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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay CM for him?

465 replies

MintyPickle · 02/06/2019 02:46

Name changed as outing and sensitive.

I’ve been with OH for 6 years, not married but bought a house together. When I met him he’d just got divorced, he has 3 kids (eldest in 20’s, middle now 17, youngest now 11).

He earns less than me (me £100k pa him £80k pa) We have separate accounts for personal things, I have savings, he doesn’t but we both pay into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, groceries etc. As he earns less than me and pays £1000 per month child maintenance for younger two out of his personal account (above CMS recommended amount but manageable) it works out that for him to be left with some disposable income after maintenance, car loan etc he pays £1000 each month into the joint account whereas I pay £3000.

I’ve been ok with this arrangement until now but unfortunately he has just been made redundant. I have no problem supporting him until he gets another job, but by the time I have added his £1k on top of my £3k into the joint account, we are left with very little disposable income. Again, ok, I am happy to tighten our belts. But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

The issue I have is that his ex does not work and has previously refused to look for a job, so if I don’t pay, this could well impact the kids. We have them 2 nights a week then they are at their mums 5 nights. However I am struggling with the idea of paying my savings to a woman who has done her best to make my life hell for the last few years. I was not the OW and was not even in the UK when they split up but she has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen, including the kids. Aibu to expect her to get a job rather than me spend my savings? I know he has a financial responsibility but he has paid maintenance consistently, at a good rate and has lost his job. If I wasn’t on the scene he’d have to stop paying so why should I pay?

OP posts:
Emily1091 · 02/06/2019 20:27

No I wouldn’t pay for them. Not because she has bad mouthed but they aren’t your children and if you wasn’t on the scene he wouldn’t pay and I think he is asking far too much to say you will cover his bills and also child maintenance at £1000 not to mention using your savings.

If you feel obligated to pay, pay a reduced amount. I assume she will get some kind of benefit not working so give her £200 maximum for both children, I’m sure the grief she will give him about her ‘new’ amount will kick start him to find a job in record time. And make sure he repays you

Hope things work out for you

Xmas2020 · 02/06/2019 20:38

@Oldbutstillgotit how do you know she sits at home all day? Its people like you who give The DWP a bad name. Hmm

WitchesGlove · 02/06/2019 20:45

If his ex doesn’t work, what does she live off?

They can’t all live off £1K a month maintenance

JessieTalamasca · 02/06/2019 20:52

It's neither here nor there how his ex lives. He's your partner not her. He's not going to get a job because you keep subbing him and mugging you off. Dipping into your savings for him to meet his obligations to your kids is so far beyond contemplation it's unreal. Why would you even consider it? You have to provide for yourself in life. Bet you London to a brick if you lost your job he'd not be stepping up to sub you but expect you to use your savings to pay up.

I'm also willing to bet he's socking away behind your back whilst you pay up the bulk of everything.

Jamiefraserskilt · 02/06/2019 20:56

So he earns less than you, has additional responsibilities and you have enabled him to have the same spending money as you by paying in three times his contribution? Wow. He should bin the car and buy something cheaper, cut back on his spending and you should:
A) not pay his maintenance, that gravy train is not your responsibility and
B) reassess his contribution when he gets back to work so it is better balanced.

CruellaFeinberg · 02/06/2019 20:56

@MintyPickle hows it going? did you manage to make any sense of it all?

billy1966 · 02/06/2019 21:02

@7yo7yo

Exactly 👍

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/06/2019 02:20

As others have pointed out....You've been indirectly subsidising his kids for years...enabling him to spend his money on what he fancies.....while you are spending up to your maximum through savings /house bills etc etc. ..and he gets to behave like a very well paid teenager....

He's really got it peachy hasn't he....

Massive personal spending money and a girlfriend who is paying 3 x what he is...so effectively subsidising his kids and enabling his ex to do sweet FA.

I think he's either massively irresponsible or he's got an account tucked away somewhere....on that salary he shouldn't need to ask you to sub his contribution further..fuck that...he should have his own savings to do this....and address with his ex partner the idea of her /them actually get work. ..I think the idea of buying him out and then letting him perhaps rebuy it as and when

Oshe · 03/06/2019 04:37

@Iputthescrewinthetuna I think there's a difference between supporting step children while they're in your household and sending money to your partner's (voluntarily unemployed) ex so she can run her own household. It sounds like your child's dad had a very very low income. Would you have found it reasonable to ask your partner to send your ex money to help finance his contact time so your child didn't miss out?

Bookworm4 · 03/06/2019 05:08

With DC of 11 & 17 their mother should have a job, is she living off benefits and CM? Him and her are CFs.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 03/06/2019 05:54

@Oshe, I wouldn't ask my partner to do anything like that! However, he did. When Ex has been particularly ill and has called to say he can't have DD due to having low energy (this was a few years ago before his health deteriorated further) DP would occasionally cook a meal for them, a renal diet meal so DD and Ex can spend time together.
When Ex ran out of savings, (Ex did have money of his own but ran out as money does) DP gave petrol money, food money so DD could see her dad...all offered never asked for.
When Ex was spending Xmas day alone DP refused to see my DD sad, he invited ex into our home for food and to spend time with his Daughter. He has given ex a few quid to buy my DD a certain xmas present she really wanted but ex couldn't afford.

None of this has ever been asked of DP, he just does what he can to make my DD smile. But, this is where PPs have said that my situation is very different! The mother of the OPs step children is lazy, the father of my DD is dying. My DD is not even a teen yet. She has lived all her life thinking her dad wouldn't see her start secondary school. She starts in Sept! So, as PPs have correctly stated, its incomparable. Things change hugely when there is an ill parent, My DP will do anything to facilitate his step daughter seeing her daddy! He loves her so much, we have 2 DDS together, he treats my eldest no different to his own. He knows one day my DDS heart will be shattered into pieces, right now all we can do, and DP has made himself a part of, is to give my DD and Ex the time they need, DD will one day be without her daddy, neither DP or I believe a moment should be wasted, and as the adults in DDs life we need to make a hard situation easier on her. Do I expect or would I ask DP to fo any of the above, not at all. He has done it out of compassion. Again, in Ops situation there is bo reason for compassion, there is laziness an reliance at play in the situation.

After typing all of this I need to go and say thank you to my DP, sometimes I forget how truly lovely he is!

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 03/06/2019 07:58

Please come back and tell us you aren't paying, OP.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 03/06/2019 08:27

Yes pls OP come back and tell us how it's going

titchy · 03/06/2019 08:49

Wow! How does a woman get to be savvy enough to earn £100k, but not spot the cock lodger under her nose?!

fedup21 · 03/06/2019 08:54

Has the OP vanished? Please tell me this wasn’t a just made up Blush

Spiceupyourlife · 03/06/2019 09:12

🤔 I’m alwats shocked by the amount of unmarried people who believe they’re liable to pay their DP’s CM.

Surely this should be VERY obvious, are they your children? No. Are you in any way legally tied to them? No. If you and DP split tomorrow would you have ANY right to ever see the kids again? No.... so you have no legal obligation what so ever to pay for them. You aren’t a biological or legal feature in their lives!

The ONLY time this is different is if you’re making a choice as a couple for the parent to not work- for example if you’re a high earner so your DP becomes a SAHP to your own mutual children...then it’s obvs not fair that his ex miss out financially. Unless DP also offers free FT childcare for her too).

Scorpvenus1 · 03/06/2019 10:44

I agree OP

Don't pay his maintenance. She has not been a good person and no decorum. Id say he has to tell CSA he is now redundant and your earnings are not his.

FanjoFizz · 03/06/2019 11:59

@Spiceupyourlife even married people aren’t liable to pay CMS unless the child is biologically theirs

fortheloveofgodsake · 03/06/2019 12:11

I'm just 😮 at his CFuckery!!!

FizzyGreenWater · 03/06/2019 12:27

Jesus Christ he has already been absolutely taking you for a ride... so if he's been stupid enough not to save a penny on top even when you've already been VERY HEAVILY subsidising him and therefore his kids, then that's his lookout. (PS - if you've only got his word for it that there are no savings then I'd also consider that that might very well not be entirely the truth).

As for the equal spending... why? You have no dependants. He does. That's a lifestyle difference that he enjoys the benefits of - being a father - whereas you don't have that. You, on the other hand, should be enjoying the benefit of not having those dependants, and more disposable income. But no - the setup has been adjusted so that poor ickle man is protected from the downside of his own choices, at your expense. You can't possibly have more fun than him, I guess. So - all the way through, you've already been 'paying' his CM, and for his life choices in general. You've already done it, for years. 75/25 split? What a fucking joke!!!!

Ghostontoast · 03/06/2019 12:33

If the shoe was on the other foot - suppose it were you rather than him who lost their job and you paid money to help-out a sick relative - would he pay the bills and help out your relative too or would he he say no?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/06/2019 12:44

Flip me no! Hope your chat went well!

1moremum · 03/06/2019 12:51

Nope, those children have to presumably healthy parents and their support is not up to you. You can support him as long as you want but his kids and his ex are clearly not your problem.

1moremum · 03/06/2019 12:52

TWO not to

1moremum · 03/06/2019 13:01

@spice, I think some people see it as part of the same reasoning that reduces benefits if a partner moves into the home of a single parent. Logically, if that partner's presence and presumed income matter, then partners like OP should expect their income to be considered when CM is figured. both of them are not parents to the children in question, yet one matters and the other doesn't.