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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:
FlapAttack23 · 05/06/2019 15:17

Haha OP sorry but that made me laugh .. glad you’ve kept your s sense of humour in all this. You’ll be fine. As I said before I really don’t think there is a “right” decision here.. a real sliding doors moment

Look out for my posts saying “ my husband moved to the equator and I can’t fucking cope “ 😂😂

Ticklingcheese · 05/06/2019 15:24

Admit I haven't read the full thread.
I have been where you are, moved abroad twice with dh job, pre dcs.
A job opportunity came up for the other side of the world, when dcs were midteens. This time I refused point black. They needed to be in their own environment, and I didn't fancy them settling across the world, when we eventually were going home. Egoistical, I know, but none the less, I have been a 'lone' parent all their lives, didn't want to rock that boat for dh career again. He turned the job down, really resented me for it for a while. Turned out the job went tits up a year later and dh was relieved it was not on him.

Fast forward a couple of years later another opportunity arose, a year before dcs graduations. We agreed that he could go. He was away for a 18 months, home every 4-6 weeks. Earned a lot to secure us, and went home. I'm not going to lie, it was tough, but so much better than up rooting the whole family, for just one person's aspirations.

Safiya7 · 05/06/2019 15:35

Well it sounds like you’ve made a decision OP.

I can totally relate to your DH being too busy too talk in the evenings even. Mine is the same. Then when he does want to talk, it’s all about his latest work crisis. On a loop! The joke is he’s 48 and he could have retired about 5 years ago but, if anything he’s been worse. When he sold a company (which had been his focus for years), he didn’t become any less hyper. He threw himself into about 10 other non-exec roles and went so OTT with a certain hobby he has become semi-professional at his age. Loads of his friends who retired early, or who made so much money they can pretty much do as they like, have had total breakdowns or ended up in rehab. It’s scary to see.

The only way I got him into therapy was when he was going on one morning and I just lost it with him. I’ve never done that before. I phoned the therapist that morning and I think he was so shocked, he went.

You might be surprised at your DH’s reaction if you do similar!

FlapAttack23 · 05/06/2019 15:40

What’s the decision?!?! Sounds like you’re going OP? Send us postcards !!!

Nanny0gg · 05/06/2019 15:47

Having read all your posts, I would be very interested in your final decision and the reasoning behind it.

But if I were you, hell would freeze over before I agreed to it.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 05/06/2019 16:15

I can’t go. I wish I wanted to go or felt able to, but I can’t. I can’t risk what it would be like for the kids if I can’t deal with it as they would be solely reliant on me. With 3 little people relying on me who are currently so settled and happy, it’s just too risky. I don’t trust myself to be strong enough if I’m unhappy and I can’t cope with the lack of end date. As I said before, if this had been a 2 year stint with the same employer, it would be an entirely different thing and I would have thrown caution to the wind.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/06/2019 16:21

So do you think you will be able to cope as a single parent?

Original poster
coco123456789 · 05/06/2019 16:24

Yes, if I have the support of family and friends and their school. If I was abroad and things broke down then I definitely couldn’t cope.

OP posts:
Safiya7 · 05/06/2019 16:26

I do t think anyone knows that this inevitably means OP will end up as s single parent fgs! We are not clairvoyants. If she does “end up as a single parent”, chances are, this would have happened regardless.

Have you told your DH this yet OP?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/06/2019 16:30

No it doesnt mean she will end up as a single parent but it increases the chances. And as she cant stay on her own when her DH travels with work I think it is something that should be taken into account. Also if she does end up as a single parent the stay at home life she loves and doesnt want to change will inevitably need to change so again thats something to consider.

Safiya7 · 05/06/2019 16:34

Maybe one way to phrase this to your DH is that London secondaries are super-competitive. Sydney schools are nothing like this. If you’re away for even 3 years, your 8 year-old is effectively stepping out the system, if you were considering independent schools? You would be looking for an occasional place if you came back in three years as he / she wouid have missed the 11 plus exams.
Also say to him, that you could step up your hours to pay for the school fees if you are here!
I completely get it’s more of a pull for you if you’re close to your family. Mine were never in the UK anyway so I wouidn’t have been factoring that in.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/06/2019 16:46

Maybe it's better to be a single parent in your home country surrounded by loved ones than looking after kids alone on another country where you don't know anyone.

Mix56 · 05/06/2019 16:54

I agree you can't go, now you have finally decided to describe your relationship.
Maybe if he could find the time, or was bothered you could show him this thread !
I think you should find a voice however.
When he is way you can do some self esteem therapy.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 05/06/2019 17:27

I haven’t told him properly yet but said that I am veering towards no.

OP posts:
TanMateix · 05/06/2019 17:37

Your dad is right, you have to put your family first. And that means your kids, not the dreams of a selfish husband who is not even pulling his weight as a partner.

Go with your heart OP, and put your children first, you are the only one who knows how much your relationship can survive under such pressure. And as I said before, if the relationship is going to end anyway, it much better ends where you and your kids have the help and support of your family, friends, and all those nice things your own country provide like free medical care, good state schools and an environment you know well shall he decide not to support your kids financially.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/06/2019 17:40

If you have made your mind up then it is only fair to tell him now. He has to have time to weigh up his options as well.

7salmonswimming · 05/06/2019 17:40

With every post, I think you should stay, with or without him.

My opinion mightn't mean much to you, but I think you father is 100% right (what I was hinting at in an earlier post): your DH is being extremely selfish. He gets it all if you uproot: wifelet at home to raise the 3 children he wanted, burgeoning career, no home responsibilities, dipping into his children's lives when it suits him. It's probably fine now because on balance you're okay with this deal. But if you move the tables are tilted almost exclusively in his favor.

Family life just doesn't work that way. One partner should never, ever make ALL the sacrifices.

He needs to find something that works for everyone, not just for him.

Lweji · 05/06/2019 17:41

For all the pps saying you should just cope without help, what if you ended up depressed in a foreign country?
Age has no bearing on coping ability.

TanMateix · 05/06/2019 17:42

OP, it is very likely that if you say no, your relationship may go downhill very quickly. Do not for a moment think that the only way to save it is to go, that is like getting pregnant with twins to prevent a boyfriend from leaving.

MountainPeakGeek · 05/06/2019 17:46

I know that you say that this job opportunity isn't going to come up for him in the UK, but has he looked elsewhere in the world? Somewhere where you'd be closer to home than in Australia, and therefore would perhaps be able to see yourself living, since you'd be able to visit family far more often?

dodgeballchamp · 05/06/2019 17:48

Lweji plenty of people are depressed in this country without family and friends to help and they still have to get on with daily life.

OP, if you’re dead set against it then no, you shouldn’t go, or feel pressured into it, regardless of if that means splitting with your husband. It sounds like your outlooks on life are fundamentally incompatible. But I have to say you do sound rather incapable of doing anything for yourself, which is not terribly healthy for an adult...

Lweji · 05/06/2019 18:06

Lweji plenty of people are depressed in this country without family and friends to help and they still have to get on with daily life

But no need for the OP to risk it, is there?

Lweji · 05/06/2019 18:08

But I have to say you do sound rather incapable of doing anything for yourself, which is not terribly healthy for an adult...

What a stupid comment.
The OP holds a job and deals with the home and the children almost without a partner's input. Just because she needs or prefers having help from relatives and friends doesn't make her incapable of doing anything by herself.

Awrite · 05/06/2019 18:11

No chance would I go in these circumstances.

Stay firm op. You are making the right decision.

At least if you are wrong, you can repent here, with family. Imagine regretting being wrong from the other side of the world.

Alsohuman · 05/06/2019 18:12

OP, if you’ve decided not to go, for the love of God, tell the man so he can decide what he’s going to do. He may stay and continue to be unhappy and stressed, he may decide to go anyway. However he chooses, there are no winners here.

As far as selfishness is concerned, I think both of you are. He wants the job of his dreams, you want your lovely life. The two are incompatible. It may well be that neither of you get what you want.

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