To be annoyed about this?

[FanjoFizz]

It was my birthday last week, not a significant one. DP asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said I don’t really need anything but I’d like us to do a night away somewhere just us. We both work full time and have kids from previous relationships who we are weekends tend to revolve around, so rarely get any time on our own.

We discussed the weekend away as a present from March (so two months worth of payday prior to my birthday). Not expecting anywhere expensive but a night in a hotel, on our own would be bliss.

He’s booked nothing, not even picked a city. On my actual birthday I got two identical bunches of supermarket flowers from his kids and birthday cards, very sweet but nothing directly from him.

Today he’s taken his eldest daughter to a shopping outlet village and she text me a picture of a high-street designer bag I have had saved in my online wish list for a while and said it was reduced to £50. I commented that wow it was a good price.

Anyway then DP calls me on their way home and said SD couldn’t afford the bag on her own so he’s paid half towards it and now we have to share the bag? Wtf??!
I don’t want to share a handbag? That’s so bizarre, I don’t live with her and I would not ring a 14yr old to share custody of a fucking £50 handbag. How bizarre is this?!

I sort of laughed and said “Nah it’s clearly SD’s bag, enjoy it lovely girl!” To which he was quite stern and said “No it’s half yours”.

AIBU to think this is really odd? Why on earth would I want to share a bag with a teenager?

AIBU to think if he thought I’d like it then he should have just bought it for me as a belated birthday present? Or just treat SD to the £25 top up she needed in order for her to buy it? He’s definitely not hard up for £25/50?!

Petrol station flowers, to be honest. Not bouquets from a florist.

And sorry, but I think there's something fishy about him arranging a week off work next week, without checking if you can get the same time off. And he
cant change it. Something about that jangles.

The little things here just add up to a picture of a man who doesn't value you and sees you as the one who should always accommodate, always compromise, always be deprioritised. He puts no mental effort in, waves the flag of "disorganised person" (which he is not) and makes half-assed gestures to keep you, not happy but feeling you can't complain.

And sorry, but I think there's something fishy about him arranging a week off work next week, without checking if you can get the same time off. And he
cant change it. Something about that jangles
What do you mean?

Booking the week off without checking with you is odd. Surely if you're organising a holiday with someone you confirm they're available? Especially if your company is so rigid that you can't rearrange holidays.
Booking it for a time when you can't make it smacks of lack of consideration and lack of organisation but as you've said yourself, he is organised about work so his priority was booking this time off not making sure he had time off with you.
You sound lovely OP. He sounds less than nice

I know every relationship is different, but I put so many things down to happenstance or a mistake or he didn't bother checking, the pattern only became obvious in hindsight. These things have all occurred individually for you, whereas for us outsiders they're being laid out one after another, where the pattern is easier to identify.

There just might be something he wants to do on his own next week. I'm not saying there is, but see if something happens to come up, and he just happens to have the time free because of the unfortunate fact that he forgot to check if you could get time off too. Don't be gullible - I was!

Fanjo do you have a trusted friend (who is a decent actor and DP likes/respects) you both sometimes hang out with who would say something to your DP like, "so did you do anything nice for Fanjo's birthday?" and could react with appropriately unspoken disbelief and judgement at the answer (of the 'shared' handbag, flowers and lack of weekend away planning)?

If your DP really is just oblivious, seeing the reaction of a third party can give them a kick up the proverbial. Nobody likes being badly thought of by friends and acquaintances in general for this sort of crap and it tends to be less easy for them to write off than a reaction from their partner only.

It's a tad devious but may get the message across!

Be fair, do we really expect the OP to end a fairly long term relationship just like that? What will getting angry about it achieve - he won't change. The OP is pissed off. She's wisely taking the time to think about things rather than acting rashly.

With any luck she'll see sense and find a better human being to spend her life with, but if not, it is her life, to spend as she chooses.

Of course it's her life, all I'm saying is to be aware that there may be a pattern, rather than isolated, unconnected incidents.

@outanabout

I think you've hit the nail on the head.

Layers of disregard.

Hopefully the OP will reflect and become less passive about how she's treated.
Her choice.
If she choses to put up with his disregard, then she can expect no more than "shared handbags"🙄

I think your explanation makes a lot of sense. Me and my sister both asked for the same nail lamp for Christmas. My dad bought one for us to share even though we live in separate houses with our families! He also often gets us the same presents (like we both get a sewing kit even though only one of us sews) so I think it’s just him not really getting the handbag thing and not wanting to upset one of you by choosing to give it to the other.

This has been one of the saddest threads I have read on MN.

You sound lovely OP and it’s really sad how this man is taking you for a complete ride but you don’t seem to see it.

The daughter has obviously been really vindictive too! It’s not normal behaviour for a 14yr old to do what she did. She knew you wanted it, even sent you a message to make sure. She used it as a power trip against you and to show you how much higher she is in the pecking order. (Which tbh she should be his first priority but not at the detriment to you and she should understand that her behaviour is completely unacceptable, brattish and mean) she wanted you to see she had something you wanted.

Your DP doesn’t value you at all, why would you think it’s acceptable for him not to get you a gift for your Bday? Not even a printed piece of paper with a made up voucher entitling you to a holiday?

You say he is disorganised but would he forget his DD Bday? Would he be disorganised about her Bday presents?

It’s really sad you can’t see this.

The daughter has obviously been really vindictive too! It’s not normal behaviour for a 14yr old to do what she did. She knew you wanted it, even sent you a message to make sure. She used it as a power trip against you and to show you how much higher she is in the pecking order.

How is that 'obvious' when it's completely at odds with how the OP has described the dynamic between them? She sounds like a spoiled but basically sweet kid to me, dunno how she's been turned into an agent of Satan. Her dad is the one at fault here.

Actually I also don't think it's remotely normal for a fourteen year old to text to with a pic to check it's the bag you want like that so they canget it for themselves. I can't imagine either myself or my daughter doing something similar at that age, you do that sort of thing to people you don't like, girls you're competing with, you certainly don't do it to people you like and care for.

I strongly disagree with thr op it's typical teenage behaviour.

Dontthinkofthegame your post is horrible, nonsense and cruel.

Let's not get bogged down questioning the motivations of a teenaged girl, whose relationship overall with the op sounds lovely. The last thing a step-parent relationship needs is ungenerous picking over.

Instead we have a full grown adult male acting like a twat, let's concentrate on him.

That's one of the strangest things I've ever heard!

It's so bizarre and laughable that I initially thought it had to be just an attempt to have a story poached by the DM, or make it into classics.

@Outanabout oh God! I hope it does neither!

What did he give you last birthday or Christmas?? I'm just trying to get a sense of what his usual gifts are like. Because half a bag is pretty shit.

Instead we have a full grown adult male acting like a twat, let's concentrate on him

I think that you'll find on an open forum this isn't your decision and it's a bit twat like to decide how people should respond and what thy should concentrate on.

In case you don't understand the reason people are commenting on thr daughter, as well as him, is because the op has stated this odd situation would be because the girl wanted the bag and her behaviour was normal and that he was just trying to placate both.

Thr feedback that most teenage girls don't text someone they like and care about a pic when out shopping saying hey is this the bag you really want, sp they can get it for themselves is valid. They don't. Let's not pretend otherwise.

Op did he book your night away?

Why are you putting up with this? He evidently doesn’t give a shit about you and what you want.

Step-parent relationships are tricky to negotiate at the best of times - I don't see what good it does anybody to cynically pick apart the possible motivations of a teenager, who generally seems to admire and (significantly) want to copy the OP. My feeling is that it's far better to give the benefit of the doubt and lean towards being over-generous there, rather than looking for sly motivations. What good would it do the OP to sow seeds of resentment there?

Whereas with the full-grown adult male, he's old enough to know better, he's had long-term relationships before, he's well over the age where he should have learnt empathy and emotional intelligence. He's the one who has fucked up here, he's the adult who decided this, and decided to take a week off without checking with the OP, and keeps putting OP last.

I know I can't dictate what people post about in a forum, but it's far too frequent that people get sucked into criticising girls and women instead of the man in the middle of it all.

...and TBH 14 year olds tend to ha e tunnel vision if they want something. If her dear Papa said she could share the bag she wanted, why wouldnt she? It's only as adults that we can see how fucked up it is.

Bullshit, at fourteen they know. They aren't babies, they know full well texting someone saying hey is this the bag you want so they can get it for themselves and you'll know they got it for themselves is mean.

Or she's so used to OP being generous and being happy and positive for her and putting her own needs aside, that she was genuinely excited to find the bag so cheaply and wanted it too (because she wants to be like OP), that it didn't really occur to her that it might be read that way.

Hanlon's razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. (Or in this case lack of emotional intelligence/maturity.)