenance for 3 kids - leaving £305.34 each week which should be coming into your household kitty.

If he is not bringing home £300 a week after his maintenance the. He needs to get another job. It is that simple.

Then I would look at your budget and ensure that with in that there is a morning a week with a childminder for your son. That will give you some space. If your partner can afford holidays and to work below minimum wage then he can afford to pay for that. He can also afford to pay the extra for additional childminder time to cover his childcare whilst on holidays. It seems the ex has this sorted if he pays for the other kids after school so make your kid part of his budget too.

You are not going to change him so change the way you react to him. Make him give you the space you need either by being there or paying for cover.

If you’re not usually a wet blanket reply to be honest these lovey dovey messages aren’t helping, what I want to hear is ‘honey I realise I’m away every weekend for months, I screwed up and I’m not here for you or our son. I’ll fix it. That would be lovely dovey. Not these I love yous- if I was on holiday without children I’d probably be thinking lovey dovey stuff. Instead I’m at home thinking I will leave the garden for you to do and I might never wash so much as your socks again because what do you do for us?

Littleowl - that is very sensible and practical advice. Thank you.
Changing my reaction is a good idea, I think and makes sense. I'm enabling him by taking leave. He should organise a childminder, or alternative childcare.
He doesn't earn the 300 per week after maintenence as far as I know. His living costs before maintenence and his car, eg half bills are 400 - 450 and he complains he can't afford that.

Thats iving costs a month.

“In rl though I ahve my family etc d saying he does more than some dad's too, eg my own dad but that was on the 80's, and to try and make it work for ds.”

Yes, this school of thought some people have that women ought to be grateful and appreciative of any ‘wifework’ men deign to ‘help us’ with, however scant...because it’s ‘more than some men do’.
Very dated opinion and harmful to women too.