To want to give BM the pasting she deserves

[volcano28]

Long story short -Steps sons mother has always been a total nightmare . All the usual stuff a lot of ppl experience. Her family are all enablers -she does what she likes when she likes with no thought for anyone else or the consequences and no one ever (inc my husband) call her out on it. Which I think makes people worse as they come to believe their behaviour is acceptable. What's really ticked me off is SS has done nothing al half term even though she doesn't work , has plenty of money and a car, he was supposed to be going to a theme park yesterday with some friends and their family near where we live -before coming here for the weekend -but she didn't wake him up in time so he missed it -so to try and spite my husband ss has missed out 😯 this is because we live 3 hours away so he has to drive to pick him up and drop him back for contact where as he could have been 20mins away! . I don't care about Dh having to drive I care about the fact she's put wanting to make Dh life harder (which it doesn't he's more than happy to drive any distance) before ss having a great day out . And I want to contact her and tell her how I feel -I've always had to 'rise above it ' for 14yrs ! But on the other hand she'd love it as getting a reaction 😣 maybe I just needed a bit of a rant get it off my chest

I am adopted and I find the term birth mother deeply offensive, whether it is in real life or on mumsnet. There isn't much I do find offensive, but this term is triggering and disrespectful and dehumanising and really quite grim to me as an adoptee

A tangent, but I'm involved in an adoption at the moment (family member is adopting) and the term Birth Mother is part of the general terminology used. Were you aware of that (genuine question, as it may come up and it appears from my experience to be an acceptable term - not in the case of step children,agreed)

@dontbitetheboobthatfeedsyou

In this situation "mother" obviously because it isn't an adoption situation.

If you started another thread in the context of adoption I would contribute, if you @ me so that I knew where the thread was.

So, the real problem isn't that she didn't wake him, it is that she disallows every single potential modern alarm clock, and presumably any old fashioned clock radio or wind up alarm clock meaning the otherwise responsible 14 year old is dependent upon her waking him up, and she didn't.

Details matter. it sucks, but the poor kids is going to have to start working around her. Perhaps his dad needs to lay down the law about having his gifts of tech sold off. Perhaps you can buy him a wind up alarm which has no resale value. Perhaps his dad needs to seek actual custody.

your first post is a bit scattered and its a bit of a drip feed to understand what the real problem is, that the kid isn't even allowed to have the tools needed to take care of getting himself up, and it sounds like she wants him around for free child-minding during the holiday too.

I also thought birth mother was the right terminology as well. It's important for me to know in the career I'm going into so I don't to offend anyone.

I agree, it's not correct in this situation at all.

I just wondered what you would prefer.
It's never crossed my mind that it might offend someone, it's something I would like to be aware of.
I'm not sure it needs a whole thread though. It was just a quick question.

@DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou I will be honest, if anybody referred to me as BM to my children I would go all sorts of ape!

They have one mum!

DP is my DDs step dad, he would never refer to her dad as birth/biological dad. He is her dad, she only has one!

Technically BM is correct, but parents become defensive about it. Me included.

Anyway, OP if this is a long line of stuff over 14 years that has happened, I would get that you want to say something! I understand that!
As PP have stated though, there may br a reason she didn't wake him up. It is blinking annoying when a teen refuses to wake! My DD is the worse waker ever! I have to wake up earlier to fit in the wake up routine into my routine! Even so, would I let her miss out on a day with her friends? No, I wouldn't, I would feel guilty.
The phone thing, its hard. DD had a lovely phone, Her dad disagrees with her having it so she doesn't take it to his house out of respect for his rules at his house. (Even if he calls her on said phone every night so they can chat)

I don't believe you should say anything though, as hard as it is. How she parents at her house is up to her. It really has nothing to do with you as frustrating as it is! It is lovely that you care so much though! The best thing to do would possibly support you SS if and when needed. If his Mum is really vindictive your SS will soon realise one day and when he does you and DH need to support him...without slagging off his mum, but bu saying 'lets try to make things better so it works for everyone'

None of this quite adds up
And if he’s not allowed a phone and only allowed to contact his dad under his mums watchful eye then how come hecwas even able to tell you that it was his mums fault he didn’t get up and that he was having to mind the younger kids all week.... though obviously not having to mind them this morning

Dd had a lovely phone was meant to say DD has her own phone. There is nothing lovely about it 🙄

Would you all seriously let your kids miss out on something like this just to teach them a lesson?

Depends. If my 14 year old has his own alarm clock and had been causing problems for me (constant phone calls from school) because he was refusing to get out of bed, yes, absolutely it would be a good lesson to learn that you need to be responsible and get out of bed when the alarm goes off because in the real world there are consequences.

Would I do it to spite his dad? No. I would, however, explain to dad that I was at breaking point and if he didn’t get up, there was no way I would be giving him a nudge. My ex is an absolute toss-pot but I am 99% sure he would back me up on this kind of issue.

I think you are making it personal.

My xh does this. Everything that our children do or don't do that he himself would wish they did or didn't do, he doesn't understand that they are autonomous agents. He can only view them as vessels to be controlled (by me, apparently).

So if your 14 step son sleeps in, that is his responsibility. You need to detach from having such a strong reaction to the outcome of a 14 year old boy sleeping in.

I have a lot going on in my (single parent) family and I've learnt the hard way to detach from other people blaming me for what I cannot control.

@Iputthescrewinthetuna

Right. Step Dad and Dad goes without saying. It wouldn't even make sense to refer to her Dad as birth Dad.

But when a person is telling you about the woman who raised her (Mum) and refers to the woman who gave birth to her, how does she describe the person who gave birth to her?

And obviously your own children wouldn't refer to you as their birth mum. Why would they? There would never be any need to 'go all kinds of ape'.

I also thought the term ''birth mother'' was really dismissive in this context. A birth mother has no parental responsibility but you go on to criticise her for not being responsible. Therefore, even in your own narrative ''birth mother'' is clearly not the right term.

WRT the getting up I’m kind of on the fence. Ds1 could get himself up reliably and out the door from 12, ds2 it’s kind of more a work in progress. I can maybe see myself letting him miss something as a natural consequence if all else had failed, but probably not when it would inconvenience anyone other than himself.
WRT the phones if she is taking them and selling them then that is completely and utterly out of order. But teens aren’t always honest about lost or broken phones. I’ve just been there with ds2 and he had told me and my ex two different stories. It’s only because I could speak calmly to my ex (and that’s been a work in progress as well) that we both know the truth.
I think all you can really do as a step parent is be kind to your dss, and supportive of your dh (which I’m sure you are).

Funny because i havent

PlantPot. There are any number of threads in which a step mum berates a mum for being less than perfect. Such threads usually centre on maintenance, vodka, mental health, designer clothes and numerous boyfriends. Those of us who have ex’s who tell their new partners about our mental health problems that are exacerbated by our vodka consumption whilst wearing designer clothes and shagging our 15th boyfriend this month frequently challenge such threads because en masse, our experience is quite different. That is not to deny that some mothers behave appallingly and some step mums do an amazing job in difficult circumstances. Unfortunately, many step mums do not want to face the reality that the ex is a normal person doing her best to get on with life. Never perfect but rarely warranting Social Service intervention. That’s when step mums get jumped on.

Unfortunately, many step mums do not want to face the reality that the ex is a normal person doing her best to get on with life. Never perfect but rarely warranting Social Service intervention. That’s when step mums get jumped on

Unfortunately for a lot of us we have seen the mothers behaviour with our own eyes, we have personally been on receipt of their threats, we have witnessed them physically attack others. We have seen the viscious messages, the 30 missed phone calls.

We havent been told theyre less than perfect, we know they are. There is nothing wrong with being comcerned about how a child you care for is being parented.

Step parents shouldn't be jumped on for being concerned, nor should it be assumed we are silly little women who hang on our husbands every word and have been spun a line.

A lot of the time its true. Step parents who have an amicable relationship with the other parent are so much less likely to have issues and need advice so clearly wont have the need to post as much as those who do not have an amicable relationship.

I dont think anyone has mentioned social services so im not sure why youve even brought that up.

I wholeheartedly wish my dps ex was a normal nice caring woman. My life would be so much easier and dss life would too. I assume this is the same for a lot of step parents. Most of us want an easy life the same as any other parent.

Step back from this OP. You're ovely invested a situation that you can't change. This is not your child and you are really playing into the typical poor SS and their terrible mother narrative. This is for your DH to worry about but shouldnt be impacting your life aside from you being welcoming to DSS. I was where you are a couple of years ago as a new sm. My DSS (now 15) would tell us all sorts about his awful home life and I would fall for every word. How he didn't have any food, could only shower weekly, didnt go to school because he didnt have the right uniform etc. On further discussion it turned out his mother just hadn't bought the particular cereal he liked or he had chosen not to eat breakfast despite appropriate options being available, that he wasnt not allowed to shower but wouldn't do it without prompting, and that he was actually hiding in the house so his mum thought he'd already gone to school and would bunk off. Teenagers are fabulous story tellers and poor at personal accountability. At his age your SS is more than capable of getting his bum out of bed. He's learnt a valuable life lesson here hasn't he. He's also capable of looking after his belongings if he wants to. Have you had your own children OP because i now I have, I've realised that DSS is of course going home and spinning tales about us to his mum to. If his home life is so awful what is your DH doing about it? How many court applications, SS referrals, NSPCC calls, meetings with his ex? My DSS lives in a shit hole and refuses to clean his room (his mum wont do it either) but no one did anything. Sadly for me it's only after becoming a parent that I see the situation for what it is and know that its not my circus and not my monkeys.

PlantPot. Should have known you would be unable to take that post at face value. You had to have a go, didn’t you. Never mind.

FYou have obviously never lived with someone emotionally abusive*
No but I've been a 14 to of seperste parents, friends with kids with also seperated parents. I was lucky that my parents got along well and never believed the other would a t unreasonably so I got away with thing but my friends? They actually made bets on getting from what parent what the other refused them and OMG did it work because the parent a were only too happy to annoy the other. I used to envy them?

If the mother in this case is so abusive why didn't OP's partner reported her to SS and went for residency?

@DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou
Right, I get that, I believe that circumstance is totally different. And have experience of this.
My mum calls the woman who raised her, Mum and refers to her BM as bio mum when she is talking about her. She then will call her by name once who is who is cleared up.

However, in a step parents case, it is step mum and mum. Although OP was vlearly mistaken and has explained was a mistake, I will use her as an example.
She is the stepmum, she made that clear by saying stepson. When she refers to another woman as mum, there is no need to clarify that this woman gave birth to him.

Through adoption I can see where bio mum comes into play, but with a simple parent and step parent scenario there is no need to decipher the mum as bio mum.

I am prob rambling a bit, but hope I have made sense

I wasnt having a go i was explaining it from another perspective. Thats allowed you know.

swing im not specifically talking about this mother.. youd have to ask op that not me... some children will stay living with an abusive parents for many reasons. Not all 14yo are scheming little brats.

A tangent, but I'm involved in an adoption at the moment (family member is adopting) and the term Birth Mother is part of the general terminology used. Were you aware of that (genuine question, as it may come up and it appears from my experience to be an acceptable term

Actually a lot of adoptees (including myself) find it deeply offensive and triggering. Just no one ever listens to us

Can I ask what is triggering about it?

Really, don't

@Hedgehogblues

I had no idea. Is there another term my family and I can use?

My relatives have just been matched with a child so it's all ifs and buts right now.