Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about this?

259 replies

FanjoFizz · 01/06/2019 13:26

It was my birthday last week, not a significant one. DP asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said I don’t really need anything but I’d like us to do a night away somewhere just us. We both work full time and have kids from previous relationships who we are weekends tend to revolve around, so rarely get any time on our own.

We discussed the weekend away as a present from March (so two months worth of payday prior to my birthday). Not expecting anywhere expensive but a night in a hotel, on our own would be bliss.

He’s booked nothing, not even picked a city. On my actual birthday I got two identical bunches of supermarket flowers from his kids and birthday cards, very sweet but nothing directly from him.

Today he’s taken his eldest daughter to a shopping outlet village and she text me a picture of a high-street designer bag I have had saved in my online wish list for a while and said it was reduced to £50. I commented that wow it was a good price.

Anyway then DP calls me on their way home and said SD couldn’t afford the bag on her own so he’s paid half towards it and now we have to share the bag? Wtf??!
I don’t want to share a handbag? That’s so bizarre, I don’t live with her and I would not ring a 14yr old to share custody of a fucking £50 handbag. How bizarre is this?!

I sort of laughed and said “Nah it’s clearly SD’s bag, enjoy it lovely girl!” To which he was quite stern and said “No it’s half yours”.

AIBU to think this is really odd? Why on earth would I want to share a bag with a teenager?

AIBU to think if he thought I’d like it then he should have just bought it for me as a belated birthday present? Or just treat SD to the £25 top up she needed in order for her to buy it? He’s definitely not hard up for £25/50?!

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 01/06/2019 14:44

Weird as fuck.

You need to sit him down and talk. Figure out what's going through his head.

Utterly bizarre...

minababelina · 01/06/2019 14:44

Could he be doing that on purpose and preparing a surprise?

diddl · 01/06/2019 14:45

"is he just one those men who don't understand handbags?"

But surely you have to be a bit daft to think that you could share one with someone you don't live with?

PhalangeReginaPhalange · 01/06/2019 14:46

What a bizarre situation! I’d be fuming you’ve handled it well with them!

Original poster
FanjoFizz · 01/06/2019 14:46

@minababelina nope 😂 SD is currently sporting the bag

OP posts:
1moremum · 01/06/2019 14:49

in the next week there is going to be a post about someone's ex giving their daughter a gift of a designer handbag but telling her she'd better take care of it so it stays nice cause it belongs half to Ex's girlfriend and how weird and cheap is that?

honestly, this would be odd if she were your own living in the house with you daughter. In which case I can see the two of you graciously loaning handbags as needed to match an outfit or whatever. but with your stepdaughter that lives elsewhere it's weird. It's like he had this idea, and spoke it out loud before realizing it was a crap idea, and now he knows it both from his own brain and your saying so, but he won't back down. His pride is involved at this point.

billy1966 · 01/06/2019 14:51

OP, sorry but I would be thinking very very hard about moving in an sharing my life with someone who is this mean towards me.
He's tight, whether you believe it or not.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 01/06/2019 14:53

Buy yourself some sexy lingerie. Tell him he can share the joy of you wearing it with the other man you’re shagging. Tell him he can have Monday, Wednesday and Friday, your lover will have Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, and on Sundays you’ll be having some ‘alone time’ with the bag.

S1naidSucks · 01/06/2019 14:53

Why would that be relevant?

I thought it was something like that. He thinks he has you now, so no longer has to keep up the pretence of being a good guy. As you get deeper into your relationship, the further his mask will slip.

escapade1234 · 01/06/2019 14:54

I’m I the only one who thinks the step-daughter should have insisted it was just for you? She knew it was the bag you liked. Maybe 14 isn’t mature enough for that.

MadCattery · 01/06/2019 14:58

I think you should ask if it would seem odd to purchase a wallet for him and ask him to share it. It's very similar. Men don't understand really, that our handbags are very personal. I don't loan mine out, nor would I expect a friend or relative to loan me one.

Bridget1983 · 01/06/2019 14:59

Pretty certain this is a clever ruse to trick you and you have a lovely surprise coming your way! If the behaviour is that out of character I’d hold out for another day or two on being pissed off 😊

escapade1234 · 01/06/2019 15:01

Sorry, I hadn’t read the thread.

Yes, I agree the daughter saw the bag, decided she wanted it and he felt he was in a tight spot. He wanted to please you both. This is his clumsy way of getting out of it.

He’s an idiot for doing it.

The daughter has also played you on this one I’m afraid. You’re phrasing things nicely but I can tell you know this too.

Outanabout · 01/06/2019 15:07

You should tell him you've shared the hilarious story online, everyone is cracking up, the thread is going into classics and the story has been picked up by a tabloid.

LillithsFamiliar · 01/06/2019 15:09

That is beyond bizarre. I thought it might have been a surprise/joke so he texts to say you have half a bag and then gets home and says 'voila! you don't need to share it after all!' And you cry tears of gratitude at getting a whole bag to yourself with no custody agreement Grin
The PP who mentioned the shift since you got engaged might be on to something. Start telling the bag custody agreement to all your and his friends as in 'this is so funny, you'll never guess'. His reaction will tell you a lot about his motivation.

Outanabout · 01/06/2019 15:09

In reality though I'd be thinking the relationship had run its course 😥

PCohle · 01/06/2019 15:11

In reality though I'd be thinking the relationship had run its course 😥

Seriously? That seems a bit of an overreaction to a one off odd decision. OP sounds like she has a great relationship with her partner's kids and no other concerns about his attitude to money.

CupoTeap · 01/06/2019 15:12

Ask him what your spots are in this timeshare.

marcus2000 · 01/06/2019 15:14

Show him this thread ...

Original poster
FanjoFizz · 01/06/2019 15:16

@Bridget1983 definitely not. She’s wearing the bag as we speak and he’s not bought me anything. My birthday was last weekend so if a gift has not materialised by now doubt it will. I will get the weekend away, at some point. But I suspect it’ll be a while

OP posts:
Original poster
FanjoFizz · 01/06/2019 15:17

We’ve been engaged for 5 months and no weirdness until now 🤷🏼‍♀️
I think it’s likely he’s Disney dadding and wanted to please SD then panicked when he realised it was the bag I wanted so has now told SD we have to share

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 01/06/2019 15:21

Well, maybe he thinks now that he's got his feet under your table and things are 'set' (engagement etc), he feels comfortable enough to let his mask slip?
The fact is that he couldn't be arsed to get you a gift or organise anything despite knowing what you'd like.
He did this to you on your significant birthday and now he's done it again.

Stop making excuses for him and laughing it off like it's just a 'bizarre' 'silly' thing.
It's deliberate.
More energy has gone into avoiding buying/doing anything specifically for your birthday than it would have taken to just buy you something.

i think either he's pulling back because his feelings have changed, or his mask is slipping to show his real colours.

Either way i wouldn't be laughing it off and brushing it under the carpet.

Outanabout · 01/06/2019 15:24

PCohle I suspected the writing was on the wall when I got a weird birthday present. I was a silversmith before I had children, and one year my now-ex arrived back from a trip abroad with a cheap shit base-metal bracelet for me. So obviously bought last minute as he headed to the plane, he couldn't even pretend to be bothered. Asking your partner to be grateful for a time-share bought-on-sale handbag is in a similar vein.

Original poster
FanjoFizz · 01/06/2019 15:25

To be fair to him he booked next week off work to try and take me away but he didn’t check with me first. I can’t get the time off and my mum is away so I have no childcare, he’s just disorganised. I don’t think he’s a horrible person or has been wearing a mask.
He’s always been crap at getting things sorted, it’s nothing new. I’m just annoyed that he had the opportunity to do something nice for me today and instead made it into something bizarre and was more worried about SD’s feelings than mine.
He must have known I would never ask to use the bag surely?

OP posts:
Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 01/06/2019 15:26

His ex should have just said she was sharing her fanjo with his mate +him! Fairs fair!!