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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to give BM the pasting she deserves

295 replies

volcano28 · 01/06/2019 07:58

Long story short -Steps sons mother has always been a total nightmare . All the usual stuff a lot of ppl experience. Her family are all enablers -she does what she likes when she likes with no thought for anyone else or the consequences and no one ever (inc my husband) call her out on it. Which I think makes people worse as they come to believe their behaviour is acceptable. What's really ticked me off is SS has done nothing al half term even though she doesn't work , has plenty of money and a car, he was supposed to be going to a theme park yesterday with some friends and their family near where we live -before coming here for the weekend -but she didn't wake him up in time so he missed it -so to try and spite my husband ss has missed out 😯 this is because we live 3 hours away so he has to drive to pick him up and drop him back for contact where as he could have been 20mins away! . I don't care about Dh having to drive I care about the fact she's put wanting to make Dh life harder (which it doesn't he's more than happy to drive any distance) before ss having a great day out . And I want to contact her and tell her how I feel -I've always had to 'rise above it ' for 14yrs ! But on the other hand she'd love it as getting a reaction 😣 maybe I just needed a bit of a rant get it off my chest

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 01/06/2019 09:16

Oh don't let it stop you from posting volcano28. Just NC, and every time SS mum does something shitty, just post and say it was the SM Grin you'll get a world of different responses I assure you!

Stressedout10 whether you're taking out your own baggage on the OP or you're just a nasty person, we're all real people with lives and opinions, and the OP didn't deserve your venom. Everyone is human, no one is perfect (not even you!) And nothing in the OP suggests that she is anywhere near a cunt.

Illberidingshotgun · 01/06/2019 09:17

He HAS missed out. Under normal circumstances I would expect a teen to be able to set an alarm on their phone, and get up independently. However if she doesn't allow him a phone and he doesn't have an alarm clock (can you buy him one, or will that be sold too?) he's in a very difficult situation.

Is your DH's contact court ordered, or is it informal? It firstly seems unfair that he is both collecting and picking up when he has contact, long distances, even though he is happy to do so. I would be very concerned that she has stolen his property (the phones you have bought him) and sold them. What gives he the right to do that? By refusing to let him have a phone or internet access, she is also refusing to facilitate contact with his father - at that age I would expect phone calls, arrangements etc to be direct between parent and child. I would also expect them to be able to text, video call, perhaps play online games together etc if they wish to.

Is there any social services involvement currently?

ChubbyCurryFan · 01/06/2019 09:17

Can someone stop this, it's been a nasty bitter pile-on on the OP. Even if ppl disagree with her, there is no need to call her names or tell her she sounds like a horrible person. This is bullying.

EleanorReally · 01/06/2019 09:17

bm sounds like a spiteful woman

formerbabe · 01/06/2019 09:18

Steps sons mother has always been a total nightmare . All the usual stuff

Genuinely have no idea what 'all the usual staff's means Confused

As for not doing anything in half term...he's a teenage boy. Notoriously difficult to get them to do much, especially with their mum's! Do you think she's going to still be taking him to the park or soft play?!

formerbabe · 01/06/2019 09:18

Stuff not staff!

Motherof3feminists · 01/06/2019 09:18

Yes YABU. 14 is old enough to get up. I can't see that his MOTHER has done anything wrong here, you just don't like her and want an excuse to bitch about her. Grow up.

EleanorReally · 01/06/2019 09:18

you are a mean lot jumping in that the stepson should have got himself up.
the op knows the bm didnt wake him intentionally.
why wasnt she up?

Lovestonap · 01/06/2019 09:21

I think the problem with this OP is you mention violence in the thread title. That sets the tone for the thread. Asking if you would be unreasonable to tell her how upset you were might have garnered different responses.

Also your very defensive responses will have got people's backs up, and made them wonder if you are tricky to deal with in real life too.

You can feel sad for your SS. A situation where divorced parents don't get along is always hugely stressful for the child involved.

mathanxiety · 01/06/2019 09:21

Often the vipers of MN will latch onto a single aspect of an OP that gets their back up (BM in this case!) And focus on that rather than the real point of the post.

I assume from the word 'vipers' that you think the umbrage about a word that is actually quite a kick in the teeth to many women here is unwarranted, and that you think many are being unreasonably hostile to the OP, but I would love to be reassured that you can see how much of a problem that term is.

Illberidingshotgun · 01/06/2019 09:22

Motherof3feminists selling his property, gifts that were given to him, isn't wrong??

CecilyP · 01/06/2019 09:23

We’ll have to agree to disagree, Math. There is no noing if the younger children were up and it may have been an especially early start. Can’t say I had any reticence in entering DS’s room at 14 if a knock and a shout didn’t work and that was just for school not for a really fun day he was looking forward to..

HoppingPavlova · 01/06/2019 09:24

I am perplexed as to what you feel you would have a go at her about. It’s not her job to wake a teenager if they want to do something. No, they are not the best at getting up but it’s this stuff that makes them learn. At that age mine had to get themselves up, dressed, ready, out and on the bus for school - all without me. One had a few issues with this and school definitely didn’t look at me or DH or their siblings who left them there (after supposedly yelling at them to get out of bed) as the culprits as at that age it is THEIR responsibility. If you take on the responsibility they will never learn. So no idea what you would have a ho at the Mum about? If he is gutted then next time he will make sure he gets up in time. Their are objects known as alarms, you don’t even need a phone, cheapo ones are a couple of dollars.

Also perplexed as to what you think his mum should have organised for him in school hols? I never organised anything for mine at that age. They made plans with friends and caught a bus. I will admit our transport system here is crap so at times getting together with friends 15/20min car trip away would take 2hrs by bus/train so in those cases we tried to vary our work schedules to give them a lift. Organising activities for a teenager though in school hols, NOPE, he is 14yo not 7yo for goodness sake.

Foxmuffin · 01/06/2019 09:25

I thought this was a place for mums if all different backgrounds and situations to talk and offer advise.

You are very much mistaken. SM’s are treated very much with contempt here.

Ironically there’s also very strict criteria for the use of the term SM. If you’re not married you can’t call yourself SM even if you’ve been with your partner years and years and live like a married couple!

Foxmuffin · 01/06/2019 09:26

Sparklfairy

Oh don't let it stop you from posting volcano28. Just NC, and every time SS mum does something shitty, just post and say it was the SM grin you'll get a world of different responses I assure you!

Yes try “SM” allowed DS to oversleep Grin

Sparklfairy · 01/06/2019 09:26

mathanxiety huh? I don't mean it as an insult to MN users. It's a well known term on here and it's a great term when someone posts about their shitty DH and she finally feels like everyone has her back. That's what I love about this forum. However it does cut both ways, if you piss MN off, you're gonna get slaughtered. That's all I meant. More of a compliment if you ask me.

Qweenbee · 01/06/2019 09:27

I'm sick of people not looking at the proper issue and piling on to the op. That's the second time I've typed that in 10 minutes.

Fgs people read the op. Op stop being defensive and ignore the goady shits who are riling you up. Responding to them detracts from your problem and alienates you from the genuine helpful posters, even if your anger is justified.

A 14 year old has his phone sold repeatedly, has no internet and is upset that he wasn't woken up. Even if he was asleep his mum could have told him the family was here to pick him up and he could have been ready in 5 minutes. On the face of it it does sound as if he's not getting a very good deal at his mother's but yes op, you do need to refrain from ranting at him and concentrate on supporting him to deal with it the best way he can if he won't come and live with you. Ranting at her won't help and is the response she wants.

She sounds a nightmare.

EleanorReally · 01/06/2019 09:30

Do those who feel the 14 year old should have got himself up actually have 14 year olds? in fact were you ever 14 year olds yourself?
mind boggles

Foxmuffin · 01/06/2019 09:32

Maybe I was a special breed of 14 but I had a weekend job that I needed to get up for 430 for and a dog to walk each morning before school! My parents never got me up!

mathanxiety · 01/06/2019 09:32

Respect is a two way street, Foxmuffin.

Notabedofroses · 01/06/2019 09:33

We don't know the financial position, if she is struggling to feed her children and has debt collectors banging at her door, then selling a phone would be acceptable in my view.

The fact they can't afford the internet supports the idea that she is under pressure financially. It would be wrong of us to judge her in any way if this is the case.

The fact that op wants to give her a good pasting, is unsavoury to say the least. She sounds like she has enough on her plate.

Original poster
volcano28 · 01/06/2019 09:36

I wasn't inciting violence -pasting as in verbal is what I meant -I've learnt now you have to be very careful with terminology on here. I posted because given all that's happened over the years I would love to have a say , but I never get involved at all . I have small children myself , one with a disability so I really have enough on my plate. Some of the responses on here have been great thanks , and some have made me feel really sad that complete strangers think it's acceptable to call someone a cunt

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 01/06/2019 09:37

Terminology aside I think most others would wake up a teen who'd overslept if it was for a day trip and to see the nrp, she didn't. I don't think you getting involved is going to make the situation better although I do understand your frustration. Can you take him today or tomorrow at it's local to you?

ladymariner · 01/06/2019 09:39

Op, ignore the nasty posts, you've been getting some absolute shit on here this morning and it's totally unecessary.
Yanbu. I feel really sorry for your ss, at 14 my ds would have slept through an earthquake, and I think his mother was being deliberately spiteful not waking him up.

Notabedofroses · 01/06/2019 09:41

Op what if she isn't coping very well? Getting her 14 year old up for a day out is the least of her worries perhaps??

For what it is worth, I would have done definitely.

You are really saying she is a bit of a crap mother, and maybe she is, maybe she isn't but surely kindness and cutting other mothers some slack is the way to go most of the time.

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