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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay CM for him?

465 replies

MintyPickle · 02/06/2019 02:46

Name changed as outing and sensitive.

I’ve been with OH for 6 years, not married but bought a house together. When I met him he’d just got divorced, he has 3 kids (eldest in 20’s, middle now 17, youngest now 11).

He earns less than me (me £100k pa him £80k pa) We have separate accounts for personal things, I have savings, he doesn’t but we both pay into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, groceries etc. As he earns less than me and pays £1000 per month child maintenance for younger two out of his personal account (above CMS recommended amount but manageable) it works out that for him to be left with some disposable income after maintenance, car loan etc he pays £1000 each month into the joint account whereas I pay £3000.

I’ve been ok with this arrangement until now but unfortunately he has just been made redundant. I have no problem supporting him until he gets another job, but by the time I have added his £1k on top of my £3k into the joint account, we are left with very little disposable income. Again, ok, I am happy to tighten our belts. But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

The issue I have is that his ex does not work and has previously refused to look for a job, so if I don’t pay, this could well impact the kids. We have them 2 nights a week then they are at their mums 5 nights. However I am struggling with the idea of paying my savings to a woman who has done her best to make my life hell for the last few years. I was not the OW and was not even in the UK when they split up but she has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen, including the kids. Aibu to expect her to get a job rather than me spend my savings? I know he has a financial responsibility but he has paid maintenance consistently, at a good rate and has lost his job. If I wasn’t on the scene he’d have to stop paying so why should I pay?

OP posts:
Densol999 · 03/06/2019 13:45

Ive just been chatting to my fella about this. He earns £38,000 and has been paying £880 a month to his ex ! Thats left him with £1500 a month for two years and with her 16 hours working income, working tax credits, child tax credits and child benefit her income is £2600 per month and the matrimonial home mortgage is HALF his proposed rent costs - he lives at his parents.

Of course Ive been subsidising him. I earn £135k - when we marry Ive accepted there is no way he'll be paying half of anything. Its the choice Ive made.

He's just stopped the extra child maintenance and now pays around £450 a month as the huge amount was crippling him. I dont want any money from him. Id rather he spent that directly on the children, but I can say if he lost him job ( he's a fireman) there is NO WAY HOSE that Id be paying his £450 a month CMS ! Thats a totally ridiculous suggestion. Did he really propose you pay that for him ? Is he so spineless towards his ex wife

Your DH ex is going to have to get a job like countless full time working mothers do. Why are divorced mothers treated like little fragrant flowers in divorce finances ! Its pathetic. I worked full time since I was 16 and managed to bring up two fine lads

No guilt for you OP - just say no and when he gets a new job work out a fair ( not necessarily equal) division of your expenses.

Namechangeymcnamechange11 · 03/06/2019 13:59

I am amazed that someone with enough about them to have an 80k salary has neglected to save. Are you sure op? Are you sure he's not hiding it from you?
Do not pay his CM. This is his responsibility. Also, his ex should have planned for this eventuality.

I agree with pps that your way of splitting your household finances is unfair to you, but that's not the subject of your query.

Your DP is incredibly irresponsible in how he is dealing with the situation and with what he has planned for. Personally I think it'd put me off!

TanMateix · 03/06/2019 14:42

I would assume that getting back to work after years at home is always a choice.

After such a gap in employment hardly any one would give you a job. It could be your skills are up to date or you are overqualified if you ask for junior positions. Ageism, is another one, nobody wants to give a junior role to an older woman, as they cannot boss a 40+ in the same way they do a young person in their late teens or twenties.

TanMateix · 03/06/2019 14:50

Good grief... it is NOT always a choice to work or not.

After years at home your skills are out of date, you have no recent experience, finding job references might be a nightmare and if you are highly educated it can be even worse as you may be overqualified, with old skills and no one to vouch for your recent abilities.

You cannot even get to be taken seriously for junior roles as you are either to old to boss around or overqualified.

If you add to that a huge lack of professional confidence that may have grown slowly in you after so many years at home.. you are highly unemployable.

I do still think, however, that with the exception of caring for special needs or sick relatives, be a long term SAHM is madness.

ichifanny · 03/06/2019 15:31

It’s really tough shit if the ex wife can’t get work , the children are grown and she can’t rely on her ex to pay her way through life forever . Short of child maintainance you have no obligation towards her .

jackstini · 03/06/2019 15:35

What did he say Minty?

linoleum · 03/06/2019 15:38

WTF has he been doing with his 2.5k ‘personal money’ each month then? Surely he’s put some aside for the kids?? OP this is a wake up call for you I think, he is financially irresponsible and is taking you for a ride. Never mind paying CM, you’ve been supporting the kids out of your household money for ages already through your much higher contribution.

Mitzimaybe · 03/06/2019 15:49

Agree with practically everyone else - you've already been too generous to him. DH and I pay in to a bills account in proportion to our wages so we have the same proportion of our income as personal money but in cash terms I have more. In your case that would mean you paying 5/9 of the bills and him paying 4/9. His child maintenance should then come out of his personal money.

No way should you pay child maintenance. Like everyone else, I can't understand where the rest of his money has been going if he's only been paying out £2k per month on a salary of £80k.

CanILeavenowplease · 03/06/2019 18:27

Why has this turned into a ‘all about the ex’ thread? Her working status has no bearing whatsoever on her ex’s responsibility towards his children. The idea that she should have planned for this is ludicrous - none of us know what’s round the corner and you can’t insure someone else’s income. If anything the OP’s partner should have had income protection insurance to deal with job loss to help protect both himself, his new partner and his children. It’s not like he’s been living on the breadline, is it? Whether the ex should be in work is by the by, that’s not the focus of this thread.

CruellaFeinberg · 03/06/2019 20:12

@Iputthescrewinthetuna your DP sounds like a really wonderful person! Keep hold of him

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 03/06/2019 21:11

@CruellaFeinberg thank you, he is and I shall tell him that he isn't the 'average step parent'
I gave my first reply as someone thinking of what DP has done for me and DD! He is a lovely man.

RagingWhoreBag · 04/06/2019 09:34

I am amazed that someone with enough about them to have an 80k salary has neglected to save. Are you sure op? Are you sure he's not hiding it from you?. I know someone on more than this who doesn’t have any plan for their money, just buys nice things and leaves what’s spare in their current account. It’s not unheard of for someone to get to such a high salary and still not be financially savvy.

stanski · 04/06/2019 20:12

How did it go OP?

IggyAce · 05/06/2019 18:25

@MintyPickle I hope the chat went well and that you are ok.

Original poster
MintyPickle · 05/06/2019 23:51

Been an interesting couple of days. Following lots of your responses, and thinking on my part, I told him I wasn’t paying his ex a penny. Didn’t go down well and nor did my quizzing him about any savings he should have. He is crap with money, he’s been earning at that level for a while and never had much to show for it but he genuinely has no savings. After much debate I feel like I’ve been taken for a total fool and feel like he’s been utterly irresponsible. He also has no pension provision and is incapable of any financial planning. I can’t live with him feeling like I’m just his cashpoints so despite his ongoing declarations of how much he loves me, I’ve told him I want out. When we bought the house 4 years ago, I put in all of the deposit, and it was a big deposit due to equity I had from a previous house (legally protected thank god). So since I’ve alsi been paying more than my fair share of the mortgage for the last 4 years, I’ve offered him £5k to get out and get his name off the deeds. So far he is accepting this and has gone to stay at his mums. I’m seeing solicitor or Friday to get this sorted. Not what I wanted as I do love him, but I can’t live with feeling like I’m taken for granted.

OP posts:
RagingWhoreBag · 06/06/2019 00:11

Oh Minty, you know its for the best, but such a hard decision when you still love someone. Thank goodness you protected your investment as he clearly isn't someone you should be financially entangled with! Flowers

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 06/06/2019 00:21

Oh Op, that's so hard but sounds like you've made the right decision as he sounds like a total reckless loser. Stay strong!

TanMateix · 06/06/2019 00:22

I’m sorry it has come to this but I’m sure that once the shock of the change wears off, you will feel much better. You have been carrying a heavy load for a long time Flowers

Original poster
MintyPickle · 06/06/2019 00:27

I just feel like an utter mug.

OP posts:
cstaff · 06/06/2019 00:41

Minty you are not a mug, just a good generous person. It just took him taking the absolute piss this time for you to realise the extent of his behaviour. I am so sorry it has come to this. Flowers . Look after yourself for a while. Be selfish and give yourself a break.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 06/06/2019 00:51

Well done you!! It takes guts to put yourself first and walk away. I'm in the process of doing just that and it's not an easy thing to do even when you're certain you're doing the right thing. Fingers crossed he takes his pay out and goes quietly.

I'm still utterly baffled how someone earning so much can have no savings or pension provision and not see an issue with this.

CalmdownJanet · 06/06/2019 00:56

Please don't feel like a mug. Had you posted here, read all the advice, ignored your instincts and then continued you would be a mug but you didn't. Don't be hard on yourself. I really hope all works out for you, I really think you have made the right decision

Notanidiot · 06/06/2019 01:12

As others have said you have made the right decision. You deserve a partner that respects you and treats you fairly, financially as well as emotionally. He didn't.

Before you do anything else you need to change your locks straight away. He may have agreed to the £5000 now but he could change his mind and do anything given the chance.

wibbletooth · 06/06/2019 07:01

Glad to see your recent update - it sounds like a very well spent £5k!

I know lots of people have been saying about the split in your wages in fraction before but I was struck by the actual £ amounts.

You were paying £24k more of your net salary into the joint account. That would be what - about £34-36k of actual salary, compared to about £17-18k of his actual salary.

The difference in your earnings was £20k of gross salary. You were paying more than that difference in leaving you with less than he had despite earning more. Did you ever end up paying more when out for a meal or holiday etc on the basis that you earned more too?

Sounds like he was one of those people that thought along the lines of what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine too.

If he had had any decency he would have never have accepted your offer of paying more monthly - especially as you were both earning plenty. The fact he accepted shows he was money grabbing.

You’re going to feel like you had a pay rise now he has gone!

Qweenbee · 06/06/2019 07:07

That's so sad. How can someone earning that much make no provision for a pension? He's going to have a huge shock adjusting to life on a state pension.

Good luck for your own future Flowers