Should I pay CM for him?

[MintyPickle]

Name changed as outing and sensitive.

I’ve been with OH for 6 years, not married but bought a house together. When I met him he’d just got divorced, he has 3 kids (eldest in 20’s, middle now 17, youngest now 11).

He earns less than me (me £100k pa him £80k pa) We have separate accounts for personal things, I have savings, he doesn’t but we both pay into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, groceries etc. As he earns less than me and pays £1000 per month child maintenance for younger two out of his personal account (above CMS recommended amount but manageable) it works out that for him to be left with some disposable income after maintenance, car loan etc he pays £1000 each month into the joint account whereas I pay £3000.

I’ve been ok with this arrangement until now but unfortunately he has just been made redundant. I have no problem supporting him until he gets another job, but by the time I have added his £1k on top of my £3k into the joint account, we are left with very little disposable income. Again, ok, I am happy to tighten our belts. But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

The issue I have is that his ex does not work and has previously refused to look for a job, so if I don’t pay, this could well impact the kids. We have them 2 nights a week then they are at their mums 5 nights. However I am struggling with the idea of paying my savings to a woman who has done her best to make my life hell for the last few years. I was not the OW and was not even in the UK when they split up but she has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen, including the kids. Aibu to expect her to get a job rather than me spend my savings? I know he has a financial responsibility but he has paid maintenance consistently, at a good rate and has lost his job. If I wasn’t on the scene he’d have to stop paying so why should I pay?

I think he's using you financially, OP.

You don't make much more than he does after taxes, yet you're paying 3x what he is into a joint pot. He should have plenty of savings if he's taking home £80k a month, even after bills. He has 3 still fairly young kids. He should be putting money aside for unexpected expenses not only for them, but for himself! Where is all his money going?

I would not pay his CM for him. You're not married, you don't have that kind of relationship with him, they havej an able bodied mother who is refusing to work, even though 1st is an adult, 2nd is just about an adult at 17, and the 3rd is going into secondary if s/he's not already there. No excuse of her not to be working to support her own children, too.

Don't be bullied. Don't go into your savings. Cut expenses where you can. Tell your partner to get his CM adjusted formally and get off his butt and find a job, any job, since he couldn't be arsed to put aside money for emergencies. And this is an emergency

I would also rethink your financial splits at home if you stay with him once he starts working again.

MummyParanoia101

Most of the time it’s really nice, I feel very lucky but I still find it unsettling at times and expect someone to “take it away”.
I grew up in a financially unstable household (think feast or famine) so I was/am terrified of being homeless.

Strangely, I find now I can actually afford to do things and buy things, I am way less obsessed with “stuff”.

I’m still quite value oriented and don’t like wasting money so we try to maximise our money (Eurostar deals, set lunches at nicer restaurants, clothes in sale or discount codes)

There are still constraints obviously (we aren’t billionaires) but overall it’s wonderful so I try to enjoy it and not worry to much...

Are you absolutely sure he doesn’t have a secret savings account? I’m at a loss as to how he earns so much, contributes so little and now has no money?!

And this.

You had a huge income before, you must have enormous outgoings as the child maintenance is not that large considering his prior income. The child maintenance will be reduced to zero because of his change of circumstances but you could give the kids the option of living with you and you would cover their costs

How the f do you become tight on a 100k income, let alone 180k.

Oh yay. Someone else who can’t understand people live in a different way to them.🙄

My mortgage costs twice as much as you pay into your joint account.

The private orthotics we pay for, for DD because NHS ones are painful, cost about as much as you put into the joint account.

My petrol bill for commuting to and from work, and doing the extra running about for DD, costs about half what you put into your joint account.

If DH lost his job, these outgoings would still be necessary.

*WelshMoth

OP he sees your earning as his to spend. It's as simple as that.*

This. I’m also a bit concerned as to why he hasn’t even considered paying a reduced amount of CMS. He must have some savings and could probably offer a contribution himself.

I agree, don’t offer to maintain this outgoing, it will be a slippery slope.

Even if you were married I wouldn’t object to you supporting the kids but it’s unrealistic to have the household income slashed by such a degree and maintain the same levels of maintenance.

Whilst he’s looking for work can he help more with the children?

Wow. You've been way over paying already considering you're only on 20k more. What on earth has he been doing with 2.5k a month?!

I wouldn't pay any-even temporarily as this will set a precedent.

Your DP needs to figure this out. Completely agree that you've been subsidising his lifestyle. You need to query where his play money has gone?!

Sorry to go on but he earns 80k and has absolutely no savings.
I earn half that but have savings (I also rent in central London, have a daughter and like holidays)
Quite frankly he sounds like he is wasting away money knowing that he has you to bail him out, and I would refuse to help him. He is a grown man, he needs to find another job and contribute properly.

@Banhaha as an aunt, I've taken care of a sick niece/nephew, even taking time off work to do so to help out. I've also helped financially and practically when a parent or parents have gone through a terrible time financially.

As I said, I wouldn't see any child in my family go without - at the level of food, shelter and clothing - if I could help.

@Bungalowblues that is very true, she may have been happy with it and she definitely does have the right to reevaluate! I agree! I hadn't thought about that, being honest!

I do however, feel that she could...definitely not should, pay some towards the 11 year old.
I read on a PP that she and DP have equal spends. I disagree with this, I hadn't actually picked that bit up from the OP! That definitely isn't fair!

No no no. OP why are you paying so much more than him into the joint account when the difference is only 20k?!

You should not be paying his CM, why should you be subsiding his EX?! It's his problem, not yours. He can use his redundancy pay (assuming he has one) to pay his CM, however once he's back into work you should really look at balancing out what you put into the shared pot as you are paying over the odds and being taken for a ride in my opinion.

@Hobsbawm even if one parent is choosing not to work?
Extenuating circumstances definitely... the mother not working or helping herself would put me off.

He ‘expects’ you to pay his cm? Is he on glue?? He has zero savings despite earning a salary we’re all probably gasping at! What a twat. Just no, OP. I’d also set up my own account if I were you, so he has to ask you for money and can’t slide cash the way of the ex-wife. The child in his 20s shouldn’t be getting cm, surely?

I do think @Bungalowblues has a point.

Also I would probably pay his CM say for 3 months whilst he finds another job but have it put in paper that this is a loan and needs to be repaid as such.

It would be good to know how much redundancy payout he got - if £1k goes to his kids, and £1k continues to go to the household expenses each month, that means e.g. £10k could get him through 5 months while he secures a new job.

(The car would have to go, and assuming no spends in the interim...)

@FanjoFizz - yes! I've done that. Why should the children suffer why the adults bicker over who is responsible. As I said before, I'd expect the mother to take some responsibility too - be that getting a job now or making cut backs. But the fact she hadn't worked before wouldn't be a factor. It takes time to get a job and the children will still need to eat, in the meantime. Would people really see children in their family go without meals/decent food, etc just to make a point?

If the £1k went on extras that were nice to have or had been used to build up a decent amount savings then that would be different. If I thought my OH wasn't going to do everything he could to get a new job ASAP, that would be different. But then I honestly, wouldn't have put up with the set up the OP describes of 3:1 ratio for joint expenses and my OH having no savings. I'd have walked. So my thoughts are purely based on 2 children who still need their basic needs met right now?

Does he pay other bills out of the 2.5k of free money a month? You mention a car, does he have a loan for that? Can he sell the car and buy a much cheaper one and pay maintenance out of that? Will you have to pay for the car while he’s not earning? I would be seriously asking him if he has savings because if he had that much disposable cash then he really should have something. Does he have other debts you will have to pay such a credit cards etc? He’s going to need something like 2.5 of your money every month if he’s spending that, how’s that going to happen? Think you need to sit down and have a very honest chat about finances.

His spending money after bills and maintenance is around twice as much as my entire income How the other half live eh?

I would suggest you cover one month to enable him to get rid of the car and use that money going forward to cover CM. That way it has definite limits and prevents immediate hardship. The ex could easily sign up with an employment agency in this time and get some money coming in whilst she looks for more permanent work.

If he refuses this offer then he is definitely expecting you to be his cash cow and it isnt right.

Haven’t RTFT but YANBU, not your responsibility. He will have to tell his ex that as he has been made redundant, he currently has zero income until he finds a new job therefore can’t pay CM.

She can go to CMS but they will only say he doesn’t have to pay because how can he when he has no income. Your income doesn’t count fwiw.

Their two older kids should have jobs.

I am a bit torn on this. Because he is with you he has protection regarding food, home and lifestyle his children aren’t so lucky. I think £1000 whilst there father is redundant is too much but I would consider giving something. I would agree you can’t agree long term but a 3 and 6 month plan seems sensible.

Where is the £4000 a month in the joint account going? it seems a ridiculous portion of your incomes to be going on bills. Surely savings can be made, you must be paying for something’s which are less important than his children?

I know London is expensive but I know many people that live there on far smaller incomes than you.

OH and his wife need to take responsibility for their lives and children. If there are assets that he could sell or stop paying for, he should do it. She needs to find a job to support her own children.

You can offer your OH the support of having a roof over his head while he looks for another job. And have the children over more if that helps. But I would draw the line at you paying money to his ex for support of their children. Any agreement was between them, not you and her. They need to reconsider their choices if he can't pay.

With children to support, your OH seriously need to start saving money away to support his children over periods of unemployment. On the amount he has been earning, this should have been possible unless you have been very reckless with your joint lifestyle.

Mother chooses not to work.
Father chooses not to save - despite paying way less in bills.
Op has to pay all bills AND child maintenance - eh NOT A FUCKING HOPE!

And that aside, when he did start working again there would be a completely different divide in money too

OP, don’t start paying or you risk setting a precedent. Do you really want to be the one working so that his ex can sit on her backside all day long?