Should I pay CM for him?

[MintyPickle]

Name changed as outing and sensitive.

I’ve been with OH for 6 years, not married but bought a house together. When I met him he’d just got divorced, he has 3 kids (eldest in 20’s, middle now 17, youngest now 11).

He earns less than me (me £100k pa him £80k pa) We have separate accounts for personal things, I have savings, he doesn’t but we both pay into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, groceries etc. As he earns less than me and pays £1000 per month child maintenance for younger two out of his personal account (above CMS recommended amount but manageable) it works out that for him to be left with some disposable income after maintenance, car loan etc he pays £1000 each month into the joint account whereas I pay £3000.

I’ve been ok with this arrangement until now but unfortunately he has just been made redundant. I have no problem supporting him until he gets another job, but by the time I have added his £1k on top of my £3k into the joint account, we are left with very little disposable income. Again, ok, I am happy to tighten our belts. But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

The issue I have is that his ex does not work and has previously refused to look for a job, so if I don’t pay, this could well impact the kids. We have them 2 nights a week then they are at their mums 5 nights. However I am struggling with the idea of paying my savings to a woman who has done her best to make my life hell for the last few years. I was not the OW and was not even in the UK when they split up but she has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen, including the kids. Aibu to expect her to get a job rather than me spend my savings? I know he has a financial responsibility but he has paid maintenance consistently, at a good rate and has lost his job. If I wasn’t on the scene he’d have to stop paying so why should I pay?

Wow, you've been had OP. The fact that your DP is prepared to see you subside kids that aren't yours is telling . Why are you with him?

You've already been paying the CM, just indirectly.

I am intrigued by the mothers plans when the youngest hits 18.

She has put herself in a very vulnerable position - and £1k isn’t a lot to live off per month - particularly with two children at home. She won’t be able to save much for retirement.

Her ex seems to think this is very generous - it’s just about what he would legally have to pay.

A big mess.

No, I wouldn't as a GF pay child support for my BFs children, especially not when their other parent doesn't work. They would both be taking serious advantage if you did so.

I'd expect my BF to find another job asap to cover his half of the bills and continue his child support payments,

So he's been paying 1k to ex and 1k to joint account while you've been paying 3k to joint account??

And you've both had 2.5k personal money after that and he's NO savings whatsoever??!

What the bloody hell does someone spend 2.5k on EVERY month to have nothing left to put away?? (Misses basic point of thread, sorry!!).

@ragingwhorebag. As someone who has just retired after 30+ years in DWP ( and its forerunners) , the last few as a Work Coach Team Leader I know the system pretty well.
The ex or one of the DC might have health / caring responsibilities which allow her to claim benefits . She might be doing the token work search but not being successful . We don’t know however what I DO know is that for every genuine claimant there is one is taking the piss.
HRH

I agree he shouldn't be asking you to pay. maintenance is in my opinion to keep the children in the same boat if the parents had been together. So if they were still together, what would they do?

Also agree that on 80k, 1000 a month maintenance doesn't sound loads to start with and what the hell is he spending all his cash on if he doesnt have savings (unless you have a huge mortgage).

You could always see as a gesture if there is anything practical you could help out with. For example if the 17 year old was ready to take a driving test soon and needed a few more lessons you could get these, or a travel pass for a month or pay for clubs for the younger one or something so that the kids lives are disrupted as little as possible. If you wanted to. But you're not married, you're not their family, you are not responsible for paying for them.

I've seen some PPs suggesting you make him a loan to tide your DP over until he gets things sorted out. If (IF!) you do you should ensure you get this legally formalised as a loan to be paid by a date you decide, rather than a gift, as he has clearly shown that he is irresponsible with money - yours as well as his.

I would certainly also reduce the amount you put into the joint account as well as your outgoings for the period he is out of work and the two of you cut back unnecessary expenses - such as his car, and the amount of CM will need to come from his sale of his assets as well as his Ex going out and earning a living. Don't enable him any more.

I hope you are able to have that tough conversation sooner rather than later.

@MintyPickle you sound so nice and reasonable. He is very lucky to share a life with someone like you.
I do think you are paying far more than you should. His ex gets paid more than enough not to work that's up to her but shouldn't impact on your finances.
I think it's extremely bold to not only live of you until he gets a job but asks for you to pitch in to support HIS children.
I'll be stabilising some rules to make or break.
You are entitled to save as much as you want without feeling pressure to support his children.
Him and his ex should move their backsides and find work ASAP.
He is being very cheeky to put it politely.

It’s not your place to step in to support his children. The support is between him and his ex, it’s her turn to step up and actually do a days work like the rest of us.

No chance he tells her he can't pay as his not earning even ms won't expect you to pay it

@Iputthescrewinthetuna your situation was very difficult and different.
Here are two healthy adults that can and should work not expect money from the OP. She does a lot as is.

@BlueJag maybe you are right and my opinion is warped by my own personal situation. The majority of people are clearly seeing something I am not. I do see how OP's financial situation has been taken for granted though!
As I said in my first post, I am looking from a different perspective, maybe I looked from my own perspective and not in a 'normal' situations perspective.

He was earning £80K and able to share living costs with someone earning even more.
He knew that he has children.
And yet he saving nothing for the rainy day that is now pissing down.

I’d actually leave him. I couldn’t fancy someone so utterly fucking irresponsible.

I earn the same as what he has to put in the pot and pay CM. I still manage to save money for a rainy day plus I am a single parent and have a mortgage. He has royally been taking the piss. He is a massive CF and I'd be leaving him for his attitude.

How did it come up when you found out that he expected you to pay it OP? What did he say? Did you ask why he thought that you should be paying?

Buy him out of the house, give him a lump
Sum and he can use that. It should give him enough to live on till he gets a job.
You then have your home as security.
When he gets a job and saves he can buy his share of your home Back.
Arrogant CF.
Your already subsidising him!

^buy him out and fuck off this CF twat.

@MintyPickle honest to god Op you need to put your foot down or leave he is a CF at best!

Buy him out of the house, give him a lump sum and he can use that

Excellent advice, look OP you have being paying 3,000 a month into the joint account to his 1,000 so over a year you are subsidising his standard of living by 12,000 as standard.

Now he wants you to cover all the home costs and his maintenance so subsiding him by 24,000 a year plus CM. He is having you on, you are paying three times the amount into the joint account but is this reflected in the percentage of house you will end up owning or is that 50/50 even though you are paying 75% of the expenses? Think to start thinking with your wallet not your heart.

Wow! Is he ever conning you.

But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

Haha! Nope. FUCK that. He expects, does he? I'd buy him out and cut him loose. He's swizzing you.

Yeah, pay his CM for him why not 🙄

@Iputthescrewinthetuna I feel that your situation was very different and also needs to be viewed with compassion as your ex is a very poorly man.
You have a very different set up and I can see that you have a very special partner too.
The OP it's really supportive and has been for 6 years but this is taking advantage as the kids have 2 healthy parents.

I earn slightly less than your dp. I’m a single parent to two dc, I also over pay my mortgage, save £400 per month in a pension and put £500 a month away for holidays and emergency fund. Plus pay all the bills. Wtf is he doing with all his money.

He’s been taking the kids op

I personally think he has shafted you and lied about his ex. On his salary, The Cm calculator states £867 for 2 kids. So him paying a £1000 probably means outstanding arrears. And as for everyone slating his ex, she has brought 3 kids up on her own on 1Grand a month whilst her ex has wasted 3 times more than that per month.