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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay CM for him?

465 replies

MintyPickle · 02/06/2019 02:46

Name changed as outing and sensitive.

I’ve been with OH for 6 years, not married but bought a house together. When I met him he’d just got divorced, he has 3 kids (eldest in 20’s, middle now 17, youngest now 11).

He earns less than me (me £100k pa him £80k pa) We have separate accounts for personal things, I have savings, he doesn’t but we both pay into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, groceries etc. As he earns less than me and pays £1000 per month child maintenance for younger two out of his personal account (above CMS recommended amount but manageable) it works out that for him to be left with some disposable income after maintenance, car loan etc he pays £1000 each month into the joint account whereas I pay £3000.

I’ve been ok with this arrangement until now but unfortunately he has just been made redundant. I have no problem supporting him until he gets another job, but by the time I have added his £1k on top of my £3k into the joint account, we are left with very little disposable income. Again, ok, I am happy to tighten our belts. But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

The issue I have is that his ex does not work and has previously refused to look for a job, so if I don’t pay, this could well impact the kids. We have them 2 nights a week then they are at their mums 5 nights. However I am struggling with the idea of paying my savings to a woman who has done her best to make my life hell for the last few years. I was not the OW and was not even in the UK when they split up but she has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen, including the kids. Aibu to expect her to get a job rather than me spend my savings? I know he has a financial responsibility but he has paid maintenance consistently, at a good rate and has lost his job. If I wasn’t on the scene he’d have to stop paying so why should I pay?

OP posts:
soulrider · 02/06/2019 10:13

It would be good to know how much redundancy payout he got

If the company has gone into administration as the OP states, he won't have any redundancy payment yet. On an 80k salary, limited to statutory redundancy pay it's not likely to be anything close to what he'd qualify for in a redundancy situation where the employer is not insolvent.

fedup21 · 02/06/2019 10:14

What are you going to do, OP?

SkintAsASkintThing · 02/06/2019 10:18

No savings on that income is taking the piss. Hell our entire household budget is under 25k a year and we have some savings. And no, I wouldn't be paying.

givemesteel · 02/06/2019 10:18

Agree that financially he's taken advantage of you as is, he has kids, you don't so because of that major life decision to have 3 kids he's never going to have the same disposable income as someone who hasn't.

If he's qualified enough to get an £80k job he can find work and continue to support himself and his children to some extent.

He doesn't sound like a keeper so I'd be reorganising finances so you are keeping your own money for your own needs.

Drogosnextwife · 02/06/2019 10:23

I can't believe you've been OK wil him only paying 1k and you paying 3k into the joint account! He's been using your income to pay his exes for aong time because you are paying 75% of the bills freeing up his money! No you shouldn't have to pay anything, Im guessing you haven't been together very long considering the age of his youngest.

coconutpie · 02/06/2019 10:23

No way should you be paying a single penny. Your financial arrangement is already taking the piss - he only earns £20k less yet you are paying 75% of the bills. That £20k more that you earn is probably worth only £10k after tax so you are basically putting all that towards your bills.

Why do you think he should have similar personal spending money to you? He has 3 DC! Of course he should have much less personal spending money. He should be contributing equally to your joint bills and then he uses what he has left over to fund his expensive car / pay maintenance / fund his DC.

He's been taking you for a ride all this time OP.

ColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway · 02/06/2019 10:24

It looks like you need to have a serious chat with your DP OP.

Time for a reality check.

There seems to be a myth flying around that CM considers the step-parent's income if they are married. This is false. It does not. I think it used to years ago (??) but not now. That is irrelevant anyway, since you're not married - but even if you were OP, you would not be liable to pay for his children.

Hope you're ok, you've had a barrage of responses to read through.

redwoodmazza · 02/06/2019 10:25

You are NOT responsible for someone else's child!!!
He needs to report his change of circumstances and get CSM revised.

grupple · 02/06/2019 10:31

He needs to get a few money tips from his ex, if she doesn't work at all, she manages pretty well on what he you give her.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 02/06/2019 10:33

Time for ex to support her own dc I think....

Annonymiss123 · 02/06/2019 10:41

Like other posters, it’s his lack of savings baffles me. Our combined income after tax is £47,000. We’re currently saving £500 per month, which hopefully will jump to £1,000 in 12 months when youngest DC finishes uni. We still enjoy meals out and trips away.

I think he has savings he’s not telling you about OP. Don’t be taken for a fool.

Berthatydfil · 02/06/2019 10:42

I think you had been too generous in the allocation of spends to the joint pot in the first place.
His financial obligations that purely benfit him should come out of the post bills money, Eg car loan- his car not a family car and not used by you, his child support - his children not yours if you split he would still have to pay etc.
(By the way haven you thought of what would happen when the car was paid off ? )
Also discounting the above and assuming you have similar spending money each month if you have managed quite happily to save why hadn’t he -what is he spending his money on and why with 3 children and well just life, didn’t he think that he should be putting some money in savings? I think I would have to ask him to show me his last 12 months of bank and cc statements to even consider doing as he asked.
If he has been buying expensive toys like watches etc - well he can sell them and his he has a secret saving account or other investments - he can use those can’t he? And if it’s gambling or something else ... well that’s a whole different ball game.

Even after seeing his financial info and assuming he’s just a spendthrift, I wouldn’t be paying, as you have been subsidising his child support for months and you will be paying the bills and utilities while he’s out of work and that’s enough.

If him and the ex were still together both of them would have to make financial sacrifices, tighten their belts, she would need to go to work etc if he lost his job, you’re not married and the only person with a financial obligation to the children is their father.

Nanny0gg · 02/06/2019 10:43

Does he take the piss in other ways?

Are you left to do it all or is he a proper partner?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 02/06/2019 10:46

No wonder he could afford to be generous with CM when in effect you were subsidising him; I noticed you met soon after his divorce. He needs to talk to his ex and discuss how they can move forward as neither of them are working.
As someone mentioned above you could perhaps help out while he finds another job and/or receives his redundancy payment and could it be a loan?

fedup21 · 02/06/2019 10:50

I wouldn’t be spending my savings supporting their child when neither of the parents were prepared to. He won’t give you those savings back again.

He sounds like he’s been really taking advantage of you financially and it’s about to get significantly worse.

sue51 · 02/06/2019 10:51

Its not your responsibility to pay cms. Presumably he will be getting redundancy so can use this for payment till he gets another job. The ex should really start work. This DC don't need her to be sahp at their age.

Jayblue · 02/06/2019 10:52

If he has had 2.5k play money a month and hasn't got any savings, surely he must have accumulated a lot stuff with resale value eg electronics, watches, designer clothes? Can he not sell this to fund his children in the short term?

Otherwise where the hell is his money going? Does he have debts that he hasn't told you about?

If he really really has no money and nothing to sell I guess as a good will gesture I'd offer the mother a one off payment of say £1.5k to tide her over until she can find a job. I'd make it very clear this was a one off to bridge the gap whilst both parents look for work so that the children don't suffer any sudden hardship.

DreamsOfDownUnder · 02/06/2019 10:52

Surely he should only be paying for 2 of his children now? One is an adult who should be self sufficient. You say it's a bit more than what it would be through CMS - if it went through CMS it's £155 a week, a far cry from £1000pm! Another is soon to be an adult too....

DreamsOfDownUnder · 02/06/2019 10:52

Surely he should only be paying for 2 of his children now? One is an adult who should be self sufficient. You say it's a bit more than what it would be through CMS - if it went through CMS it's £155 a week, a far cry from £1000pm! Another is soon to be an adult too....

Original poster
MintyPickle · 02/06/2019 10:57

To answer a few of the questions above:

  • The CM is for 2 children - the eldest has a full time job and moved out of her mums when she was 18 so her maintenance was stopped then (he was paying £1500 per month)
  • his car loan is paid out of his £2500 personal money. He will have to sell it
  • there is no redundancy payout due to the company going into admin. Even if the administratators pay out, he worked there for less than 2 years so will get peanuts
  • He is generally crap with money. I am sure he has no savings

I’m going to talk to him today. I don’t think he’s even told his ex he has been made redundant yet so I will insist he tells her. I do think he has been taking the piss, I was happy for us both the have the same personal money but I’m not impressed that he hasn’t saved a penny!

OP posts:
Hotseat · 02/06/2019 11:00

YANBU he is. His children are his and his ex's responsibility no yours. As for joint account he should be putting in same amount as you.
Spending money and savings are a luxury that comes AFTER you pay your way. You are all ready heavily subsiding him with a 25/75 split. If he was single he would have to manage alone.
If he has 2.5k to save then he should have plenty to pay his own cm.

I'm sorry OP but he is mean with his money but flush with yours, never a good thing. I would definitely revuew your finances.
I wish you the best please take care of yourself first.

fedup21 · 02/06/2019 11:00

Does his ex ever intend to work?

Are you going to tell him you won’t be paying the CM?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 02/06/2019 11:00

He earns 80% of your salary so should put 80% of your contribution into the joint account. His children are his personal responsibility so should come out of his personal funds. If you pay £3000 he should pay £2400, or would still leave him with £1400 a month just for fun after paying his child maintenance. You'd likely then have joint savings. From £1400 a month he could easily save £4-500 and still live a nice lifestyle. Don't marry this man whatever else you do.

IndieTara · 02/06/2019 11:03

Op I think some difficult conversations need to be had

rwalker · 02/06/2019 11:04

No don't pay ,surprised at some of the response they do had the same amount of free money after outgoing seem fair. Why is there an outcry there has been a few threads where woman earns less and man asked her to pay half of everything and he was deemed tight and unfair doubled standards.