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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:
Original poster
coco123456789 · 05/06/2019 08:11

I was the one who wanted to move to the suburbs! To a less expensive house so we could have saved money and also it was right by an outstanding state secondary so we would have had no stress over money for school fees etc. Kids didn’t want to and DH didn’t want to as he didn’t want to live in the suburbs as he likes being in London and didn’t want to have to commute on the train.

OP posts:
milkshak3 · 05/06/2019 08:15

I thought the DC were nursery primary school aged. surprised that they have such strong opinions on schools and on moving. hmmm

DecomposingComposers · 05/06/2019 08:16

Fair enough then. Hopefully they will remember that when they are older and moaning about sharing a bedroom.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/06/2019 08:19

Kids can't make the call on this, they don't have capacity. You know that.

It's interesting that you mention your newly-separated friend. Do you think being away from your mum would make your marriage crumble?

The time for analysing all of this has long gone; you're already viewing houses and visiting. Has he signed a contract? Is pulling out now going to have further repercussions? You really need to come to a decision. Your answers suggest that you can only entertain staying, even when you acknowledge that his life isn't as good as yours, that your compromises aren't things that he'd want, and that you're quite reliant on your parents. Does he know you won't be joining him?

Alsohuman · 05/06/2019 08:21

So here we have it, OP, moving away from your support network is fine when it suits you and you were perfectly happy to add to your husband’s stress by adding a commute into the mix until he put his foot down. Children don’t have a say in major life decisions, they do as they’re told - or at least when they’re as young as yours.

So what are you going to do? Put your husband first? Or live with his growing resentment that you didn’t support him?

eddielizzard · 05/06/2019 08:23

A friend of mine's DH went to work in Tokyo for 3 years, she stayed behind with the kids. It was very tough. They visited him in school holidays, he came home when he could. They did it though, and there was a very strong financial incentive.

Do you think him working in Oz while you stayed here would be the end of your marriage? Or could you get through it somehow?

Original poster
coco123456789 · 05/06/2019 08:23

They are 1, 5.5 and nearly 8. Believe me they have very strong views on things! It’s interesting as DH went to 3 primary schools and always talks about the fact he didn’t make friends till he was 9 as he kept moving. It’s clearly something he remembers, not having friends etc. and was always proud that our kids had stability.

And I agree, for me the big thing is that coming home in 3-5 years depends on him getting a job back here that he will agree to do. And I am not sure I trust that to happen. If he was selling the whole thing to me, promising to look after us, saying don’t worry if we’re all miserable we’ll come back, but it will all work out etc etc it would be different. I don’t feel secure.

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 05/06/2019 08:28

So what are you going to do then OP?

I guess the only options are your husband goes alone or he stays put in the job that is making him ill?

ilovesooty · 05/06/2019 08:30

I think it's interesting that the OP says she and her husband clicked at university because neither were keen on socialising and preferred each other's company. He seemingly wasn't driven or ambitious then. It seems as though she hasn't changed but he has. He's not content to live in a cosy bubble any longer but she doesn't want he bubble to be disturbed.

daisypond · 05/06/2019 08:34

OK, you want to feel secure. But what things are you personally doing to make your life secure? Things that are not dependent on your DP, who may drop down dead, fall ill or leave? Do you want or even expect your mum and dad to look after you? Random friends or relations? What does security mean? Financial? Emotional? Being looked after?

Mix56 · 05/06/2019 08:34

But he is devoted to his job, if he could get the same job in the UK he probably wouldn't want to go. He is ready to give it go, to progress, to grow, to see new things, OP says they travelled at one point. its not because OP is a home mouse that he has no aspirations to evolve

Original poster
coco123456789 · 05/06/2019 08:35

Yes - he has changed a lot. With the kids I have become more settled. He was desperate for a third child so we went ahead which meant me cutting down on work due to childcare costs / managing family life. Before no 3 I worked more and had more of my own life. But now with the 3 kids I have become very home focused. And so he has been able to get more and more crazy at work as no shared childcare duties.

So yes, we have both changed. We are less equal now - when we started out we had the same jobs!

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 05/06/2019 08:35

Children shouldn’t have strong views on this kind of decision. You don’t consult 5 and 7 year olds, you tell them. It’s called parenting.

LaurieMarlow · 05/06/2019 08:39

I guess the only options are your husband goes alone or he stays put in the job that is making him ill?

This thread continues to baffle me.

Of course these aren’t the only options. What nonsense.

He can look for other jobs more locally. He could look into dropping hours or moving sidewards. He can think about a career change. He can start working on what’s making him unhappy currently.

I find it so baffling that so many on this thread buy into an idea that the only thing that can ever make him happy is moving his entire family across the world for a job. It’s crazy.

LaurieMarlow · 05/06/2019 08:42

It’s not exactly radical to suggest that small children don’t want to be taken thousands of miles away from everything they know, all their relatives, their friends, their education/care settings.

Oh scratch that, on this thread it definitely is Confused

ilovesooty · 05/06/2019 08:43

I'm seeing it as fundamental change not just practical. Even though you reduced work to accommodate a third child you said you have no career identity but he now has and it's something you struggle to get your head round. That seems a pretty fundamental mindset difference to me.

Puddingmama2017 · 05/06/2019 08:44

Alsohuman

Bugger that, if my 7 year doesn’t want to do something that will basically shape their whole life one way or another I would listen to that.

That’s why my now 10 year old is still home educated after coming out of school at 7.

Mix56 · 05/06/2019 08:44

Hang on, so he has to make all the changes while OP is home with her security blanket ? where is the equality in all this, reverse the roles.

TabbyStar · 05/06/2019 08:48

Whether it's an adventure for the kids or not I think depends on the kids. I moved my DD 15 miles down the road when she was 8 and it did take her a long time to feel she belonged here - a few years. I have a friend who's lived all over the world and it's affected his younger DD's friendships, she's never really settled back in, whereas his older DD is fine, (though his marriage broke up and he's never regained his career - he was the trailing spouse). Only you know your kids. I wouldn't do it.

LaurieMarlow · 05/06/2019 08:49

Hang on, so he has to make all the changes while OP is home with her security blanket

He’s unhappy. If you’re unhappy yes you should make changes. Those changes do not have to be as radical as disrupting the life of his entire family, taking them from loved ones, friends, schools and putting his wife in an immensely vulnerable situation.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 05/06/2019 08:50

I actually think that I have enabled him too much. Able to work late, travel without question as he doesn’t have to consider my plans. I am just there, able to pick up the slack. I often don’t even know he’s going to be working late, I just sit there at 9.30pm wondering where he is! If he’d had to commit to stuff at home, maybe his hours wouldn’t have got so out of hand. My job has always been controlled by the fact I know that come what may, I leave at 5.20 or I will be late for the nanny. There is no option, if I miss a meeting or have to leave a call then I do as I have no choice. I leave for the nanny. He has no such restrictions so of course he can get crazy at work.

OP posts:
TabbyStar · 05/06/2019 08:55

Yep, as a full time working lone parent it's a bloody luxury for a parent to be able to work unencumbered by day to day childcare, covering child sickness, and dealing with those things the school creates as "urgent" (like trying to buy white leggings in the middle of winter for some performance they decide they're doing with days notice!). I think how men benefit from having someone at home often gets lost.

MarshaBradyo · 05/06/2019 08:55

You haven’t mentioned career suicide for a while, or what your dh is saying now about it all, has he accepted he’s staying?

RussianSpamBot · 05/06/2019 08:55

If you don't feel secure then this move would be incredibly stupid OP.

DecomposingComposers · 05/06/2019 08:59

LaurieMarlow

But it's the OP who has said that none of those are options - apparently the onlyplace her DH can do this job is where he currently is or in Aus, and that he won't cut hours or re train and she doesn't want to work more (which I'm assuming she would need to do while DH re trains)