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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to give BM the pasting she deserves

295 replies

volcano28 · 01/06/2019 07:58

Long story short -Steps sons mother has always been a total nightmare . All the usual stuff a lot of ppl experience. Her family are all enablers -she does what she likes when she likes with no thought for anyone else or the consequences and no one ever (inc my husband) call her out on it. Which I think makes people worse as they come to believe their behaviour is acceptable. What's really ticked me off is SS has done nothing al half term even though she doesn't work , has plenty of money and a car, he was supposed to be going to a theme park yesterday with some friends and their family near where we live -before coming here for the weekend -but she didn't wake him up in time so he missed it -so to try and spite my husband ss has missed out 😯 this is because we live 3 hours away so he has to drive to pick him up and drop him back for contact where as he could have been 20mins away! . I don't care about Dh having to drive I care about the fact she's put wanting to make Dh life harder (which it doesn't he's more than happy to drive any distance) before ss having a great day out . And I want to contact her and tell her how I feel -I've always had to 'rise above it ' for 14yrs ! But on the other hand she'd love it as getting a reaction 😣 maybe I just needed a bit of a rant get it off my chest

OP posts:
Marnie76 · 01/06/2019 08:02

Why didn’t he set an alarm himself (I’m assuming he’s at least 14 from your OP)?

Ellisandra · 01/06/2019 08:02

YABU to use the term “birth mother”.
She is his MOTHER.
The only time it’s appropriate to add the “birth” is when the child sees themselves as having another mother (e.g. after adoption) and wants to use it.

Mixedupmummy · 01/06/2019 08:04

you're right that it won't achieve anything. it sounds incredibly frustrating though. your poor step son. he must be gutted to be missing a day out. definately away vent here though. tell all?

Raindropsonroses27 · 01/06/2019 08:04

Mmm I don't really think it's your place tbh. I can see why it's annoying but it should be your partner standing up to her not you.

Ellisandra · 01/06/2019 08:06

I also can’t make head nor tail of the detail of why he didn’t go to the theme park. There are typos and badly written sentences.

You said your husband was driving 3 hours to collect him. So what did it matter if he didn’t set his alarm? How long would it take him to get ready when his dad arrived? Makes no sense.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 01/06/2019 08:08

Not waking her son up for a day out seems mean but maybe it's nothing to do with your husband and more to do with her son. Could be she is trying to teach him to take responsibility for himself or she warned him that she wouldn't be available to wake him and he refused to set an alarm. I'm guessing he is over 14 years old and this is the time parents try to get teens to be more independent and accountable. Just guessing though, since I don't know what she's like as a mum generally.
I did think this thread was going to be about bridesmaids - your step son's mum is his mum, not his birth mum. She hasn't put him up for adoption and using birth mum minimises who she is, which is one of the things that tend to annoy mothers when being spoken about by their ex's wives.

Honestly, for your sake try to detach. It's up to your husband to deal with her if he feels she is behaving unfairly to their son or to himself (unless we were talking about actual neglectful parenting). It doesn't matter who enables her in her own family, that's not your problem.

LouiseMiltonSpatula · 01/06/2019 08:08

I think at 14 your SS is probably old enough to get himself up for a fun treat like a theme park, but she does generally sound like a pain. I would continue to rise above it though - as you say, she wants a reaction!

Ellisandra · 01/06/2019 08:09

Oh wait, I get it - the theme park is near where you, not the friends that he went with. So he was supposed to basically get a lift near to you, and then your husband only had a 20 minute drive not 3 hours.

He’s at least 14. Are you sure he wanted to go? He’s old enough to set an alarm.

And this just doesn’t make sense. If the other family were expecting to take him, either they’d have arrived on his doorstep at the arranged time, or phoned to say “where is he?” when he failed to arrive at theirs. Alarm or, he could have been dressed and out in 15 minutes. Something’s off there - I don’t think he wanted to go.

AuntieStella · 01/06/2019 08:10

Agree, Elisandra

But terminology aside, the best thing you can do is support him in being self sufficient (such as being able to get up on time when he wants to go to a theme park)

It's totally normal btw to arrange nothing for teens during half-terms. They make their own, lie around like slugs and ignore revision. So I think your criticism of his mother on that head is misplaced.

Original poster
volcano28 · 01/06/2019 08:11

@Ellisandra
I'm not sure which part doesn't make sense ? He was supposed to be going to a theme park with friends close to where we live -yesterday . Dh would have picked him up from said theme park yesterday afterwards. He says his mother didn't wake him up in time to go , 14 year olds arnt the best time keepers or great at getting up early independently.

I only used the term BM as it's Mumsnet and full of abbreviations

OP posts:
CanILeavenowplease · 01/06/2019 08:11

You know that not everything a ‘BM’ does is about spiting the ex and his new partner, right?

What if he’s been refusing to get out of bed and has been late to school of late and she told him to get himself up or miss out as a lesson? Does that occur to you?

I have plenty of money and a car but I don’t spend school holidays running here, there and everywhere with my children. Sometimes quality time isn’t about ‘doing’, is it?

MrsPerfect12 · 01/06/2019 08:11

He's old enough to get himself up and he's also old enough to get a train or a bus to see his dad.
Maybe his mum tried waking him and he didn't get up.

pinkdelight · 01/06/2019 08:12

Was trying to work out who the bridesmaid was!

As this lad must be at least 15, I don't see why he can't have got himself up, and also wonder if he actually wanted to do much at half-term. It's not like he's little and needs taking to play dates and activities. Won't he just want to see his mates and hang out? What should she be doing for him that he can't sort himself? Obviously there's a ton of history here but she doesn't sound like she deserves a pasting, no.

Isth · 01/06/2019 08:12

This reply has been deleted

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Quartz2208 · 01/06/2019 08:13

The problem is that he must be at least 15/16 and perfectly capable of waking himself

She isn’t responsible for enabling him anymore that age in half term unless a holiday is involved surely it’s up to the chikd

Stroopwaffel99 · 01/06/2019 08:13

Presumably, dad is only driving three hours to get him because he is no longer going on his day out. If he had set alarm and gone out there was obviously an alternative arrangement.

Ellisandra · 01/06/2019 08:13

Also, I’m PMSL at your snide remarks about an AT LEAST 14yo doing nothing all half term. Have you got any mid to late teens?!

You know that they reach an age where they don’t dance in excitement when you suggest a farm park to look at the lambs and ride the mini tractors?

Start a post asking how many mums of 14yo boys have had days out this half term, and how many have been despairing of their children now only want to sit in their room on an Xbox chatting to their mates.

Birdie6 · 01/06/2019 08:14

At his age he should be waking himself up. Assuming that he mainly lives with her , I don't understand why this is anything to do with you.

OKBobble · 01/06/2019 08:14

He is at least 14 then and can get himself out of bed. Not your problem that she didn't entertain him during holidays. My teenage boys entertain themselves/ arrange to meet friends etc to that is weird.

As someone else said why didn't the friend phone him if supposed to meet at a prearranged place/knock on the door to get him if collecting him.

He either didn't want to go to the theme park or doesn't fancy coming to visit you/your DH this weekend.

PS> Birth mother is usually a term given to someone who has given up their child for adoption.

Quartz2208 · 01/06/2019 08:14

So why didn’t your husband ring his phone to say are you up or tell him to put an alarm on his phone

Blaming his mother for his failure to get up is passing the blame (even if there is history)

FriarTuck · 01/06/2019 08:16

You know that they reach an age where they don’t dance in excitement when you suggest a farm park to look at the lambs and ride the mini tractors?
Grin
(I've reached an age where I would dance in excitement again - sadly I'd probably not be allowed on the mini tractors)

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 01/06/2019 08:16

How on earth is any of this the mother's fault?

It's a shame he missed a day out but if you can't be bothered to get up on time you do miss stuff. Maybe it wasn't that important to him?

BM is awful and not an abbreviation you see outside of the step parenting board where people are righty pasted for it.

babysharkah · 01/06/2019 08:17

BM??

A 14 yo who wanted to go to a theme park should be more than capable of waking themselves up.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 01/06/2019 08:17

FriarTuck anyone who doesn't let you on the mini tractors will have MN to answer to

Original poster
volcano28 · 01/06/2019 08:19

I thought BM was the term used on here -sorry about that jeez!

He's not allowed a phone -every phone we have given him has been taken and sold

Maybe I should have painted a clearer picture on what this woman is like , nevermind. My main point was wanting to call her out on her behaviour, but I see no benefit to that now really as she doesn't care enough. Yes he's 14 and likes to be with his friends , he would have loved a day out with them yesterday, they turned up to collect him and his mother told them he was still in bed. 🤷‍♀️ she was up with the younger children.

OP posts: