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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about this?

259 replies

FanjoFizz · 01/06/2019 13:26

It was my birthday last week, not a significant one. DP asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said I don’t really need anything but I’d like us to do a night away somewhere just us. We both work full time and have kids from previous relationships who we are weekends tend to revolve around, so rarely get any time on our own.

We discussed the weekend away as a present from March (so two months worth of payday prior to my birthday). Not expecting anywhere expensive but a night in a hotel, on our own would be bliss.

He’s booked nothing, not even picked a city. On my actual birthday I got two identical bunches of supermarket flowers from his kids and birthday cards, very sweet but nothing directly from him.

Today he’s taken his eldest daughter to a shopping outlet village and she text me a picture of a high-street designer bag I have had saved in my online wish list for a while and said it was reduced to £50. I commented that wow it was a good price.

Anyway then DP calls me on their way home and said SD couldn’t afford the bag on her own so he’s paid half towards it and now we have to share the bag? Wtf??!
I don’t want to share a handbag? That’s so bizarre, I don’t live with her and I would not ring a 14yr old to share custody of a fucking £50 handbag. How bizarre is this?!

I sort of laughed and said “Nah it’s clearly SD’s bag, enjoy it lovely girl!” To which he was quite stern and said “No it’s half yours”.

AIBU to think this is really odd? Why on earth would I want to share a bag with a teenager?

AIBU to think if he thought I’d like it then he should have just bought it for me as a belated birthday present? Or just treat SD to the £25 top up she needed in order for her to buy it? He’s definitely not hard up for £25/50?!

OP posts:
Original poster
FanjoFizz · 01/06/2019 16:58

This is the bag

To be annoyed about this?
OP posts:
blackteasplease · 01/06/2019 16:59

It's a nice bag but still fucking weird!

Original poster
FanjoFizz · 01/06/2019 17:02

@escapade1234 😂😂😂😂

Definitely no surprises, DP and SD are here and she’s thrilled with her new bag. I don’t mind, it’s nice seeing her so happy bless her. I’ve made it clear it’s her bag

OP posts:
category12 · 01/06/2019 17:04

Are you sure this is going to work out? You sound lovely, but the stuff about his kids having to be there to help pick a ring, and that he's too lazy to put any mental effort into your relationship together (while being perfectly capable and organised at work - so he's categorically not a "disorganised person").

If you'd love a weekend away on your own, do that instead of waiting around for the stars to align for him to be able to come too.

Seriously. He expects you to bend every which way, while putting no thought or effort out himself - he's an entitled prick.

sonjadog · 01/06/2019 17:25

I don’t think this is necessarily a sign of that your reølationship is bad, but I think it is definitely something ypu need to clearly address with him. Don’t let this be the start of poor behaviour towards you.

NerdyBird · 01/06/2019 17:29

Sounds like he'll expect you AND your DD to come second to his DDs. He made you bring his DDs to the concert because they shouldn't miss out, wanted them to pick your engagement ring and now this ridiculous handbag share. Will you be happy for your DD to miss out because he doesn't want her to have things his don't?

I would watch his behaviour carefully OP and don't rush into living together or getting married.

Outanabout · 01/06/2019 17:34

I tolerated and laughed off a lot of iffy behaviour that should have set alarm bells ringing. Looking back on ot now I think it was because I came from a family where everyone was very respectful to each other, my father and brother were both lovely, so the bad behaviour just didn't register with me, I hadn't had any experience of it before. Odd I know, you'd think it'd be the other way round. Does that ring any bells, OP?

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 01/06/2019 17:41

So, when you go on your honeymoon, will you have to share a room with his kids?

FrancisCrawford · 01/06/2019 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SparklesandFlowers · 01/06/2019 19:30

I make belts. I can give you a belt with holes but no buckle if you want, for his next birthday, OP! Grin

Bizarre situation. I do agree, while not LTB, it's worth thinking carefully about his behaviour. This just shows that maybe you're not always top of his priority list, even on your birthday. Yes, his DDs should be high priority when he sees them, but he needs to be more organised when it comes to his wife-to-be because you should be important in his life too.

Banhaha · 01/06/2019 19:35

Nice Bag! Also you sound so lovely not to feel even slightly resentful that she's got the bag you wanted. I think maybe your DP might have been trying to make sure you weren't upset that he'd got the bag for your stepdaughter and not you? Or that she wouldn't get upset if he bought the whole thing for you and she wanted it. It might have been well meant but it's not the best idea!

Original poster
FanjoFizz · 01/06/2019 19:51

@SparklesandFlowers 😂 I like that idea!

He is totally and utterly perplexed as to why I think this is weird. I’ve explained it but he still doesn’t get it. He’s said we’re booking our weekend away for later this month and we’ll sort it tomorrow, however it’s not the surprise I was hoping for.
It would have been nice to have had it all planned and organised without any input from me. But hey ho, it is what it is

OP posts:
Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 01/06/2019 20:00

Bet ya a big slice of Cake he suggests dsd joins you both on the trip....

Happynow001 · 01/06/2019 20:17

I know you are being patient and understanding and laughing about this OP but will you still take his "disorganised" (non)actions the same way in 5, 10, 15+ years? Doesn't this make you feel even a little unappreciated/taken for granted?

You say he's at his mum's. I wonder if, as he's in a huff, he'll mention "the incident of the handbag" to his mother - and what she'd say?

What he's done really is bizarre - is he like this all the time? Or just with you? His thinking about your engagement ring is just weird - why would he want to prioritise his children to be available to help select YOUR engagement ring?

But hey ho, it is what it is
Is this enough for you in your relationship, now and for the future?

Original poster
FanjoFizz · 01/06/2019 20:19

Doesn't this make you feel even a little unappreciated/taken for granted?
Yep. Very unappreciated

OP posts:
mellicauli · 01/06/2019 20:22

So his kids had to pick out the ring. And you have to share your bag with a 14 year old. He's obviously thinks he needs to fair between you and the kids. Which fails to take into account that this makes you a child, not his partner. And of course puts him top of the heap. Think you two need a chat.

category12 · 01/06/2019 20:25

But hey ho, it is what it is

You're far too laid back for your own good.

Are you trying to be the "cool girlfriend"?

Original poster
FanjoFizz · 01/06/2019 20:37

Are you trying to be the "cool girlfriend"?

Nope. I just can’t be bothered with drama.

I picked my own ring by the way, after insisting we did it that particular weekend because I was getting fed up.

OP posts:
DogHasEatenTheSqueaker · 01/06/2019 20:38

Missing the point of the thread, but have to say am impressed at a 14 year old girl that remembered something that someone else liked - I have one here who wouldn’t recognise my HER OWN handbag unless it was on bloody snapchat... 😂

category12 · 01/06/2019 20:42

So instead of "drama", you're accepting minimal effort, being low priority, not getting anything for your birthday and generally not being important enough for him to think about. And this is before you're married.

Pensy · 01/06/2019 20:59

If you chose to marry him when he treats you as a most insignificant other, you are agreeing that it's ok for him to behave like this towards you. I resent him already and I don't even know the guy.

MadCattery · 01/06/2019 21:02

MY DH is also very generous, and has nothing but the best of intentions. His gifts have been historically awful. Awful. He makes a mental note of what I've liked or admired all year and "surprises" me. I am SOOOO sorry I ever said, in passing, how cool the waffle iron that made small bowl shaped waffles was. I had forgotten, until it showed up wrapped. And, he watched me looking for the perfectgarlic press, so decided it would be a perfect Christmas gift. It wasn't. Some men never "get it", but it doesn't mean they are not wonderful partners. Wouldn't trade mine for the world, really. But, Christmas and birthdays are a crap shoot, maybe 30% great, the rest unusable. I think you win the prize though. "Sharing a purse" is truly awful.

TheBigFatMermaid · 01/06/2019 21:11

OP, AIBU is littered with threads from Step Mothers who are labelled as 'wicked' as soon as the children of their BF/DP/DH are mentioned.

You have spectacularly avoided this fate. How? By being too bloody soft! Not even normal step mother hard, which is not really hard, but is enough to get the label You are ridiculously soft. Like... not even a mother soft, more like a grandmother soft, but softer....

Not against the DD, who is just a normal 14 year old, as you say, but your DF.

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2019 22:04

I honestly am struggling with it. When apartner and their daughter treat you as shit as this, no birthday present, share a bag with a kid, kid texting to say is this the one you want just So they can get it themselves. Most folks would be like , ok this isn't good. But you're all. This is fantastic, I'm sure my present will come, she just thinks I'm cool. Who cares I did not get anything, who cares he got his kid the bag I want. It's all good.

I honestly don't get why your posting when the pair of them treat you this way and you love it. Now you're either sharing a bag with a 14 year old, or she's wandering about with the bag you wanted, he got you fuck all on your birthday and you are loving it, it's odd, very.

Original poster
FanjoFizz · 01/06/2019 22:17

I’m clearly not loving it otherwise I wouldn’t have posted. I’m annoyed at him, hence the title. I just find it all really weird and I found it amusing at first because it was soooo ridiculous.
But truth is I’m hurt. He still thinks I’m being mean by not thinking it was a kind thing to do. He said “I tried to do something nice”... yes for SD, not for me. How on earth is this a nice thing for me? Honestly I’m concerned he can’t see how strange it is and frankly a bit out of order

OP posts: