To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

[coco123456789]

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

I think you need to arrange marriage counselling.

At this stage you are wanting very different paths.

Whatever you decide to do, one of you will be doing something they don't really want to do. And if the marriage collapses in the near future, that person will justificably feel resentful and there will be real life altering personal sacrifices as well.

I think you need to see if you can come together as a couple again. Really look at each other and see what you envisage in the coming years.

But it's the OP who has said that none of those are options

Well then she’s talking total nonsense too.

If you stay in London there is really no need to waste money on private schools. There’s a massive saving there.

I would love counseling but DH doesn’t believe in talking, therapy or mental health issues. Thinks people just need to get on with stuff. Which is why he doesn’t look after his own mental health or talk about his problems. Another reason why I am worried about going as if I or kids react badly anddont settle, we won’t get any sympathy

OP, I’m a SAHM in SW London too. I get where you’re coming from. My DH is an entrepreneur and workaholic with no cut off between work and home life. Yes, myself and the DC have a beautiful home, independent schools and a super privileged lifestyle, but I think a lot if people just don’t get it when they make comments like, “tell him to cut his hours.” or “find a different job” or “go to work yourself.” If you haven’t been married with a man who is in a particular mindset, it’s hard to relate to. People simply don’t understand. And you have to put the DC’s needs first, otherwise who else will?

My DC are a little older now, so, in your position, I wouldn’t move them as it would affect their GCSEs etc.

I think the question for you boils down to how much trust do you have in your DH? Does he make you feel secure? Do you feel “noticed” enough? Do you feel loved?

My DH is nearly always consumed by work. It’s always, “ just get over this hurdle / deadline and then.... Then I can relax...” But after 16 or so years of this, I’ve come to realise that his work is neither here or there to his state of mind. This is how he is and he will inevitably find or create situations to justify this way of being. Doesn’t matter where we live or what job he’s doing.

Also, permanently being in “crisis” mode means that people are less likely to challenge him. Especially me, as his wife, knowing that our finances and lives depend on him. As time goes on, this becomes entrenched. Your whole life is facilitating the “DH show” - worrying about his stress; how can you help; the guilt; are you doing enough; giving him enough attention.... etc. Then you forget who you actually are beyond this role.

Anyway, its taken a year of therapy for me to get to this realisation - so just passing it in in case it’s relevant! I might sound resentful, but I’m not actually. It is what it is and there are people in far worse circumstances, obviously. Despite the way things have panned out, I do know that DH loves me and the DC and in his own mind, he’s works for us and he’s done it all to provide for us (even though I know he would be exactly the same if we didn’t exist)!

I think in your situation (with younger DC), I wouid probably have made the move. But ONLY on the proviso that he made some significant change to his work life balance - even if this meant making a conscious effort to not bring stress home. Or to moan less and look for the positives in his life. Or to not be in the mindset of needing someone to “blame” (it usually falls in the wife) for his stress. In other words, take responsibility for his own choices! Because his work is always a choice. Nobody (including you) forced him to be this way. It’s not your fault and you can’t change men life this. Nor do you have much control over him.

Also, can I just say, that people get very worked up on MN about SAHMs - it’s inevitably the same posters in every thread, regardless of the scenario. Try and let this wash over you because a lot of people simply won’t be able to relate to your circumstances and are only projecting their own agendas.

Good luck whatever you decide! By the way, I’ve lived in Sydney (pre DC) and it’s fabulous! Keep your home here if you do go. Nothing is ever set in stone and what will be will be!

From what you have said I wouldn't count on his emotional support in another country even if he worked less hours.

Let’s not make this a oh people are worked up over sahms issue. I’m a sahm and still haven’t completely said it’s all what you want op

Safiya FIL was like this.

End result: MIL eventually left him (when her youngest DC was mid-20s), his children are scattered to the winds and his emotional engagement with them and his DGC is lacking, to say the least. He is not now, in his 70s, in a very good place at all.

These men may think they have it all. But they could end up with nothing.

Having said that the career suicide claim is doubtful so I reckon they should stay

But OP’s husband hasn’t got it all. He’s miserable in a job that’s making him ill.

I was recently in this situation and said not while I have a little one. Once all the kids are school age, and assuming the money was good enough to be able to visit home once a year, or at least me be eligible for a work visa. I didn't want to be without support.

Cassian - yes well it’s very difficult because highly successful men are often very fragile egos, but nobody ever sees this except for the wife. So you can feel like your constantly walking a tightrope. It’s like living in eggshells in your own home.

OP, I went to therapy because I was feeling totally overwhelmed and it’s been amazing. All this that I said above, I had no absolutely awareness of this time last year. I thought I was failing DH and I was emotionally and physically burnt out from trying to appease him. I didn’t know who I was. No idea what I wanted out if life beyond facilitating DH and the kids.

Also now, I’ve managed to get DH to go for couples therapy. After 2 sessions he apologised for taking me for granted. He still gets very self-absorbed and negative, but something has shifted - I don’t feel as if he takes it out in me so much. We’ll have maybe 10 sessions and that will be enough to have made some change, I hope. Seriously, if I can get him into therapy, it’s possible for anyone! Just book it.

But OP’s husband hasn’t got it all. He’s miserable in a job that’s making him ill.

Maybe his career plans are unreasonable in the circumstances then. Lots of us don't get what we'd ideally like once we have children to look after.

“Absolutely no awareness” - sorry, should check what I type.

He is looking after his children. Where would they be without the salary that provides the lovely life they all enjoy?

Safiya and what about your DC? DH and his siblings are very aware how little their father was there for them, and they don't think much of that. You reap what you sow and the seeds were sown for them perhaps not being so bothered about their dad in his declining years. He wasn't there for them - just their mum. Does your DH want that for his DC? Do you?

I also think that men who are facilitated can end up being absolutely incapable of looking after themselves, and frankly that is not a good thing, any more than doing everything for your DC so they can't look after themselves. I see it in FIL and also MIL's DH - both men who lived for decades with wives who ran the entire show while they were at work. Now helpless.

But OP’s husband hasn’t got it all. He’s miserable in a job that’s making him ill.

Yes AlsoHuman, but this is the crux of it and only the OP is in a position to decide if it really is the particular job, or would the DH be in exactly the same mindset regardless of whatever job he was doing.

For some DHs, nothing is ever enough. Its an internal struggle they have, nothing to do with external factors, this job or thst job. The more money they make, the more success they have, the more dissatisfied they become. Its their wives and families who become ill, while the DH tries to work it out.

Maybe the OP’s DH is not this extreme and I could well be projecting massively here, but I do wonder if any job wouid actually make him happier.

I think given your updates, if I were you I wouldn't go. The disregard for your concerns, his current pattern of working and lack of emotional support, his attitude towards mental health, and unwillingness to address your very real reservations says that he's not really thinking this through. He's desperately unhappy right now and thinks that this will solve everything. It won't. Your current situation sounds ideal in terms of the family's lifestyle. Things do need to change for him undoubtedly, but I think he needs to explore other options and take a long hard look at his life.

Cassian - yes I know. I try and focus in the positives - DH is a good man; he’s 100% honest, I trust him; he loves the kids; they are able to appreciate the lifestyle and advantages they have and for my part, I’ve tried my best to make a happy stable home for them. Nothing is ever perfect is it? You do your best and hope for the best!

Absolutely!

I think that, having seen this play out, it is not something I would ever encourage any woman to stick with. DH and his sibs had the big house and the private schools. Funnily enough, none of them are concerned with that for their own DC. But they are considerably more present in their DCs' lives, even if there's less money and 'comfort'. I think there's much less chance of their marriages falling apart and thus being 'unstable'.

I’m biased because I have done exactly what you are saying and i don’t regret it for a second. And three years have FLOWN by! The first six months were hard but I got involved with the PTA, joined a book club, and worked to form friendships with school mums and neighbors. Now three years on our life feels completely normal and comfortable. We have traveled a lot but mostly we just live in a lovely house near great schools, friends, parks, etc. my DH does travel and it was hard at the beginning but now we are able to fill the time with other things. We are moving back home early next year and I will be very sad, although I do think best thing for us. My kids have THRIVED. I think as long as the family unit is strong and secure the children will be fine.

BUT. I was happy about this opportunity. We sold it to our kids easily because they picked up on our excitement. (I am lucky to have kids who are generally outgoing and well-adjusted so making friends wasn’t an issue.) I am also very happy and secure in my marriage. Yes things can happen but it’s highly unlikely. You don’t seem to be in that position. The move was also financially good for us, which doesn’t seem to be the case for you. (Although if the company pays for housing abroad and you rent out your current house that can be a nice windfall.)

One thing I did notice that you feel you “require” help from your family. I used to feel that way too. But I am a capable adult and I can handle more than I thought. It’s actually nice to not have family (and their opinions) in the house all the time. And the move has made our nuclear family unit SO much stronger. My mum used to feel almost like a third parent and I thought that was nice but actually it wasn’t the best thing for our marriage and family unit. I adore my family but those things are my priority now. My mum visits 1-2 weeks every few months and the rest come once or twice a year. We FaceTime everyone regularly.

But in the end none of this matters because you are completely unwilling to even entertain moving and if you had to move your kids would be miserable because you’ve presented it that way. So I don’t see how you can do it. But I agree with the others, you have to really think about your choice. Would you prefer to be a divorced mum in London, with all of the emotional, practical, and financial challenges that go with that, especially if the kids’ father us abroad — OR — be a married mum in Oz. That is quite possibly the reality here. Your life cannot go on as it has been. It’s difficult but this is part of being an adult and it’s not always bad. I’m sorry for the position you’re in because you’re likely to end up unhappy either way, unless you open your mind a bit, which is not likely.

Op where abouts in Australia?

The bottom line is that you don't want to go. You've looked and are trying to think of ways to make it work but it's not straightforward, there are no guarantees and you could very well end up miserable and unable to return.

Tbh I think the biggest problem is that you don't have a solid enough relationship to risk this. You have given up your career to support his (yes, you are ok with this so far but it doesn't make it untrue). He says you don't support his career enough at the moment (why does he think this? He gets to leave family life completely to you whenever he needs to). He is unwilling to work on your relationship (therapy). He does not appreciate that you and your kids are giving up a support network rather than just a lovely time with your family. Juggling 3 kids and part time work is not simple when he can't/won't pick up any family slack if it interferes with his work.

I would consider him going alone and spending the holidays over there but that would probably screw you financially.

I really feel for him but I think he needs to decide whether his job or family come first - not just you. Whatever you choose one of you will feel a lot of resentment, unless he is willing to do some serious spade work on your relationship, this could be terminal. What is his plan B if you say no?

Would you even get a job in Australia?
Is it possible that you'd have to become a SAHM to enable his career?

I'm not even that negative about the move, but you have so many pps saying how wonderful it would be and how unreasonable you're being, that I think the negatives do need to be pointed out.

This is not just a move to Surrey or Scotland. It's to a different country.

The choice is not simply be separated in the UK and married in Australia. There's a third, and maybe not so remote possibility, of being separated in Australia.

He may also reject counselling, but you could make it a condition of you considering a move to Australia. It would be a good place to explore your and his feelings about it, as well as your relationship.