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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to give BM the pasting she deserves

295 replies

volcano28 · 01/06/2019 07:58

Long story short -Steps sons mother has always been a total nightmare . All the usual stuff a lot of ppl experience. Her family are all enablers -she does what she likes when she likes with no thought for anyone else or the consequences and no one ever (inc my husband) call her out on it. Which I think makes people worse as they come to believe their behaviour is acceptable. What's really ticked me off is SS has done nothing al half term even though she doesn't work , has plenty of money and a car, he was supposed to be going to a theme park yesterday with some friends and their family near where we live -before coming here for the weekend -but she didn't wake him up in time so he missed it -so to try and spite my husband ss has missed out 😯 this is because we live 3 hours away so he has to drive to pick him up and drop him back for contact where as he could have been 20mins away! . I don't care about Dh having to drive I care about the fact she's put wanting to make Dh life harder (which it doesn't he's more than happy to drive any distance) before ss having a great day out . And I want to contact her and tell her how I feel -I've always had to 'rise above it ' for 14yrs ! But on the other hand she'd love it as getting a reaction 😣 maybe I just needed a bit of a rant get it off my chest

OP posts:
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 01/06/2019 14:40

@Sagradafamiliar
Yes really Hmm

I asked so I can understand and not be the cause of someone's future triggering.

LillithsFamiliar · 01/06/2019 14:55

Either DSS is a self-sacrificing teen who supports his mum, won't leave her and spends every waking hour looking after younger siblings . . . or he's a teen who sleeps in when there's a day out planned and doesn't even wake up when his friends are at the door. He can't be both.
It sounds as though he's playing you. There could be any number of reasons for that ie he'd rather be with his friends at home; he resents the fact his DF moved so far away and doesn't see why he should spend 6 hours travelling to facilitate seeing him; he's a typical teen who'd rather play on electronics at home, etc, etc.
He's not ever going to turn round and say he doesn't want to come to your's not when he can just blame his DM instead.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 01/06/2019 15:12

Yes. Mumset is full of abbreviations, but unless referring to an adoption, BM is not one of them. She is just his mother.

The use of that abbreviation has tainted everything you say and makes it seem unreasonable. Because it displays a lot about how you view her.

Yes, you are SM, but she is just his mother.

Aside from that you sound like you have a cause for grievance. I’m sorry today has gone so badly for you and that you have not found the support you wanted here.

stucknoue · 01/06/2019 15:15

At 14 it's his responsibility to wake himself up and actually start travelling by public transport for contact (obviously you pay the cost but save so much driving

stucknoue · 01/06/2019 15:17

Ps I haven't woken my kids up since they started high school (at 10 here) they were bought alarm clocks!

Original poster
volcano28 · 01/06/2019 15:47

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood
It's not ruined my day by any stretch - we've taken the kids all out and had a great time . You may feel using the wrong terminology has tainted everything I've said but I don't - , I said I'd made a mistake and nothing I've said justifies calling me a c**t either.
For those speculating what I think of her through what I've said on here - I think she's a poor excuse of a mother that's forever put herself first. I'm allowed an opinion
Bye 👋

OP posts:
Snapandyourgone · 01/06/2019 15:56

You havent answered.

If she has forever put herself first why didnt your husband fight tooth and nail to have his son with him?

Original poster
volcano28 · 01/06/2019 15:59

I haven't read every single comment I'm sick of it now - dss wants to stay with his mother , he has an open invitation to live with us -courts take his opinion into consideration. And for the record Dh didn't move away -she's moved several times following various boyfriends over the years -we can't follow them too as one of my ds has a disability and is settled in his school -and why should we

OP posts:
Original poster
volcano28 · 01/06/2019 15:59

@Snapandyourgone have you got any experience with family courts or just assuming ?

OP posts:
Ravingstarfish · 01/06/2019 16:03

I think at 14 he can be responsible for himself by setting an alarm and so what if he’s done nothing all week, half term doesn’t mean full on holiday every time surely? He could have been relaxing, revising or whatever.
If she’s as bad as you say then why hasn’t your husband gone for custody? And why hasn’t social services ever been involved etc?

TheRealShatParp · 01/06/2019 16:04

I thought you were talking about a young kid, but 14?!

Snapandyourgone · 01/06/2019 16:08

He is 14 and she has (according to you) always been horrible and never put him first.

There were years where your husband could have fought to have him living with him, before the child ended up feeling he had to stay with his mother.

Either she isnt as bad as you are making out, or its suited your husband to not have his son living with you both for quite a while.

Original poster
volcano28 · 01/06/2019 16:08

It was his one opportunity for a day out with his friends, we've made up for his shit half term today and will do tomorrow - social services have been involved over the years and the courts but he's always wanted to stay with her. And social services / cafcass have done their best to facilitate that.
I'm done with this thread now

OP posts:
Snapandyourgone · 01/06/2019 16:11

If she was as bad as you make out, what he wanted when he was 4 or 6 or 8, would have mattered.

Your husband would have been fighting for years. In courts. How many times did he make applications for residency?

You are done with this thread, because you know she isnt that bad or know you husband didnt do enough for his son.

hsegfiugseskufh · 01/06/2019 16:12

snap i dont think you have any right to say that at all.

Snapandyourgone · 01/06/2019 16:13

PlantPotParrot lucky for me I dont need your permission to post my opinion.

hsegfiugseskufh · 01/06/2019 16:15

No you dont. Youre free to make yourself look like an insensitive judgemental twat if you want to i suppose.

Rachelle11 · 01/06/2019 16:16

I'm curious about what makes it so triggering and I'm an adoptee as well.

Snapandyourgone · 01/06/2019 16:17

Youre free to make yourself look like an insensitive judgemental twat if you want to i suppose.

As opposed to looking like a self righteous tit who thinks they have the right to sensor everyone else?

hsegfiugseskufh · 01/06/2019 16:20

Im hardly being self righteous saying maybe you shouldn't state "facts" about something you clearly know fuck all about Hmm

scubadive · 01/06/2019 16:22

I think his mother was awful not waking him up, incredibly mean but if you call her out she could start making visits more difficult. I can’t imagine leaving any of my teenage children in bed if they had the opportunity fir a day out with friends. Children can also get up quickly, surely the friends parents could have waited 5 mins for her to wake him. Throw some clothes on, brush teeth, cereal bar in car, it all sounds very odd. Are you sure he didn’t refuse to get up, just can’t believe a mum behaving like this. ☹️

Snapandyourgone · 01/06/2019 16:23

Im hardly being self righteous saying maybe you shouldn't state "facts" about something you clearly know fuck all about

Yeah. You are. And you are a tit for thinking you can tell people what they can and cant say.

It's obvious that the mother isnt that bad, or the ops husband could have done more.

Ravingstarfish · 01/06/2019 16:24

I agree with snap if mum is that bloody awful there’s been over a decade of time where the child’s wishes aren’t taken into consideration, from a year old to around 12.
Op just comes across as wanting everyone to bash the mum when the child is old enough to set an alarm and doing nothing for half term is pretty mush what most families do .

hsegfiugseskufh · 01/06/2019 16:25

It's obvious that the mother isnt that bad, or the ops husband could have done more

It isnt obvious at all. You clearly have very little understanding of the situation.

Snapandyourgone · 01/06/2019 16:26

It isnt obvious at all. You clearly have very little understanding of the situation.

I take it you are th OP then?

How do you have more of the understanding, if not?