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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for wanting DH to choose drama rehearsal over fathers day?

161 replies

djcrabb69 · 31/05/2019 13:23

DS 8 and DD 14 attend a weekly Drama academy and put on a show every June at a local theatre. They have an all day tech rehearsal which falls on fathers day. DH does not want them to attend (he did give them the option, both said they wanted to skip the rehearsal and spend the day with us) as he thinks days like this are special, especially whilst the children are young and wants us to spend the day as a family.
I think that we can celebrate on another day and the children attend the tech rehearsal. The academy also want them to attend. DH points out that there will be further rehearsals at the theatre in the lead to the show and that family should take priority.
Just looking for opinions on this. Thanks

OP posts:
GoodbyeRosie · 31/05/2019 14:16

So basically this is another ..

Thread starter " AIBU " ?

Mumsnet " Yes you are , here are the reasons why "

Thread starter " No I'm not, and I'm going to argue why and drip feed other bits of info to support my case "

Why start the thread when you have clearly decided the kids are going to miss this extremely important rehearsal for a day that can be taken any time, and is a made up event for corporate reasons anyway?

CheeseInACake · 31/05/2019 14:16

His argument about made up days etc is that he knows but modern life is so involved that it gives the opportunity to check out for a few days a year and involve being a family. Have had the commitment issue but his argument is that part of the ills of society is people not taking family time and this contributes to stress etc. You then said he never takes time for himself and always puts you and the children first, so why is he making such a huge issue about ONE DAY, when you get to "get family time" and "involve being a family" all the time anyway. How can missing father's day affect how you are as a family and contribute to stress? I'm really not seeing his point and he sounds suffocating.

Original poster
djcrabb69 · 31/05/2019 14:18

No it's not at the venue itself, there are other tech rehearsals at the venue and if the show had been on fathers day he would have found it a great present because we would have spent the first part of the day together and then seen them on stage in the evening. Not possible to remove them at lunch breaks etc. If a birthday falls on a school day etc unless there are exams or something similar he gets them to miss the day so we can all go and do something, his argument is that when they work they can always book AL for their birthday but as kids days should be special. He is a super dad and husband otherwise I wouldn't be defending his stance when I don't agree with it. Both our fathers have passed away but had they not he would have just included them in the day, in fact if they had been alive he'd have been even more convinced as they would have been elderly and he'd wanted to get the children to spend time with their GF's

OP posts:
haloumi · 31/05/2019 14:19

What a man-child.

Its a made up celebration of nothingness .

I'd let them go to the rehearsal, it actually has some importance and cannot be moved. Wheras, as a family, you can celebrate fatherhood ANYTIME …

flowery · 31/05/2019 14:20

”he feels that as children grow so fast it's better to build memories as a family”

Absolutely. So reschedule ‘your’ Father’s Day to a different day, to make sure you do it.

Parker231 · 31/05/2019 14:20

He gets them to miss school if their birthday falls on a school day!

BrokenWing · 31/05/2019 14:21

dismissing the dc going to a technical rehearsal because there are others is ridiculously selfish. I am sure the drama company don't put on more technical rehearsals than necessary and dc being missing will impact the rehearsal for others

there is absolutely no reason for the dc to miss the rehearsal other than your dh being a selfish arse dressing this up as you not prioritising quality family time specifically to make you feel bad when it is really just he wants everything his way on Sunday June 16th above anyone else's longer term commitments.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 31/05/2019 14:21

Tech Rehearsal is on the 16th of June and the show is at the end of June?

There aren't really going to be "other rehearsals" surely? Unless the kids and adults involved are going to skip school and work for extra tech rehearsals?

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 31/05/2019 14:21

I do see his point of view. I just think that ultimately, a parent puts their children first, and that the commitment presumably made a while ago to attend this particular important/vital rehearsal is more important to keep than a more recent decision to do something else. If you both had seen the rehearsal date before signing up to the play, and had a conversation and negotiated non-attendance when signing the children up that would be okay. It's the fact that you've committed the children to something that he now wants to change for, ultimately, selfish reasons.

The daughter delayed present thing did make me smile a wry smile. Have daughter's delayed concert Saturday night. Do card/present and maybe fry up or breakfast on the way to rehearsal, and/or meal when they come out. Do a delayed full on fathers day (wtf has he got planned??) next weekend. Job done. Yes the kids will be tired; it's early nights for the next week or so, they'll be fine.

Original poster
djcrabb69 · 31/05/2019 14:22

I'm not trying to drip feed as I feel they should go but I am not totally against his argument and giving extra info to try and make it in context. He isn't suffocating just very caring towards me and our children and I want that to be understood so he is not seen as a one dimensional selfish jerk.

OP posts:
Original poster
djcrabb69 · 31/05/2019 14:23

They will have rehearsals every evening including tech at the theatre in the lead up to the show in the final week of June.

OP posts:
caughtinanet · 31/05/2019 14:23

It sounds a bit like he needs the validation of a made up day. Surely a good father would be spending time with his children all year round, why force it on a day made up by the card industry.

And before you ask I don't care about Mothers day either, I have a friend who can't do anything on fathers day either, I've never understood it. Going out for a meal or to a special place is much more enjoyable when it's not a made up day imo

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2019 14:23

He was U the minute 'Making Memories was mentioned.

Parker231 · 31/05/2019 14:25

Perhaps the drama school organisers would like to skip the rehearsal to spend the day with their DF’s but won’t as they have given a commitment to the children in the performance.

Original poster
djcrabb69 · 31/05/2019 14:25

He does spend time with them every day, I understand most of the points on here and hopefully I can show him this thread and try and change his mind!

OP posts:
flowery · 31/05/2019 14:26

”If a birthday falls on a school day etc unless there are exams or something similar he gets them to miss the day so we can all go and do something”

How do you explain this to the school? Presumably these days off involve either lying about illness or taking unauthorised absence- are you really comfortable with sending your DC the message that either of these things are ok?

BrokenWing · 31/05/2019 14:27

How do you feel about your dc missing school (do they skip school when it is your, his and their siblings birthday too?) and long term commitments to a drama production to be ruled by his self imposed rules that a calendar says you must spend "quality time as a family" on these days instead?

Butterymuffin · 31/05/2019 14:27

when they work they can always book AL for their birthday

Not necessarily if they work in the NHS, to give just one example.

LovelyJubblee · 31/05/2019 14:27

They miss school on their birthday? That's super weird.

livefornaps · 31/05/2019 14:28

Oh bloody hell this is such a load of nonsense.

I fail to see why you even bothered starting this thread - you're clearly locked in to that "making memories" claptrap which is actually supremely naval-gazing and will ultimately be of detriment.

I bet you use the term "our little family" as well.

Piglet89 · 31/05/2019 14:28

There are other rehearsals in the lead up to that day so he thinks they can go then.

As PPs have very eloquently explained, there is (usually) only ONE tech rehearsal for a production. It usually takes ages and is very boring but it’s vital for the lighting, set, marking of actors etc...

But yeah, your DH (who, presumably, has limited or no dramatic training) knows best and thinks they “can attend other rehearsals”. 🙄

Father’s Day can be celebrated at another time. They’ve made a commitment to this and they should go.

DHIBU.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 31/05/2019 14:28

If it's not at the performance venue then it's not a tech rehearsal. I'd perhaps clarify with the school what the expectation is. But if it were my family, my children would be attending rehearsal all the same - that's what they've signed up for.

If DD at 14 is serious about acting, she needs to work on her discipline to be honest. She will have to be so single-minded about acting that she would literally tear through walls to get to stand on a stage.

recrudescence · 31/05/2019 14:30

If a birthday falls on a school day ... he gets them to miss the day

I’ll bet the school isn’t best pleased. Imagine if every parent did the same. Totally irresponsible IMO.

manicinsomniac · 31/05/2019 14:31

I don't think he isn't caring or a great dad and husband at all - he sounds lovely. But I don't think he understands the process and commitment involved in putting on a show. That's totally understandable, most people don't - they just see the end result and think 'oh how lovely'. But that's the reason that rules, mandatory rehearsals and advanced schedules are put in place - because many parents just won't get the whys and wherefores on their own.

I don't the set up of your theatre school but this is the scenario I think most likely:

  • The school have only paid for the theatre for show week (budgets). They have booked a local, cheaper venue for a full Sunday to get through all of the performance issues* - those are all the things that most directly concern the children and can only be fixed by the children - cues, spacing, projection, sequencing, pace, choreography, lines etc. The evening rehearsals will be time limited - perhaps 3-4 hours max. These are therefore going to be focused on production issues* - those are all the things that require the children but can mostly only be fixed by the production team - lights, sound, costumes, set etc. They are essential for the children's confidence and best potential performance but they aren't for working on the nitty gritty detail like a full Sunday would be.

Try outlining it like that for your husband.

edwinbear · 31/05/2019 14:39

They should go to the rehearsal. Mother's Day always falls on DS's rugby club's home festival, that's just the way it's always been timetabled. The mum's muck in with the day's volunteering requirements, pitch marshalling, car parking, programme duty, BBQ etc etc. Nobody complains or skips it because the greatest gift I can have on Mother's Day is happy DC.

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