To be annoyed about this?

[FanjoFizz]

It was my birthday last week, not a significant one. DP asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said I don’t really need anything but I’d like us to do a night away somewhere just us. We both work full time and have kids from previous relationships who we are weekends tend to revolve around, so rarely get any time on our own.

We discussed the weekend away as a present from March (so two months worth of payday prior to my birthday). Not expecting anywhere expensive but a night in a hotel, on our own would be bliss.

He’s booked nothing, not even picked a city. On my actual birthday I got two identical bunches of supermarket flowers from his kids and birthday cards, very sweet but nothing directly from him.

Today he’s taken his eldest daughter to a shopping outlet village and she text me a picture of a high-street designer bag I have had saved in my online wish list for a while and said it was reduced to £50. I commented that wow it was a good price.

Anyway then DP calls me on their way home and said SD couldn’t afford the bag on her own so he’s paid half towards it and now we have to share the bag? Wtf??!
I don’t want to share a handbag? That’s so bizarre, I don’t live with her and I would not ring a 14yr old to share custody of a fucking £50 handbag. How bizarre is this?!

I sort of laughed and said “Nah it’s clearly SD’s bag, enjoy it lovely girl!” To which he was quite stern and said “No it’s half yours”.

AIBU to think this is really odd? Why on earth would I want to share a bag with a teenager?

AIBU to think if he thought I’d like it then he should have just bought it for me as a belated birthday present? Or just treat SD to the £25 top up she needed in order for her to buy it? He’s definitely not hard up for £25/50?!

Disorganised is an excuse for ‘can’t be arsed’ when it comes to stuff like this.

He has no money issues, manages to be organised at work and knows when he has his children and plans for it.

This is a man who is thoughtless at best - he’s not prioritising you at all.

No present on your birthday is utterly ridiculous - not even a card and iou.

You said you wanted to go away. Even the laziest person could say ‘happy birthday darling - have breakfast in bed whilst we browse hotels and book your birthday break’ but instead he got you half a fucking handbag.

I don’t like drama either but I expect to be considered, that’s for sure.

It just seems like you're underreacting and flat. I find it hard to understand why you're accepting these things ongoing. Your expectations seem incredibly low, with this and the engagement ring, and going away etc.

OP I'm late to this but I think you missed a trick when this sharing suggestion popped up.
I'd have replied [something like], 'Thanks but let SD have the bag to herself - I'm very happy with the weekend away present you're organising for us. That's generous enough for my birthday.'

Because it sounds to me like he was hoping to get away with this as an alternative gift. That doesn't chime with how you describe him, but the obvious explanation is usually true.

Keep an eye on things.

Curious about how he might expect the bag share to work, might this be a way to flag to him how this is a really strange concept.

How does he think your step-daughter would react when you ask for the bag? Who would get the bag if you both wanted to use it on a certain day and or when she is with her Mum? Does he seriously not realize that a young girl will likely mutilate an expensive bag quite quickly? What if she spills something on it or breaks it?

I think asking him out of the most sincere curiosity what was he really thinking here might be your best approach. Very probably better to try & talk this over with him than to pretend it didn't happen. I'd tell him straight out that you feel hurt that he got you nothing for your birthday & now has made this weird non-gesture that is even worse than nothing since it was a bag he knew you wanted. The grown up thing to do would have been to get it for you & tell his daughter that it is your birthday gift since he knew you wanted it and hadn't got you anything.

Do you think there is a chance that there might've been an iota of spite in your step-daughter wanting this when she knew you wanted it too????

Probably best not swept aside in any case as this may be something that you become more annoyed/bitter about over time

@Hullaballooooo I said this to him, how would it work? I see his SD only at weekends, usually EOW so who’s house does it stay at if it’s half mine? Do I do all the running around if we decide up swap over seeing as she can’t drive?
Also I have no doubt her mum will be borrowing it as she does with all the other expensive things we buy SD. How does he think I’ll feel seeing his Ex with a bag that is supposedly half mine?
The whole thing is ridiculous and completely thoughtless isn’t it

I sincerely hope there was no spite in it from SD, we have a lovely relationship and she followed me around like a puppy when she came home earlier. She’s really nice to me in general

It really is, I'm sorry!
Maybe show him this thread?

for you as belated b'day pressies!!!

You say you are annoyed OP but seem to be going to do nothing about it.
You are setting a precedent here that he can not bother getting you anything for your birthday and also are accepting the 'he's so disorganised so can't arrange my birthday weekend' bullshit.
As people have already pointed out, he can manage it- you are just not high enough on his priorities.
Get angry. Put a stop to this now. He organises an appropriate birthday present/weekend away without your help. Otherwise you are in for a lot more disappointment and resentment in your relationship.

For a laugh print off and present to him a schedule of the bag share schedule for the rest of the year.
Ask him to tell dsd....

Why did you pay for his DDs yo go to the concert? I'd be really wary about this situation. He first seen very kind, supportive or loving at all towards you. Maybe he is, but it isn't coming across that way. I can see what he'd get from your relationship (you're easy going, tolerant, warm, friendly, generous, don't challenge him much - do you do lots of wife work, housework and emotional support too?) But what do you get from it? Is this a relationship you want to model to your daughter? Would you be happy for her to be in a relationship like this?

Why did you pay for his DDs yo go to the concert? because it was a popstar all the girls love so I wanted to treat them to it. Is that weird?

do you do lots of wife work, housework and emotional support too?
No housework is split 50/50, actually I don’t lift a finger when his kids are with us at all. I obviously offer emotional support because we’re in a relationship.

But what do you get from it? Is this a relationship you want to model to your daughter? Would you be happy for her to be in a relationship like this?
He’s very loving and kind, he’s usually very generous and does lots of kind things and goes out of his way to please everyone but is just shit when it comes to presents.
He just always puts his kids first, even when it isn’t necessary if that makes sense? Kids have needs that should always come first but they shouldn’t come first in every situation imho

OP,
You read like such a nice, calm, tolerant woman.
Putting up with a lot
He's not nice, kind or generous.
He's mean, tight and is utterly taking you for granted.
You are worth so much more that how he thinks he can treat you.

It's great not to be a high maintenance diva type woman but conversely for a gift to be sharing a handbag is just so mean, and disrespectful of who you are, frankly I would tell him wtf and get away from me until he figures it out.
He'd be certainly no loss.
Best of luck.

It's not weird for you to pay for his girls if the relationship is equally balanced. But maybe it's weird if he treats his daughter, but won't buy you a birthday present. And you treat her too. Does he treat your daughter as much as you treat his? This is kind of putting you and your daughter at the bottom of the pile isn't it? Do you think that's ok?

@namechange5575 he has 2 DDs. I suppose he doesn’t really “treat” my DD but she is treated fairly when we’re all together. When he’s spending money on his girls they’re generally on their own. He wouldn’t leave my DD out if we were there too though.

You say he's very loving, kind and generous - is he loving and kind and generous to you though? And your daughter? As much as to his children?

For example - would he buy you and your daughter a ticket to a concert he was taking his girls to?

@namechange5575 it’s never arisen but I’m sure he would? This concert was the first concert his youngest DD had ever been to that’s why I wanted to get the tickets to do something nice.

I take my 9yo DD to concerts all the time on my own and don’t invite SDs. But usually that’s because I’ve bought the tickets as a Christmas or birthday for my DD. I generally do a lot more stuff like that with my DD than he does with his kids, I take her away for weekends etc. because I enjoy having time with her on my own

Regardless of how 'nice' you all are to each other. He couldn't be arsed to bother with your birthday. I bet you'd be a cunt if you 'forgot" his kids at Christmas.

Maybe it's the way you're responding op. I know many people think birthdays are over rated, and I know you said he will book your night away today. But I simply can't imagine a scenario where I would get nothing on the day from my husband, even if just a card and flowers.

My birthday is just before Xmas and as my gift was going away for a long weekend abroad , he rushed out with my daughter and bought me a bottle of vintage champagne because he simply couldn't have me waking up with no gift from him, even though I really didn't want anything, and the holiday was enough and yes it was already booked. I would do the same for him, I'd always make sure I recognised the day even if it was just some blinking socks.

You keep saying he's is kind and generous. Yet he got you sod all on your birthday, has failed to organise your night away, and then got you a half share in a discounted bag which he expects you to share with his fourteen year old daughter. Which is just embarrassing. No grown woman wants to share a hand bag with a teenager.

You say he's just disorganised, but he can chose to be organised when it suits him. Work. His kids, whatever, when he wishes to be organised he is. And now he's pretending to not understand why you wouldn't wish half shares in a bag with his fourteen year old, and kidding on he has in some way been generous to you by splashing 25 quid on it.

Honestly for most people the whole thing would suck. He really doesn't come across as a kind generous man. No bloke I know would do what he's doing to you.

I have never encountered a situation in which women would share a handbag.

Maybe a fancy clutch that you use very occasionally as an evening thing, but not a proper, everyday use handbag. It's a very personal thing.

The man obviously doesn't understand handbags. Ask if he's ok sharing a pair of shoes with his father in law.

Sharing a bag is weird.

Ask him to ask at work how many people share a bag with another person. Put a poll online (here?) and show him. What sort of bags does he use? Tell him he is to share his messenger bag, washbag or laptopbag with someone.

He needs to realise this is weird.

He’s done it for a reason also, maybe as people have said because it was a bit much to treat his daughter when he didn’t get you a birthday present. Didn’t they have two bags? That would have been sweet.

@Bluntness100
I simply can't imagine a scenario where I would get nothing on the day from my husband, even if just a card and flowers
I’ve said several times I got a card and two bunches of flowers? One was from him, the other from his kids.

Sorry you know what mean... they weren’t directly from him, the flowers I mean but he obviously went out and bought them for the girls to give to me. And I did get a card