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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to give BM the pasting she deserves

295 replies

volcano28 · 01/06/2019 07:58

Long story short -Steps sons mother has always been a total nightmare . All the usual stuff a lot of ppl experience. Her family are all enablers -she does what she likes when she likes with no thought for anyone else or the consequences and no one ever (inc my husband) call her out on it. Which I think makes people worse as they come to believe their behaviour is acceptable. What's really ticked me off is SS has done nothing al half term even though she doesn't work , has plenty of money and a car, he was supposed to be going to a theme park yesterday with some friends and their family near where we live -before coming here for the weekend -but she didn't wake him up in time so he missed it -so to try and spite my husband ss has missed out 😯 this is because we live 3 hours away so he has to drive to pick him up and drop him back for contact where as he could have been 20mins away! . I don't care about Dh having to drive I care about the fact she's put wanting to make Dh life harder (which it doesn't he's more than happy to drive any distance) before ss having a great day out . And I want to contact her and tell her how I feel -I've always had to 'rise above it ' for 14yrs ! But on the other hand she'd love it as getting a reaction 😣 maybe I just needed a bit of a rant get it off my chest

OP posts:
Snapandyourgone · 01/06/2019 10:30

He is 14. and a court will take into account his wishes. But if he feels he cant leave her there is quite alot you and your husband can/ could have done.

You have had 14 years to actually to get him living with you.

You can still speak with SS if you feel he is being abused. Etc.

I cant believe this has been going off this long and your husband hasnt been to court to have is son living with him

IrishGal21 · 01/06/2019 10:32

I see this is a thread from Bitchnet.....OP ignore the haydurs :)

dreamyspires · 01/06/2019 10:37

Of course 14 year olds are capable of waking themselves, but so what. They don’t always do what they’re supposed to do. Most normal mothers would give them a shout. I remember in my first job at 15, I was a nightmare for getting up. Every single morning my mum would bang on the ceiling just below my bedroom to get me out of my lazy pit. It’s what mums have always done isn’t it, I’ve done it with my kids, it’s how they eventually learn for themselves to do it. It doesn’t always come natural. I should imagine most mums would do the same.

itbemay · 01/06/2019 10:39

14 year old boys really do just as they please! His mum may be utterly fed up of trying to get him up / moving / meeting up with friends and though sod it, let him do what he likes. I know you say there is a back story but honestly, as the step mum to a now 29 year old - let it go, you'll have a much better relationship with your SS and one day even his mum. Life is far too short.

AdelaideK · 01/06/2019 10:40

Hmm I think if the stepson had wanted to go he would have got up in time.

I have a 15 year old who can sleep for England but he's always up in time if it's something he's looking forward to.

Oswin · 01/06/2019 10:46

I thought this thread was gonna be a bridezilla wanting to beat up her bridesmaid. I got very excited.

Op she sounds like a dick. But telling her she's a dick will not be a good idea.

CecilyP · 01/06/2019 11:02

Hmm I think if the stepson had wanted to go he would have got up in time.

^Seriously? What 14 year old wouldn’t want to go to a theme park? It’s hardly a hardship is? If he hadn’t wanted to go he could have just told his friend.

14 year old boys really do just as they please! His mum may be utterly fed up of trying to get him up / moving / meeting up with friends and though sod it, let him do what he likes.

But this was hardly the right time to do this to teach her son a lesson! In doing so she was reneging on arrangements already made with 2 other families; disappointing the family who had kindly agreed to take him, and disrupting OP and her DH’s weekend unnecessarily.

Yabbers · 01/06/2019 11:04

SMs always get attacked a bit on here.
I’ve seen plenty who aren’t. Often there’s a whole lot of support. Much of it comes down to tone.

I don’t understand why she couldn’t just wake him up. Who wouldn’t do that?
A mum who is exasperated because her teenage son is refusing to be responsible and is constantly late because he won’t get out of bed. Seems like a great way of having him learn natural consequences.

JingsMahBucket · 01/06/2019 11:05

@Hullygully
When you read nasty thick stupid posts that are simply an excuse for posters to squeeze their bile spots all over Mn, you begin to understand Brexit more clearly.

Indeed. The lack of reading comprehension skills and unusually short fuses on MN never ceases to amaze me.

@volcano28 it sounds like your SS is being emotionally abused and manipulated by his mother. The fact that he thinks she needs him is a red flag that is quite telling. She may be feeding him lines about being a poor single mother and she may be using her son as a husband replacement. I’ve seen this before unfortunately. Start posting in the Step-Mum section of MN for more support. A lot of previous posters woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or are actual genuine trolls. And, a lot of birth mothers on here are really defensive and bitter about their ex’s new partners. Flowers

Yabbers · 01/06/2019 11:06

Would you all seriously let your kids miss out on something like this just to teach them a lesson?
Absolutely. If they are still relying on mummy to get them out of bed at 14 then there is a problem that needs to be fixed.

Princessmama18 · 01/06/2019 11:11

Wow I am shocked at how unecessarily nasty some of you are!

People post on mn for advice/opinions/support, not abuse and bullying.

Yes by 14 he should be able to get himself up but if it was my son going for a nice planned day out and wasn't up then I would wake him so he doesn't miss out. I feel sorry for the son/step son.

hsegfiugseskufh · 01/06/2019 11:12

I’ve seen plenty who aren’t

Funny because i havent.

A mum who is exasperated because her teenage son is refusing to be responsible and is constantly late because he won’t get out of bed. Seems like a great way of having him learn natural consequences

We have no idea if thats the case. Equally maybe she just cba or is a shit parent?

I dont think that inconveniencing 2 other families is acceptable just to teach your teenager a lesson. Do that when it doesnt fuck up other people's plans.

swingofthings · 01/06/2019 11:18

As someone has already mentioned, your ds is playing you up and you seem to be completely falling for it. He is probably clever and worked out that both dies will pick on any ex use to bash and blame the other one whilst he gets to come as a victim.

I think you have been given a real hard time that wasn't warranted but I do think you are either quite a bit naive or blended by your satisfaction to bash his mum. Let's be honest, any 14yo, almost 15, whose mother takes his mobile phone away from him, not once but a number of times and sell them is never going to think 'I would love to live with you but I need to be there to look after my mum'. No chance at all. He'd be jumping on the opportunity to live with you and enjoy a phone like all his friends and access to the Internet. He isn't doing it because he would get caught out.

At almost 15, I would definitely let my DS miss on a day out if he couldn't get up on time if getting up on time to go to school was a recurrent problem. If he wanted to go so badly, he would have made sure he was up.

There are most likely a number of circumstances where the mum has acted spitefully but you've used the wrong instance to illustrate it.

hsegfiugseskufh · 01/06/2019 11:19

your ds is playing you up and you seem to be completely falling for it. He is probably clever and worked out that both dies will pick on any ex use to bash and blame the other one whilst he gets to come as a victim

You have absolutely no idea if any of that is true Hmm

TwinklyMummaLuvsHerBubba89 · 01/06/2019 11:20

I have similar aged teen daughters.

They are a nightmare.

We never do anything with them, apparently.

What they mean is, we don't take them to the Trafford Centre every spare second and give them free reign with out debit cards

So far this week I was working 3 days, so Thurs /Fri I said "suggest something to do" and all I got back was "you'll just say no" and yes, if they're asking for a trip to the bloody Trafford Centre, it's a no. But they don't come up with anything, so I came up with ideas and they were all "booooring"

So I end up taking my youngest out and leaving the teens to wallow in their self-pity.

So, his mum may have tried to suggest stuff but may have received a sulky teen response.

hsegfiugseskufh · 01/06/2019 11:20

Let's be honest, any 14yo, almost 15, whose mother takes his mobile phone away from him, not once but a number of times and sell them is never going to think 'I would love to live with you but I need to be there to look after my mum'. No chance at all

You have obviously never lived with someone emotionally abusive.

Illberidingshotgun · 01/06/2019 11:23

Yabbers many of us, including teens, will need tools to assist us in getting up. At 14 I absolutely wanted my DC to take responsibility for getting themselves up, but they had phones by that stage, and would set alarms. They would put their phones on the other side of room on occasions, to ensure they physically got up. If friends were picking them up then they would ask the friends to call when they were leaving, to make sure they were ready. It's not hard to learn these skills.

However this young man isn't allowed a phone, and I suspect an alarm clock or clock radio would be treated in the same way as the phones. He is simply reliant on waking up naturally, which, at that age, can be difficult in the mornings.

TwinklyMummaLuvsHerBubba89 · 01/06/2019 11:24

As for a 14 yo getting themselves up.

One of my teens is up and sorted, out the door for school with barely a word from me.

The other one.... Christ on a bike. That girl will not move out of her bed for love nor money. The house could be on fire and she'd still need a rocket up her backside before she'd get out of bed.

Patiopauline · 01/06/2019 11:28

I've been the 14 year old in this situation and you are being played like a fiddle. He knows you don't like his mum so there is zero chance of you talking to her so he can spin you whatever line he wants.

Your hatred of her is palpable so I would recommend you take a deep breath step back and see what happens. If a similar situation occurs ask him why he didn't set an alarm to get himself up. Ask him questions as to why he didn't take steps to help himself. He needs to understand he also has responsibility for his own behaviour. If you don't push this point he will continue have trouble in the future.

Boysey45 · 01/06/2019 11:30

The issue is the 14 year old being lazy, not taking responsibility for themselves. At that age they should be able to get up and pack a bag for the day etc. Also when I was that age we were all doing things with friends, not having parents organize and take us to activities/days out etc.
I'd stay out of it OP, your barking up the wrong tree.

summercloudpicturethis · 01/06/2019 11:33

YABU to use the term “birth mother”.
She is his MOTHER.
The only time it’s appropriate to add the “birth” is when the child sees themselves as having another mother (e.g. after adoption) and wants to use it

This was the first time the terminology was commented upon on this thread and I agree and it is important. I am adopted and I find the term birth mother deeply offensive, whether it is in real life or on mumsnet. There isn't much I do find offensive, but this term is triggering and disrespectful and dehumanising and really quite grim to me as an adoptee. Totally inappropriate in step situation. Terminology is important whether it is the point of the OP or not.

summercloudpicturethis · 01/06/2019 11:36

Re posting with bold

YABU to use the term “birth mother”.
She is his MOTHER.
The only time it’s appropriate to add the “birth” is when the child sees themselves as having another mother (e.g. after adoption) and wants to use it

This was the first time the terminology was commented upon on this thread and I agree and it is important. I am adopted and I find the term birth mother deeply offensive, whether it is in real life or on mumsnet. There isn't much I do find offensive, but this term is triggering and disrespectful and dehumanising and really quite grim to me as an adoptee. Totally inappropriate in step situation. Terminology is important whether it is the point of the OP or not.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 01/06/2019 11:38

@summercloudpicturethis

What is your preference? In order to differentiate between the person who birthed you and the person who raised you.

Mother and biological mother?

hsegfiugseskufh · 01/06/2019 11:39

Op has already apologised for the terminology, not that she should have to.

If it "triggers" you id suggest you stop reading about it.

Dana28 · 01/06/2019 11:39

When you read nasty thick stupid posts that are simply an excuse for posters to squeeze their bile spots all over Mn, you begin to understand Brexit more clearly.

What has any of that got to do with Brexit? Talk about a stretch! Apart from anything else mn is Remain through and through