Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:
chopc · 05/06/2019 11:29

OP - at the beginning of the thread I was fully in the "you've got to go" camp. But as things are slowly coming out, I don't think you should. Not to Australia anyway.

You are not on the same page by a long way. Have different desires for what you want out of life. The reason you shouldn't go is because of this.

Kids are adaptable. As long as the parents are ok they will be ok. But it doesn't sound like you will be ok

Original poster
coco123456789 · 05/06/2019 11:41

Safiya, thanks so much. That is all so true and very recognizable as my situation, especially the ‘DH show’. He has a high profile and a lot of glamour and most people would never dream what he is like at home - stressed, tired, worried. He totally hides it in public. We have had a lot of trouble the last year, mainly due to my resentment of his work, but I have tried to learn to accept his work and appreciate that other people have partners who travel, miss bedtime etc. I can’t be ‘poor me’ all the time. So I have got to a position where I have a small job, set up my network, everything in place to accommodate DH’s work, learning to accept it, not badgering him about what time he will be home, not complaining when he is constantly on his phone and distracted by work, and now this happens. Something to upset everything.

The crux is that we are not strong enough and he doesn’t appreciate what it would mean for me. He would never go without us - for all he loves his work he wants to see the kids which is why he didn’t consider another job which would have meant being away at least a week every month. So that’s it really! We stay and see if we can get over it. And if we can’t, then I have to make a plan. But at least we will be in the UK. He is very honest. He is not promising that he will be home earlier, he is not promising that he wouldn’t have to travel, he is not saying we will make loads of money, as we won’t. I can see why people go to Singapore or Dubai for 3 years to potentially pay off a whack of mortgage, plan to retire a bit earlier or something, but it wouldn’t mean that.

OP posts:
Original poster
coco123456789 · 05/06/2019 11:43

We can’t even spend an evening sitting and talking about it as he is so busy.

OP posts:
Original poster
coco123456789 · 05/06/2019 11:45

Says a lot that is can’t be prioritized for conversation! However, the whole way back on the plane we didn’t discuss it as I just couldn’t bear the idea of it and he didn’t bring it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
coco123456789 · 05/06/2019 11:49

I didn’t realise we were in such different pages. Where we live, people are either staying and using the money for school (no good state secondaries where we live) or moving to the suburbs for a forever home. I knew he didn’t want to move to the countryside but we had never ever even entertained the idea of moving overseas.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 05/06/2019 11:53

Oh OP that's ridiculous that he rejected a job because it would have involved not a huge amount of travel for his level ( I think ), but is expecting the family to uproot to Australia with no guarantee of a return in any concrete form.

If other jobs like the one with a bit of travelling are on the table, he should be considering these a bit more actively - most senior business people are expected to do a bit of travel and it seems a fairly silly reason to reject a role.

MarshaBradyo · 05/06/2019 11:56

Doesn’t he travel a lot now anyway?

Original poster
coco123456789 · 05/06/2019 12:00

Yes, but not a full week of every month.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 05/06/2019 12:05

Oh well his choice, I can understand it

Original poster
coco123456789 · 05/06/2019 12:10

The children don’t know anything about this by the way. They don’t know it’s being considered as they didn’t come with us

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/06/2019 12:11

We stay and see if we can get over it. And if we can’t, then I have to make a plan.

I would, honestly, start looking at what that would be. Because taking aside where anybody stands or not, it seems you and DH are now pulling in different directions, and even on separation, the compromises presented don't appear to be things that you or he would want. Which means nobody gets what they want, and everyone has a crappy situation - and the kids wouldn't get a choice in what they want to do, then. Maybe the 7-year-old, eventually.

I'm glad you've got a resolution to the immediate problem, but I'd treat the growing chasm between you as a priority too.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/06/2019 12:29

OP you really need to learn how to speak up for yourself. To be honest it's been a bit like pulling teeth just to get basic information from you on this thread. I get that your DH may not be a great listener but you'll never get what you want from life if you can't speak up for yourself.

martinidry · 05/06/2019 13:35

It would be a flat no from me if the legal system in the other country meant that I couldn't return home with the children in the event of a marital breakdown.

Even without that problem I would be loath to go and perhaps suggest he went alone and we maintained the marriage on a long-distance basis, agreeing to review in, say, six months when he had settled there.

martinidry · 05/06/2019 13:35

It would be a flat no from me if the legal system in the other country meant that I couldn't return home with the children in the event of a marital breakdown.

Even without that problem I would be loath to go and perhaps suggest he went alone and we maintained the marriage on a long-distance basis, agreeing to review in, say, six months when he had settled there.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 05/06/2019 13:38

I agree @SnuggyBuggy, pages in and we get some really vital details about the pretty crappy state of your marriage OP. That's the main reason you shouldn't go to the other side of the world! If your relationship isn't good now (and it certainly doesn't sound good given your latest updates) then it probably wouldn't survive the stress of such a huge move. And then, as others have pointed out, you're stuck in a foreign country unable to leave with your children!

I know think you shouldn't go, but you absolutely should prioritise working on your marriage.

Good luck.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/06/2019 13:39

It's quite obvious you arent going to go OP. It is also quite obvious your DH will be unhappy if this is genuinely the next step he needs in his career. In which case I suspect its time to draw up some separation plans.

Alsohuman · 05/06/2019 13:50

It would have been helpful if you’d told us 900 posts ago that your marriage is in trouble, OP. Quite honestly, you’re damned if you go and damned if you don’t. However much you might want things to stay as they are now, they’re not going to.

I don’t suppose you’ll ever tell us how this is resolved but my bet is your husband ends up going alone.

yoursworried · 05/06/2019 13:57

he didn’t consider another job which would have meant being away at least a week every month

Frankly there's no pleasing you two is there though. Why wouldn't he want to do that for a good job? 1 week per month is not a massive deal- lots of people do this kind of thing and you're hardly going to miss your kids growing up doing that. My husband does this kind of arrangement we barely bat an eyelid - he just spends a bit of extra time with the kids over a weekend while I swan off to make up for all the solo bed times!!
And you don't want to go overseas because you like your home comforts and don't like the effort it will take to do it. So you guys will have to just stay with the status quo and hope you don't end up resenting each other.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/06/2019 14:22

How often does he go away? If he has turned down a job that means he is away 1 week a month then he cant be away that often and yet you need to have somebody to stay with you to cope? How do you see your life going as a single parent?

daisypond · 05/06/2019 14:32

And there will be state schools that are fine, even if you stay in London. It seems that you might live in one of those bubbles where “everyone” says the schools are bad and you have to move to Buckinghamshire or go private. That is not true. With supportive, involved parents your children will do fine, more than fine, at an ordinary school. So, if you don’t go to Australia, what happens? My DH burnt out but ended up taking a very ordinary shift job that paid 21k in London. Would that be OK with you?

FlapAttack23 · 05/06/2019 14:44

Alsohuman I’ve kept watching this thread purely for your brilliant posts 😂

FlapAttack23 · 05/06/2019 14:45

Op if this post hits 1000 which I think means we can’t comment anymore.. please , please open a new one so you can let us know how you get on.

Alsohuman · 05/06/2019 14:48

@Flapattack, I’m not entirely sure how to take that! I do know that I’m far too invested in it, though.

FlapAttack23 · 05/06/2019 14:54

It’s a good thing.. “you could have told us that 900 posts ago “ 😂

Ps I thought she did.. didn’t she say it was rocky somewhere.. maybe 670 posts ago

Original poster
coco123456789 · 05/06/2019 15:00

Yep - look out for my posts on separation, The Hague convention, or fun things to do in Oz! Lots of stuff for me to take away from this thread. My mum thinks I should go to show I am supportive but my dad (who rarely has an opinion on anything) just told me he thinks it’s selfish to uproot your family for personal ambition when it isn’t a case of necessity. That has thrown me as my dad would never get involved in relationship stuff, he is very quiet and unemotional.

OP posts: