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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay CM for him?

465 replies

MintyPickle · 02/06/2019 02:46

Name changed as outing and sensitive.

I’ve been with OH for 6 years, not married but bought a house together. When I met him he’d just got divorced, he has 3 kids (eldest in 20’s, middle now 17, youngest now 11).

He earns less than me (me £100k pa him £80k pa) We have separate accounts for personal things, I have savings, he doesn’t but we both pay into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, groceries etc. As he earns less than me and pays £1000 per month child maintenance for younger two out of his personal account (above CMS recommended amount but manageable) it works out that for him to be left with some disposable income after maintenance, car loan etc he pays £1000 each month into the joint account whereas I pay £3000.

I’ve been ok with this arrangement until now but unfortunately he has just been made redundant. I have no problem supporting him until he gets another job, but by the time I have added his £1k on top of my £3k into the joint account, we are left with very little disposable income. Again, ok, I am happy to tighten our belts. But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

The issue I have is that his ex does not work and has previously refused to look for a job, so if I don’t pay, this could well impact the kids. We have them 2 nights a week then they are at their mums 5 nights. However I am struggling with the idea of paying my savings to a woman who has done her best to make my life hell for the last few years. I was not the OW and was not even in the UK when they split up but she has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen, including the kids. Aibu to expect her to get a job rather than me spend my savings? I know he has a financial responsibility but he has paid maintenance consistently, at a good rate and has lost his job. If I wasn’t on the scene he’d have to stop paying so why should I pay?

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 02/06/2019 11:49

"Why is there an outcry there has been a few threads where woman earns less and man asked her to pay half of everything and he was deemed tight and unfair doubled standards.*

But he's not paying half, he's paying 25%. And he's not a low earner, he was on £80,000!

I think the double standards here are that the expects women to do the bulk of the childcare for his dc's and also to subsidize him so that he's not financially inconvenienced by them. Heaven forbid his responsibilities mean that he has less spending money than his childfree higher earning girlfriend.

AlexaAmbidextra · 02/06/2019 11:51

but to send £300ish if you can afford it

Fuck that. Why on earth should OP send money to the ex-wife who’s been sitting on her lazy arse for years?

RagingWhoreBag · 02/06/2019 11:58

Are you actually sure the mother doesn’t have a job?

The £1k a month CM won’t go far towards the expenses of a 2 adults and 2 teenagers and if she’s not working or looking for work she won’t be entitled to any benefits, unless she’s disabled or in some way unable to work?

How the fuck has she been living on just this money and presumably some child benefit for the last xx years without working at all?

starzig · 02/06/2019 12:00

You are not responsible for his kids
It should be on his income which is zero.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 02/06/2019 12:00

Sorry OP, but I think it's very telling that he is asking you to pay for his kids instead of getting his arse straight down to every single recruitment agency to get whatever work he can to pay for his kids whilst looking for another job at the same level. IF he were doing that I think it would be fair enough to ask you IF YOU'D MIND paying tightening both your belts so he could pay for the kids whilst you paid most of the household bills.

But then if he was that kind of a bloke he would have had savings to make sure his kids never went without.

Have to ask as well as subsidising his maintenance whilst he squanders £k's per month are you also paying more than your share for a house big enough for his kids eg if you have a 5 bed instead of a 2 bed to (rightly) make sure there's enough room for his kids surely you should only be paying 1/5 of the mortgage....

Idontwanttotalk · 02/06/2019 12:01

@Anniegetyourgun

"His spending money after bills and maintenance is around twice as much as my entire income shock How the other half live eh?"
So what? How is this a helpful comment to the OP?

@Lucked

"Where is the £4000 a month in the joint account going? it seems a ridiculous portion of your incomes to be going on bills. Surely savings can be made, you must be paying for something’s which are less important than his children?"
Mortgage? They could live in a very expensive area which may take a sizeable chunk of this. Mortgage + bills in London could easily achieve this and more.

Why should the OP try and cut down on her bills? She can afford her bills. She just doesn't want to pay for her DP's children because they are not her responsibility and because his ex refuses to get a job. Why should she pay for his kids when their own mother can't be bothered to?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/06/2019 12:01

Not your business, not your responsibility, and his ex working/not working has nothing to do with this, your DP still has to pay CM regardless.

No. He doesn’t. He has no income. He owes no CM.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/06/2019 12:05
Shock
Idontwanttotalk · 02/06/2019 12:09

*@Drogosnextwife"

"Im guessing you haven't been together very long considering the age of his youngest"

In the first post OP says "I've been with OH for 6 years, not married but bought a house together."

kaytee87 · 02/06/2019 12:09

@RagingWhoreBag she might get other benefits.

cochineal7 · 02/06/2019 12:10

He has three kids paid for by his ex and his gf. Because he somehow should not have to pay from his spending money of 2,500 per month (bills paid). Of which he has saved zero. Really?

Di11y · 02/06/2019 12:20

I think you should try hard to reduce your joint bills and send at least 300-500 to the ex for at least a couple of months.

Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 12:24

No she doesn't. He has to. I assume at that income he has assets like the expensive car which he could sell if he wnats to give ex maintenance for the two children, third is an adult.
Life changes things move on and maintenance isn't a constant. People loose jobs etc and people have to manage it isn't his gf responsibility moral or legal to pay for his children.

Oldbutstillgotit · 02/06/2019 12:26

As the ex doesn’t work I assume she receives Tax Credits / Universal Credit so the CM will be extra on top of that . Not bad for sitting at home !

theworldistoosmall · 02/06/2019 12:29

Nope, I wouldn't pay. He needs to be a grown-up, talk to the ex and let her know he hasn't got a job, and get a job even if it's agency whilst he's looking for his ideal job.

He has savings. He just doesn't want to spend them. Simply ask him why he doesn't use it. if he hasn't saved, chances are he will also want half of your personal money.

The mum and kids will be fine. Not working she will be getting benefits. They won't be just living on the maintenance.

When he gets another job, I would be re-evaluating the bill split. His car is his issue, same with mobiles etc. He wants more personal spends, well he needs to look at how he can earn more. And why should you work your arse off to subside him?

At least you haven't married him, so he won't be able to claim your savings, assets, pension etc.

sue51 · 02/06/2019 12:33

Not telling the ex that he has been redundant and can no longer pay maintenance is very wrong. She needs to know asap so she can handle the drop in income and get a job. If he signs on, he can at least pay a few quid a week.

Drogosnextwife · 02/06/2019 12:41

Blush I thought the OP said the youngest was 1yo. Sorry OP.

EileenAlanna · 02/06/2019 12:41

Does his ex have family of her own - parents, siblings etc? They should be her first port of call in this situation. While her ex is out of a job he can't pay her CM & it's up to her, her family etc to step up not you, or anyone else not related to their children.

LadyRannaldini · 02/06/2019 12:53

Surely, OP can help for a month or 2!

And further enable her to sit on her backside rather than get a job to help support their children? No way, not a penny.

WelshMoth · 02/06/2019 12:55

Lots of assumptions being made on this thread.

OP - you have a tough conversation ahead with your DP. Part of me wants to say he'll understand and start cutting his cloth accordingly, but the other part of me is saying brace yourself.

Good luck.

Frankola · 02/06/2019 12:56

I would love 100k a year joint income. Never mind 180k! Lucky you.

It absolutely isn't your responsibility to pay his CM though.

Tell him to get a job asap to cover his bills

MummytoCSJH · 02/06/2019 12:58

Why should he have a similar amount of personal money when he isn't earning anything Confused I understand he's been made redundant and it wasn't really his choice but he'll have to get another job. Don't have to pay child maintenence for children that aren't yours.

plinkyblonk · 02/06/2019 12:59

No they aren't your responsibility overall! Yes you probably care about them but it's your DH and his ex that should be sorting this out. DH finding a job as quickly as he can so he can support them and the ex needs to get a job to support them in the meantime. If she makes life difficult get your DH to go through official channels and contact CMS they can calculate what He should be paying fairly right now it would be £0 as he's not working. When he get a job they can recalculate .

Dippypippy1980 · 02/06/2019 13:31

I am shocked he had no plans in place for his children incase this happened.

He also wasn’t paying more than he needed to - £1000 per month is about right on his salary Level.

He and his ex wife need to sit down and plan what they can do together to support their children. There should be no assumption that you will step up - this is not your responsibility.

He is an entitled arse.

RagingWhoreBag · 02/06/2019 13:32

As the ex doesn’t work I assume she receives Tax Credits / Universal Credit so the CM will be extra on top of that . Not bad for sitting at home !

Careful, your ignorance is showing!

You don’t get benefits with kids of that age - once the youngest is as school you HAVE to work or be shown to be actively looking for work, applying for many jobs and prove that you’re spending time job seeking. They don’t hand out benefits like sweeties to feckless lazy fuckers who just don’t want to work. Get your facts straight. No wonder benefit claimants get such a hard time when this is what some of you think! There are hoops and hurdles to jump through at regular intervals and UC in particular is a really shitty system that makes it very difficult for people who work part time with irregular hours to get any reliable money. Stop believing everything you see on Jeremy Kyle and try to understand that the majority of people claiming benefits are IN WORK albeit low paid work and that claiming out of work benefits is not as simple as just saying you don’t want to get a job.